the miscellaneous writings and speeches-1-第7章

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t　gave　its　tardy　confirmation　to　the　applauses　which　the　whole　civilised　world　had　bestowed　on　the　genius　of　Voltaire。　　I　might　prove　by　overwhelming　evidence　that；　to　the　latest　period　of　its　existence；　even　under　the　superintendence　of　the　all…accomplished　D'Alembert；　it　continued　to　be　a　scene　of　the　fiercest　animosities　and　the　basest　intrigues。　　I　might　cite　Piron's　epigrams；　and　Marmontel's　memoirs；　and　Montesquieu's　letters。　　But　I　hasten　on　to　another　topic。

One　of　the　modes　by　which　our　Society　proposes　to　encourage　merit　is　the　distribution　of　prizes。　　The　munificence　of　the　king　has　enabled　it　to　offer　an　annual　premium　of　a　hundred　guineas　for　the　best　essay　in　prose；　and　another　of　fifty　guineas　for　the　best　poem；　which　may　be　transmitted　to　it。　　This　is　very　laughable。　　In　the　first　place　the　judges　may　err。　　Those　imperfections　of　human　intellect　to　which；　as　the　articles　of　the　Church　tell　us；　even　general　councils　are　subject；　may　possibly　be　found　even　in　the　Royal　Society　of　Literature。　　The　French　academy；　as　I　have　already　said；　was　the　most　illustrious　assembly　of　the　kind；　and　numbered　among　its　associates　men　much　more　distinguished　than　ever　will　assemble　at　Mr　Hatchard's　to　rummage　the　box　of　the　English　Society。　　Yet　this　famous　body　gave　a　poetical　prize；　for　which　Voltaire　was　a　candidate；　to　a　fellow　who　wrote　some　verses　about　THE　FROZEN　AND　THE　BURNING　POLE。

Yet；　granting　that　the　prizes　were　always　awarded　to　the　best　composition；　that　composition；　I　say　without　hesitation；　will　always　be　bad。　　A　prize　poem　is　like　a　prize　sheep。　　The　object　of　the　competitor　for　the　agricultural　premium　is　to　produce　an　animal　fit；　not　to　be　eaten；　but　to　be　weighed。　　Accordingly　he　pampers　his　victim　into　morbid　and　unnatural　fatness；　and；　when　it　is　in　such　a　state　that　it　would　be　sent　away　in　disgust　from　any　table；　he　offers　it　to　the　judges。　　The　object　of　the　poetical　candidate；　in　like　manner；　is　to　produce；　not　a　good　poem；　but　a　poem　of　that　exact　degree　of　frigidity　or　bombast　which　may　appear　to　his　censors　to　be　correct　or　sublime。　Compositions　thus　constructed　will　always　be　worthless。　　The　few　excellences　which　they　may　contain　will　have　an　exotic　aspect　and　flavour。　　In　general；　prize　sheep　are　good　for　nothing　but　to　make　tallow　candles；　and　prize　poems　are　good　for　nothing　but　to　light　them。

The　first　subject　proposed　by　the　Society　to　the　poets　of　England　was　Dartmoor。　　I　thought　that　they　intended　a　covert　sarcasm　at　their　own　projects。　　Their　institution　was　a　literary　Dartmoor　scheme；a　plan　for　forcing　into　cultivation　the　waste　lands　of　intellect；for　raising　poetical　produce；　by　means　of　bounties；　from　soil　too　meagre　to　have　yielded　any　returns　in　the　natural　course　of　things。　　The　plan　for　the　cultivation　of　Dartmoor　has；　I　hear；　been　abandoned。　　I　hope　that　this　may　be　an　omen　of　the　fate　of　the　Society。

In　truth；　this　seems　by　no　means　improbable。　　They　have　been　offering　for　several　years　the　rewards　which　the　king　placed　at　their　disposal；　and　have　not；　as　far　as　I　can　learn；　been　able　to　find　in　their　box　one　composition　which　they　have　deemed　worthy　of　publication。　　At　least　no　publication　has　taken　place。　　The　associates　may　perhaps　be　astonished　at　this。　　But　I　will　attempt　to　explain　it；　after　the　manner　of　ancient　times；　by　means　of　an　apologue。

About　four　hundred　years　after　the　Deluge；　King　Gomer　Chephoraod　reigned　in　Babylon。　　He　united　all　the　characteristics　of　an　excellent　sovereign。　　He　made　good　laws；　won　great　battles；　and　white…washed　long　streets。　　He　was；　in　consequence；　idolised　by　his　people；　and　panegyrised　by　many　poets　and　orators。　　A　book　was　then　a　sermons　undertaking。　　Neither　paper　nor　any　similar　material　had　been　invented。　　Authors　were　therefore　under　the　necessity　of　inscribing　their　compositions　on　massive　bricks。　Some　of　these　Babylonian　records　are　still　preserved　in　European　museums；　but　the　language　in　which　they　are　written　has　never　been　deciphered。　　Gomer　Chephoraod　was　so　popular　that　the　clay　of　all　the　plains　round　the　Euphrates　could　scarcely　furnish　brick…kilns　enough　for　his　eulogists。　　It　is　recorded　in　particular　that　Pharonezzar；　the　Assyrian　Pindar；　published　a　bridge　and　four　walls　in　his　praise。

