the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第2章

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We　should　indeed　be　weak　in　the　knees；　unsound　in　the　heart；
milk…white　in　the　liver；　and　soft　in　the　hed；　if　we　stood
quietly　by；　and　saw　this　glorus　Govyment　smashed　to　pieces；
either　by　a　furrin　or　a　intestine　foe。　　The　gentle…harted
mother　hates　to　take　her　naughty　child　across　her　knee；　but
she　knows　it　is　her　dooty　to　do　it。　　So　we　shall　hate　to　whip
the　naughty　South；　but　we　must　do　it　if　you　don't　make　back
tracks　at　onct；　and　we　shall　wallup　you　out　of　your　boots！　　J。
Davis；　it　is　my　decided　opinion　that　the　Sonny　South　is　makin
a　egrejus　mutton…hed　of　herself！〃

〃Go　on；　sir；　you're　safe　enuff。　　You're　two　small　powder　for
me！〃　sed　the　President　of　the　Southern　Conthieveracy。

〃Wait　till　I　go　home　and　start　out　the　Baldinsville　Mounted
Hoss　Cavalry！　　I'm　Capting　of　that　Corpse；　I　am；　and　J。　Davis；
beware！　　Jefferson　D。；　I　now　leave　you！　　Farewell　my　gay　Saler
Boy！　　Good…bye；　my　bold　buccaneer！　　Pirut　of　the　deep　blue
sea；　adoo！　adoo！〃

My　tower　threw　the　Southern　Conthieveracy　on　my　way　home　was
thrillin　enuff　for　yeller　covers。　　It　will　form　the　subjeck　of
my　next。　　Betsy　Jane　and　the　projeny　air　well。

Yours　respectively；

A。　Ward。


2。2。　　THRILLING　SCENES　IN　DIXIE。

I　had　a　narrer　scape　from　the　sonny　South。　　〃The　swings　and
arrers　of　outrajus　fortin；〃　alluded　to　by　Hamlick；　warn't
nothin　in　comparison　to　my　trubles。　　I　come　pesky　near　swearin
sum　profane　oaths　more'n　onct；　but　I　hope　I　didn't　do　it；　for
I've　promist　she　whose　name　shall　be　nameless　（except　that　her
initials　is　Betsy　J。）　that　I'll　jine　the　Meetin　House　at
Baldinsville；　jest　as　soon　as　I　can　scrape　money　enuff
together　so　I　can　'ford　to　be　piuss　in　good　stile；　like　my
welthy　nabers。　　But　if　I'm　confisticated　agin　I'm　fraid　I
shall　continner　on　in　my　present　benited　state　for　sum　time。

I　figgered　conspicyusly　in　many　thrillin　scenes　in　my　tower
from　Montgomry　to　my　humsted；　and　on　sevril　occasions　I
thought　〃the　grate　komick　paper〃　wouldn't　be　inriched　no　more
with　my　lubrications。　　Arter　biddin　adoo　to　Jefferson　D。　I
started　for　the　depot。　　I　saw　a　nigger　sittin　on　a　fence　a
playin　on　a　banjo；　〃My　Afrikan　Brother；〃　sed　I；　coting　from　a
Track　I　onct　red；　〃you　belong　to　a　very　interestin　race。　　Your
masters　is　goin　to　war　excloosively　on　your　account。〃

〃Yes；　boss；〃　he　replied；　〃an'　I　wish　'em　honorable　graves！〃
and　he　went　on　playin　the　banjo；　larfin　all　over　and　openin
his　mouth　wide　enuff　to　drive　in　an　old…fashioned　2　wheeled
chaise。

The　train　of　cars　in　which　I　was　to　trust　my　wallerable　life；
was　the　scaliest；　rickytiest　lookin　lot　of　consarns　that　I
ever　saw　on　wheels　afore。　　〃What　time　does　this　string　of
second…hand　coffins　leave？〃　I　inquired　of　the　depot　master。
He　sed　direckly；　and　I　went　in　&　sot　down。　　I　hadn't　more'n
fairly　squatted　afore　a　dark　lookin　man　with　a　swinister
expression　onto　his　countenance　entered　the　cars；　and　lookin
very　sharp　at　me；　he　axed　what　was　my　principles？

