the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第1章

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The　Complete　Works　of　Artemus　Ward；　Part　2

by　Charles　Farrar　Browne




With　a　biographical　sketch　by　Melville　D。　Landon；　〃Eli　Perkins〃





CONTENTS。

PART　II。

War。

2。1。　　The　Show　is　Confiscated。

2。2。　　Thrilling　Scenes　in　Dixie。

2。3。　　Fourth　of　July　Oration。

2。4。　　The　War　Fever　in　Baldinsville。

2。5。　　A　War　Meeting。

2。6。　　The　Draft　in　Baldinsville。

2。7。　　Surrender　of　Cornwallis。

2。8。　　Things　in　New　York。

2。9。　　Touching　Letter　from　a　Gory　Member　Of　The　Home　Guard

2。10。　　In　Canada。

2。11。　　The　Noble　Red　Man。

2。12。　　Artemus　Ward　in　Richmond。

2。13。　　Artemus　Ward　to　the　Prince　of　Wales。






PART　II。　　WAR。


2。1。　　THE　SHOW　IS　CONFISCATED。

You　hav　perhaps　wondered　wharebouts　I　was　for　these　many　dase
gone　and　past。　　Perchans　you　sposed　I'd　gone　to　the　Tomb　of
the　Cappylets；　tho　I　don't　know　what　those　is。　　It's　a　popler
noospaper　frase。

Listen　to　my　tail；　and　be　silent　that　ye　may　here　I've　been
among　the　Seseshers；　a　earnin　my　daily　peck　by　my　legitimit
perfeshun；　and　havn't　had　no　time　to　weeld　my　facile　quill　for
〃the　Grate　Komick　paper；〃　if　you'll　allow　me　to　kote　from　your
troothful　advertisement。

My　success　was　skaly；　and　I　likewise　had　a　narrer　scape　of　my
life。　　If　what　I've　bin　threw　is　〃Suthren　hosspitality；〃　'bout
which　we've　hearn　so　much；　then　I　feel　bound　to　obsarve　that
they　made　two　much　of　me。　　They　was　altogether　two　lavish　with
their　attenshuns。

I　went　amung　the　Seseshers　with　no　feelins　of　annermosity。　　I
went　in　my　perfeshernal　capacity。　　I　was　actooated　by　one　of
the　most　Loftiest　desires　which　can　swell　the　human　Buzzum；
viz。：to　giv　the　peeple　their　money's　worth；　by　showin　them
Sagashus　Beests；　and　Wax　Statoots；　which　I　venter　to　say　air
onsurpast　by　any　other　statoots　anywheres。　　I　will　not　call
that　man　who　sez　my　statoots　is　humbugs　a　lier　and　a　hoss
thief；　but　bring　him　be4　me　and　I'll　wither　him　with　one　of　my
scornful　frowns。

But　to　proseed　with　my　tail。　　In　my　travels　threw　the　Sonny
South　I　heared　a　heap　of　talk　about　Seceshon　and　bustin　up　the
Union；　but　I　didn't　think　it　mounted　to　nothin。　　The
politicians　in　all　the　villages　was　swearin　that　Old　Abe
（sometimes　called　the　Prahayrie　flower）　shouldn't　never　be
noggerated。　　They　also　made　fools　of　theirselves　in　varis
ways；　but　as　they　was　used　to　that　I　didn't　let　it　worry　me
much；　and　the　Stars　and　Stripes　continued　for　to　wave　over　my
little　tent。　　Moor　over；　I　was　a　Son　of　Malty　and　a　member　of
several　other　Temperance　Societies；　and　my　wife　she　was　a
Dawter　of　Malty；　an　I　sposed　these　fax　would　secoor　me　the
infloonz　and　pertectiun　of　all　the　fust　families。　　Alas！　　I
was　dispinted。　　State　arter　State　seseshed　and　it　growed
hotter　and　hotter　for　the　undersined。　　Things　came　to　a
climbmacks　in　a　small　town　in　Alabamy；　where　I　was　premtorally
ordered　to　haul　down　the　Stars　&　Stripes。　　A　deppytashun　of
red…faced　men　cum　up　to　the　door　of　my　tent　ware　I　was　standin
takin　money　（the　arternoon　exhibishun　had　commenst；　an'　my
Italyun　organist　was　jerkin　his　sole…stirrin　chimes。）　　〃We　air
cum；　Sir；〃　said　a　millingtary　man　in　a　cockt　hat；　〃upon　a　hi
and　holy　mishun。　　The　Southern　Eagle　is　screamin　threwout　this
sunny　landproudly　and　defiantly　screamin；　Sir！〃

〃What's　the　matter　with　him？〃　sez　I；　〃don't　his　vittles　sit
well　on　his　stummick？〃

〃That　Eagle；　Sir；　will　continner　to　scream　all　over　this　Brite
and　tremenjus　land！〃

〃Wall；　let　him　SCREAM。　　If　your　Eagle　can　amuse　hisself　by
screamin；　let　him　went！〃　　The　men　anoyed　me；　for　I　was　Bizzy
makin　change。

〃We　are　cum；　Sir；　upon　a　matter　of　dooty〃

〃You're　right；　Capting。　　It's　every　man's　dooty　to　visit　my
show；〃　said　I。

〃We　air　cum〃

〃And　that's　the　reason　you　are　here！〃　sez　I；　larfin　one　of　my
silvery　larfs。　　I　thawt　if　he　wanted　to　goak　I'd　giv　him　sum
of　my　sparklin　eppygrams。

〃Sir；　you're　inserlent。　　The　plain　question　is；　will　you　haul
down　the　Star…Spangled　Banner；　and　hist　the　Southern　flag！〃

