the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第4章
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As soon as I'd recooperated my physikil system； I went over
into the village。 The peasantry was glad to see me。 The
skoolmaster sed it was cheerin to see that gigantic intelleck
among 'em onct more。 That's what he called me。 I like the
skoolmaster； and allers send him tobacker when I'm off on a
travelin campane。 Besides； he is a very sensible man。 Such
men must be encouraged。
They don't git news very fast in Baldinsville； as nothin but a
plank road runs in there twice a week； and that's very much
out of repair。 So my nabers wasn't much posted up in regard
to the wars。 'Squire Baxter sed he'd voted the dimicratic
ticket for goin on forty year； and the war was a dam black
republican lie。 Jo。 Stackpole； who kills hogs for the Squire；
and has got a powerful muscle into his arms； sed he'd bet 5
dollars he could lick the Crisis in a fair stand…up fight； if
he wouldn't draw a knife on him。 So it wentsum was for war；
and sum was for peace。 The skoolmaster； however； sed the
Slave Oligarky must cower at the feet of the North ere a year
had flowed by； or pass over his dead corpse。 〃Esto perpetua！〃
he added！ 〃And sine qua non also！〃 sed I； sternly； wishing to
make a impression onto the villagers。 〃Requiescat in pace！〃
sed the skoolmaster； 〃Too troo； too troo！〃 I anserd； 〃it's a
scanderlus fact！〃
The newspapers got along at last； chock full of war； and the
patriotic fever fairly bust out in Baldinsville。 'Squire
Baxter sed he didn't b'lieve in Coercion； not one of 'em； and
could prove by a file of 〃Eagles of Liberty〃 in his garrit；
that it was all a Whig lie； got up to raise the price of
whisky and destroy our other liberties。 But the old 'Squire
got putty riley； when he heard how the rebels was cuttin up；
and he sed he reckoned he should skour up his old muskit and
do a little square fitin for the Old Flag； which had allers
bin on the ticket HE'D voted； and he was too old to Bolt now。
The 'Squire is all right at heart； but it takes longer for him
to fill his venerable Biler with steam than it used to when he
was young and frisky。 As I previously informed you； I am
Captin of the Baldinsville Company。 I riz gradooally but
majestically from drummer's Secretary to my present position。
But I found the ranks wasn't full by no means； and commenced
for to recroot。 Havin notist a gineral desire on the part of
young men who are into the crisis to wear eppylits； I
detarmined to have my company composed excloosviely of
offissers； everybody to rank as Brigadeer…Ginral。 The
follerin was among the varis questions which I put to
recroots：
Do you know a masked battery from a hunk of gingerbread？
Do you know a eppylit from a piece of chalk？
If I trust you with a real gun； how many men of your own
company do you speck you can manage to kill durin the war？
Hav you ever heard of Ginral Price of Missouri； and can you
avoid simler accidents in case of a battle？
Have you ever had the measles； and if so； how many？
How air you now？
Show me your tongue； &c。； &c。 Sum of the questions was
sarcusstical。
The company filled up rapid； and last Sunday we went to the
meetin house in full uniform。 I had a seris time gittin into
my military harness； as it was bilt for me many years ago； but
I finally got inside of it； tho' it fitted me putty clost。
Howsever； onct into it； I lookt finein fact； aw…inspirin。
〃Do you know me； Mrs。 Ward？〃 sed I； walking into the kitchin。
〃Know you； you old fool？ Of course I do。〃
I saw at once she did。
I started for the meetin house； and I'm afraid I tried to walk
too strate； for I cum very near fallin over backards； and in
attemptin to recover myself； my sword got mixed up with my
legs； and I fell in among a choice collection of young ladies；
who was standin near the church door a…seein the sojer boys
come up。 My cockt hat fell off； and sumhow my coat tales got
twisted round my neck。 The young ladies put their
handkerchers to their mouths and remarked： 〃Te he；〃 while my
