a far country-第109章

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refute　the　accusations。　　I　dwelt　upon　the　benefits　to　the　city；　uniform
service；　electricity　and　large　comfortable　cars　instead　of　rattletrap
conveyances；　and　the　development　of　a　large　and　growing　population　in　the
Riverside　neighbourhood：　the　continual　extension　of　lines　to　suburban
districts　that　enabled　hard…worked　men　to　live　out　of　the　smoke：　I　called
attention　to　the　system　of　transfers；　the　distance　a　passenger　might　be
conveyed；　and　conveyed　quickly；　for　the　sum　of　five　cents。　　I　spoke　of
our　capitalists　as　men　more　sinned　against　than　sinning。　　Their　money　was
always　at　the　service　of　enterprises　tending　to　the　development　of　our
metropolis。

When　I　was　not　in　the　meetings；　however；　and　especially　when　in　my　room
at　night；　I　was　continually　trying　to　fight　off　a　sense　of　loneliness
that　seemed　to　threaten　to　overwhelm　me。　　I　wanted　to　be　alone；　and　yet　I
feared　to　be。　　I　was　aware；　in　spite　of　their　congratulations　on　my
efforts；　of　a　growing　dislike　for　my　associates；　and　in　the　appalling
emptiness　of　the　moments　when　my　depression　was　greatest　I　was　forced　to
the　realization　that　I　had　no　disinterested　friendnot　onein　whom　I
could　confide。　　Nancy　had　failed　me；　I　had　scarcely　seen　Tom　Peters　that
winter；　and　it　was　out　of　the　question　to　go　to　him。　　For　the　third　time
in　my　life；　and　in　the　greatest　crisis　of　all；　I　was　feeling　the　need　of
Something；　of　some　sustaining　and　impelling　Power　that　must　be　presented
humanly；　possessing　sympathy　and　understanding　and　love。。。。　　I　think　I
had　a　glimpse　just　a　pathetic　glimpseof　what　the　Church　might　be　of
human　solidarity；　comfort　and　support；　of　human　tolerance；　if　stripped　of
the　superstition　of　an　ancient　science。　　My　tortures　weren't　of　the
flesh；　but　of　the　mind。　　My　mind　was　the　sheep　which　had　gone　astray。
Was　there　no　such　thing；　could　there　be　no　such　thing　as　a　human
association　that　might　at　the　same　time　be　a　divine　organism；　a　fold　and
a　refuge　for　the　lost　and　divided　minds？　　The　source　of　all　this　trouble
was　social。。。。

Then　toward　the　end　of　that　last　campaign　week；　madness　suddenly　came
upon　me。　　I　know　now　how　near　the　breaking　point　I　was；　but　the　immediate
cause　of　my　〃flying　to　pieces〃to　use　a　vivid　expressionwas　a　speech
made　by　Guptill；　one　of　the　Citizens　Union　candidates　for　alderman；　a
young　man　of　a　radical　type　not　uncommon　in　these　days；　though　new　to　my
experience：　an　educated　man　in　the　ultra…radical　sense；　yet　lacking　poise
and　perspective；　with　a　certain　brilliance　and　assurance。　　He　was　a
journalist；　a　correspondent　of　some　Eastern　newspapers　and　periodicals。
In　this　speech；　which　was　reported　to　mefor　it　did　not　get　into　the
newspapersI　was　the　particular　object　of　his　attack。　　Men　of　my　kind；
and　not　the　Judd　Jasons　（for　whom　there　was　some　excuse）　were　the　least
dispensable　tools　of　the　capitalists；　the　greatest　menace　to
civilization。　　We　were　absolutely　lacking　in　principle；　we　were　ready　at
any　time　to　besmirch　our　profession　by　legalizing　steals；　we　fouled　our
nests　with　dirty　fees。　　Not　all　that　he　said　was　vituperation；　for　he
knew　something　of　the　modern　theory　of　the　law　that　legal　radicals　had
begun　to　proclaim；　and　even　to　teach　in　some　tolerant　universities。

The　next　night；　in　the　middle　of　a　prepared　speech　I　was　delivering　to　a
large　crowd　in　Kingdom　Hall　there　had　been　jeers　from　a　group　in　a　corner
at　some　assertion　I　made。　　Guptill's　accusations　had　been　festering　in　my
mind。　　The　faces　of　the　people　grew　blurred　as　I　felt　anger　boiling；
rising　within　me；　suddenly　my　control　gave　way；　and　I　launched　forth　into
a　denunciation　of　Greenhalge；　Krebs；　Guptill　and　even　of　Perry　Blackwood
that　must　have　been　without　license　or　bounds。　　I　can　recall　only
fragments　of　my　remarks：　Greenhalge　wanted　to　be　mayor；　and　was　willing
to　put　the　stigma　of　slander　on　his　native　city　in　order　to　gain　his
ambition；　Krebs　had　made　a　failure　of　his　profession；　of　everything　save
in　bringing　shame　on　the　place　of　his　adoption；　and　on　the　single
occasion　heretofore　when　he　had　been　before　the　public；　in　the　School
Board　fiasco；　the　officials　indicted　on　his　supposed　evidence　had
triumphantly　been　vindicated；　Guptill　was　gaining　money　and　notoriety
out　of　his　spleen；　Perry　Blackwood　was　acting　out　of　spite。。。。　　I
returned　to　Krebs；　declaring　that　he　would　be　the　boss　of　the　city　if
that　ticket　were　elected；　demanding　whether　they　wished　for　a　boss　an
agitator　itching　for　power　and　recognition。。。。