〃Secesh！〃　I　ansered。　　〃I'm　a　Dissoluter。　　I'm　in　favor　of　Jeff
Davis；　Bowregard；　Pickens；　Capt。　Kidd；　Bloobeard；　Munro
Edards；　the　devil；　Mrs。　Cunningham　and　all　the　rest　of　'em。〃

〃You're　in　favor　of　the　war？〃

〃Certingly。　　By　all　means。　　I'm　in　favor　of　this　war　and　also
of　the　next　war。　　I've　been　in　favor　of　the　next　war　for　over
sixteen　years！〃

〃War　to　the　knife！〃　sed　the　man。

〃Blud；　Eargo；　Blud！〃　sed　I；　tho　them　words　isn't　orrigernal
with　me；　them　words　was　rit　by　Shakspeare；　who　is　ded。　　His
mantle　fell　onto　the　author　of　〃The　Seven　Sisters；〃　who's　goin
to　hav　a　Spring　overcoat　made　out　of　it。

We　got　under　way　at　larst；　an'　proceeded　on　our　jerney　at
about　the　rate　of　speed　which　is　ginrally　obsarved　by
properly…conducted　funeral　processions。　　A　hansum　yung　gal；
with　a　red　musketer　bar　on　the　back　side　of　her　hed；　and　a
sassy　little　black　hat　tipt　over　her　forrerd；　sot　in　the　seat
with　me。　　She　wore　a　little　Sesesh　flag　pin'd　onto　her　hat；
and　she　was　a　goin　for　to　see　her　troo　love；　who　had　jined　the
Southern　army；　all　so　bold　and　gay。　　So　she　told　me。　　She　was
chilly　and　I　offered　her　my　blanket。

〃Father　livin？〃　I　axed。

〃Yes；　sir。〃

〃Got　any　Uncles？〃

〃A　heap。　　Uncle　Thomas　is　ded；　tho。〃

〃Peace　to　Uncle　Thomas's　ashes；　and　success　to　him！　　I　will　be
your　Uncle　Thomas！　　Lean　on　me；　my　pretty　Secesher；　and　linger
in　Blissful　repose！〃　　She　slept　as　secoorly　as　in　her　own
housen；　and　didn't　disturb　the　sollum　stillness　of　the　night
with　'ary　snore！

At　the　first　station　a　troop　of　Sojers　entered　the　cars　and
inquired　if　〃Old　Wax　Works〃　was　on　bored。　　That　was　the
disrespectiv　stile　in　which　they　referred　to　me。　　〃Becawz　if
Old　Wax　Works　is　on　bored；〃　sez　a　man　with　a　face　like　a
double…breasted　lobster；　〃we're　going　to　hang　Old　Wax　Works！〃

〃My　illustrious　and　patriotic　Bummers！〃　sez　I；　a　gittin　up　and
takin　orf　my　Shappo；　〃if　you　allude　to　A。　Ward；　it's　my
pleasin　dooty　to　inform　you　that　he's　ded。　　He　saw　the　error
of　his　ways　at　15　minutes　parst　2　yesterday；　and　stabbed
hisself　with　a　stuffed　sled…stake；　dyin　in　five　beautiful
tabloos　to　slow　moosic！　　His　last　words　was：　　'My　perfeshernal
career　is　over！　　I　jerk　no　more！'〃

〃And　who　be　you？〃

〃I'm　a　stoodent　in　Senator　Benjamin's　law　offiss。　　I'm　going
up　North　to　steal　some　spoons　and　things　for　the　Southern
Army。〃