ancient female single friend； Sary Peasley； bust out in a loud
larf。 She exercised her mouth so vilently that her new false
teeth fell out onto the ground。
〃Miss Peaseley；〃 sed I； gittin up and dustin myself； 〃you must
be more careful with them store teeth of your'n or you'll have
to gum it agin！〃
Methinks I had her。
I'd bin to work hard all the week； and I felt rather snoozy。
I'm 'fraid I did git half asleep； for on hearin the minister
ask； 〃Why was man made to mourn？〃 I sed； 〃I giv it up；〃 havin
a vague idee that it was a condrum。 It was a onfortnit
remark； for the whole meetin house lookt at me with mingled
surprise and indignation。 I was about risin to a pint of
order； when it suddenly occurd to me whare I was； and I kept
my seat； blushin like the red； red roseso to speak。
The next mornin I 'rose with the lark （N。B。I don't sleep
with the lark； tho。' A goak）。
My little dawter was execootin ballids； accompanyin herself
with the Akordeon； and she wisht me to linger and hear her
sing： 〃Hark I hear a angel singin； a angel now is onto the
wing。〃
〃Let him fly； my child！〃 sed I； a…bucklin on my armer； 〃I must
forth to my Biz。〃
We air progressin pretty well with our drill。 As all air
commandin offissers； there ain't no jelusy； and as we air all
exceedin smart； it t'aint worth while to try to outstrip each
other。 The idee of a company composed excloosively of
Commanders…in…Chiefs； orriggernated； I spose I skurcely need
say； in these Brane。 Considered AS a idee； I flatter myself
it is putty hefty。 We've got all the tackticks at our tongs'
ends； but what we particly excel in is restin muskits。 We can
rest muskits with anybody。
Our corpse will do its dooty。 We go to the aid of Columbywe
fight for the stars！
We'll be chopt into sassige meat before we'll exhibit our
cote…tales to the foe。
We'll fight till there's nothin left of us but our little toes
and even they shall defiantly wiggle！
〃Ever of thee；〃
A。 Ward。
2。5。 A WAR MEETING。
Our complaint just now is war meetin's。 They've bin havin 'em
bad in varis parts of our cheerful Republic； and nat'rally we
caught 'em here in Baldinsville。 They broke out all over us。
They're better attended than the Eclipse was。
I remember how people poured into our town last Spring to see
the Eclipse。 They labored into a impression that they
couldn't see it to home； and so they cum up to our place。 I
cleared a very handsome amount of money by exhibitin' the
Eclipse to 'em； in an open…top tent。 But the crowds is bigger
now。 Posey County is aroused。 I may say； indeed； that the
pra…hay…ories of Injianny is on fire。
Our big meetin' came off the other night； and our old friend
of the 〃Bugle〃 was elected Cheerman。
The 〃Bugle…Horn of Liberty〃 is one of Baldinsville's most
eminentest institootions。 The advertisements are well…
written； and the deaths and marriages are conducted with
signal ability。 The editor； MR。 SLINKERS； is a polish'd；
skarcastic writer。 Folks in these parts will not soon forgit
how he used up the 〃Eagle of Freedom；〃 a family journal
published at Snootville； near here。 The controversy was about
a plank road。 〃The road may be； as our cotemporary says； a
humbug； but OUR aunt isn't bald…heded； and WE haven't got a
one…eyed sister Sal！ Wonder if the Editor of the 〃Eagle of
Freedom〃 sees it？〃 This used up the 〃Eagle of Freedom〃
feller； because his aunt's head does present a skinn'd
appearance； and his sister SARAH is very much one…eyed。 For a
genteel home…thrust； MR。 SLINKERS has few ekals。 He is a man
of great pluck likewise。 He has a fierce nostril； and I
believe upon my soul that if it wasn't absolootly necessary
for him to remain here and announce in his paper； from week to
week； that 〃our Gov'ment is about to take vig'rous measures to
put down the rebellion〃I b'lieve； upon my soul； this
illustris man would enlist as a Brigadier Gin'ral； and git his
Bounty。
。 。 。 。
I was fixin myself up to attend the great war meetin'； when my
daughter entered with a young man who was evijent
