a far country-第115章

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on　the　wide　beach　that　stretched　in　front　of　the　gay　houses　facing　the
sea。　　Cormorants　dived　under　the　long　rollers　that　came　crashing　in　from
the　Pacific；　gulls　wheeled　and　screamed　in　the　soft　wind；　alert　little
birds　darted　here　and　there　with　incredible　swiftness；　leaving　tiny
footprints　across　the　ribs　and　furrows　of　the　wet　sand。　　Far　to　the
southward　a　dark　barrier　of　mountains　rose　out　of　the　sea。　　Sometimes　I
sat　with　my　back　against　the　dunes　watching　the　drag　of　the　outgoing
water　rolling　the　pebbles　after　it；　making　a　gleaming　floor　for　the　light
to　dance。

At　first　I　could　not　bear　to　recall　the　events　that　had　preceded　and
followed　my　visit　to　Krebs　that　Sunday　morning。　　My　illness　had　begun
that　night；　on　the　Monday　Tom　Peters　had　come　to　the　Club　and　insisted
upon　my　being　taken　to　his　house。。。。　　When　I　had　recovered　sufficiently
there　had　been　rather　a　pathetic　renewal　of　our　friendship。　　Perry　came
to　see　me。　　Their　attitude　was　one　of　apprehension　not　unmixed　with
wonder；　and　though　they；　knew　of　the　existence　of　a　mental　crisis；
suspected；　in　all　probability；　some　of　the　causes　of　it；　they　refrained
carefully　from　all　comments；　contenting　themselves　with　telling　me　when　I
was　well　enough　that　Krebs　had　died　quite　suddenly　that　Sunday　afternoon；
that　his　deathoccurring　at　such　a　crucial　momenthad　been　sufficient
to　turn　the　tide　of　the　election　and　make　Edgar　Greenhalge　mayor。
Thousands　who　had　failed　to　understand　Hermann　Krebs；　but　whom　he　had
nevertheless　stirred　and　troubled；　suddenly　awoke　to　the　fact　that　he　had
had　elements　of　greatness。。。。

My　feelings　in　those　first　days　at　Santa　Barbara　may　be　likened；　indeed；
to　those　of　a　man　who　has　passed　through　a　terrible　accident　that　has
deprived　him　of　sight　or　hearing；　and　which　he　wishes　to　forget。　　What　I
was　most　conscious　of　then　was　an　aching　sense　of　lossan　ache　that　by
degrees　became　a　throbbing　pain　as　life　flowed　back　into　me；　re…inflaming
once　more　my　being　with　protest　and　passion；　arousing　me　to　revolt
against　the　fate　that　had　overtaken　me。　　I　even　began　at　moments　to　feel
a　fierce　desire　to　go　back　and　take　up　again　the　fight　from　which　I　had
been　so　strangely　removedremoved　by　the　agency　of　things　still　obscure。
I　might　get　Nancy　yet；　beat　down　her　resistance；　overcome　her；　if　only　I
could　be　near　her　and　see　her。　　But　even　in　the　midst　of　these　surges　of
passion　I　was　conscious　of　the　birth　of　a　new　force　I　did　not　understand；
and　which　I　resented；　that　had　arisen　to　give　battle　to　my　passions　and
desires。　　This　struggle　was　not　mentally　reflected　as　a　debate　between
right　and　wrong；　as　to　whether　I　should　or　should　not　be　justified　in
taking　Nancy　if　I　could　get　her：　it　seemed　as　though　some　new　and　small
yet　dogged　intruder　had　forced　an　entrance　into　me；　an　insignificant
pigmy　who　did　not　hesitate　to　bar　the　pathway　of　the　reviving　giant　of　my
desires。　　These　contests　sapped　my　strength。　　It　seemed　as　though　in　my
isolation　I　loved　Nancy；　I　missed　her　more　than　ever；　and　the　flavour　she
gave　to　life。

Then　Hermann　Krebs　began　to　press　himself　on　me。　　I　use　the　word　as
expressive　of　those　early　resentful　feelings；I　rather　pictured　him　then
as　the　personification　of　an　hostile　element　in　the　universe　that　had
brought　about　my　miseries　and　accomplished　my　downfall；　I　attributed　the
disagreeable　thwarting　of　my　impulses　to　his　agency；　I　did　not　wish　to
think　of　him；　for　he　stood　somehow　for　a　vague　future　I　feared　to
contemplate。　　Yet　the　illusion　of　his　presence；　once　begun；　continued　to
grow　upon　me；　and　I　find　myself　utterly　unable　to　describe　that　struggle
in　which　he　seemed　to　be　fighting　as　against　myself　for　my　confidence；
that　process　whereby　he　gradually　grew　as　real　to　me　as　though　he　still
liveduntil　I　could　almost　hear　his　voice　and　see　his　smile。　　At　moments
I　resisted　wildly；　as　though　my　survival　depended　on　it；　at　other　moments
he　seemed　to　bring　me　peace。　　One　day　I　recalled　as　vividly　as　though　it
were　taking　place　again　that　last　time　I　had　been　with　him；　I　seemed　once
more　to　be　listening　to　the　calm　yet　earnest　talk　ranging　over　so　many
topics；　politics　and　government；　economics　and　science　and　religion。　　I
did　not　yet　grasp　the　synthesis　he　had　made　of　them　all；　but　I　saw　them
now　all　focussed　in　him　elements　he　had　drawn　from　human　lives　and　human
experiences。　　I　think　it　was　then　I　first　felt　the　quickenings　of　a　new
life　to　be　born　in　travail　and　pain。。。。　　Wearied；　yet　exalted；　I　sank
down　on　a　stone　bench　and　gazed　out　at　the　little　island　of　Santa　Cruz
afloat　on　the　shimmering　sea。

