is shakespeare dead-第5章

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anners　and　customs　and　ways　of　royal　courts　and　aristocratic　society；　and　likewise　accumulated　in　his　one　head　every　kind　of　knowledge　the　learned　then　possessed；　and　every　kind　of　humble　knowledge　possessed　by　the　lowly　and　the　ignorant；　and　added　thereto　a　wider　and　more　intimate　knowledge　of　the　world's　great　literatures；　ancient　and　modern；　than　was　possessed　by　any　other　man　of　his　timefor　he　was　going　to　make　brilliant　and　easy　and　admiration…compelling　use　of　these　splendid　treasures　the　moment　he　got　to　London。　　And　according　to　the　surmisers；　that　is　what　he　did。　　Yes；　although　there　was　no　one　in　Stratford　able　to　teach　him　these　things；　and　no　library　in　the　little　village　to　dig　them　out　of。　　His　father　could　not　read；　and　even　the　surmisers　surmise　that　he　did　not　keep　a　library。

It　is　surmised　by　the　biographers　that　the　young　Shakespeare　got　his　vast　knowledge　of　the　law　and　his　familiar　and　accurate　acquaintance　with　the　manners　and　customs　and　shop…talk　of　lawyers　through　being　for　a　time　the　CLERK　OF　A　STRATFORD　COURT；　just　as　a　bright　lad　like　me；　reared　in　a　village　on　the　banks　of　the　Mississippi；　might　become　perfect　in　knowledge　of　the　Behring　Strait　whale…fishery　and　the　shop…talk　of　the　veteran　exercisers　of　that　adventure…bristling　trade　through　catching　catfish　with　a　〃trot…line〃　Sundays。　　But　the　surmise　is　damaged　by　the　fact　that　there　is　no　evidenceand　not　even　traditionthat　the　young　Shakespeare　was　ever　clerk　of　a　law　court。

It　is　further　surmised　that　the　young　Shakespeare　accumulated　his　law…treasures　in　the　first　years　of　his　sojourn　in　London；　through　〃amusing　himself〃　by　learning　book…law　in　his　garret　and　by　picking　up　lawyer…talk　and　the　rest　of　it　through　loitering　about　the　law…　courts　and　listening。　　But　it　is　only　surmise；　there　is　no　EVIDENCE　that　he　ever　did　either　of　those　things。　　They　are　merely　a　couple　of　chunks　of　plaster　of　paris。

There　is　a　legend　that　he　got　his　bread　and　butter　by　holding　horses　in　front　of　the　London　theatres；　mornings　and　afternoons。　Maybe　he　did。　　If　he　did；　it　seriously　shortened　his　law…study　hours　and　his　recreation…time　in　the　courts。　　In　those　very　days　he　was　writing　great　plays；　and　needed　all　the　time　he　could　get。　　The　horse…holding　legend　ought　to　be　strangled；　it　too　formidably　increases　the　historian's　difficulty　in　accounting　for　the　young　Shakespeare's　eruditionan　erudition　which　he　was　acquiring；　hunk　by　hunk　and　chunk　by　chunk　every　day　in　those　strenuous　times；　and　emptying　each　day's　catch　into　next　day's　imperishable　drama。

He　had　to　acquire　a　knowledge　of　war　at　the　same　time；　and　a　knowledge　of　soldier…people　and　sailor…people　and　their　ways　and　talk；　also　a　knowledge　of　some　foreign　lands　and　their　languages：　for　he　was　daily　emptying　fluent　streams　of　these　various　knowledges；　too；　into　his　dramas。　　How　did　he　acquire　these　rich　assets？

In　the　usual　way：　　by　surmise。　　It　is　SURMISED　that　he　travelled　in　Italy　and　Germany　and　around；　and　qualified　himself　to　put　their　scenic　and　social　aspects　upon　paper；　that　he　perfected　himself　in　French；　Italian　and　Spanish　on　the　road；　that　he　went　in　Leicester's　expedition　to　the　Low　Countries；　as　soldier　or　sutler　or　something；　for　several　months　or　yearsor　whatever　length　of　time　a　surmiser　needs　in　his　businessand　thus　became　familiar　with　soldiership　and　soldier…ways　and　soldier…talk；　and　generalship　and　general…ways　and　general…talk；　and　seamanship　and　sailor…ways　and　sailor…talk。

Maybe　he　did　all　these　things；　but　I　would　like　to　know　who　held　the　horses　in　the　meantime；　and　who　studied　the　books　in　the　garret；　and　who　frollicked　in　the　law…courts　for　recreation。　　Also；　who　did　the　call…boying　and　the　play…acting。

For　he　became　a　call…boy；　and　as　early　as　'93　he　became　a　〃vagabond〃the　law's　ungentle　term　for　an　unlisted　actor；　and　in　'94　a　〃regular〃　and　properly　and　officially　listed　member　of　that　（in　those　days）　lightly…valued　and　not　much　respected　profession。

Right　soon　thereafter　he　became　a　stockholder　in　two　theatres；　and　manager　of　them。　　Thenceforward　he　was　a　busy　and　flourishing　business　man；　and　was　raking　in　money　with　both　hands　for　twenty　years。　　Then　in　a　noble　frenzy　of　poetic　inspiration　he　wrote　his　one　poemhis　only　poem；　his　darlingand　laid　him　down　and　died：


