the magic skin-第33章
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women can scarcely explain to themselves had determined her to go on
foot； by way of the boulevards； to the Jardin des Plantes。
〃 'It will rain；' I told her； and it pleased her to contradict me。
〃As it fell out； the weather was fine while we went through the
Luxembourg； when we came out； some drops fell from a great cloud；
whose progress I had watched uneasily； and we took a cab。 At the
Museum I was about to dismiss the vehicle； and Foedora （what agonies！）
asked me not to do so。 But it was like a dream in broad daylight for
me； to chat with her； to wander in the Jardin des Plantes； to stray
down the shady alleys； to feel her hand upon my arm； the secret
transports repressed in me were reduced； no doubt； to a fixed and
foolish smile upon my lips； there was something unreal about it all。
Yet in all her movements； however alluring； whether we stood or
whether we walked； there was nothing either tender or lover…like。 When
I tried to share in a measure the action of movement prompted by her
life； I became aware of a check； or of something strange in her that I
cannot explain； or an inner activity concealed in her nature。 There is
no suavity about the movements of women who have no soul in them。 Our
wills were opposed； and we did not keep step together。 Words are
wanting to describe this outward dissonance between two beings； we are
not accustomed to read a thought in a movement。 We instinctively feel
this phenomenon of our nature； but it cannot be expressed。
〃I did not dissect my sensations during those violent seizures of
passion；〃 Raphael went on； after a moment of silence； as if he were
replying to an objection raised by himself。 〃I did not analyze my
pleasures nor count my heartbeats then； as a miser scrutinizes and
weighs his gold pieces。 No； experience sheds its melancholy light over
the events of the past to…day； and memory brings these pictures back；
as the sea…waves in fair weather cast up fragment after fragment of
the debris of a wrecked vessel upon the strand。
〃 'It is in your power to render me a rather important service；' said
the countess； looking at me in an embarrassed way。 'After confiding in
you my aversion to lovers； I feel myself more at liberty to entreat
your good offices in the name of friendship。 Will there not be very
much more merit in obliging me to…day？' she asked； laughing。
〃I looked at her in anguish。 Her manner was coaxing； but in no wise
affectionate； she felt nothing for me； she seemed to be playing a
part； and I thought her a consummate actress。 Then all at once my
hopes awoke once more； at a single look and word。 Yet if reviving love
expressed itself in my eyes； she bore its light without any change in
the clearness of her own； they seemed； like a tiger's eyes； to have a
sheet of metal behind them。 I used to hate her in such moments。
〃 'The influence of the Duc de Navarreins would be very useful to me；
with an all…powerful person in Russia；' she went on； persuasion in
every modulation of her voice； 'whose intervention I need in order to
have justice done me in a matter that concerns both my fortune and my
position in the world； that is to say； the recognition of my marriage
by the Emperor。 Is not the Duc de Navarreins a cousin of yours？ A
letter from him would settle everything。'
〃 'I am yours；' I answered； 'command me。'
〃 'You are very nice；' she said； pressing my hand。 'Come and have
dinner with me； and I will tell you everything； as if you were my
confessor。'
〃So this discreet； suspicious woman； who had never been heard to speak
a word about her affairs to any one； was going to consult me。
〃 'Oh； how dear to me is this silence that you have imposed on me！' I
cried； 'but I would rather have had some sharper ordeal still。' And
she smiled upon the intoxication in my eyes； she did not reject my
admiration in any way； surely she loved me！
〃Fortunately； my purse held just enough to satisfy her cab…man。 The
day spent in her house； alone with her； was delicious； it was the
first time that I had seen her in this way。 Hitherto we had always
been kept apart by the presence of others； and by her formal
politeness and reserved manners； even during her magnificent dinners；
but now it was as if I lived beneath her own roofI had her all to
myself； so to speak。 My wandering fancy broke down barriers； arranged
the events of life to my liking； and steeped me in happiness and love。
I seemed to myself her husband； I liked to watch her busied with
little details； it was a pleasure to me even to see her take off her
bonnet and shawl。 She left me alone for a little； and came back；
charming； with her hair newly arranged； and this dainty change of
toilette had been made for me！
〃During the dinner she lavished attention upon me； and put charm
without end into those numberless trifles to all seeming； that make up
half of our existence nevertheless。 As we sat together before a
crackling fire； on silken cushions surrounded by the most desirable
creations of Oriental luxury； as I saw this woman whose famous beauty
made every heart beat； so close to me； an unapproachable woman who was
talking and bringing all her powers of coquetry to bear upon me； then
my blissful pleasure rose almost to the point of suffering。 To my
vexation； I recollected the important business to be concluded； I
determined to go to keep the appointment made for me for this evening。
〃 'So soon？' she said； seeing me take my hat。
〃She loved me； then！ or I thought so at least； from the bland tones in
which those two words were uttered。 I would then have bartered a
couple of years of life for every hour she chose to grant to me； and
so prolong my ecstasy。 My happiness was increased by the extent of the
money I sacrificed。 It was midnight before she dismissed me。 But on
the morrow； for all that； my heroism cost me a good many remorseful
pangs； I was afraid the affair of the Memoirs； now of such importance
for me； might have fallen through； and rushed off to Rastignac。 We
found the nominal author of my future labors just getting up。
〃Finot read over a brief agreement to me； in which nothing whatever
was said about my aunt； and when it had been signed he paid me down
fifty crowns； and the three of us breakfasted together。 I had only
thirty francs left over； when I had paid for my new hat； for sixty
tickets at thirty sous each； and settled my debts； but for some days
to come the difficulties of living were removed。 If I had but listened
to Rastignac； I might have had abundance by frankly adopting the
'English system。' He really wanted to establish my credit by setting
me to raise loans； on the theory that borrowing is the basis of
credit。 To hear him talk； the future was the largest and most secure
kind of capital in the world。 My future luck was hypothecated for the
benefit of my creditors； and he gave my custom to his tailor； an
artist； and a young man's tailor； who was to leave me in peace until I
married。
〃The monastic life of study that I had led for three years past ended
on this day。 I frequented Foedora's house very diligently； and tried
to outshine the heroes or the swaggerers to be found in her circle。
When I believed that I had left poverty for ever behind me； I regained
my freedom of mind； humiliated my rivals； and was looked upon as a
very attractive； dazzling； and irresistible sort of man。 But acute
folk used to say with regard to me； 'A fellow as clever as that will
keep all his enthusiasms in his brain；' and charitably extolled my
faculties at the expense of my feelings。 'Isn't he lucky； not to be in
love！' they exclaimed。 'If he were； could he be so light…hearted and
animated？' Yet in Foedora's presence I was as dull as love could make
me。 When I was alone with her； I had not a word to say； or if I did
speak； I renounced love； and I affected gaiety but ill； like a
courtier who has a bitter mortification to hide。 I tried in every way
to
