father and son-第34章
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； and the day ended by our trapesing through the wet to another prayer…meeting； whence I returned in a state bordering on collapse and was put to bed without further nourishment。 There was no great hardship in all this； I daresay； but it was certainly rigorous。 My Father took pains to see that what he had said about the bread and water of affliction was carried out in the bosom of his own family； and by no one more unflinchingly than by himself。
My attitude to other people's souls when I was out of my Father's sight was now a constant anxiety to me。 In our tattling world of small things he had extraordinary opportunities of learning how I behaved when I was away from home； I did not realize this； and I used to think his acquaintance with my deeds and words savoured almost of wizardry。 He was accustomed to urge upon me the necessity of 'speaking for Jesus in season and out of season'； and he so worked upon my feelings that I would start forth like St。 Teresa； wild for the Moors and martyrdom。 But any actual impact with persons marvelously cooled my zeal； and I should hardly ever have 'spoken' at all if it had not been for that unfortunate phrase 'out of season'。 It really seemed that one must talk of nothing else； since if an occasion was not in season it was out of season； there was no alternative； no close time for souls。
My Father was very generous。 He used to magnify any little effort that I made； with stammering tongue； to sanctify a visit； and people； I now see； were accustomed to give me a friendly lead in this direction； so that they might please him by reporting that I had 'testified' in the Lord's service。 The whole thing； however； was artificial； and was part of my Father's restless inability to let well alone。 It was not in harshness or in illnature that he worried me so much； on the contrary； it was all part of his too… anxious love。 He was in a hurry to see me become a shining light； everything that he had himself desired to be； yet with none of his shortcomings。
It was about this time that he harrowed my whole soul into painful agitation by a phrase that he let fall； without； I believe； attaching any particular importance to it at the time。 He was occupied； as he so often was； in polishing and burnishing my faith； and he was led to speak of the day when I should ascend the pulpit to preach my first sermon。 'Oh！ if I may be there； out of sight； and hear the gospel message proclaimed from your lips； then I shall say； 〃My poor work is done。 Oh！ Lord Jesus； receive my spirit〃。' I cannot express the dismay which this aspiration gave me； the horror with which I anticipated such a nunc dimittis。 I felt like a small and solitary bird； caught and hung out hopelessly and endlessly in a great glittering cage。 The clearness of the personal image affected me as all the texts and prayers and predictions had failed to do。 I saw myself imprisoned for ever in the religious system which had caught me and would whirl my helpless spirit as in the concentric wheels of my nightly vision。 I did not struggle against it； because I believed that it was inevitable； and that there was no other way of making peace with the terrible and ever…watchful 'God who is a jealous God'。 But I looked forward to my fate without zeal and without exhilaration； and the fear of the Lord altogether swallowed up and cancelled any notion of the love of Him。
I should do myself an injustice； however； if I described my attitude to faith at this time as wanting in candour。 I did very earnestly desire to follow where my Father led。 That passion for imitation； which I have already discussed； was strongly developed at this time； and it induced me to repeat the language of pious books in godly ejaculations which greatly edified my grown…up companions； and were； so far as I can judge； perfectly sincere。 I wished extremely to be good and holy； and I had no doubt in my mind of the absolute infallibility of my Father as a guide in heavenly things。 But I am perfectly sure that there never was a moment in which my heart truly responded； with native ardour； to the words which flowed so readily； in such a stream of unction； from my anointed lips。 I cannot recall anything but an intellectual surrender； there was never joy in the act of resignation； never the mystic's rapture at feeling his phantom self； his own threadbare soul； suffused； thrilled through； robed again in glory by a fire which burns up everything personal and individual about him。
Through thick and thin I clung to a hard nut of individuality； deep down in my childish nature。 To the pressure from without I resigned everything else； my thoughts； my words； my anticipations； my assurances； but there was something which I never resigned； my innate and persistent self。 Meek as I seemed； and gently respondent； I was always conscious of that innermost quality which I had learned to recognize in my earlier days in Islington； that existence of two in the depths who could speak to one another in inviolable secrecy。
This a natural man may discourse of； and that very knowingly； and give a kind of natural credit to it； as to a history that may be true； but firmly to believe that there is divine truth in all these things； and to have a persuasion of it stronger than of the very thing we see with our eyes； such an assent as this is the peculiar work of the Spirit of God； and is certainly saving faith。
This passage is not to be found in the writings of any extravagant Plymouth Brother； but in one of the most solid classics of the Church； in Archbishop Leighton's Commentary on the First Epistle of Peter。 I quote it because it defines； more exactly than words of my own could hope to do； the difference which already existed； and in secrecy began forthwith to be more and more acutely accentuated between my Father and myself。 He did indeed possess this saving faith； which could move mountains of evidence； and suffer no diminution under the action of failure or disappointment。 I； on the other handas I began to feel dimly then； and see luminously nowhad only acquired the habit of giving what the Archbishop means by 'a kind of natural credit' to the doctrine so persistently impressed upon my conscience。 From its very nature this could not but be molten in the dews and exhaled in the sunshine of life and thought and experience。
My Father； by an indulgent act for the caprice of which I cannot wholly account； presently let in a flood of imaginative light which was certainly hostile to my heavenly calling。 My instinctive interest in geography has already been mentioned。 This was the one branch of knowledge in which I needed no instruction； geographical information seeming to soak into the cells of my brain without an effort。 At the age of eleven； I knew a great deal more of maps； and of the mutual relation of localities all over the globe； than most grown…up people do。 It was almost a mechanical acquirement。 I was now greatly taken with the geography of the West Indies； of every part of which I had made MS。 maps。 There was something powerfully attractive to my fancy in the great chain of the Antilles； lying on the sea like an open bracelet； with its big jewels and little jewels strung on an invisible thread。 I liked to shut my eyes and see it all； in a mental panorama； stretched from Cape Sant' Antonio to the Serpent's Mouth。 Several of these lovely islands； these emeralds and amethysts set on the Caribbean Sea； my Father had known well in his youth； and I was importunate in questioning him about them。 One day； as I multiplied inquiries； he rose in his impetuous way； and climbing to the top of a bookcase； brought down a thick volume and presented it to me。 'You'll find all about the Antilles there；' he said； and left me with Tom Cringle's Log in my possession。
The embargo laid upon every species of fiction by my Mother's powerful scruple had never been raised； although she had been dead four years。 As I have said in an earlier chapter； this was a point on which I believe that my Father had never entirely agreed with her。 He had； however； yielded to her prejudice； and no work of romance； no fictitious story； had ever come in my way。 It is remarkable that among our books； which amounted to many hundreds； I had never discove
