the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第5章
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I was fixin myself up to attend the great war meetin'； when my
daughter entered with a young man who was evijently from the
city； and who wore long hair； and had a wild expression into
his eye。 In one hand he carried a port…folio； and his other
paw claspt a bunch of small brushes。 My daughter introduced
him as MR。 SWEIBIER； the distinguished landscape painter from
Philadelphy。
〃He is a artist； papa。 Here is one of his master…piecesa
young mother gazin' admirin'ly upon her first…born；〃 and my
daughter showed me a really pretty picter； done in ile。 〃Is
it not beautiful； papa？ He throws so much soul into his
work。〃
〃Does he？ does he？〃 said I〃well； I reckon I'd better hire
him to whitewash our fence。 It needs it。 What will you
charge； sir；〃 I continued； 〃to throw some soul into my fence？〃
My daughter went out of the room in very short meeter； takin'
the artist with her； and from the emphatical manner in which
the door slam'd； I concluded she was summat disgusted at my
remarks。 She closed the door； I may say； in ITALICS。 I went
into the closet and larfed all alone by myself for over half
an hour。 I larfed so vi'lently that the preserve jars rattled
like a cavalry offisser's sword and things； which it aroused
my BETSY； who came and opened the door pretty suddent。 She
seized me by the few lonely hairs that still linger sadly upon
my bare…footed hed； and dragged me out of the closet；
incidentally obsarving that she didn't exactly see why she
should be compelled； at her advanced stage of life； to open a
assylum for sooperanooated idiots。
My wife is one of the best wimin on this continent； altho' she
isn't always gentle as a lamb； with mint sauce。 No； not
always。
But to return to the war meetin'。 It was largely attended。
The Editor of the 〃Bugle〃 arose and got up and said the fact
could no longer be disguised that we were involved in a war。
〃Human gore；〃 said he； 〃is flowin'。 All able…bodied men
should seize a musket and march to the tented field。 I repeat
it sir； to the tented field。〃
A voice〃Why don't you go yourself； you old blowhard？〃
〃I am identified； young man； with a Arkymedian leaver which
moves the world；〃 said the Editor； wiping his auburn brow with
his left coat…tail； 〃I allude； young man； to the press：
Terms； two dollars a year； invariably in advance。 Job
printing executed with neatness and dispatch！〃 And with this
brilliant bust of elekance the Editor introduced Mr。 J。 Brutus
Hinkins； who is suffering from an attack of College in a
naberin' place。 Mr。 Hinkins said Washington was not safe。
Who can save our national capeetle？
〃DAN SETCHELL；〃 I said。 〃He can do it afternoons。 Let him
plant his light and airy form onto the Long Bridge； make faces
at the hirelin' foe； and they'll skedaddle！ Old SETCH can do
it。〃
〃I call the Napoleon of Showmen；〃 said the Editor of the
〃Bugle；〃〃I call that Napoleonic man； whose life is adorned
with so many noble virtues； and whose giant mind lights up
this warlike sceneI call him to order。〃
I will remark； in this connection； that the Editor of the
〃Bugle〃 does my job printing。
〃You；〃 said Mr。 Hinkins； 〃who live away from the busy haunts
of men do not comprehend the magnitood of the crisis。 The
busy haunts of men is where people comprehend this crisis。 We
who live in the busy haunts of menthat is to say； we dwell；
as it were； in the busy haunts of men。〃
〃I really trust that the gen'l'man will not fail to say
suthin' about the busy haunts of men before he sits down；〃
said I。
〃I claim the right to express my sentiments here；〃 said Mr。
Hinkins； in a slightly indignant tone； 〃and I shall brook no
interruption； if I am a Softmore。〃
〃You couldn't be MORE SOFT； my young friend；〃 I observed；
whereupon there was cries of Order！ order！〃
〃I regret I can't mingle in this strife personally；〃 said the
young man。
〃You might inlist as a liberty…pole；〃 said I； in a silvery
whisper。
〃But；〃 he added； 〃I have a voice； and that voice is for war。〃