Good　friend　for　Iesus　sake　forbeare　To　digg　the　dust　encloased　heare：　Blest　be　ye　man　yt　spares　thes　stones　And　curst　be　he　yt　moves　my　bones。


He　was　probably　dead　when　he　wrote　it。　　Still；　this　is　only　conjecture。　　We　have　only　circumstantial　evidence。　　Internal　evidence。

Shall　I　set　down　the　rest　of　the　Conjectures　which　constitute　the　giant　Biography　of　William　Shakespeare？　　It　would　strain　the　Unabridged　Dictionary　to　hold　them。　　He　is　a　Brontosaur：　　nine　bones　and　six　hundred　barrels　of　plaster　of　paris。



CHAPTER　V



〃We　May　Assume〃

In　the　Assuming　trade　three　separate　and　independent　cults　are　transacting　business。　　Two　of　these　cults　are　known　as　the　Shakespearites　and　the　Baconians；　and　I　am　the　other　onethe　Brontosaurian。

The　Shakespearite　knows　that　Shakespeare　wrote　Shakespeare's　Works；　the　Baconian　knows　that　Francis　Bacon　wrote　them；　the　Brontosaurian　doesn't　really　know　which　of　them　did　it；　but　is　quite　composedly　and　contentedly　sure　that　Shakespeare　DIDN'T；　and　strongly　suspects　that　Bacon　DID。　　We　all　have　to　do　a　good　deal　of　assuming；　but　I　am　fairly　certain　that　in　every　case　I　can　call　to　mind　the　Baconian　assumers　have　come　out　ahead　of　the　Shakespearites。　　Both　parties　handle　the　same　materials；　but　the　Baconians　seem　to　me　to　get　much　more　reasonable　and　rational　and　persuasive　results　out　of　them　than　is　the　case　with　the　Shakespearites。　　The　Shakespearite　conducts　his　assuming　upon　a　definite　principle；　an　unchanging　and　immutable　lawwhich　is：　　2　and　8　and　7　and　14；　added　together；　make　165。　　I　believe　this　to　be　an　error。　　No　matter；　you　cannot　get　a　habit…sodden　Shakespearite　to　cipher…up　his　materials　upon　any　other　basis。　　With　the　Baconian　it　is　different。　　If　you　place　before　him　the　above　figures　and　set　him　to　adding　them　up；　he　will　never　in　any　case　get　more　than　45　out　of　them；　and　in　nine　cases　out　of　ten　he　will　get　just　the　proper　31。

Let　me　try　to　illustrate　the　two　systems　in　a　simple　and　homely　way　calculated　to　bring　the　idea　within　the　grasp　of　the　ignorant　and　unintelligent。　　We　will　suppose　a　case：　　take　a　lap…bred；　house…　fed；　uneducated；　inexperienced　kitten；　take　a　rugged　old　Tom　that's　scarred　from　stem　to　rudder…post　with　the　memorials　of　strenuous　experience；　and　is　so　cultured；　so　educated；　so　limitlessly　erudite　that　one　may　say　of　him　〃all　cat…knowledge　is　his　province〃；　also；　take　a　mouse。　　Lock　the　three　up　in　a　holeless；　crackless；　exitless　prison…cell。　　Wait　half　an　hour；　then　open　the　cell；　introduce　a　Shakespearite　and　a　Baconian；　and　let　them　cipher　and　assume。　　The　mouse　is　missing：　　the　question　to　be　decided　is；　where　is　it？　　You　can　guess　both　verdicts　beforehand。　　One　verdict　will　say　the　kitten　contains　the　mouse；　the　other　will　as　certainly　say　the　mouse　is　in　the　tomcat。

The　Shakespearite　will　Reason　like　this（that　is　not　my　word；　it　is　his）。　　He　will　say　the　kitten　MAY　HAVE　BEEN　attending　school　when　nobody　was　noticing；　therefore　WE　ARE　WARRANTED　IN　ASSUMING　that　it　did　so；　also；　it　COULD　HAVE　BEEN　training　in　a　court…　clerk's　office　when　no　one　was　noticing；　since　that　could　have　happened；　WE　ARE　JUSTIFIED　IN　ASSUMING　that　it　did　happen；　it　COULD　HAVE　STUDIED　CATOLOGY　IN　A　GARRET　when　no　one　was　noticing　therefore　it　DID；　it　COULD　HAVE　attended　cat…assizes　on　the　shed…　roof　nights；　for　recreation；　when　no　one　was　noticing；　and　harvested　a　knowledge　of　cat　court…forms　and　cat　lawyer…talk　in　that　way：　　it　COULD　have　done　it；　therefore　without　a　doubt　it　did；　it　could　have　gone　soldiering　with　a　war…tribe　when　no　one　was　noticing；　and　learned　soldier…wiles　and　soldier…ways；　and　what　to　do　with　a　mouse　when　opportunity　offers；　the　plain　inference；　therefore　is；　that　that　is　what　it　DID。　　Since　all　these　manifold　things　COULD　have　occurred；　we　have　EVERY　RIGHT　TO　BELIEVE　they　did　occur。　　These　patiently　and　painstakingly　accumulated　vast　acquirements　and　competences　needed　but　one　thing　more