4 breaking dawn破晓-第18章
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〃Stop what？〃
〃Stop acting like I'm not a monster for having agreed to this。〃
〃Edward！'7I whispered； really upset now。 He was pulling my bright memory through the darkness；
staining it。 〃Don't ever say that。〃
He didn't open his eyes； it was like he didn't want to see me。
〃Look at yourself； Bella。 Then tell me I'm not a monster。〃
Wounded； shocked； I followed his instruction unthinkingly and then gasped。
What had happened to me？ I couldn't make sense of the fluffy white snow that clung to my skin。 I shook
my head； and a cascade of white drifted out of my hair。
I pinched one soft white bit between my fingers。 It was a piece of down。
〃Why am I covered in feathers？〃 I asked； confused。
He exhaled impatiently。 〃I bit a pillow。 Or two。 That's not what I'm talking about。〃
〃You。。。 bit a pillow？ Why？〃
〃Look； Bella！〃 he almost growled。 He took my hand—very gingerly—and stretched my arm out。 〃Look
at that〃
This time； I saw what he meant。
Under the dusting of feathers； large purplish bruises were beginning to blossom across the pale skin of
my arm。 My eyes followed the trail they made up to my shoulder； and then down across my ribs。 I pulled
my hand free to poke at a discoloration on my left forearm； watching it fade where I touched and then
reappear。 It throbbed a little。
So lightly that he was barely touching me； Edward placed his hand against the bruises on my arm； one at
a time； matching his long fingers to the patterns。
〃Oh；〃 I said。
I tried to remember this—to remember pain—but I couldn't。 I couldn't recall a moment when his hold
had been too tight； his hands too hard against me。 I only remembered wanting him to hold me tighter； and
being pleased when he did。。。。
〃I'm。。。 so sorry； Bella；〃 he whispered while I stared at the bruises。 〃I knew better than this。 I should not
have—〃 He made a low； revolted sound in the back of his throat。 〃I am more sorry than I can tell you。〃
He threw his arm over his face and became perfectly still。
I sat for one long moment in total astonishment； trying to come to terms—now that I understood it—with
his misery。 It was so contrary to the way that I felt that it was difficult to process。
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Theshock wore off slowly； leaving nothing in its absence。 Emptiness。 My mind was blank。 I couldn't
think of what to say。 How could I explain it to him in the right way？ How could I make him as happy as I
was—or as I had been； a moment ago？
I touched his arm； and he didn't respond。 I wrapped my fingers around his wrist and tried to pry his arm
off his face； but I could have been yanking on a sculpture for all the good it did me。
〃Edward。〃
He didn't move。
〃Edward？〃
Nothing。 So； this would be a monologue； then。
〃I'mnot sorry； Edward。 I'm。。。 I can't even tell you。 I'm so happy。 That doesn't cover it。 Don't be angry。
Don't。 I'm really f—〃
〃Do not say the word fine。〃 His voice was ice cold。 〃If you value my sanity； do not say that you are fine。〃
〃But I am： I whispered。
〃Bella；〃 he almost moaned。 〃Don't。〃
〃No。 You don't； Edward。〃
He moved his arm； his gold eyes watched me warily。
〃Don't ruin this；〃 I told him。 〃I。 Am。 Happy。〃
〃I've already ruined this；〃 he whispered。
〃Cut it out；〃 I snapped。
I heard his teeth grind together。
〃Ugh！〃 I groaned。 〃Why can't you just read my mind already？ It's so inconvenient to be a mental mute！〃
His eyes widened a little bit； distracted in spite of himself。
〃That's a new one。 You love that I can't read your mind。〃
〃Not today。〃
He stared at me。 〃Why？〃
I threw my hands up in frustration； feeling an ache in my shoulder that I ignored。 My palms fell back
against his chest with a sharp smack。 〃Because all this angst would be completely unnecessary if you
could see how I feel right now！ Or five minutes ago； anyway。 I was perfectly happy。 Totally and
completely blissed out。 Now—well； I'm sort of pissed； actually。〃
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〃You should be angry at me。〃
〃Well； I am。 Does that make you feel better？〃
He sighed。 〃No。 I don't think anything could make me feel better now。〃
〃T/？af；〃 I snapped。 〃That right there is why I'm angry。 You are killing my buzz； Edward。〃
He rolled his eyes and shook his head。
I took a deep breath。 I was feeling more of the soreness now； but it wasn't that bad。 Sort of like the day
after lifting weights。 I'd done that with Renee during one of her fitness obsessions。 Sixty…five lunges with
ten pounds in each hand。 I couldn't walk the next day。 This was not as painful as that had been by half。
I swallowed my irritation and tried to make my voice soothing。 〃We knew this was going to be tricky。 I
thought that was assumed。 And then—well； it was a lot easier than I thought it would be。 And this is
really nothing。〃 I brushed my fingers along my arm。 〃I think for a first time； not knowing what to expect；
we did amazing。 With a little practice—〃
His expression was suddenly so livid that I broke off mid…sentence。
〃Assumed？ Did you expect this； Bella？ Were you anticipating that I would hurt you？ Were you thinking
it would be worse？ Do you consider the experiment a success because you can walk away from it？ No
broken bones—that
equals a victory？〃
I waited； letting him get it all out。 Then I waited some more while his breathing went back to normal。
When his eyes were calm； I answered； speaking with slow precision。
〃I didn't know what to expect—but I definitely did not expect how。。。 how。。。 just wonderful and perfect it
was。〃 My voice dropped to a whisper； my eyes slipped from his face down to my hands。 〃I mean； I don't
know how it was for you； but it was like that for me。〃
A cool finger pulled my chin back up。
〃Is that what you're worried about？〃 he said through his teeth。 〃That I didn't enjoy myself？〃
My eyes stayed down。 〃I know it's not the same。 You're not human。 I just was trying to explain that； for
a human； well； I can't imagine that life gets any better than that。〃
He was quiet for so long that； finally； I had to look up。 His face was softer now； thoughtful。
〃It seems that I have more to apologize for。〃 He frowned。 〃I didn't dream that you would construe the
way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night wasn't。。。 well； the best night of my existence。
But I don't want to think of it that way； not when you were 。。。〃
My lips curved up a little at the edges。 〃Really？ The best ever？〃 I asked in a small voice。
He took my face between his hands； still introspective。 〃I spoke to Carlisle after you and I made our
bargain； hoping he could help me。 Of course he warned me that this would be very dangerous for you。〃
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A shadow crossed his expression。 〃He had faith in me； though—faith I didn't deserve。〃
I started to protest； and he put two fingers over my lips before I could comment。
〃I also asked him what / should expect。 I didn't know what it would be for me。。。 what with my being a
vampire。〃 He smiled halfheartedly。 〃Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing； like nothing else。 He
told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly。 With our rarely changing temperaments；
strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways。 But he said I did not need to worry about that part
—you had already altered me so completely。〃 This time his smile was more genuine。
〃I spoke to my brothers； too。 They told me it was a very great pleasure。 Second only to drinking human
blood。〃