The young man then closed his speech with some strikin and
orginal remarks in relation to the star…spangled banner。 He
was followed by the village minister； a very worthy man
indeed； but whose sermons have a tendency to make people sleep
pretty industriously。
〃I am willin' to inlist for one；〃 he said。
〃What's your weight； parson？〃 I asked。
〃A hundred and sixty pounds；〃 he said。
〃Well； you can inlist as a hundred and sixty pounds of
morphine； your dooty bein' to stand in the hospitals arter a
battle； and preach while the surgical operations is bein'
performed！ Think how much you'd save the Gov'ment in
morphine。〃
He didn't seem to see it； but he made a good speech； and the
editor of the 〃Bugle〃 rose to read the resolutions； commencin'
as follers：
RESOLVED； That we view with anxiety the fact that there is now
a war goin' on； and
RESOLVED； That we believe Stonewall Jackson sympathizes with
the secession movement； and that we hope the nine…months men
At this point he was interrupted by the sounds of silvery
footsteps on the stairs； and a party of wimin； carryin' guns
and led by BETSY JANE； who brandish'd a loud and rattlin'
umbereller； burst into the room。
〃Here；〃 cried I； 〃are some nine…months wimin！〃
〃Mrs。 Ward；〃 said the editor of the 〃Bugle〃〃Mrs。 WARD and
ladies； what means this extr'ord'n'ry demonstration？〃
〃It means；〃 said that remarkable female 〃that you men air
makin' fools of yourselves。 You air willin' to talk and urge
others to go to the wars； but you don't go to the wars
yourselves。 War meetin's is very nice in their way； but they
don't keep STONEWALL JACKSON from comin' over to Maryland and
helpin' himself to the fattest beef critters。 What we want is
more cider and less talk。 We want you able…bodied men to stop
speechifying； which don't 'mount to the wiggle of a sick cat's
tail； and to go fi'tin'； otherwise you can stay to home and
take keer of the children； while we wimin will go to the
wars！〃
〃Gentl'man；〃 said I； 〃that's my wife！ Go in； old gal！〃 and I
throw'd up my ancient white hat in perfeck rapters。
〃Is this roll…book to be filled up with the names of men or
wimin？〃 she cried。
〃With menwith men！〃 and our quoty was made up that very
night。
There is a great deal of gas about these war meetin's。 A war
meetin'； in fact； without gas； would be suthin' like the play
of HAMLET with the part of OTHELLO omitted。
Still believin' that the Goddess of Liberty is about as well
sot up with as any young lady in distress could expect to be；
I am
Yours more'n anybody else's；
A。 Ward。
2。6。 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE。
If I'm drafted I shall RESIGN。
Deeply grateful for the onexpected honor thus confered upon me
I shall feel compeld to resign the position in favor of sum
more worthy person。 Modesty is what ails me。 That's what's
kept me under。
I meanter…say； I shall hav to resign if I'm drafted
everywheres I've bin inrold。 I must now； furrinstuns； be
inrold in upards of 200 different towns。 If I'd kept on
travelin' I should hav eventooaly becum a Brigade； in which
case I could have held a meetin' and elected myself Brigadeer…
ginral quite unanimiss。 I hadn't no idea there was so many of
me before。 But； serisly； I concluded to stop exhibitin'； and
made tracks for Baldinsville。
My only daughter threw herself onto my boosum； and said； 〃It
is me fayther！ I thank the gods！〃
She reads the 〃Ledger。〃
〃Tip us yer bunch of fives； old faker！〃 said ARTEMUS； Jr。 He
reads the 〃Clipper。〃
My wife was to the sowin' circle。 I knew she and the wimin
folks was havin' a pleasant time slanderin' the females of the
OTHER sowin' circle （which likewise met that arternoon； and
was doubtless enjoyin' theirselves ekally well in slanderin'
the fust…named circle）； and I didn't send for her。 I allus
like to see people enjoy theirselves。
My son ORGUSTUS was playin' onto a floot。
ORGUSTUS is a ethereal cuss。 The twins was bildin' cob…houses
in a corner of the kitchin'。
It'll cost some postage…stamps to raise this fam'ly； and yet
it 'ud go hard with the old man to los