I　have　mentioned　my　inability　to　depict　the　terrible　struggle　that　went
on　in　my　soul。　　It　seems　strange　that　Nietzschethat　most　ruthless　of
philosophers　to　the　romantic　mind！should　express　it　for　me。　　〃The
genius　of　the　heart；　from　contact　with　which　every　man　goes　away　richer；
not　'blessed'　and　overcome；。。。。but　richer　himself；　fresher　to　himself
than　before；　opened　up；　breathed　upon　and　sounded　by　a　thawing　wind；　more
uncertain；　perhaps；　more　delicate；　more　bruised；　but　full　of　hopes　which
as　yet　lack　names；　full　of　a　new　will　and　striving；　full　of　a　new
unwillingness　and　counterstriving。〃。。。。

Such　was　my　experience　with　Hermann　Krebs。　　How　keenly　I　remember　that
new　unwillingness　and　counter…striving！　　In　spite　of　the　years　it　has　not
wholly　died　down；　even　to…day。。。。

Almost　coincident　with　these　quickenings　of　which　I　have　spoken　was　the
consciousness　of　a　hunger　stronger　than　the　craving　for　bread　and　meat；
and　I　began　to　meditate　on　my　ignorance；　on　the　utter　inadequacy　and
insufficiency　of　my　early　education；　on　my　neglect　of　the　new　learning
during　the　years　that　had　passed　since　I　left　Harvard。　　And　I　remembered
Krebs's　wordsthat　we　must　〃reeducate　ourselves。〃　　What　did　I　know？　　A
system　of　law；　inherited　from　another　social　order；　that　was　utterly
unable　to　cope　with　the　complexities　and　miseries　and　injustices　of　a
modern　industrial　world。　　I　had　spent　my　days　in　mastering　an　inadequate
and　archaic　codewhy？　in　order　that　I　might　learn　how　to　evade　it？　　This
in　itself　condemned　it。　　What　did　I　know　of　life？　of　the　shining　universe
that　surrounded　me？　　What　did　I　know　of　the　insect　and　the　flower；　of　the
laws　that　moved　the　planets　and　made　incandescent　the　suns？　of　the　human
body；　of　the　human　soul　and　its　instincts？　　Was　this　knowledge　acquired
at　such　cost　of　labour　and　life　and　love　by　my　fellow…men　of　so　little
worth　to　me　that　I　could　ignore　it？　declare　that　it　had　no　significance
for　me？　no　bearing　on　my　life　and　conduct？　　If　I　were　to　rise　and　go
forwardand　I　now　felt　something　like　a　continued　impulse；　in　spite　of
relaxations　and　revoltsI　must　master　this　knowledge；　it　must　be　my
guide；　form　the　basis　of　my　creed。　　Iwho　never　had　had　a　creed；　never
felt　the　need　of　one！　For　lack　of　one　I　had　been　rudely　jolted　out　of　the
frail　shell　I　had　thought　so　secure；　and　stood；　as　it　were；　naked　and
shivering　to　the　storms；　staring　at　a　world　that　was　no　function　of　me；
after　all。　　My　problem；　indeed；　was　how　to　become　a　function　of　it。。。。

I　resolved　upon　a　course　of　reading；　but　it　was　a　question　what　books　to
get。　　Krebs　could　have　told　me；　if　he　had　lived。　　I　even　thought　once　of
writing　Perry　Blackwood　to　ask　him　to　make　a　list　of　the　volumes　in
Krebs's　little　library；　but　I　was　ashamed　to　do　this。

Dr。　Strafford　still　remained　with　me。　　Not　many　years　out　of　the　medical
school；　he　had　inspired　me　with　a　liking　for　him　and　a　respect　for　his
profession；　and　when　he　informed　me　one　day　that　he　could　no　longer
conscientiously　accept　the　sum　I　was　paying　him；　I　begged　him　to　stay　on。
He　was　a　big　and　wholesome　young　man；　companionable；　yet　quiet　and
unobtrusive；　watchful　without　appearing　to　be　so；　with　the　innate　as　well
as　the　cultivated　knowledge　of　psychology　characteristic　of　the　best
modern　physicians。　　When　I　grew　better　I　came　to　feel　that　he　had　given
his　whole　mind　to　the　study　of　my　case；　though　he　never　betrayed　it　in
his　conversation。

〃Strafford；〃　I　said　to　him　one　morning　with　such　an　air　of　unconcern　as　I
could　muster；　〃I've　an　idea　I'd　like　to　read　a　little　science。　　Could　you
recommend　a