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第35章

the magic skin-第35章

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several people of taste; and I obtained the honor of taking her to a

first presentation of some wretched farce or other。 A box scarcely

cost five francs; but I had not a brass farthing。 I was but half…way

through the volume of Memoirs; I dared not beg for assistance of

Finot; and Rastignac; my providence; was away。 These constant

perplexities were the bane of my life。



〃We had once come out of the theatre when it was raining heavily;

Foedora had called a cab for me before I could escape from her show of

concern; she would not admit any of my excusesmy liking for wet

weather; and my wish to go to the gaming…table。 She did not read my

poverty in my embarrassed attitude; or in my forced jests。 My eyes

would redden; but she did not understand a look。 A young man's life is

at the mercy of the strangest whims! At every revolution of the wheels

during the journey; thoughts that burned stirred in my heart。 I tried

to pull up a plank from the bottom of the vehicle; hoping to slip

through the hole into the street; but finding insuperable obstacles; I

burst into a fit of laughter; and then sat stupefied in calm

dejection; like a man in a pillory。 When I reached my lodging; Pauline

broke in through my first stammering words with:



〃 'If you haven't any money?'



〃Ah; the music of Rossini was as nothing compared with those words。

But to return to the performance at the Funambules。



〃I thought of pawning the circlet of gold round my mother's portrait

in order to escort the countess。 Although the pawnbroker loomed in my

thoughts as one of the doors of a convict's prison; I would rather

myself have carried my bed thither than have begged for alms。 There is

something so painful in the expression of a man who asks money of you!

There are loans that mulct us of our self…respect; just as some

rebuffs from a friend's lips sweep away our last illusion。



〃Pauline was working; her mother had gone to bed。 I flung a stealthy

glance over the bed; the curtains were drawn back a little; Madame

Gaudin was in a deep sleep; I thought; when I saw her quiet; sallow

profile outlined against the pillow。



〃 'You are in trouble?' Pauline said; dipping her brush into the

coloring。



〃 'It is in your power to do me a great service; my dear child;' I

answered。



〃The gladness in her eyes frightened me。



〃 'Is it possible that she loves me?' I thought。 'Pauline;' I began。 I

went and sat near to her; so as to study her。 My tones had been so

searching that she read my thought; her eyes fell; and I scrutinized

her face。 It was so pure and frank that I fancied I could see as

clearly into her heart as into my own。



〃 'Do you love me?' I asked。



〃 'A little;passionatelynot a bit!' she cried。



〃Then she did not love me。 Her jesting tones; and a little gleeful

movement that escaped her; expressed nothing beyond a girlish; blithe

goodwill。 I told her about my distress and the predicament in which I

found myself; and asked her to help me。



〃 'You do not wish to go to the pawnbroker's yourself; M。 Raphael;'

she answered; 'and yet you would send me!'



〃I blushed in confusion at the child's reasoning。 She took my hand in

hers as if she wanted to compensate for this home…truth by her light

touch upon it。



〃 'Oh; I would willingly go;' she said; 'but it is not necessary。 I

found two five…franc pieces at the back of the piano; that had slipped

without your knowledge between the frame and the keyboard; and I laid

them on your table。'



〃 'You will soon be coming into some money; M。 Raphael;' said the kind

mother; showing her face between the curtains; 'and I can easily lend

you a few crowns meanwhile。'



〃 'Oh; Pauline!' I cried; as I pressed her hand; 'how I wish that I

were rich!'



〃 'Bah! why should you?' she said petulantly。 Her hand shook in mine

with the throbbing of her pulse; she snatched it away; and looked at

both of mine。



〃 'You will marry a rich wife;' she said; 'but she will give you a

great deal of trouble。 Ah; Dieu! she will be your death;I am sure of

it。'



〃In her exclamation there was something like belief in her mother's

absurd superstitions。



〃 'You are very credulous; Pauline!'



〃 'The woman whom you will love is going to kill youthere is no

doubt of it;' she said; looking at me with alarm。



〃She took up her brush again and dipped it in the color; her great

agitation was evident; she looked at me no longer。 I was ready to give

credence just then to superstitious fancies; no man is utterly

wretched so long as he is superstitious; a belief of that kind is

often in reality a hope。



〃I found that those two magnificent five…franc pieces were lying; in

fact; upon my table when I reached my room。 During the first confused

thoughts of early slumber; I tried to audit my accounts so as to

explain this unhoped…for windfall; but I lost myself in useless

calculations; and slept。 Just as I was leaving my room to engage a box

the next morning; Pauline came to see me。



〃 'Perhaps your ten francs is not enough;' said the amiable; kind…

hearted girl; 'my mother told me to offer you this money。 Take it;

please; take it!'



〃She laid three crowns upon the table; and tried to escape; but I

would not let her go。 Admiration dried the tears that sprang to my

eyes。



〃 'You are an angel; Pauline;' I said。 'It is not the loan that

touches me so much as the delicacy with which it is offered。 I used to

wish for a rich wife; a fashionable woman of rank; and now; alas! I

would rather possess millions; and find some girl; as poor as you are;

with a generous nature like your own; and I would renounce a fatal

passion which will kill me。 Perhaps what you told me will come true。'



〃 'That is enough;' she said; and fled away; the fresh trills of her

birdlike voice rang up the staircase。



〃 'She is very happy in not yet knowing love;' I said to myself;

thinking of the torments I had endured for many months past。



〃Pauline's fifteen francs were invaluable to me。 Foedora; thinking of

the stifling odor of the crowded place where we were to spend several

hours; was sorry that she had not brought a bouquet; I went in search

of flowers for her; as I had laid already my life and my fate at her

feet。 With a pleasure in which compunction mingled; I gave her a

bouquet。 I learned from its price the extravagance of superficial

gallantry in the world。 But very soon she complained of the heavy

scent of a Mexican jessamine。 The interior of the theatre; the bare

bench on which she was to sit; filled her with intolerable disgust;

she upbraided me for bringing her there。 Although she sat beside me;

she wished to go; and she went。 I had spent sleepless nights; and

squandered two months of my life for her; and I could not please her。

Never had that tormenting spirit been more unfeeling or more

fascinating。



〃I sat beside her in the cramped back seat of the vehicle; all the way

I could feel her breath on me and the contact of her perfumed glove; I

saw distinctly all her exceeding beauty; I inhaled a vague scent of

orris…root; so wholly a woman she was; with no touch of womanhood。

Just then a sudden gleam of light lit up the depths of this mysterious

life for me。 I thought all at once of a book just published by a poet;

a genuine conception of the artist; in the shape of the statue of

Polycletus。



〃I seemed to see that monstrous creation; at one time an officer;

breaking in a spirited horse; at another; a girl; who gives herself up

to her toilette and breaks her lovers' hearts; or again; a false lover

driving a timid and gentle maid to despair。 Unable to analyze Foedora

by any other process; I told her this fanciful story; but no hint of

her resemblance to this poetry of the impossible crossed herit

simply diverted her; she was like a child over a story from the

Arabian Nights。



〃 'Foedora must be shielded by some talisman;' I thought to myself as

I

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