the magic skin-第40章
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drowning on a small scale? If we are picked up by the police and
stretched out on those chilly benches of theirs at the police…station;
do we not enjoy all the pleasures of the Morgue? For though we are not
blue and green; muddy and swollen corpses; on the other hand we have
the consciousness of the climax。
〃 'Ah;' he went on; 'this protracted suicide has nothing in common
with the bankrupt grocer's demise。 Tradespeople have brought the river
into disrepute; they fling themselves in to soften their creditors'
hearts。 In your place I should endeavor to die gracefully; and if you
wish to invent a novel way of doing it; by struggling with life after
this manner; I will be your second。 I am disappointed and sick of
everything。 The Alsacienne; whom it was proposed that I should marry;
had six toes on her left foot; I cannot possibly live with a woman who
has six toes! It would get about to a certainty; and then I should be
ridiculous。 Her income was only eighteen thousand francs; her fortune
diminished in quantity as her toes increased。 The devil take it; if we
begin an outrageous sort of life; we may come on some bit of luck;
perhaps!'
〃Rastignac's eloquence carried me away。 The attractions of the plan
shone too temptingly; hopes were kindled; the poetical aspects of the
matter appealed to a poet。
〃 'How about money?' I said。
〃 'Haven't you four hundred and fifty francs?'
〃 'Yes; but debts to my landlady and the tailor'
〃 'You would pay your tailor? You will never be anything whatever; not
so much as a minister。'
〃 'But what can one do with twenty louis?'
〃 'Go to the gaming…table。'
〃I shuddered。
〃 'You are going to launch out into what I call systematic
dissipation;' said he; noticing my scruples; 'and yet you are afraid
of a green table…cloth。'
〃 'Listen to me;' I answered。 'I promised my father never to set foot
in a gaming…house。 Not only is that a sacred promise; but I still feel
an unconquerable disgust whenever I pass a gambling…hell; take the
money and go without me。 While our fortune is at stake; I will set my
own affairs straight; and then I will go to your lodgings and wait for
you。'
〃That was the way I went to perdition。 A young man has only to come
across a woman who will not love him; or a woman who loves him too
well; and his whole life becomes a chaos。 Prosperity swallows up our
energy just as adversity obscures our virtues。 Back once more in my
Hotel de Saint…Quentin; I gazed about me a long while in the garret
where I had led my scholar's temperate life; a life which would
perhaps have been a long and honorable one; and that I ought not to
have quitted for the fevered existence which had urged me to the brink
of a precipice。 Pauline surprised me in this dejected attitude。
〃 'Why; what is the matter with you?' she asked。
〃I rose and quietly counted out the money owing to her mother; and
added to it sufficient to pay for six months' rent in advance。 She
watched me in some alarm。
〃 'I am going to leave you; dear Pauline。'
〃 'I knew it!' she exclaimed。
〃 'Listen; my child。 I have not given up the idea of coming back。 Keep
my room for me for six months。 If I do not return by the fifteenth of
November; you will come into possession of my things。 This sealed
packet of manuscript is the fair copy of my great work on 〃The
Will;〃 ' I went on; pointing to a package。 'Will you deposit it in the
King's Library? And you may do as you wish with everything that is
left here。'
〃Her look weighed heavily on my heart; Pauline was an embodiment of
conscience there before me。
〃 'I shall have no more lessons;' she said; pointing to the piano。
〃I did not answer that。
〃 'Will you write to me?'
〃 'Good…bye; Pauline。'
〃I gently drew her towards me; and set a kiss on that innocent fair
brow of hers; like snow that has not yet touched the eartha father's
or a brother's kiss。 She fled。 I would not see Madame Gaudin; hung my
key in its wonted place; and departed。 I was almost at the end of the
Rue de Cluny when I heard a woman's light footstep behind me。
〃 'I have embroidered this purse for you;' Pauline said; 'will you
refuse even that?'
〃By the light of the street lamp I thought I saw tears in Pauline's
eyes; and I groaned。 Moved perhaps by a common impulse; we parted in
haste like people who fear the contagion of the plague。
〃As I waited with dignified calmness for Rastignac's return; his room
seemed a grotesque interpretation of the sort of life I was about to
enter upon。 The clock on the chimney…piece was surmounted by a Venus
resting on her tortoise; a half…smoked cigar lay in her arms。 Costly
furniture of various kindslove tokens; very likelywas scattered
about。 Old shoes lay on a luxurious sofa。 The comfortable armchair
into which I had thrown myself bore as many scars as a veteran; the
arms were gnashed; the back was overlaid with a thick; stale deposit
of pomade and hair…oil from the heads of all his visitors。 Splendor
and squalor were oddly mingled; on the walls; the bed; and everywhere。
You might have thought of a Neapolitan palace and the groups of
lazzaroni about it。 It was the room of a gambler or a mauvais sujet;
where the luxury exists for one individual; who leads the life of the
senses and does not trouble himself over inconsistencies。
〃There was a certain imaginative element about the picture it
presented。 Life was suddenly revealed there in its rags and spangles
as the incomplete thing it really is; of course; but so vividly and
picturesquely; it was like a den where a brigand has heaped up all the
plunder in which he delights。 Some pages were missing from a copy of
Byron's poems: they had gone to light a fire of a few sticks for this
young person; who played for stakes of a thousand francs; and had not
a faggot; he kept a tilbury; and had not a whole shirt to his back。
Any day a countess or an actress or a run of luck at ecarte might set
him up with an outfit worthy of a king。 A candle had been stuck into
the green bronze sheath of a vestaholder; a woman's portrait lay
yonder; torn out of its carved gold setting。 How was it possible that
a young man; whose nature craved excitement; could renounce a life so
attractive by reason of its contradictions; a life that afforded all
the delights of war in the midst of peace? I was growing drowsy when
Rastignac kicked the door open and shouted:
〃 'Victory! Now we can take our time about dying。'
〃He held out his hat filled with gold to me; and put it down on the
table; then we pranced round it like a pair of cannibals about to eat
a victim; we stamped; and danced; and yelled; and sang; we gave each
other blows fit to kill an elephant; at sight of all the pleasures of
the world contained in that hat。
〃 'Twenty…seven thousand francs;' said Rastignac; adding a few bank…
notes to the pile of gold。 'That would be enough for other folk to
live upon; will it be sufficient for us to die on? Yes! we will
breathe our last in a bath of goldhurrah!' and we capered afresh。
〃We divided the windfall。 We began with double…napoleons; and came
down to the smaller coins; one by one。 'This for you; this for me;' we
kept saying; distilling our joy drop by drop。
〃 'We won't go to sleep;' cried Rastignac。 'Joseph! some punch!'
〃He threw gold to his faithful attendant。
〃 'There is your share;' he said; 'go and bury yourself if you can。'
〃Next day I went to Lesage and chose my furniture; took the rooms that
you know in the Rue Taitbout; and left the decoration to one of the
best upholsterers。 I bought horses。 I plunged into a vortex of
pleasures; at once hollow and real。 I went in for play; gaining and
losing enormous sums; but only at friends' houses and in ballrooms;
never in gaming…houses; for which I still retained the holy horror of
my early days。 Without meaning it; I made some friends; either