father and son-第54章
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immaturity； and his one and only anxiety was to be at the end of his spiritual journey； safe with me in the house where there are many mansions。 The incidents of human life upon the road to glory were less than nothing to him。
My Father was very fond of defining what was his own attitude at this time； and he was never tired of urging the same ambition upon me。 He regarded himself as the faithful steward of a Master who might return at any moment； and who would require to find everything ready for his convenience。 That master was God； with whom my Father seriously believed himself to be in relations much more confidential than those vouchsafed to ordinary pious persons。 He awaited； with anxious hope； 'the coming of the Lord'； an event which he still frequently believed to be imminent。 He would calculate； by reference to prophecies in the Old and New Testament； the exact date of this event； the date would pass； without the expected Advent； and he would be more than disappointed；he would be incensed。 Then he would understand that he must have made some slight error in calculation； and the pleasures of anticipation would recommence。
Me in all this he used as a kind of inferior coadjutor； much as a responsible and upper servant might use a footboy。 I； also； must be watching； it was not important that I should be seriously engaged in any affairs of my own。 I must be ready for the Master's coming； and my Father's incessant cross…examination was made in the spirit of a responsible servant who fidgets lest some humble but essential piece of household work has been neglected。
My holidays； however； and all my personal relations with my Father were poisoned by this insistency。 I was never at my ease in his company； I never knew when I might not be subjected to a series of searching questions which I should not be allowed to evade。 Meanwhile； on every other stage of experience I was gaining the reliance upon self and the respect for the opinion of others which come naturally to a young man of sober habits who earns his own living and lives his own life。 For this kind of independence my Father had no respect or consideration； when questions of religion were introduced； although he handsomely conceded it on other points。 And now first there occurred to me the reflection； which in years to come I was to repeat over and over； with an ever sadder emphasis；what a charming companion； what a delightful parent； what a courteous and engaging friend my Father would have been； and would pre…eminently have been to me； if it had not been for this stringent piety which ruined it all。
Let me speak plainly。 After my long experience； after my patience and forbearance； I have surely the right to protest against the untruth （would that I could apply to it any other word！） that evangelical religion； or any religion in a violent form； is a wholesome or valuable or desirable adjunct to human life。 It divides heart from heart。 It sets up a vain； chimerical ideal； in the barren pursuit of which all the tender； indulgent affections； all the genial play of life； all the exquisite pleasures and soft resignations of the body； all that enlarges and calms the soul are exchanged for what is harsh and void and negative。 It encourages a stern and ignorant spirit of condemnation； it throws altogether out of gear the healthy movement of the conscience； it invents virtues which are sterile and cruel； it invents sins which are no sins at all； but which darken the heaven of innocent joy with futile clouds of remorse。 There is something horrible； if we will bring ourselves to face it； in the fanaticism that can do nothing with this pathetic and fugitive existence of ours but treat it as if it were the uncomfortable ante…chamber to a palace which no one has explored and of the plan of which we know absolutely nothing。 My Father； it is true； believed that he was intimately acquainted with the form and furniture of this habitation； and he wished me to think of nothing else but of the advantages of an eternal residence in it。
Then came a moment when my self…sufficiency revolted against the police…inspection to which my 'views' were incessantly subjected。 There was a morning； in the hot…house at home； among the gorgeous waxen orchids which reminded my Father of the tropics in his youth； when my forbearance or my timidity gave way。 The enervated air； soaked with the intoxicating perfumes of all those voluptuous flowers； may have been partly responsible for my outburst。 My Father had once more put to me the customary interrogatory。 Was I 'walking closely with God'？ Was my sense of the efficacy of the Atonement clear and sound？ Had the Holy Scriptures still their full authority with me？ My replies on this occasion were violent and hysterical。 I have no clear recollection what it was that I said；I desire not to recall the whimpering sentences in which I begged to be let alone； in which I demanded the right to think for myself； in which I repudiated the idea that my Father was responsible to God for my secret thoughts and my most intimate convictions。
He made no answer； I broke from the odorous furnace of the conservatory； and buried my face in the cold grass upon the lawn。 My visit to Devonshire； already near its close； was hurried to an end。 I had scarcely arrived in London before the following letter； furiously despatched in the track of the fugitive； buried itself like an arrow in my heart：
When your sainted Mother died； she not only tenderly committed you to God； but left you also as a solemn charge to me； to bring you up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord。 That responsibility I have sought constantly to keep before me： I can truly aver that it has been ever before mein my choice of a housekeeper； in my choice of a school； in my ordering of your holidays； in my choice of a second wife； in my choice of an occupation for you； in my choice of a residence for you； and in multitudes of lesser thingsI have sought to act for you； not in the light of this present world； but with a view to Eternity。
Before your childhood was past； there seemed God's manifest blessing on our care； for you seemed truly converted to Him； you confessed； in solemn baptism； that you had died and had been raised with Christ； and you were received with joy into the bosom of the Church of God； as one alive from the dead。
All this filled my heart with thankfulness and joy； whenever I thought of you：how could it do otherwise？ And when I left you in London； on that dreary winter evening； my heart； full of sorrowing love； found its refuge and its resource in this thought；that you 'were one of the lambs of Christ's flock； sealed with the Holy Spirit as His； renewed in heart to holiness； in the image of God。
For a while； all appeared to go on fairly well： we yearned； indeed； to discover more of heart in your allusions to religious matters； but your expressions towards us were filial and affectionate； your conduct； so far as we could see； was moral and becoming； you mingled with the people of God； spoke of occasional delight and profit in His ordinances； and employed your talents in service to Him。
But of late； and specially during the past year； there has become manifest a rapid progress towards evil。 （I must beg you here to pause； and again to look to God for grace to weigh what I am about to say； or else wrath will rise。）
When you came to us in the summer； the heavy blow fell full upon me； and I discovered how very far you had departed from God。 It was not that you had yielded to the strong tide of youthful blood； and had fallen a victim to fleshly lusts； in that case； however sad； your enlightened conscience would have spoken loudly； and you would have found your way back to the blood which cleanseth us from all sin； to humble confession and self… abasement； to forgiveness and to recommunion with God。 It was not this； it was worse。 It was that horrid； insidious infidelity； which had already worked in your mind and heart with terrible energy。 Far worse； I say； because this was sapping the very foundations of faith； on which all true godliness； all real religion； must rest。
Nothing seemed left to which I could appeal。 We had； I found； no common ground。 The Holy Scriptures had no longe
