the magic skin-第39章

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〃　'If　it　is　any　comfort　to　you；'　she　retorted　cheerfully；　'I　can

assure　you　that　I　shall　never　belong　to　any　one'



〃　'So　you　offer　an　affront　to　God　Himself；'　I　interrupted；　'and　you

will　be　punished　for　it。　Some　day　you　will　lie　upon　your　sofa

suffering　unheard…of　ills；　unable　to　endure　the　light　or　the　slightest

sound；　condemned　to　live　as　it　were　in　the　tomb。　Then；　when　you　seek

the　causes　of　those　lingering　and　avenging　torments；　you　will　remember

the　woes　that　you　distributed　so　lavishly　upon　your　way。　You　have　sown

curses；　and　hatred　will　be　your　reward。　We　are　the　real　judges；　the

executioners　of　a　justice　that　reigns　here　below；　which　overrules　the

justice　of　man　and　the　laws　of　God。'



〃　'No　doubt　it　is　very　culpable　in　me　not　to　love　you；'　she　said；

laughing。　'Am　I　to　blame？　No。　I　do　not　love　you；　you　are　a　man；　that

is　sufficient。　I　am　happy　by　myself；　why　should　I　give　up　my　way　of

living；　a　selfish　way；　if　you　will；　for　the　caprices　of　a　master？

Marriage　is　a　sacrament　by　virtue　of　which　each　imparts　nothing　but

vexations　to　the　other。　Children；　moreover；　worry　me。　Did　I　not

faithfully　warn　you　about　my　nature？　Why　are　you　not　satisfied　to　have

my　friendship？　I　wish　I　could　make　you　amends　for　all　the　troubles　I

have　caused　you；　through　not　guessing　the　value　of　your　poor　five…

franc　pieces。　I　appreciate　the　extent　of　your　sacrifices；　but　your

devotion　and　delicate　tact　can　be　repaid　by　love　alone；　and　I　care　so

little　for　you；　that　this　scene　has　a　disagreeable　effect　upon　me。'



〃　'I　am　fully　aware　of　my　absurdity；'　I　said；　unable　to　restrain　my

tears。　'Pardon　me；'　I　went　on；　'it　was　a　delight　to　hear　those　cruel

words　you　have　just　uttered；　so　well　I　love　you。　O；　if　I　could　testify

my　love　with　every　drop　of　blood　in　me！'



〃　'Men　always　repeat　these　classic　formulas　to　us；　more　or　less

effectively；'　she　answered；　still　smiling。　'But　it　appears　very

difficult　to　die　at　our　feet；　for　I　see　corpses　of　that　kind　about

everywhere。　It　is　twelve　o'clock。　Allow　me　to　go　to　bed。'



〃　'And　in　two　hours'　time　you　will　cry　to　yourself；　AH；　MON　DIEU！'



〃　'Like　the　day　before　yesterday！　Yes；'　she　said；　'I　was　thinking　of

my　stockbroker；　I　had　forgotten　to　tell　him　to　convert　my　five　per

cent　stock　into　threes；　and　the　three　per　cents　had　fallen　during　the

day。'



〃I　looked　at　her；　and　my　eyes　glittered　with　anger。　Sometimes　a　crime

may　be　a　whole　romance；　I　understood　that　just　then。　She　was　so

accustomed；　no　doubt；　to　the　most　impassioned　declarations　of　this

kind；　that　my　words　and　my　tears　were　forgotten　already。



〃　'Would　you　marry　a　peer　of　France？'　I　demanded　abruptly。



〃　'If　he　were　a　duke；　I　might。'



〃I　seized　my　hat　and　made　her　a　bow。



〃　'Permit　me　to　accompany　you　to　the　door；'　she　said；　cutting　irony　in

her　tones；　in　the　poise　of　her　head；　and　in　her　gesture。



〃　'Madame'



〃　'Monsieur？'



〃　'I　shall　never　see　you　again。'



〃　'I　hope　not；'　and　she　insolently　inclined　her　head。



〃　'You　wish　to　be　a　duchess？'　I　cried；　excited　by　a　sort　of　madness

that　her　insolence　roused　in　me。　'You　are　wild　for　honors　and　titles？

Well；　only　let　me　love　you；　bid　my　pen　write　and　my　voice　speak　for

you　alone；　be　the　inmost　soul　of　my　life；　my　guiding　star！　Then；　only

accept　me　for　your　husband　as　a　minister；　a　peer　of　France；　a　duke。　I

will　make　of　myself　whatever　you　would　have　me　be！'



〃　'You　made　good　use　of　the　time　you　spent　with　the　advocate；'　she

said　smiling。　'There　is　a　fervency　about　your　pleadings。'



〃　'The　present　is　yours；'　I　cried；　'but　the　future　is　mine！　I　only

lose　a　woman；　you　are　losing　a　name　and　a　family。　Time　is　big　with　my

revenge；　time　will　spoil　your　beauty；　and　yours　will　be　a　solitary

death；　and　glory　waits　for　me！'



