a far country-第103章
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the farm I was afraid of it； although I did not know what it was to be。
Call it what you like； say that I am weak。 I am willing to acknowledge
that it is weakness。 I wish no credit for it； it gives me no glow； the
thought of it makes my heart sick。 I'm not big enough I suppose that's
the real truth。 I once might have been； but I'm not now；the years of
the life I chose have made a coward of me。 It's not a question of morals
or duty it's simply that I can't take the thing for which my soul craves。
It's too late。 If I believed in prayer I'd pray that you might pity and
forgive me。 I really can't expect you to understand what I can't myself
explain。 Oh； I need pityand I pity you； my dear。 I can only hope that
you will not suffer as I shall； that you will find relief away to work
out your life。 But I will not change my decision； I cannot change it。
Don't come on； don't attempt to see me now。 I can't stand any more than
I am standing； I should lose my mind。〃
Here the letter was blotted； and some words scratched out。 I was unable
to reconstruct them。
〃Ralph and I；〃 she proceeded irrelevantly； 〃have got Ham to agree to go
to Buzzard's Bay； and we have taken a house near Wareham。 Write and tell
me that you forgive and pity me。 I love you even more； if such a thing
is possible； than I have ever loved you。 This is my only comfort and
compensation； that I have had and have been able to feel such a love； and
I know I shall always feel it。Nancy。〃 The first effect of this letter
was a paralyzing one。 I was unable to realize or believe the thing that
had happened to me； and I sat stupidly holding the sheet in my hand until
I heard voices along the path； and then I fled instinctively； like an
animal； to hide my injury from any persons I might meet。 I wandered down
the shore of the lake； striking at length into the woods； seeking some
inviolable shelter； nor was I conscious of physical effort until I found
myself panting near the crest of the ridge where there was a pasture；
which some ancient glacier had strewn with great boulders。 Beside one of
these I sank。 Heralded by the deep tones of bells； two steers appeared
above the shoulder of a hill and stood staring at me with bovine
curiosity； and fell to grazing again。 A fleet of white clouds； like
ships pressed with sail； hurried across the sky as though racing for some
determined port； and the shadows they cast along the hillsides
accentuated the high brightness of the day； emphasized the vivid and
hateful beauty of the landscape。 My numbness began to be penetrated by
shooting pains； and I grasped little by little the fulness of my
calamity； until I was in the state of wild rebellion of one whom life for
the first time has foiled in a supreme desire。 There was no fate about
this thing； it was just an absurd accident。 The operation of the laws of
nature had sent a man to the ground： another combination of circumstances
would have killed him； still another； and he would have arisen unhurt。
But because of this particular combination my happiness was ruined； and
Nancy's！ She had not expected me to understand。 Well； I didn't
understand； I had no pity； in that hour I felt a resentment almost
amounting to hate； I could see only unreasoning superstition in the woman
I wanted above everything in the world。 Women of other days had indeed
renounced great loves： the thing was not unheard of。 But that this
should happen in these timesand to me！ It was unthinkable that Nancy
of all women shouldn't be emancipated from the thralls of religious
inhibition！ And if it wasn't 〃conscience；〃what was it？
Was it； as she said； weakness； lack of courage to take life when
it was offered her？。。。。 I was suddenly filled with the fever of
composing arguments to change a decision that appeared to me to be the
result of a monstrous caprice and delusion； writing them out； as they
occurred to me； in snatches on the backs of envelopesher envelopes。
Then I proceeded to make the draft of a letter； the effort required for
composition easing me until the draft was finished； when I started for
the hotel； climbing fences； leaping streams； making my way across rock
faces and through woods； halting now and then as some reenforcing
argument occurred to me to write it into my draft at the proper place
until the sheets were interlined and blurred and almost illegible。 It
was already three o'clock when I reached my room； and the mail left at
four。 I began to copy and revise my scrawl； glancing from time to time
at my watch； which I had laid on the table。 Hurriedly washing my face
and brushing my hair； I arrived downstairs just as the stage was
leaving。。。。
After the letter had gone still other arguments I might have added began
to occur to me； and I regretted that I had not softened some of the
things I wrote and made others more emphatic。 In places argument had
degenerated into abject entreaty。 Never had my desire been so
importunate as now； when I was in continual terror of losing her。 Nor
could I see how I was to live without her； life lacking a motive being
incomprehensible： yet the fire of optimism in me； though died down to
ashes； would not be extinguished。 At moments it flared up into what
almost amounted to a conviction that she could not resist my appeal。 I
had threatened to go to her； and more than once I started packing。。。。
Three days later I received a brief note in which she managed to convey
to me； though tenderly and compassionately； that her decision was
unalterable。 If I came on； she would refuse to see me。 I took the
afternoon stage and went back to the city； to plunge into affairs again；
but for weeks my torture was so acute that it gives me pain to recall it；
to dwell upon it to…day。。。。 And yet； amazing as it may seem； there came
a time when hope began to dawn again out of my despair。 Perhaps my life
had not been utterly shattered； after all： perhaps Ham Durrett would get
well： such things happened； and Nancy would no longer have an excuse for
continuing to refuse me。 Little by little my anger at what I had now
become convinced was her weakness cooled； andthough paradoxically I had
continued to love her in spite of the torture for which she was
responsible； in spite of the resentment I felt； I melted toward her。
True to my habit of reliance on miracles； I tried to reconcile myself to
a period of waiting。
Nevertheless I was faintly awareconsequent upon if not as a result of
this tremendous experienceof some change within me。 It was not only
that I felt at times a novel sense of uneasiness at being a prey to
accidents； subject to ravages of feeling； the unity of mind that had
hitherto enabled me to press forward continuously toward a concrete goal
showed signs of breaking up：the goal had lost its desirability。 I
seemed oddly to be relapsing into the states of questioning that had
characterized my earlier years。 Perhaps it would be an exaggeration to
say that I actually began to speculate on the possible existence of a
realm where the soul might find a refuge from the buffetings of life；
from which the philosophy of prosperity was powerless to save it。。。。
XXIV。
It was impossible； of course； that my friends should have failed to
perceive the state of disorganization I was in； and some of them at least
must have guessed its cause。 Dickinson； on his return from Maine； at
once begged me to go away。 I rather congratulated myself that Tom had
chosen these months for a long…delayed vacation in Canada。 His passion
for fishing still persisted。
In spite of the fact I have noted； that I had lost a certain zest for
results； to keep busy seemed to be the only way to relieve my mind of an
otherwise intolerable pressure： and I worked sometimes far into the
evening。 In the background of my thoughts lay the necessity of coming to
a decision on the question of the senatorship； several times Dickinson
and Gorse had spoken of it； and I was beginning to get letters from
influential men in other parts of the state。 They seemed to take it for
granted that there was no question of my refusing。 The time came when I
had grown able to consider the matter with a degree
