father and son-第7章
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thought of it。 I had other things to think of。
In the first place； the theory that my Father was omniscient or infallible was now dead and buried。 He probably knew very little； in this case he had not known a fact of such importance that if you did not know that； it could hardly matter what you knew。 My Father； as a deity； as a natural force of immense prestige； fell in my eyes to a human level。 In future； his statements about things in general need not be accepted implicitly。 But of all the thoughts which rushed upon my savage and undeveloped little brain at this crisis； the most curious was that I had found a companion and a confidant in myself。 There was a secret in this world and it belonged to me and to a somebody who lived in the same body with me。 There were two of us； and we could talk with one another。 It is difficult to define impressions so rudimentary； but it is certain that it was in this dual form that the sense of my individuality now suddenly descended upon me； and it is equally certain that it was a great solace to me to find a sympathizer in my own breast。
About this time； my Mother； carried away by the current of her literary and her philanthropic work； left me more and more to my own devices。 She was seized with a great enthusiasm； as one of her admirers and disciples has written； 'she went on her way； sowing beside all waters'。 I would not for a moment let it be supposed that I regard her as a Mrs。 Jellyby； or that I think she neglected me。 But a remarkable work had opened up before her； after her long years in a mental hermitage； she was drawn forth into the clamorous harvest…field of souls。 She developed an unexpected gift of persuasion over strangers whom she met in the omnibus or in the train； and with whom she courageously grappled。 This began by her noting； with deep humility and joy； that 'I have reason to judge the sound conversion to God of three young persons within a few weeks； by the instrumentality of my conversations with them'。 At the same time； as another of her biographers has said； 'those testimonies to the Blood of Christ； the fruits of her pen； began to be spread very widely； even to the most distant parts of the globe'。 My Father； too； was at this time at the height of his activity。 After breakfast； each of them was amply occupied； perhaps until night…fall； our evenings we still always spent together。 Sometimes my Mother took me with her on her 'unknown day's employ'； I recollect pleasant rambles through the City by her side； and the act of looking up at her figure soaring above me。 But when all was done； I had hours and hours of complete solitude； in my Father's study； in the back… garden； above all in the garret。
The garret was a fairy place。 It was a low lean…to； lighted from the roof。 It was wholly unfurnished； except for two objects； an ancient hat…box and a still more ancient skin…trunk。 The hat…box puzzled me extremely； till one day； asking my Father what it was； I got a distracted answer which led me to believe that it was itself a sort of hat； and I made a laborious but repeated effort to wear it。 The skin…trunk was absolutely empty； but the inside of the lid of it was lined with sheets of what I now know to have been a sensational novel。 It was； of course； a fragment； but I read it； kneeling on the bare floor； with indescribable rapture。 It will be recollected that the idea of fiction； of a deliberately invented story； had been kept from me with entire success。 I therefore implicitly believed the tale in the lid of the trunk to be a true account of the sorrows of a lady of title； who had to flee the country； and who was pursued into foreign lands by enemies bent upon her ruin。 Somebody had an interview with a 'minion' in a 'mask'； I went downstairs and looked up these words in Bailey's English Dictionary； but was left in darkness as to what they had to do with the lady of title。 This ridiculous fragment filled me with delicious fears； I fancied that my Mother； who was out so much； might be threatened by dangers of the same sort； and the fact that the narrative came abruptly to an end； in the middle of one of its most thrilling sentences； wound me up almost to a disorder of wonder and romance。
The preoccupation of my parents threw me more and more upon my own resources。 But what are the resources of a solitary child of six？ I was never inclined to make friends with servants； nor did our successive maids proffer； so far as I recollect； any advances。 Perhaps； with my 'dedication' and my grown…up ways of talking； I did not seem to them at all an attractive little boy。 I continued to have no companions； or even acquaintances of my own age。 I am unable to recollect exchanging two words with another child till after my Mother's death。
The abundant energy which my Mother now threw into her public work did not affect the quietude of our private life。 We had some visitors in the daytime； people who came to consult one parent or the other。 But they never stayed to a meal； and we never returned their visits。 I do not quite know how it was that neither of my parents took me to any of the sights of London； although I am sure it was a question of principle with them。 Notwithstanding all our study of natural history； I was never introduced to live wild beasts at the Zoo； nor to dead ones at the British Museum。 I can understand better why we never visited a picture…gallery or a concert…room。 So far as I can recollect； the only time I was ever taken to any place of entertainment was when my Father and I paid a visit； long anticipated； to the Great Globe in Leicester Square。 This was a huge structure； the interior of which one ascended by means of a spiral staircase。 It was a poor affair； that was concave in it which should have been convex； and my imagination was deeply affronted。 I could invent a far better Great Globe than that in my mind's eye in the garret。
Being so restricted； then； and yet so active； my mind took refuge in an infantile species of natural magic。 This contended with the definite ideas of religion which my parents were continuing； with too mechanical a persistency； to force into my nature； and it ran parallel with them。 I formed strange superstitions； which I can only render intelligible by naming some concrete examples。 I persuaded myself that； if I could only discover the proper words to say or the proper passes to make； I could induce the gorgeous birds and butterflies in my Father's illustrated manuals to come to life； and fly out of the book； leaving holes behind them。 I believed that； when； at the Chapel； we sang； drearily and slowly； loud hymns of experience and humiliation； I could boom forth with a sound equal to that of dozens of singers； if I could only hit upon the formula。 During morning and evening prayers； which were extremely lengthy and fatiguing； I fancied that one of my two selves could flit up； and sit clinging to the cornice； and look down on my other self and the rest of us； if I could only find the key。 I laboured for hours in search of these formulas； thinking to compass my ends by means absolutely irrational。 For example； I was convinced that if I could only count consecutive numbers long enough； without losing one； I should suddenly； on reaching some far…distant figure； find myself in possession of the great secret。 I feel quite sure that nothing external suggested these ideas of magic； and I think it probable that they approached the ideas of savages at a very early stage of development。
All this ferment of mind was entirely unobserved by my parents。 But when I formed the belief that it was necessary； for the success of my practical magic； that I should hurt myself； and when； as a matter of fact； I began； in extreme secrecy； to run pins into my flesh and bang my joints with books； no one will be surprised to hear that my Mother's attention was drawn to the fact that I was looking 'delicate'。 The notice nowadays universally given to the hygienic rules of life was rare fifty years ago and among deeply religious people； in particular； fatalistic views of disease prevailed。 If anyone was ill； it showed that 'the Lord's hand was extended in chastisement'； and much prayer was poured forth in order that it might be explained to the sufferer