I　was　conscious　at　the　moment　only　of　a　wild　relief　and　joy　in　letting
myself　go；　feelings　heightened　by　the　clapping　and　cheers　with　which　my
characterizations　were　received。　　The　fact　that　the　cheers　were　mingled
with　hisses　merely　served　to　drive　me　on。　　At　length；　when　I　had　returned
to　Krebs；　the　hisses　were　redoubled；　angering　me　the　more　because　of　the
evidence　they　gave　of　friends　of　his　in　my　audiences。　　Perhaps　I　had　made
some　of　these　friends　for　him！　　A　voice　shouted　out　above　the　uproar：

〃I　know　about　Krebs。　　He's　a　dd　sight　better　man　than　you。〃　　And　this
started　a　struggle　in　a　corner　of　the　hall。。。。　　I　managed；　somehow；　when
the　commotion　had　subsided；　to　regain　my　poise；　and　ended　by　uttering　the
conviction　that　the　common　sense　of　the　community　would　repudiate　the
Citizens　Union　and　all　it　stood　for。。。。

But　that　night；　as　I　lay　awake　listening　to　the　street　noises　and　staring
at　the　glint　from　a　street　lamp　on　the　brass　knob　of　my　bedstead；　I　knew
that　I　had　failed。　　I　had　committed　the　supreme　violation　of　the　self
that　leads　inevitably　to　its　final　dissolution。。。。　　Even　the　exuberant
headlines　of　the　newspapers　handed　me　by　the　club　servant　in　the　morning
brought　but　little　relief。

On　the　Saturday　morning　before　the　Tuesday　of　election　there　was　a
conference　in　the　directors'　room　of　the　Corn　National。　　The　city　reeked
with　smoke　and　acrid；　stale　gas；　the　electric　lights　were　turned　on　to
dispel　the　November　gloom。　　It　was　not　a　cheerful　conference；　nor　a
confident　one。　　For　the　first　time　in　a　collective　experience　the　men
gathered　there　were　confronted　with　a　situation　which　they　doubted　their
ability　to　control；　a　situation　for　which　there　was　no　precedent。　　They
had　to　reckon　with　a　new　and　unsolvable　equation　in　politics　and
finance；the　independent　voter。　　There　was　an　element　of　desperation　in
the　discussion。　　Recriminations　passed。　　Dickinson　implied　that　Gorse
with　all　his　knowledge　of　political　affairs　ought　to　have　foreseen　that
something　like　this　was　sure　to　happen；　should　have　managed　better　the
conventions　of　both　great　parties。　　The　railroad　counsel　retorted　that　it
had　been　as　much　Dickinson's　fault　as　his。　　Grierson　expressed　a　regret
that　I　had　broken　out　against　the　reformers；　it　had　reacted；　he　said；
and　this　was　just　enough　to　sting　me　to　retaliate　that　things　had　been
done　in　the　campaign；　chiefly　through　his　initiative；　that　were　not　only
unwise；　but　might　land　some　of　us　in　the　penitentiary　if　Krebs　were
elected。

〃Well；〃　Grierson　exclaimed；　〃whether　he's　elected　or　not；　I　wouldn't　give
much　now　for　your　chances　of　getting　to　the　Senate。　　We　can't　afford　to
fly　in　the　face　of　the　dear　public。〃

A　tense　silence　followed　this　remark。　　In　the　street　below　the　rumble　of
the　traffic　came　to　us　muffled　by　the　heavy　plate…glass　windows。　　I　saw
Tallant　glance　at　Gorse　and　Dickinson；　and　I　knew　the　matter　had　been
decided　between　themselves；　that　they　had　been　merely　withholding　it　from
me　until　after　election。　　I　was　besmirched；　for　the　present　at　least。

〃I　think　you　will　do　me　the　justice；　gentlemen；〃　I　remember　saying
slowly；　with　the　excessive　and　rather　ridiculous　formality　of　a　man　who
is　near　the　end　of　his　tether；　〃that　the　idea　of　representing　you　in　the
Senate　was　yours；　not　mine。　　You　begged　me　to　take　the　appointment
against　my　wishes　and　my　judgment。　　I　had　no　desire　to　go　to　Washington
then；　I　have　less　to…day。　　I　have　come　to　the　conclusion　that　my
usefulness　to　you　is　at　an　end。〃

I　got　to　my　feet。　　I　beheld　Miller　Gorse　sitting　impassive；　with　his
encompassing　stare；　the　strongest　man　of　them　all。　　A　change　of
firmaments　would　not　move　him。　　But　Dickinson　had　risen　and　put　his