the magic skin-第18章

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〃Ah；　if　you　but　knew　my　history！〃



〃Pooh；〃　said　Emile；　〃I　did　not　think　you　could　be　so　commonplace；　that

remark　is　hackneyed。　Don't　you　know　that　every　one　of　us　claims　to

have　suffered　as　no　other　ever　did？〃



〃Ah！〃　Raphael　sighed。



〃What　a　mountebank　art　thou　with　thy　'Ah'！　Look　here；　now。　Does　some

disease　of　the　mind　or　body；　by　contracting　your　muscles；　bring　back

of　a　morning　the　wild　horses　that　tear　you　in　pieces　at　night；　as　with

Damiens　once　upon　a　time？　Were　you　driven　to　sup　off　your　own　dog　in　a

garret；　uncooked　and　without　salt？　Have　your　children　ever　cried；　'I

am　hungry'？　Have　you　sold　your　mistress'　hair　to　hazard　the　money　at

play？　Have　you　ever　drawn　a　sham　bill　of　exchange　on　a　fictitious

uncle　at　a　sham　address；　and　feared　lest　you　should　not　be　in　time　to

take　it　up？　Come　now；　I　am　attending！　If　you　were　going　to　drown

yourself　for　some　woman；　or　by　way　of　a　protest；　or　out　of　sheer

dulness；　I　disown　you。　Make　your　confession；　and　no　lies！　I　don't　at

all　want　a　historical　memoir。　And；　above　all　things；　be　as　concise　as

your　clouded　intellect　permits；　I　am　as　critical　as　a　professor；　and

as　sleepy　as　a　woman　at　her　vespers。〃



〃You　silly　fool！〃　said　Raphael。　〃When　has　not　suffering　been　keener

for　a　more　susceptible　nature？　Some　day　when　science　has　attained　to　a

pitch　that　enables　us　to　study　the　natural　history　of　hearts；　when

they　are　named　and　classified　in　genera；　sub…genera；　and　families；

into　crustaceae；　fossils；　saurians；　infusoria；　or　whatever　it　is；

then；　my　dear　fellow；　it　will　be　ascertained　that　there　are　natures　as

tender　and　fragile　as　flowers；　that　are　broken　by　the　slight　bruises

that　some　stony　hearts　do　not　even　feel〃



〃For　pity's　sake；　spare　me　thy　exordium；〃　said　Emile；　as；　half

plaintive；　half　amused；　he　took　Raphael's　hand。







II



A　WOMAN　WITHOUT　A　HEART



After　a　moment's　silence；　Raphael　said　with　a　careless　gesture：



〃Perhaps　it　is　an　effect　of　the　fumes　of　punchI　really　cannot　tell

this　clearness　of　mind　that　enables　me　to　comprise　my　whole　life　in　a

single　picture；　where　figures　and　hues；　lights；　shades；　and　half…tones

are　faithfully　rendered。　I　should　not　have　been　so　surprised　at　this

poetical　play　of　imagination　if　it　were　not　accompanied　with　a　sort　of

scorn　for　my　past　joys　and　sorrows。　Seen　from　afar；　my　life　appears　to

contract　by　some　mental　process。　That　long；　slow　agony　of　ten　years'

