the magic skin-第20章

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battlefield；　I　must　work　day　and　night；　seek　interviews　with

statesmen；　surprise　their　convictions；　try　to　interest　them　in　our

affairs；　and　gain　them　over；　with　their　wives　and　servants；　and　their

very　dogs；　and　all　this　abominable　business　had　to　take　the　form　of

pretty　speeches　and　polite　attentions。　Then　I　knew　the　mortifications

that　had　left　their　blighting　traces　on　my　father's　face。　For　about　a

year　I　led　outwardly　the　life　of　a　man　of　the　world；　but　enormous

labors　lay　beneath　the　surface　of　gadding　about；　and　eager　efforts　to

attach　myself　to　influential　kinsmen；　or　to　people　likely　to　be　useful

to　us。　My　relaxations　were　lawsuits；　and　memorials　still　furnished　the

staple　of　my　conversation。　Hitherto　my　life　had　been　blameless；　from

the　sheer　impossibility　of　indulging　the　desires　of　youth；　but　now　I

became　my　own　master；　and　in　dread　of　involving　us　both　in　ruin　by

some　piece　of　negligence；　I　did　not　dare　to　allow　myself　any　pleasure

or　expenditure。



〃While　we　are　young；　and　before　the　world　has　rubbed　off　the　delicate

bloom　from　our　sentiments；　the　freshness　of　our　impressions；　the　noble

purity　of　conscience　which　will　never　allow　us　to　palter　with　evil；

the　sense　of　duty　is　very　strong　within　us；　the　voice　of　honor　clamors

within　us；　and　we　are　open　and　straightforward。　At　that　time　I　was　all

these　things。　I　wished　to　justify　my　father's　confidence　in　me。　But

lately　I　would　have　stolen　a　paltry　sum　from　him；　with　secret　delight；

but　now　that　I　shared　the　burden　of　his　affairs；　of　his　name　and　of

his　house；　I　would　secretly　have　given　up　my　fortune　and　my　hopes　for

him；　as　I　was　sacrificing　my　pleasures；　and　even　have　been　glad　of　the

sacrifice！　So　when　M。　de　Villele　exhumed；　for　our　special　benefit；　an

imperial　decree　concerning　forfeitures；　and　had　ruined　us；　I

authorized　the　sale　of　my　property；　only　retaining　an　island　in　the

middle　of　the　Loire　where　my　mother　was　buried。　Perhaps　arguments　and

evasions；　philosophical；　philanthropic；　and　political　considerations

would　not　fail　me　now；　to　hinder　the　perpetration　of　what　my　solicitor

termed　a　'folly'；　but　at　one…and…twenty；　I　repeat；　we　are　all　aglow

with　generosity　and　affection。　The　tears　that　stood　in　my　father's

eyes　were　to　me　the　most　splendid　of　fortunes；　and　the　thought　of

those　tears　has　often　soothed　my　sorrow。　Ten　months　after　he　had　paid

his　creditors；　my　father　died　of　grief；　I　was　his　idol；　and　he　had

ruined　me！　The　thought　killed　him。　Towards　the　end　of　the　autumn　of

1826；　at　the　age　of　twenty…two；　I　was　the　sole　mourner　at　his

gravesidethe　grave　of　my　father　and　my　earliest　friend。　Not　many

young　men　have　found　themselves　alone　with　their　thoughts　as　they

followed　a　hearse；　or　have　seen　themselves　lost　in　crowded　Paris；　and

without　money　or　prospects。　Orphans　rescued　by　public　charity　have　at

any　rate　the　future　of　the　battlefield　before　them；　and　find　a　shelter

in　some　institution　and　a　father　in　the　government　or　in　the　procureur

du　roi。　I　had　nothing。



〃Three　months　later；　an　agent　made　over　to　me　eleven　hundred　and

twelve　francs；　the　net　proceeds　of　the　winding　up　of　my　father's

affairs。　Our　creditors　had　driven　us　to　sell　our　furniture。　From　my

childhood　I　had　been　used　to　set　a　high　value　on　the　articles　of

luxury　about　us；　and　I　could　not　help　showing　my　astonishment　at　the

sight　of　this　meagre　balance。



〃　'Oh；　rococo；　all　of　it！'　said　the　auctioneer。　A　terrible　word　that

fell　like　a　blight　on　the　sacred　memories　of　my　childhood；　and

dispelled　my　earliest　illusions；　the　dearest　of　all。　My　entire　fortune

was　comprised　in　this　'account　rendered；'　my　future　lay　in　a　linen　bag

with　eleven　hundred　and　twelve　francs　in　it；　human　society　stood

before　me　in　the　person　of　an　auctioneer's　clerk；　who　kept　his　hat　on

while　he　spoke。　Jonathan；　an　old　servant　who　was　much　attached　to　me；

and　whom　my　mother　had　formerly　pensioned　with　an　annuity　of　four

hundred　francs；　spoke　to　me　as　I　was　leaving　the　house　that　I　had　so

often　gaily　left　for　a　drive　in　my　childhood。



〃　'Be　very　economical；　Monsieur　Raphael！'