One　day　the　king　was　going　in　state　from　his　palace　to　the　temple　of　Belus。　　During　this　procession　it　was　lawful　for　any　Babylonian　to　offer　any　petition　or　suggestion　to　his　sovereign。　As　the　chariot　passed　before　a　vintner's　shop；　a　large　company；　apparently　half…drunk；　sallied　forth　into　the　street；　and　one　of　them　thus　addressed　the　king：

〃Gomer　Chephoraod；　live　for　ever！　　It　appears　to　thy　servants　that　of　all　the　productions　of　the　earth　good　wine　is　the　best；　and　bad　wine　is　the　worst。　　Good　wine　makes　the　heart　cheerful；　the　eyes　bright；　the　speech　ready。　　Bad　wine　confuses　the　head；　disorders　the　stomach；　makes　us　quarrelsome　at　night；　and　sick　the　next　morning。　　Now　therefore　let　my　lord　the　king　take　order　that　thy　servants　may　drink　good　wine。

〃And　how　is　this　to　be　done？〃　said　the　good…natured　prince。

〃O　King；〃　said　his　monitor；　〃this　is　most　easy。　　Let　the　king　make　a　decree；　and　seal　it　with　his　royal　signet：　and　let　it　be　proclaimed　that　the　king　will　give　ten　she…asses；　and　ten　slaves；　and　ten　changes　of　raiment；　every　year；　unto　the　man　who　shall　make　ten　measures　of　the　best　wine。　　And　whosoever　wishes　for　the　she…asses；　and　the　slaves；　and　the　raiment；　let　him　send　the　ten　measures　of　wine　to　thy　servants；　and　we　will　drink　thereof　and　judge。　　So　shall　there　be　much　good　wine　in　Assyria。〃

The　project　pleased　Gomer　Chephoraod。　　〃Be　it　so；〃　said　he。　　The　people　shouted。　　The　petitioners　prostrated　themselves　in　gratitude。　　The　same　night　heralds　were　despatched　to　bear　the　intelligence　to　the　remotest　districts　of　Assyria。

After　a　due　interval　the　wines　began　to　come　in；　and　the　examiners　assembled　to　adjudge　the　prize。　　The　first　vessel　was　unsealed。　　Its　odour　was　such　that　the　judges；　without　tasting　it；　pronounced　unanimous　condemnation。　　The　next　was　opened：　it　had　a　villainous　taste　of　clay。　　The　third　was　sour　and　vapid。　They　proceeded　from　one　cask　of　execrable　liquor　to　another；　till　at　length；　in　absolute　nausea；　they　gave　up　the　investigation。

The　next　morning　they　all　assembled　at　the　gate　of　the　king；　with　pale　faces　and　aching　heads。　　They　owned　that　they　could　not　recommend　any　competitor　as　worthy　of　the　rewards。　　They　swore　that　the　wine　was　little　better　than　poison；　and　entreated　permission　to　resign　the　office　of　deciding　between　such　detestable　potions。

〃In　the　name　of　Belus；　how　can　this　have　happened？〃　said　the　king。

Merolchazzar；　the　high…priest；　muttered　something　about　the　anger　of　the　Gods　at　the　toleration　shown　to　a　sect　of　impious　heretics　who　ate　pigeons　broiled；　〃whereas；〃　said　he；　〃our　religion　commands　us　to　eat　them　roasted。　　Now　therefore；　O　King；〃　continued　this　respectable　divine；　〃give　command　to　thy　men　of　war；　and　let　them　smite　the　disobedient　people　with　the　sword；　them；　and　their　wives；　and　their　children；　and　let　their　houses；　and　their　flocks；　and　their　herds；　be　given　to　thy　servants　the　priests。　　Then　shall　the　land　yield　its　increase；　and　the　fruits　of　the　earth　shall　be　no　more　blasted　by　the　vengeance　of　Heaven。〃

〃Nay；〃　said　the　king；　〃the　ground　lies　under　no　general　curse　from　Heaven。　　The　season　has　been　singularly　good。　　The　wine　which　thou　didst　thyself　drink　at　the　banquet　a　few　nights　ago；　O　venerable　Merolchazzar；　was　of　this　year's　vintage。　　Dost　thou　not　remember　how　thou　didst　praise　it？　　It　was　the　same　night　that　thou　wast　inspired　by　Belus　and　didst　reel　to　and　fro；　and　discourse　sacred　mysteries。　　These　things　are　too　hard　for　me。　　I　comprehend　them　not。　　The　only　wine　which　is　bad　is　that　which　is　sent　to　my　judges。　　Who　can　expound　this　to　us？〃

The　king　scratched　his　head。　　Upon　which　all　the　courtiers　scratched　their　heads。

He　then　ordered　proclamation　to　be　made　that　a　purple　robe　and　a　golden　chain　should　be　given　to　the　man　who　could　solve　this　difficulty。

An　old　philosopher；　who　had　been　observed　to　smile　rather　disdainfully　when　the　prize　had　first　been　instituted；　came　forward　and　spoke　thus：

〃Gomer