〃　'Thanks　for　your　peroration！'　she　said；　repressing　a　yawn；　the　wish

that　she　might　never　see　me　again　was　expressed　in　her　whole　bearing。



〃That　remark　silenced　me。　I　flung　at　her　a　glance　full　of　hatred；　and

hurried　away。



〃Foedora　must　be　forgotten；　I　must　cure　myself　of　my　infatuation；　and

betake　myself　once　more　to　my　lonely　studies；　or　die。　So　I　set　myself

tremendous　tasks；　I　determined　to　complete　my　labors。　For　fifteen　days

I　never　left　my　garret；　spending　whole　nights　in　pallid　thought。　I

worked　with　difficulty；　and　by　fits　and　starts；　despite　my　courage　and

the　stimulation　of　despair。　The　music　had　fled。　I　could　not　exorcise

the　brilliant　mocking　image　of　Foedora。　Something　morbid　brooded　over

every　thought；　a　vague　longing　as　dreadful　as　remorse。　I　imitated　the

anchorites　of　the　Thebaid。　If　I　did　not　pray　as　they　did；　I　lived　a

life　in　the　desert　like　theirs；　hewing　out　my　ideas　as　they　were　wont

to　hew　their　rocks。　I　could　at　need　have　girdled　my　waist　with　spikes；

that　physical　suffering　might　quell　mental　anguish。



〃One　evening　Pauline　found　her　way　into　my　room。



〃　'You　are　killing　yourself；'　she　said　imploringly；　'you　should　go　out

and　see　your　friends'



〃　'Pauline；　you　were　a　true　prophet；　Foedora　is　killing　me；　I　want　to

die。　My　life　is　intolerable。'



〃　'Is　there　only　one　woman　in　the　world？'　she　asked；　smiling。　'Why

make　yourself　so　miserable　in　so　short　a　life？'



〃I　looked　at　Pauline　in　bewilderment。　She　left　me　before　I　noticed　her

departure；　the　sound　of　her　words　had　reached　me；　but　not　their　sense。

Very　soon　I　had　to　take　my　Memoirs　in　manuscript　to　my　literary…

contractor。　I　was　so　absorbed　by　my　passion；　that　I　could　not　remember

how　I　had　managed　to　live　without　money；　I　only　knew　that　the　four

hundred　and　fifty　francs　due　to　me　would　pay　my　debts。　So　I　went　to

receive　my　salary；　and　met　Rastignac；　who　thought　me　changed　and

thinner。



〃　'What　hospital　have　you　been　discharged　from？'　he　asked。



〃　'That　woman　is　killing　me；'　I　answered；　'I　can　neither　despise　her

nor　forget　her。'



〃　'You　had　much　better　kill　her；　then　perhaps　you　would　think　no　more

of　her；'　he　said；　laughing。



〃　'I　have　often　thought　of　it；'　I　replied；　'but　though　sometimes　the

thought　of　a　crime　revives　my　spirits；　of　violence　and　murder；　either

or　both；　I　am　really　incapable　of　carrying　out　the　design。　The

countess　is　an　admirable　monster　who　would　crave　for　pardon；　and　not

every　man　is　an　Othello。'



〃　'She　is　like　every　woman　who　is　beyond　our　reach；'　Rastignac

interrupted。



〃　'I　am　mad；'　I　cried；　'I　can　feel　the　madness　raging　at　times　in　my

brain。　My　ideas　are　like　shadows；　they　flit　before　me；　and　I　cannot

grasp　them。　Death　would　be　preferable　to　this　life；　and　I　have

carefully　considered　the　best　way　of　putting　an　end　to　the　struggle。　I

am　not　thinking　of　the　living　Foedora　in　the　Faubourg　Saint　Honore；

but　of　my　Foedora　here；'　and　I　tapped　my　forehead。　'What　to　you　say　to

opium？'



〃　'Pshaw！　horrid　agonies；'　said　Rastignac。



〃　'Or　charcoal　fumes？'



〃　'A　low　dodge。'



〃　'Or　the　Seine？'



〃　'The　drag…nets；　and　the　Morgue　too；　are　filthy。'



〃　'A　pistol…shot？'



〃　'And　if　you　miscalculate；　you　disfigure　yourself　for　life。　Listen　to

me；'　he　went　on；　'like　all　young　men；　I　have　pondered　over　suicide。

Which　of　us　hasn't　killed　himself　two　or　three　times　before　he　is

thirty？　I　find　there　is　no　better　course　than　to　use　existence　as　a

means　of　pleasure。　Go　in　for　thorough　dissipation；　and　your　passion　or

you　will　perish　in　it。　Intemperance；　my　dear　fellow；　commands　all

forms　of　death。　Does　she　not　wield　the　thunderbolt　of　apoplexy？

Apoplexy　is　a　pistol…shot　that　does　not　miscalculate。　Orgies　are

lavish　in　all　physical　pleasures；　is　not　that　the　small　change　for

opium？　And　the　riot　that　makes　us　drink　to　excess　bears　a　challenge　to

mortal　combat　with　wine。　That　butt　of　Malmsey　of　the　Duke　of

Clarence's　must　have　had　a　pleasanter　flavor　than　Seine　mud。　When　we

sink　gloriously　under　the　table；　is　not　that　a　periodical　death　by

drowning　on　a　small　scale？　If　we　are　picked　up　by　the　police　and

stretched　out　on　those　chill