duration　can　be　brought　to　memory　to…day　in　some　few　phrases；　in　which

pain　is　resolved　into　a　mere　idea；　and　pleasure　becomes　a

philosophical　reflection。　Instead　of　feeling　things；　I　weigh　and

consider　them〃



〃You　are　as　tiresome　as　the　explanation　of　an　amendment；〃　cried　Emile。



〃Very　likely；〃　said　Raphael　submissively。　〃I　spare　you　the　first

seventeen　years　of　my　life　for　fear　of　abusing　a　listener's　patience。

Till　that　time；　like　you　and　thousands　of　others；　I　had　lived　my　life

at　school　or　the　lycee；　with　its　imaginary　troubles　and　genuine

happinesses；　which　are　so　pleasant　to　look　back　upon。　Our　jaded

palates　still　crave　for　that　Lenten　fare；　so　long　as　we　have　not　tried

it　afresh。　It　was　a　pleasant　life；　with　the　tasks　that　we　thought　so

contemptible；　but　which　taught　us　application　for　all　that。　。　。　。〃



〃Let　the　drama　begin；〃　said　Emile；　half…plaintively；　half…comically。



〃When　I　left　school；〃　Raphael　went　on；　with　a　gesture　that　claimed　the

right　of　speaking；　〃my　father　submitted　me　to　a　strict　discipline；　he

installed　me　in　a　room　near　his　own　study；　and　I　had　to　rise　at　five

in　the　morning　and　be　in　bed　by　nine　at　night。　He　meant　me　to　take　my

law　studies　seriously。　I　attended　the　Schools；　and　read　with　an

advocate　as　well；　but　my　lectures　and　work　were　so　narrowly

circumscribed　by　the　laws　of　time　and　space；　and　my　father　required

such　a　strict　account　of　my　doings；　at　dinner；　that　。　。　。〃



〃What　is　this　to　me？〃　asked　Emile。



〃The　devil　take　you！〃　said　Raphael。　〃How　are　you　to　enter　into　my

feelings　if　I　do　not　relate　the　facts　that　insensibly　shaped　my

character；　made　me　timid；　and　prolonged　the　period　of　youthful

simplicity？　In　this　manner　I　cowered　under　as　strict　a　despotism　as　a

monarch's　till　I　came　of　age。　To　depict　the　tedium　of　my　life；　it　will

be　perhaps　enough　to　portray　my　father　to　you。　He　was　tall；　thin；　and

slight；　with　a　hatchet　face；　and　pale　complexion；　a　man　of　few　words；

fidgety　as　an　old　maid；　exacting　as　a　senior　clerk。　His　paternal

solicitude　hovered　over　my　merriment　and　gleeful　thoughts；　and　seemed

to　cover　them　with　a　leaden　pall。　Any　effusive　demonstration　on　my

part　was　received　by　him　as　a　childish　absurdity。　I　was　far　more

afraid　of　him　than　I　had　been　of　any　of　our　masters　at　school。



〃I　seem　to　see　him　before　me　at　this　moment。　In　his　chestnut…brown

frock…coat　he　looked　like　a　red　herring　wrapped　up　in　the　cover　of　a

pamphlet；　and　he　held　himself　as　erect　as　an　Easter　candle。　But　I　was

fond　of　my　father；　and　at　heart　he　was　right　enough。　Perhaps　we　never

hate　severity　when　it　has　its　source　in　greatness　of　character　and

pure　morals；　and　is　skilfully　tempered　with　kindness。　My　father；　it　is

true；　never　left　me　a　moment　to　myself；　and　only　when　I　was　twenty

years　old　gave　me　so　much　as　ten　francs　of　my　own；　ten　knavish

prodigals　of　francs；　such　a　hoard　as　I　had　long　vainly　desired；　which

set　me　a…dreaming　of　unutterable　felicity；　yet；　for　all　that　he　sought

to　procure　relaxations　for　me。　When　he　had　promised　me　a　treat

beforehand；　he　would　take　me　to　Les　Boufoons；　or　to　a　concert　or　ball；

where　I　hoped　to　find　a　mistress。　。　。　。　A　mistress！　that　meant

independence。　But　bashful　and　timid　as　I　was；　knowing　nobody；　and

ignorant　of　the　dialect　of　drawing…rooms；　I　always　came　back　as

awkward　as　ever；　and　swelling　with　unsatisfied　desires；　to　be　put　in

harness　like　a　troop　horse　next　day　by　my　father；　and　to　return　with

morning　to　my　advocate；　the　Palais　de　Justice；　and　the　law。　To　have

swerved　from　the　straight　course　which　my　father　had　mapped　out　for

me；　would　have　drawn　down　his　wrath　upon　me；　at　my　first　delinquency；

he　threatened　to　ship　me　off　as　a　cabin…boy　to　the　Antilles。　A

dreadful　shiver　ran　through　me　if　I　had　ventured　to　spend　a　couple　of

hours　in　some　pleasure　party。



〃Imagine　the　most　wandering　imagination　and　passionate　temperament；

the　tenderest　soul　and　most　artistic　nature；　dwelling　continually　in

the　presence　of　the　most　flint…hearted；　atrabilious；　and　frigid　man　on

earth；　think　of　me　as　a　young　girl　married　to　a　skeleton；　and　you　will

understand　the　life　whose　curious　scenes　can　only　be　a　hearsay　tale　to

you；　the　plans　for　running　away　that　perished　at　the　sight　of　my

father；　the　despair　soothed　by　slumber；　the　dark　broodings　charmed

away　by　music。　I　breathed　my　sorrows　forth　in　melodies。　Beethoven　or

Mozart　would　keep　my　confidences　sacred。　Nowadays；　I　smile　at

recollections　of　the　scruples　which　burdened　my　conscience　at　that

epoch　of　innocence　and　virtue。



〃If　I　set　foot　in　a　restaurant；　I　gave　myself　up　for　lost；　my　fancy

led　me　to　look　on　a　cafe　as　a　disreputable　haunt；　where　men　lost　their

characters　and　embarrassed　their　fortunes；　as　for　engaging　in　play；　I

had　not　the　money　to　risk。　Oh；　if　I　needed　to　send　you　to　sleep；　I

would　tell　you　about　one　of　the　most　frightful　pleasures　of　my　life；

one　of　those　pleasures　with　fangs　that　bury　themselves　in　the　heart　as

the　branding…iron　enters　the　convict's　shoulder。　I　was　at　a　ball　at

the　house　of　the　Duc　de　Navarreins；　my　father's　cousin。　But　to　make　my

position　the　more　perfectly　clear；　you　must　know　that　I　wore　a

threadbare　coat；　ill…fitting　shoes；　a　tie　fit　for　a　stableman；　and　a

soiled　pair　of　gloves。　I　shrank　into　a　corner　to　eat　ices　and　watch

the　pretty　faces　at　my　leisure。　My　father　noticed　me。　Actuated　by　some

motive　that　I　did　not　fathom；　so　dumfounded　was　I　by　this　act　of

confidence；　he　handed　me　his　keys　and　purse　to　keep。　Ten　paces　away

some　men　were　gamblin