the magic skin-第23章

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her　winsome　ways　and　laughter　amused　the　neighbors。　September　was　not

yet　over；　it　was　warm　and　fine；　so　that　women　sat　chatting　before

their　doors　as　if　it　were　a　fete…day　in　some　country　town。　At　first　I

watched　the　charming　expression　of　the　girl's　face　and　her　graceful

attitudes；　her　pose　fit　for　a　painter。　It　was　a　pretty　sight。　I　looked

about　me；　seeking　to　understand　this　blithe　simplicity　in　the　midst　of

Paris；　and　saw　that　the　street　was　a　blind　alley　and　but　little

frequented。　I　remembered　that　Jean　Jacques　had　once　lived　here；　and

looked　up　the　Hotel　Saint…Quentin。　Its　dilapidated　condition　awakened

hopes　of　a　cheap　lodging；　and　I　determined　to　enter。



〃I　found　myself　in　a　room　with　a　low　ceiling；　the　candles；　in　classic…

looking　copper　candle…sticks；　were　set　in　a　row　under　each　key。　The

predominating　cleanliness　of　the　room　made　a　striking　contrast　to　the

usual　state　of　such　places。　This　one　was　as　neat　as　a　bit　of　genre；

there　was　a　charming　trimness　about　the　blue　coverlet；　the　cooking

pots　and　furniture。　The　mistress　of　the　house　rose　and　came　to　me。　She

seemed　to　be　about　forty　years　of　age；　sorrows　had　left　their　traces

on　her　features；　and　weeping　had　dimmed　her　eyes。　I　deferentially

mentioned　the　amount　I　could　pay；　it　seemed　to　cause　her　no　surprise；

she　sought　out　a　key　from　the　row；　went　up　to　the　attics　with　me；　and

showed　me　a　room　that　looked　out　on　the　neighboring　roofs　and　courts；

long　poles　with　linen　drying　on　them　hung　out　of　the　window。



〃Nothing　could　be　uglier　than　this　garret；　awaiting　its　scholar；　with

its　dingy　yellow　walls　and　odor　of　poverty。　The　roofing　fell　in　a

steep　slope；　and　the　sky　was　visible　through　chinks　in　the　tiles。

There　was　room　for　a　bed；　a　table；　and　a　few　chairs；　and　beneath　the

highest　point　of　the　roof　my　piano　could　stand。　Not　being　rich　enough

to　furnish　this　cage　（that　might　have　been　one　of　the　Piombi　of

Venice）；　the　poor　woman　had　never　been　able　to　let　it；　and　as　I　had

saved　from　the　recent　sale　the　furniture　that　was　in　a　fashion

peculiarly　mine；　I　very　soon　came　to　terms　with　my　landlady；　and　moved

in　on　the　following　day。



〃For　three　years　I　lived　in　this　airy　sepulchre；　and　worked

unflaggingly　day　and　night；　and　so　great　was　the　pleasure　that　study

seemed　to　me　the　fairest　theme　and　the　happiest　solution　of　life。　The

tranquillity　and　peace　that　a　scholar　needs　is　something　as　sweet　and

exhilarating　as　love。　Unspeakable　joys　are　showered　on　us　by　the

exertion　of　our　mental　faculties；　the　quest　of　ideas；　and　the　tranquil

contemplation　of　knowledge；　delights　indescribable；　because　purely

intellectual　and　impalpable　to　our　senses。　So　we　are　obliged　to　use

material　terms　to　express　the　mysteries　of　the　soul。　The　pleasure　of

striking　out　in　some　lonely　lake　of　clear　water；　with　forests；　rocks；

and　flowers　around；　and　the　soft　stirring　of　the　warm　breeze；all

this　would　give；　to　those　who　knew　them　not；　a　very　faint　idea　of　the

exultation　with　which　my　soul　bathed　itself　in　the　beams　of　an　unknown

light；　hearkened　to　the　awful　and　uncertain　voice　of　inspiration；　as

vision　upon　vision　poured　from　some　unknown　source　through　my

throbbing　brain。



〃No　earthly　pleasure　can　compare　with　the　divine　delight　of　watching

the　dawn　of　an　idea　in　the　space　of　abstractions　as　it　rises　like　the

morning　sun；　an　idea　that；　better　still；　attains　gradually　like　a

child　to　puberty　and　man's　estate。　Study　lends　a　kind　of　enchantment

to　all　our　surroundings。　The　wretched　desk　covered　with　brown　leather

at　which　I　wrote；　my　piano；　bed；　and　armchair；　the　odd　wall…paper　and

furniture　seemed　to　have　for　me　a　kind　of　life　in　them；　and　to　be

humble　friends　of　mine　and　mute　partakers　of　my　destiny。　How　often

have　I　confided　my　soul　to　them　in　a　glance！　A　warped　bit　of　beading

often　met　my　eyes；　and　suggested　new　developments；a　striking　proof

of　my　system；　or　a　felicitous　word　by　which　to　render　my　all　but

