father and son-第11章
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
and hearing my Mother； her eyes brimming with tears and her alabastrine fingers tightly locked together； murmur in unconscious repetition：
Nor wilt Thou relinquish at last A sinner so signally lov'd。
In our lodgings at Pimlico I came across a piece of verse which exercised a lasting influence on my taste。 It was called 'The Cameronian's Dream'； and it had been written by a certain James Hyslop； a schoolmaster on a man…of…war。 I do not know how it came into my possession； but I remember it was adorned by an extremely dim and ill…executed wood…cut of a lake surrounded by mountains； with tombstones in the foreground。 This lugubrious frontispiece positively fascinated me； and lent a further gloomy charm to the ballad itself。 It was in this copy of mediocre verses that the sense of romance first appealed to me； the kind of nature…romance which is connected with hills； and lakes； and the picturesque costumes of old times。 The following stanza； for instance； brought a revelation to me：
'Twas a dream of those ages of darkness and blood； When the minister's home was the mountain and wood； When in Wellwood's dark valley the standard of Zion； All bloody and torn； 'mong the heather was lying。
I persuaded my Mother to explain to me what it was all about； and she told me of the affliction of the Scottish saints； their flight to the waters and the wilderness； their cruel murder while they were singing 'their last song to the God of Salvation'。 I was greatly fired； and the following stanza； in particular； reached my ideal of the Sublime：
The muskets were flashing； the blue swords were gleaming； The helmets were cleft； and the red blood was streaming； The heavens grew dark； and the thunder was rolling； When in Wellwood's dark muirlands the mighty were falling。
Twenty years later I met with the only other person whom I have ever encountered who had even heard of 'The Cameronian's Dream'。 This was Robert Louis Stevenson； who had been greatly struck by it when he was about my age。 Probably the same ephemeral edition of it reached； at the same time； each of our pious households。
As my Mother's illness progressed； she could neither sleep； save by the use of opiates； nor rest； except in a sloping posture； propped up by many pillows。 It was my great joy； and a pleasant diversion； to be allowed to shift； beat up； and rearrange these pillows； a task which I learned to accomplish not too awkwardly。 Her sufferings； I believe； were principally caused by the violence of the medicaments to which her doctor； who was trying a new and fantastic 'cure'； thought it proper to subject her。 Let those who take a pessimistic view of our social progress ask themselves whether such tortures could today be inflicted on a delicate patient； or whether that patient would be allowed to exist； in the greatest misery in a lodging with no professional nurse to wait upon her； and with no companion but a little helpless boy of seven years of age。 Time passes smoothly and swiftly； and we do not perceive the mitigations which he brings in his hands。 Everywhere； in the whole system of human life； improvements； alleviations； ingenious appliances and humane inventions are being introduced to lessen the great burden of suffering。
If we were suddenly transplanted into the world of only fifty years ago； we should be startled and even horror…stricken by the wretchedness to which the step backwards would reintroduce us。 It was in the very year of which I am speaking； a year of which my personal memories are still vivid； that Sir James Simpson received the Monthyon prize as a recognition of his discovery of the use of anaesthetics。 Can our thoughts embrace the mitigation of human torment which the application of chloroform alone has caused？ My early experiences； I confess； made me singularly conscious； at an age when one should know nothing about these things； of that torrent of sorrow and anguish and terror which flows under all footsteps of man。 Within my childish conscience； already； some dim inquiry was awake as to the meaning of this mystery of pain
The floods of the tears meet and gather； The sound of them all grows like thunder； Oh into what bosom； I wonder； Is poured the whole sorrow of years？ For Eternity only seems keeping Account of the great human weeping； May God then； the Maker and Father； May He find a place for the tears！
In my Mother's case； the savage treatment did no good； it had to be abandoned； and a day or two before Christmas； while the fruits were piled in the shop…fronts and the butchers were shouting outside their forests of carcases； my Father brought us back in a cab through the streets to Islington； a feeble and languishing company。 Our invalid bore the journey fairly well； enjoying the air； and pointing out to me the glittering evidences of the season； but we paid heavily for her little entertainment； since； at her earnest wish the window of the cab having been kept open； she caught a cold； which became； indeed； the technical cause of a death that no applications could now have long delayed。
Yet she lingered with us six weeks more； and during this time I again relapsed； very naturally； into solitude。 She now had the care of a practised woman； one of the 'saints' from the Chapel； and I was only permitted to pay brief visits to her bedside。 That I might not be kept indoors all day and everyday； a man； also connected with the meeting…house； was paid a trifle to take me out for a walk each morning。 This person； who was by turns familiar and truculent； was the object of my intense dislike。 Our relations became； in the truest sense； 'forced'； I was obliged to walk by his side； but I held that I had no further responsibility to be agreeable； and after a while I ceased to speak to him； or to answer his remarks。 On one occasion； poor dreary man； he met a friend and stopped to chat with him。 I considered this act to have dissolved the bond； I skipped lightly from his side； examined several shop…windows which I had been forbidden to look into； made several darts down courts and up passages； and finally； after a delightful morning； returned home； having known my directions perfectly。 My official conductor； in a shocking condition of fear； was crouching by the area…rails looking up and down the street。 He darted upon me； in a great rage； to know 'what I meant by it？' I drew myself up as tall as I could； hissed 'Blind leader of the blind！' at him； and； with this inappropriate but very effective Parthian shot； slipped into the house。
When it was quite certain that no alleviations and no medical care could prevent； or even any longer postpone the departure of my Mother； I believe that my future conduct became the object of her greatest and her most painful solicitude。 She said to my Father that the worst trial of her faith came from the feeling that she was called upon to leave that child whom she had so carefully trained from his earliest infancy for the peculiar service of the Lord； without any knowledge of what his further course would be。 In many conversations； she most tenderly and closely urged my Father； who； however； needed no urging； to watch with unceasing care over my spiritual welfare。 As she grew nearer her end； it was observed that she became calmer； and less troubled by fears about me。 The intensity of her prayers and hopes seemed to have a prevailing force； it would have been a sin to doubt that such supplications； such confidence and devotion； such an emphasis of will； should not be rewarded by an answer from above in the affirmative。 She was able； she said； to leave me 'in the hands of her loving Lord'； or； on another occasion； 'to the care of her covenant God'。
Although her faith was so strong and simple； my Mother possessed no quality of the mystic。 She never pretended to any visionary gifts； believed not at all in dreams or portents； and encouraged nothing in herself or others which was superstitious or fantastic。 In order to realize her condition of mind； it is necessary； I think； to accept the view that she had formed a definite conception of the absolute； unmodified and historical veracity； in its direct and obvious sense； of every statement contained within the covers of the Bible。 For her； and for my Father； nothing w
