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第21章

the magic skin-第21章

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understood; or I feared to be understood but too well; and yet the

storm within me was ready to burst at every chance courteous look。 In

spite of my readiness to take the semblance of interest in look or

word for a tenderer solicitude; I dared neither to speak nor to be

silent seasonably。 My words grew insignificant; and my silence stupid;

by sheer stress of emotion。 I was too ingenuous; no doubt; for that

artificial life; led by candle…light; where every thought is expressed

in conventional phrases; or by words that fashion dictates; and not

only so; I had not learned how to employ speech that says nothing; and

silence that says a great deal。 In short; I concealed the fires that

consumed me; and with such a soul as women wish to find; with all the

elevation of soul that they long for; and a mettle that fools plume

themselves upon; all women have been cruelly treacherous to me。



〃So in my simplicity I admired the heroes of this set when they

bragged about their conquests; and never suspected them of lying。 No

doubt it was a mistake to wish for a love that springs for a word's

sake; to expect to find in the heart of a vain; frivolous woman;

greedy for luxury and intoxicated with vanity; the great sea of

passion that surged tempestuously in my own breast。 Oh! to feel that

you were born to love; to make some woman's happiness; and yet to find

not one; not even a noble and courageous Marceline; not so much as an

old Marquise! Oh! to carry a treasure in your wallet; and not find

even some child; or inquisitive young girl; to admire it! In my

despair I often wished to kill myself。〃



〃Finely tragical to…night!〃 cried Emile。



〃Let me pass sentence on my life;〃 Raphael answered。 〃If your

friendship is not strong enough to bear with my elegy; if you cannot

put up with half an hour's tedium for my sake; go to sleep! But; then;

never ask again for the reason of suicide that hangs over me; that

comes nearer and calls to me; that I bow myself before。 If you are to

judge a man; you must know his secret thoughts; sorrows; and feelings;

to know merely the outward events of a man's life would only serve to

make a chronological tablea fool's notion of history。〃



Emile was so much struck with the bitter tones in which these words

were spoken; that he began to pay close attention to Raphael; whom he

watched with a bewildered expression。



〃Now;〃 continued the speaker; 〃all these things that befell me appear

in a new light。 The sequence of events that I once thought so

unfortunate created the splendid powers of which; later; I became so

proud。 If I may believe you; I possess the power of readily expressing

my thoughts; and I could take a forward place in the great field of

knowledge; and is not this the result of scientific curiosity; of

excessive application; and a love of reading which possessed me from

the age of seven till my entry on life? The very neglect in which I

was left; and the consequent habits of self…repression and self…

concentration; did not these things teach me how to consider and

reflect? Nothing in me was squandered in obedience to the exactions of

the world; which humble the proudest soul and reduce it to a mere

husk; and was it not this very fact that refined the emotional part of

my nature till it became the perfected instrument of a loftier purpose

than passionate desires? I remember watching the women who mistook me

with all the insight of contemned love。



〃I can see now that my natural sincerity must have been displeasing to

them; women; perhaps; even require a little hypocrisy。 And I; who in

the same hour's space am alternately a man and a child; frivolous and

thoughtful; free from bias and brimful of superstition; and oftentimes

myself as much a woman as any of them; how should they do otherwise

than take my simplicity for cynicism; my innocent candor for

impudence? They found my knowledge tiresome; my feminine languor;

weakness。 I was held to be listless and incapable of love or of steady

purpose; a too active imagination; that curse of poets; was no doubt

the cause。 My silence was idiotic; and as I daresay I alarmed them by

my efforts to please; women one and all have condemned me。 With tears

and mortification; I bowed before the decision of the world; but my

distress was not barren。 I determined to revenge myself on society; I

would dominate the feminine intellect; and so have the feminine soul

at my mercy; all eyes should be fixed upon me; when the servant at the

door announced my name。 I had determined from my childhood that I

would be a great man; I said with Andre Chenier; as I struck my

forehead; 'There is something underneath that!' I felt; I believed;

the thought within me that I must express; the system I must

establish; the knowledge I must interpret。



〃Let me pour out my follies; dear Emile; to…day I am barely twenty…six

years old; certain of dying unrecognized; and I have never been the

lover of the woman I dreamed of possessing。 Have we not all of us;

more or less; believed in the reality of a thing because we wished it?

I would never have a young man for my friend who did not place himself

in dreams upon a pedestal; weave crowns for his head; and have

complaisant mistresses。 I myself would often be a general; nay;

emperor; I have been a Byron; and then a nobody。 After this sport on

these pinnacles of human achievement; I became aware that all the

difficulties and steeps of life were yet to face。 My exuberant self…

esteem came to my aid; I had that intense belief in my destiny; which

perhaps amounts to genius in those who will not permit themselves to

be distracted by contact with the world; as sheep that leave their

wool on the briars of every thicket they pass by。 I meant to cover

myself with glory; and to work in silence for the mistress I hoped to

have one day。 Women for me were resumed into a single type; and this

woman I looked to meet in the first that met my eyes; but in each and

all I saw a queen; and as queens must make the first advances to their

lovers; they must draw near to meto me; so sickly; shy; and poor。

For her; who should take pity on me; my heart held in store such

gratitude over and beyond love; that I had worshiped her her whole

life long。 Later; my observations have taught me bitter truths。



〃In this way; dear Emile; I ran the risk of remaining companionless

for good。 The incomprehensible bent of women's minds appears to lead

them to see nothing but the weak points in a clever man; and the

strong points of a fool。 They feel the liveliest sympathy with the

fool's good qualities; which perpetually flatter their own defects;

while they find the man of talent hardly agreeable enough to

compensate for his shortcomings。 All capacity is a sort of

intermittent fever; and no woman is anxious to share in its

discomforts only; they look to find in their lovers the wherewithal to

gratify their own vanity。 It is themselves that they love in us! But

the artist; poor and proud; along with his endowment of creative

power; is furnished with an aggressive egotism! Everything about him

is involved in I know not what whirlpool of his ideas; and even his

mistress must gyrate along with them。 How is a woman; spoilt with

praise; to believe in the love of a man like that? Will she go to seek

him out? That sort of lover has not the leisure to sit beside a sofa

and give himself up to the sentimental simperings that women are so

fond of; and on which the false and unfeeling pride themselves。 He

cannot spare the time from his work; and how can he afford to humble

himself and go a…masquerading! I was ready to give my life once and

for all; but I could not degrade it in detail。 Besides; there is

something indescribably paltry in a stockbroker's tactics; who runs on

errands for some insipid affected woman; all this disgusts an artist。

Love in the abstract is not enough for a great man in poverty; he has

need of its utmost devotion。 The frivolous cr

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