inexpressible　thought。　By　sheer　contemplation　of　the　things　about　me　I

discerned　an　expression　and　a　character　in　each。　If　the　setting　sun

happened　to　steal　in　through　my　narrow　window；　they　would　take　new

colors；　fade　or　shine；　grow　dull　or　gay；　and　always　amaze　me　with　some

new　effect。　These　trifling　incidents　of　a　solitary　life；　which　escape

those　preoccupied　with　outward　affairs；　make　the　solace　of　prisoners。

And　what　was　I　but　the　captive　of　an　idea；　imprisoned　in　my　system；

but　sustained　also　by　the　prospect　of　a　brilliant　future？　At　each

obstacle　that　I　overcame；　I　seemed　to　kiss　the　soft　hands　of　a　woman

with　a　fair　face；　a　wealthy；　well…dressed　woman；　who　should　some　day

say　softly；　while　she　caressed　my　hair：



〃　'Poor　Angel；　how　thou　hast　suffered！'



〃I　had　undertaken　two　great　worksone　a　comedy　that　in　a　very　short

time　must　bring　me　wealth　and　fame；　and　an　entry　into　those　circles

whither　I　wished　to　return；　to　exercise　the　royal　privileges　of　a　man

of　genius。　You　all　saw　nothing　in　that　masterpiece　but　the　blunder　of

a　young　man　fresh　from　college；　a　babyish　fiasco。　Your　jokes　clipped

the　wings　of　a　throng　of　illusions；　which　have　never　stirred　since

within　me。　You；　dear　Emile；　alone　brought　soothing　to　the　deep　wounds

that　others　had　made　in　my　heart。　You　alone　will　admire　my　'Theory　of

the　Will。'　I　devoted　most　of　my　time　to　that　long　work；　for　which　I

studied　Oriental　languages；　physiology　and　anatomy。　If　I　do　not

deceive　myself；　my　labors　will　complete　the　task　begun　by　Mesmer；

Lavater；　Gall；　and　Bichat；　and　open　up　new　paths　in　science。



〃There　ends　that　fair　life　of　mine；　the　daily　sacrifice；　the

unrecognized　silkworm's　toil；　that　is；　perhaps；　its　own　sole

recompense。　Since　attaining　years　of　discretion；　until　the　day　when　I

finished　my　'Theory；'　I　observed；　learned；　wrote；　and　read

unintermittingly；　my　life　was　one　long　imposition；　as　schoolboys　say。

Though　by　nature　effeminately　attached　to　Oriental　indolence；　sensual

in　tastes；　and　a　wooer　of　dreams；　I　worked　incessantly；　and　refused　to

taste　any　of　the　enjoyments　of　Parisian　life。　Though　a　glutton；　I

became　abstemious；　and　loving　exercise　and　sea　voyages　as　I　did；　and

haunted　by　the　wish　to　visit　many　countries；　still　child　enough　to

play　at　ducks　and　drakes　with　pebbles　over　a　pond；　I　led　a　sedentary

life　with　a　pen　in　my　fingers。　I　liked　talking；　but　I　went　to　sit　and

mutely　listen　to　professors　who　gave　public　lectures　at　the

Bibliotheque　or　the　Museum。　I　slept　upon　my　solitary　pallet　like　a

Benedictine　brother；　though　woman　was　my　one　chimera；　a　chimera　that

fled　from　me　as　I　wooed　it！　In　short；　my　life　has　been　a　cruel

contradiction；　a　perpetual　cheat。　After　that；　judge　a　man！



〃Sometimes　my　natural　propensities　broke　out　like　a　fire　long

smothered。　I　was　debarred　from　the　women　whose　society　I　desired；

stripped　of　everything　and　lodged　in　an　artist's　garret；　and　by　a　sort

of　mirage　or　calenture　I　was　surrounded　by　captivating　mistresses。　I

drove　through　the　streets　of　Paris；　lolling　on　the　soft　cushions　of　a

fine　equipage。　I　plunged　into　dissipation；　into　corroding　vice；　I

desired　and　possessed　everything；　for　fasting　had　made　me　light…headed

like　the　tempted　Saint　Anthony。　Slumber；　happily；　would　put　an　end　at

last　to　these　devastating　trances；　and　on　the　morrow　science　would

beckon　me；　smiling；　and　I　was　faithful　to　her。　I　imagine　that　women

reputed　virtuous；　must　often　fall　a　prey　to　these　insane　tempests　of

desire　and　passion；　which　rise　in　us　in　spite　of　ourselves。　Such

dreams　have　a　charm　of　their　own；　they　are　something　akin　to　evening

gossip　round　the　winter　fire；　when　one　sets　out　for　some　voyage　in

China。　But　what　becomes　of　virtue　during　these　delicious　excursions；

when　fancy　overleaps　all　difficulties？



〃During　the　first　ten　months　of　seclusion　I　led　the　life　of　poverty

and　solitude　that　I　have　described　to　you；　I　used　to　steal　out

unobserved　every　morning　to　buy　my　own　provisions　for　the　day；　I

tidied　my　room；　I　was　at　once　master　a