a far country-第118章
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most desired？ or was it the inevitable result of the development of the
Hugh Paret of earlier days； who was not meant for that kind of power？
The vibration of the monster ship increased to a strong； electric
pulsation； the water hummed along her sides； she felt the swell of the
open sea。 A fine rain began to fall that hid the landyes； and the life
I was leaving。 I made my way across the glistening deck to the saloon
where； my newspapers and periodicals neglected； I sat all the morning
beside a window gazing out at the limited； vignetted zone of waters
around the ship。 We were headed for the Old World。 The wind rose； the
rain became pelting； mingling with the spume of the whitecaps racing
madly past： within were warmth and luxury； electric lights； open fires；
easy chairs； and men and women reading； conversing as unconcernedly as
though the perils of the deep had ceased to be。 In all this I found an
impelling interest； the naive capacity
in me for wonder； so long dormant； had been marvellously opened up once
more。 I no longer thought of myself as the important man of affairs； and
when in the progress of the voyage I was accosted by two or three men I
had met and by others who had heard of me it was only to feel amazement
at the remoteness I now felt from a world whose realities were stocks and
bonds； railroads and corporations and the detested new politics so
inimical to the smooth conduct of 〃business。〃
It all sounded like a language I had forgotten。
It was not until near the end of the passage that we ran out of the
storm。 A morning came when I went on deck to survey spaces of a blue and
white sea swept by the white March sunlight； to discern at length against
the horizon toward which we sped a cloud of the filmiest and most
delicate texture and design。 Suddenly I divined that the cloud was
France！ Little by little； as I watched； it took on substance。 I made
out headlands and cliffs； and then we were coasting beside them。 That
night I should be in Paris with Maude。 My bag was packed； my steamer
trunk closed。 I strayed about the decks； in and out of the saloons；
wondering at the indifference of other passengers who sat reading in
steamer…chairs or wrote last letters to be posted at Havre。 I was filled
with impatience； anticipation； yes； with anxiety concerning the adventure
that was now so imminent； with wavering doubts。 Had I done the wisest
thing after all？ I had the familiar experience that often comes just
before reunion after absence of recalling intimate and forgotten
impressions of those whom I was about to see again the tones of their
voices； little gestures。。。。
How would they receive me？
The great ship had slowed down and was entering the harbour； carefully
threading her way amongst smaller craft； the passengers lining the rails
and gazing at the animated scene； at the quaint and cheerful French city
bathed in sunlight。。。。 I had reached the dock and was making my way
through the hurrying and shifting groups toward the steamer train when I
saw Maude。 She was standing a little aside； scanning the faces that
passed her。
I remember how she looked at me； expectantly； yet timidly； almost
fearfully。 I kissed her。
〃You've come to meet me！〃 I exclaimed stupidly。 〃How are the children？〃
〃They're very well； Hugh。 They wanted to come； too； but I thought it
better not。〃
Her restraint struck me as extraordinary； and while I was thankful for
the relief it brought to a situation which might have been awkward； I was
conscious of resenting it a little。 I was impressed and puzzled。 As I
walked along the platform beside her she seemed almost a stranger： I had
difficulty in realizing that she was my wife； the mother of my children。
Her eyes were clear； more serious than I recalled them； and her physical
as well as her moral tone seemed to have improved。 Her cheeks glowed
with health； and she wore a becoming suit of dark blue。
〃Did you have a good trip； Hugh？〃 she asked。
〃Splendid；〃 I said； forgetting the storm。 We took our seats in an empty
compartment。 Was she glad to see me？ She had come all the way from
Paris to meet me！ All the embarrassment seemed to be on my side。 Was
this composure a controlled one or had she indeed attained to the self…
sufficiency her manner and presence implied？ Such were the questions
running through my head。
〃You've really liked Paris？〃 I asked。
〃Yes； Hugh； and it's been very good for us all。 Of course the boys like
America better； but they've learned many things they wouldn't have
learned at home； they both speak French； and Biddy too。 Even I have
improved。〃
〃I'm sure of it；〃 I said。
She flushed。
〃And what else have you been doing？〃
〃Oh； going to galleries。 Matthew often goes with me。 I think he quite
appreciates the pictures。 Sometimes I take him to the theatre； too； the
Francais。 Both boys ride in the Bois with a riding master。 It's been
rather a restricted life for them； but it won't have hurt them。 It's
good discipline。 We have little excursions in an automobile on fine days
to Versailles and other places of interest around Paris； and Matthew and
I have learned a lot of history。 I have a professor of literature from
the Sorbonne come in three times a week to give me lessons。〃
〃I didn't know you cared for literature。〃
〃I didn't know it either。〃 She smiled。 〃Matthew loves it。 Monsieur
Despard declares he has quite a gift for language。〃
Maude had already begun Matthew's education！
〃You see a few people？〃 I inquired。
〃A few。 And they have been very kind to us。 The Buffons； whom I met at
Etretat； and some of their friends； mostly educated French people。〃
The little railway carriage in which we sat rocked with speed as we flew
through the French landscape。 I caught glimpses of solid； Norman farm
buildings； of towers and keeps and delicate steeples； and quaint towns；
of bare poplars swaying before the March gusts； of green fields ablaze in
the afternoon sun。 I took it all in distractedly。 Here was Maude beside
me； but a Maude I had difficulty in recognizing； whom I did not
understand： who talked of a life she had built up for herself and that
seemed to satisfy her； one with which I had nothing to do。 I could not
tell how she regarded my re…intrusion。 As she continued to talk； a
feeling that was almost desperation grew upon me。 I had things to say to
her； things that every moment of this sort of intercourse was making more
difficult。 And I felt； if I did not say them now； that perhaps I never
should： that now or never was the appropriate time； and to delay would be
to drift into an impossible situation wherein the chance of an
understanding would be remote。
There was a pause。 How little I had anticipated the courage it would
take to do this thing！ My blood was hammering。
〃Maude；〃 I said abruptly； 〃I suppose you're wondering why I came over
here。〃
She sat gazing at me； very still； but there came into her eyes a
frightened look that almost unnerved me。 She seemed to wish to speak； to
be unable to。 Passively； she let my hand rest on hers。
〃I've been thinking a great deal during the last few months；〃 I went on
unsteadily。 〃And I've changed a good many of my ideasthat is； I've got
new ones； about things I never thought of before。 I want to say； first；
that I do not put forth any claim to come back into your life。 I know I
have forfeited any claim。 I've neglected you； and I've neglected the
children。 Our marriage has been on a false basis from the start； and
I've been to blame for it。 There is more to be said about the chances
for a successful marriage in these days； but I'm not going to dwell on
that now； or attempt to shoulder off my shortcomings on my bringing up；
on the civilization in which we have lived。 You've tried to do your
share； and the failure hasn't been your fault。 I want to tell you first
of all that I recognize your right to live your life from now on；
independently of me； if you so desire。 You ought to have the children〃
I hesitated a moment。 It was the hardest thing I had to say。 〃I've
never troubled myself about them； I've never taken on any responsibility
in re
