father and son-第50章
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a group of disciples peculiarly illuminated； and to have no message whatever for the wider Christian community。
On this subject I had some instructive conversations with my Father； whom I found not reluctant to have his convictions pushed to their logical extremity。 He did not wish to judge； he protested； but he could not admit that a single Unitarian （or 'Socinian'； as he preferred to say） could possibly be redeemed； and he had no hope of eternal salvation for the inhabitants of Catholic countries。 I recollect his speaking of Austria。 He questioned whether a single Austrian subject； except； as he said； here and there a pious and extremely ignorant individual； who had not comprehended the errors of the Papacy； but had humbly studied his Bible； could hope to find eternal life。 He thought that the ordinary Chinaman or savage native of Fiji had a better chance of salvation than any cardinal in the Vatican。 And even in the priesthood of the Church of England he believed that while many were called； few indeed would be found to have been chosen。
I could not sympathize； even in my then state of ignorance； with so rigid a conception of the Divine mercy。 Little inclined as I was to be sceptical； I still thought it impossible； that a secret of such stupendous importance should have been entrusted to a little group of Plymouth Brethren； and have been hidden from millions of disinterested and pious theologians。 That the leaders of European Christianity were sincere； my Father did not attempt to question。 But they were all of them wrong； incorrect； and no matter how holy their lives； how selfsacrificing their actions； they would have to suffer for their inexactitude through aeons of undefined torment。 He would speak with a solemn complacency of the aged nun； who； after a long life of renunciation and devotion； died at last； 'only to discover her mistake'。
He who was so tender…hearted that he could not bear to witness the pain or distress of any person； however disagreeable or undeserving； was quite acquiescent in believing that God would punish human beings； in millions； for ever； for a purely intellectual error of comprehension。 My Father's inconsistencies of perception seem to me to have been the result of a curious irregularity of equipment。 Taking for granted； as he did； the absolute integrity of the Scriptures； and applying to them his trained scientific spirit； he contrived to stifle； with a deplorable success； alike the function of the imagination； the sense of moral justice； and his own deep and instinctive tenderness of heart。
There presently came over me a strong desire to know what doctrine indeed it was that the other Churches taught。 I expressed a wish to be made aware of the practices of Rome； or at least of Canterbury； and I longed to attend the Anglican and the Roman services。 But to do so was impossible。 My Father did not； indeed； forbid me to enter the fine parish church of our village； or the stately Puginesque cathedral which Rome had just erected at its side； but I knew that I could not be seen at either service without his immediately knowing it； or without his being deeply wounded。 Although I was sixteen years of age； and although I was treated with indulgence and affection； I was still but a bird fluttering in the net…work of my Father's will； and incapable of the smallest independent action。 I resigned all thought of attending any other services than those at our 'Room'； but I did no longer regard this exclusion as a final one。 I bowed； but it was in the house of Rimmon； from which I now knew that I must inevitably escape。 All the liberation； however； which I desired or dreamed of was only just so much as would bring me into communion with the outer world of Christianity without divesting me of the pure and simple principles of faith。
Of so much emancipation； indeed； I now became ardently desirous； and in the contemplation of it I rose to a more considerable degree of religious fervour than I had ever reached before or was ever to experience later。 Our thoughts were at this time abundantly exercised with the expectation of the immediate coming of the Lord； who； as my Father and those who thought with him believed； would suddenly appear； without the least warning； and would catch up to be with Him in everlasting glory all whom acceptance of the Atonement had sealed for immortality。 These were； on the whole； not numerous； and our belief was that the world； after a few days' amazement at the total disappearance of these persons； would revert to its customary habits of life； merely sinking more rapidly into a moral corruption due to the removal of these souls of salt。 This event an examination of prophecy had led my Father to regard as absolutely imminent； and sometimes； when we parted for the night； he would say with a sparkling rapture in his eyes； 'Who knows？ We may meet next in the air； with all the cohorts of God's saints！'
This conviction I shared； without a doubt； and； indeed；in perfect innocency； I hope； but perhaps with a touch of slyness too；I proposed at the end of the summer holidays that I should stay at home。 'What is the use of my going to school？ Let me be with you when we rise to meet the Lord in the air！' To this my Father sharply and firmly replied that it was our duty to carry on our usual avocations to the last； for we knew not the moment of His coming； and we should be together in an instant on that day； how far soever we might be parted upon earth。 I was ashamed； but his argument was logical； and； as it proved； judicious。 My Father lived for nearly a quarter of a century more； never losing the hope of 'not tasting death'； and as the last moments of mortality approached； he was bitterly disappointed at what he held to be a scanty reward of his long faith and patience。 But if my own life's work had been； as I proposed； shelved in expectation of the Lord's imminent advent； I should have cumbered the ground until this day。
To school； therefore； I returned with a brain full of strange discords； in a huddled mixture of' Endymion' and the Book of Revelation； John Wesley's hymns and 'Midsummer Night's Dream'。 Few boys of my age； I suppose； carried about with them such a confused throng of immature impressions and contradictory hopes。 I was at one moment devoutly pious； at the next haunted by visions of material beauty and longing for sensuous impressions。 In my hot and silly brain； Jesus and Pan held sway together； as in a wayside chapel discordantly and impishly consecrated to Pagan and to Christian rites。 But for the present； as in the great chorus which so marvellously portrays our double nature； 'the folding…star of Bethlehem' was still dominant。 I became more and more pietistic。 Beginning now to versify； I wrote a tragedy in pale imitation of Shakespeare； but on a Biblical and evangelistic subject； and odes that were parodies of those in 'Prometheus Unbound'； but dealt with the approaching advent of our Lord and the rapture of His saints。 My unwholesome excitement； bubbling up in this violent way； reached at last a climax and foamed over。
It was a summer afternoon； and； being now left very free in my movements； I had escaped from going out with the rest of my school…fellows in their formal walk in charge of an usher。 I had been reading a good deal of poetry； but my heart had translated Apollo and Bacchus into terms of exalted Christian faith。 I was alone； and I lay on a sofa； drawn across a large open window at the top of the school…house； in a room which was used as a study by the boys who were 'going up for examination'。 I gazed down on a labyrinth of garden sloping to the sea； which twinkled faintly beyond the towers of the town。 Each of these gardens held a villa in it； but all the near landscape below me was drowned in foliage。 A wonderful warm light of approaching sunset modelled the shadows and set the broad summits of the trees in a rich glow。 There was an absolute silence below and around me； a magic of suspense seemed to keep every topmost twig from waving。
Over my soul there swept an immense wave of emotion。 Now； surely； now the great final change must be approaching。 I gazed up into the tenderly…coloured sky； and I broke irresistibly into speech。 'Come now； Lord Jesu