This　was　satisfactory　and　the　intossicated　troopers　went　orf。
At　the　next　station　the　pretty　little　Secessher　awoke　and　sed
she　must　git　out　there。　　I　bid　her　a　kind　adoo　and　giv　her　sum
pervisions。　　〃Accept　my　blessin　and　this　hunk　of　ginger　bred！〃
I　sed。　　She　thankt　me　muchly　and　tript　galy　away。　　There's
considerable　human　nater　in　a　man；　and　I'm　afraid　I　shall
allers　giv　aid　and　comfort　to　the　enemy　if　he　cums　to　me　in
the　shape　of　a　nice　young　gal。

At　the　next　station　I　didn't　get　orf　so　easy。　　I　was　dragged
out　of　the　cars　and　rolled　in　the　mud　for　several　minits；　for
the　purpose　of　〃takin　the　conseet　out　of　me；〃　as　a　Secesher
kindly　stated。

I　was　let　up　finally；　when　a　powerful　large　Secesher　came　up
and　embraced　me；　and　to　show　that　he　had　no　hard　feelins　agin
me；　put　his　nose　into　my　mouth。　　I　returned　the　compliment　by
placin　my　stummick　suddenly　agin　his　right　foot；　when　he
kindly　made　a　spittoon　of　his　able…bodied　face。　　Actooated　by
a　desire　to　see　whether　the　Secesher　had　bin　vaxinated　I　then
fastened　my　teeth　onto　his　left　coat…sleeve　and　tore　it　to　the
shoulder。　　We　then　vilently　bunted　out　heads　together　for　a
few　minutes；　danced　around　a　little；　and　sot　down　in　a
mudpuddle。　　We　riz　to　our　feet　agin　and　by　a　sudden　and　adroit
movement　I　placed　my　left　eye　agin　the　Secesher's　fist。　　We
then　rushed　into　each　other's　arms　and　fell　under　a　two…hoss
wagon。　　I　was　very　much　exhaustid　and　didn't　care　about　gettin
up　agin；　but　the　man　sed　he　reckoned　I'd　better；　and　I
conclooded　I　would。　　He　pulled　me　up；　but　I　hadn't　bin　on　my
feet　more'n　two　seconds　afore　the　ground　flew　up　and　hit　me　in
the　hed。　　The　crowd　sed　it　was　high　old　sport；　but　I　couldn't
zackly　see　where　the　lafture　come　in。　　I　riz　and　we　embraced
agin。　　We　careered　madly　to　a　steep　bank；　when　I　got　the　upper
hands　of　my　antaggernist　and　threw　him　into　the　raveen。　　He
fell　about　forty　feet；　striking　a　grindstone　pretty　hard。　　I
understood　he　was　injured。　　I　haven't　heard　from　the
grindstone。

A　man　in　a　cockt　hat　cum　up　and　sed　he　felt　as　though　a
apology　was　doo　me。　　There　was　a　mistake。　　The　crowd　had　taken
me　for　another　man！　　I　told　him　not　to　mention　it；　and　axed
him　if　his　wife　and　little　ones　was　so　as　to　be　about；　and　got
on　bored　the　train；　which　had　stopped　at　that　station　〃20
minits　for　refreshments。〃　　I　got　all　I　wantid。　　It　was　the
hartiest　meal　I　ever　et。

I　was　rid　on　a　rale　the　next　day；　a　bunch　of　blazin　fire
crackers　bein　tied　to　my　coat　tales。　　It　was　a　fine　spectycal
in　a　dramatic　pint　of　view；　but　I　didn't　enjoy　it。　　I　had
other　adventers　of　a　startlin　kind；　but　why　continner？　　Why
lasserate　the　Public　Boozum　with　these　here　things？　　Suffysit
to　say　I　got　across　Mason　&　Dixie's　line　safe　at　last。　　I　made
tracks　for　my　humsted；　but　she　to　whom　I'm　harnist　for　life
failed　to　recognize；　in　the　emashiated　bein　who　stood　b