father and son-第19章
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fate。 He had been the spoiled darling of the public； the constant favourite of the press； and now； like the dark angels of old；
so huge a rout Encumbered him with ruin。
He could not recover from amazement at having offended everybody by an enterprise which had been undertaken in the cause of universal reconciliation。
During that grim season； my Father was no lively companion； and circumstance after circumstance combined to drive him further from humanity。 He missed more than ever the sympathetic ear of my Mother； there was present to support him nothing of that artful； female casuistry which insinuates into the wounded consciousness of a man the conviction that； after all； he is right and all the rest of the world is wrong。 My Father used to tramp in solitude around and around the red ploughed field which was going to be his lawn； or sheltering himself from the thin Devonian rain； pace up and down the still…naked verandah where blossoming creepers were to be。 And I think that there was added to his chagrin with all his fellow mortals a first tincture of that heresy which was to attack him later on。 It was now that； I fancy； he began； in his depression； to be angry with God。 How much devotion had he given； how many sacrifices had he made； only to be left storming around this red morass with no one in all the world to care for him except one pale…faced child with its cheek pressed to the window！
After one or two brilliant excursions to the sea； winter； in its dampest； muddiest； most languid form； had fallen upon us and shut us in。 It was a dreary winter for the wifeless man and the motherless boy。 We had come into the house； in precipitate abandonment to that supposed answer to prayer； a great deal too soon。 In order to rake together the lump sum for buying it； my Father had denuded himself of almost everything； and our sticks of chairs and tables filled but two or three rooms。 Half the little house； or 'villa' as we called it； was not papered； two… thirds were not furnished。 The workmen were still finishing the outside when we arrived； and in that connection I recall a little incident which exhibits my Father's morbid delicacy of conscience。 He was accustomed in his brighter momentsand this was before the publication of his 'Omphalos'occasionally to sing loud Dorsetshire songs of his early days； in a strange； broad Wessex lingo that I loved。 One October afternoon he and I were sitting on the verandah； and my Father was singing； just around the corner； out of sight； two carpenters were putting up the framework of a greenhouse。 In a pause； one of them said to his fellow： 'He can zing a zong； zo well's another； though he be a minister。' My Father； who was holding my hand loosely； clutched it； and looking up； I saw his eyes darken。 He never sang a secular song again during the whole of his life。
Later in the year； and after his literary misfortune； his conscience became more troublesome than ever。 I think he considered the failure of his attempt at the reconciliation of science with religion to have been intended by God as a punishment for something he had done or left undone。 In those brooding tramps around and around the garden； his soul was on its knees searching the corners of his conscience for some sin of omission or commission； and one by one every pleasure； every recreation； every trifle scraped out of the dust of past experience； was magnified into a huge offence。 He thought that the smallest evidence of levity； the least unbending to human instinct； might be seized by those around him as evidence of inconsistency； and might lead the weaker brethren into offence。 The incident of the carpenters and the comic song is typical of a condition of mind which now possessed my Father； in which act after act became taboo； not because each was sinful in itself； but because it might lead others into sin。
I have the conviction that Miss Marks was now mightily afraid of my Father。 Whenever she could； she withdrew to the room she called her 'boudoir'； a small； chilly apartment； sparsely furnished； looking over what was in process of becoming the vegetable garden。 Very properly； that she might have some sanctuary； Miss Marks forbade me to enter this virginal bower； which； of course； became to me an object of harrowing curiosity。 Through the key…hole I could see practically nothing； one day I contrived to slip inside； and discovered that there was nothing to see but a plain bedstead and a toilet…table； void of all attraction。 In this 'boudoir'； on winter afternoons； a fire would be lighted； and Miss Marks would withdraw to it； not seen by us anymore between high…tea and the apocalyptic exercise known as 'worship' in less strenuous households much less austerely practised under the name of 'family prayers'。 Left meanwhile to our own devices； my Father would mainly be reading his book or paper held close up to the candle； while his lips and heavy eyebrows occasionally quivered and palpitated； with literary ardour； in a manner strangely exciting to me。 Miss Marks； in a very high cap； and her large teeth shining； would occasionally appear in the doorway； desiring； with spurious geniality； to know how we were 'getting on'。 But on these occasions neither of us replied to Miss Marks。
Sometimes in the course of this winter； my Father and I had long cosy talks together over the fire。 Our favourite subject was murders。 I wonder whether little boys of eight； soon to go upstairs alone at night； often discuss violent crime with a widower…papa？ The practice； I cannot help thinking； is unusual； it was； however； consecutive with us。 We tried other secular subjects； but we were sure to come around at last to 'what do you suppose they really did with the body？' I was told； a thrilled listener； the adventure of Mrs Manning； who killed a gentleman on the stairs and buried him in quick…lime in the back…kitchen； and it was at this time that I learned the useful historical fact； which abides with me after half a century； that Mrs。 Manning was hanged in black satin； which thereupon went wholly out of fashion in England。 I also heard about Burke and Hare； whose story nearly froze me into stone with horror。
These were crimes which appear in the chronicles。 But who will tell me what 'the Carpet…bag Mystery' was； which my Father and I discussed evening after evening？ I have never come across a whisper of it since； and I suspect it of having been a hoax。 As I recall the details； people in a boat； passing down the Thames； saw a carpet…bag hung high in air； on one of the projections of a pier of Waterloo Bridge。 Being with difficulty dragged downor perhaps upthis bag was found to be full of human remains； dreadful butcher's business of joints and fragments。 Persons were missed； were identified； were again deniedthe whole is a vapour in my memory which shifts as I try to define it。 But clear enough is the picture I hold of myself； in a high chair； on the left… hand side of the sitting…room fireplace； the leaping flames reflected in the glass…case of tropical insects on the opposite wall； and my Father； leaning anxiously forward； with uplifted finger； emphasizing to me the pros and cons of the horrible carpet…bag evidence。
I suppose that my interest in these discussionsand Heaven knows I was animated enoughamused and distracted my Father； whose idea of a suitable theme for childhood's ear now seems to me surprising。 I soon found that these subjects were not welcome to everybody； for； starting the Carpet…bag Mystery one morning with Miss Marks； in the hope of delaying my arithmetic lesson； she fairly threw her apron over her ears； and told me； from that vantage； that if I did not desist at once； she should scream。
Occasionally we took winter walks together； my Father and I； down some lane that led to a sight of the sea； or over the rolling downs。 We tried to recapture the charm of those delightful strolls in London； when we used to lean over the bridges and watch the ducks。 But we could not recover this pleasure。 My Father was deeply enwoven in the chain of his own thoughts； and would stalk on； without a word； buried in angry reverie。 If he spoke to me； on these excursions； it was a pain to me to answer him。 I could talk on easy terms with h