〃The　good　fellow　was　crying。



〃Such　were　the　events；　dear　Emile；　that　ruled　my　destinies；　moulded　my

character；　and　set　me；　while　still　young；　in　an　utterly　false　social

position；〃　said　Raphael　after　a　pause。　〃Family　ties；　weak　ones；　it　is

true；　bound　me　to　a　few　wealthy　houses；　but　my　own　pride　would　have

kept　me　aloof　from　them　if　contempt　and　indifference　had　not　shut

their　doors　on　me　in　the　first　place。　I　was　related　to　people　who　were

very　influential；　and　who　lavished　their　patronage　on　strangers；　but　I

found　neither　relations　nor　patrons　in　them。　Continually　circumscribed

in　my　affections；　they　recoiled　upon　me。　Unreserved　and　simple　by

nature；　I　must　have　appeared　frigid　and　sophisticated。　My　father's

discipline　had　destroyed　all　confidence　in　myself。　I　was　shy　and

awkward；　I　could　not　believe　that　my　opinion　carried　any　weight

whatever；　I　took　no　pleasure　in　myself；　I　thought　myself　ugly；　and　was

ashamed　to　meet　my　own　eyes。　In　spite　of　the　inward　voice　that　must　be

the　stay　of　a　man　with　anything　in　him；　in　all　his　struggles；　the

voice　that　cries；　'Courage！　Go　forward！'　in　spite　of　sudden

revelations　of　my　own　strength　in　my　solitude；　in　spite　of　the　hopes

that　thrilled　me　as　I　compared　new　works；　that　the　public　admired　so

much；　with　the　schemes　that　hovered　in　my　brain；in　spite　of　all

this；　I　had　a　childish　mistrust　of　myself。



〃An　overweening　ambition　preyed　upon　me；　I　believed　that　I　was　meant

for　great　things；　and　yet　I　felt　myself　to　be　nothing。　I　had　need　of

other　men；　and　I　was　friendless。　I　found　I　must　make　my　way　in　the

world；　where　I　was　quite　alone；　and　bashful；　rather　than　afraid。



〃All　through　the　year　in　which；　by　my　father's　wish；　I　threw　myself

into　the　whirlpool　of　fashionable　society；　I　came　away　with　an

inexperienced　heart；　and　fresh　in　mind。　Like　every　grown　child；　I

sighed　in　secret　for　a　love　affair。　I　met；　among　young　men　of　my　own

age；　a　set　of　swaggerers　who　held　their　heads　high；　and　talked　about

trifles　as　they　seated　themselves　without　a　tremor　beside　women　who

inspired　awe　in　me。　They　chattered　nonsense；　sucked　the　heads　of　their

canes；　gave　themselves　affected　airs；　appropriated　the　fairest　women；

and　laid；　or　pretended　that　they　had　laid　their　heads　on　every　pillow。

Pleasure；　seemingly；　was　at　their　beck　and　call；　they　looked　on　the

most　virtuous　and　prudish　as　an　easy　prey；　ready　to　surrender　at　a

word；　at　the　slightest　impudent　gesture　or　insolent　look。　I　declare；

on　my　soul　and　conscience；　that　the　attainment　of　power；　or　of　a　great

name　in　literature；　seemed　to　me　an　easier　victory　than　a　success　with

some　young；　witty；　and　gracious　lady　of　high　degree。



〃So　I　found　the　tumult　of　my　heart；　my　feelings；　and　my　creeds　all　at

variance　with　the　axioms　of　society。　I　had　plenty　of　audacity　in　my

character；　but　none　in　my　manner。　Later；　I　found　out　that　women　did

not　like　to　be　implored。　I　have　from　afar　adored　many　a　one　to　whom　I

devoted　a　soul　proof　against　all　tests；　a　heart　to　break；　energy　that

shrank　from　no　sacrifice　and　from　no　torture；　THEY　accepted　fools　whom

I　would　not　have　engaged　as　hall　porters。　How　often；　mute　and

motionless；　have　I　not　admired　the　lady　of　my　dreams；　swaying　in　the

dance；　given　up　my　life　in　thought　to　one　eternal　caress；　expressed

all　my　hopes　in　a　look；　and　laid　before　her；　in　my　rapture；　a　young

man's　love；　which　should　outstrip　all　fables。　At　some　moments　I　was

ready　to　barter　my　whole　life　for　one　single　night。　Well；　as　I　could

never　find　a　listener　for　my　impassioned　proposals；　eyes　to　rest　my

own　upon；　a　heart　made　for　my　heart；　I　lived　on　in　all　the　sufferings

of　impotent　force　that　consumes　itself；　lacking　either　opportunity　or

courage　or　experience。　I　despaired；　maybe；　of　making　myself

understood；　or　I　feared　to　be　understood　but　too　well；　and　yet　the

storm　within　me　was　ready　to　burst　at　every　c