〃Nary　hist！〃　　Those　was　my　reply。

〃Your　wax　works　and　beests　is　then　confisticated；　&　you　air
arrested　as　a　Spy！〃

Sez　I；　〃My　fragrant　roses　of　the　Southern　clime　and　Bloomin
daffodils；　what's　the　price　of　whisky　in　this　town；　and　how
many　cubic　feet　of　that　seductive　flooid　can　you　individooally
hold？〃

They　made　no　reply　to　that；　but　said　my　wax　figgers　was
confisticated。　　I　axed　them　if　that　was　ginerally　the　stile
among　thieves　in　that　country；　to　which　they　also　made　no
reply；　but　said　I　was　arrested　as　a　Spy；　and　must　go　to
Montgomry　in　iuns。　　They　was　by　this　time　jined　by　a　large
crowd　of　other　Southern　patrits；　who　commenst　hollerin　〃Hang
the　baldheaded　aberlitionist；　and　bust　up　his　immoral
exhibition！〃　　I　was　ceased　and　tied　to　a　stump；　and　the　crowd
went　for　my　tentthat　water…proof　pavilion；　wherein
instruction　and　amoosment　had　been　so　muchly　combined；　at　15
cents　per　headand　tore　it　all　to　pieces。　　Meanwhile　dirty…
faced　boys　was　throwin　stuns　and　empty　beer　bottles　at　my
massiv　brow；　and　takin　other　improper　liberties　with　my
person。　　Resistance　was　useless；　for　a　varity　of　reasons；　as　I
readily　obsarved。

The　Seseshers　confisticated　my　statoots　by　smashin　them　to
attums。　　They　then　went　to　my　money　box　and　confisticated　all
the　loose　change　therein　contaned。　　They　then　went　and　bust　in
my　cages；　lettin　all　the　animils　loose；　a　small　but　helthy
tiger　among　the　rest。　　This　tiger　has　a　excentric　way　of
tearin　dogs　to　peaces；　and　I　allers　sposed　from　his　gineral
conduck　that　he'd　hav　no　hesitashun　in　servin　human　beins　in
the　same　way　if　he　could　get　at　them。　　Excuse　me　if　I　was
crooil；　but　I　larfed　boysterrusly　when　I　see　that　tiger　spring
in　among　the　people。　　〃Go　it；　my　sweet　cuss！〃　I　inardly
exclaimed。　　〃I　forgive　you　for　bitin　off　my　left　thum　with　all
my　heart！　　Rip　'em　up　like　a　bully　tiger　whose　Lare　has　bin
inwaded　by　Seseshers！〃

I　can't　say　for　certain　that　the　tiger　serisly　injured　any　of
them；　but　as　he　was　seen　a　few　days　after；　sum　miles　distant；
with　a　large　and　well　selected　assortment　of　seats　of　trowsis
in　his　mouth；　and　as　he　lookt　as　tho　he'd　been　havin　sum
vilent　exercise；　I　rayther　guess　he　did。　　You　will　therefore
perceive　that　they　didn't　confisticate　him　much。

I　was　carried　to　Montgomry　in　iuns　and　placed　in　durans　vial。
The　jail　was　a　ornery　edifiss；　but　the　table　was　librally
surplied　with　Bakin　an　Cabbidge。　　This　was　a　good　variety；　for
when　I　didn't　hanker　after　Bakin　I　could　help　myself　to　the
cabbige。

I　had　nobody　to　talk　to　nor　nothin　to　talk　about；　howsever；
and　I　was　very　lonely；　specially　on　the　first　day；　so　when　the
jailer　parst　my　lonely　sell　I　put　the　few　stray　hairs　on　the
back　part　of　my　hed　（I'm　bald　now；　but　thare　was　a　time　when　I
wore　sweet　auburn　ringlets）　into　as　dish…hevild　a　state　as
possible；　&　rollin　my　eyes　like　a　manyyuck；　I　cride：　　〃Stay；
jaler；　stay！　　I　am　not　mad；　but　soon　shall　be　if　you　don't
bring　me　suthin　to　Talk！〃　　He　brung　me　sum　noospapers；　for
which　I　thanked　him　kindly。

At　larst　I　got　a　interview　with　Jefferson　Davis；　the　President
of　the　Southern　Conthieveracy。　　He　was　quite　perlite；　and　axed
me　to　sit　down　and　state　my　case。　　I　did　it；　when　he　larfed
and　said　his　gallunt　men　had　been　a　little　2　enthoosiastic　in
confisticatin　my　show。

〃Yes；〃　sez　I；　〃they　confisticated　me　too　muchly。　　I　had　sum
hosses　confisticated　in　the　same　way　onct；　but　the
confisticaters　air　now　poundin　stun　in　the　States　Prison　in
Injinnapylus。〃

〃Wall；　wall　Mister　Ward；　you　air　at　liberty　to　depart；　you　air
friendly　to　the　South；　I　know。　　Even　now　we　hav　many　frens　in
the　North；　who　sympathize　with　us；　and　won't　mingle　with　this
fight。〃

〃J。　Davis；　there's　your　grate　mistaik。　　Many　of　us　was　your
sincere　frends；　and　thought　certin　parties　amung　us　was　fussin
about　you　and　meddlin　with　your　consarns　intirely　too　much。
But　J。　Davis；　the　minit　you　fire　a　gun　at　the　piece　of　dry…
goods　called　the　Star…Spangled　Banner；　the　North　gits　up　and
rises　en　massy；　in　defence　of　that　banner。　　Not　agin　you　as
individooals；not　agin　the　South　evenbut　to　save　the　flag。
We　should　indeed　be　weak　in　the　knees；　unsound　in　the　heart；
milk…wh