the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第9章

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mugfuls　would　ordinary　persons。　　And　he　wouldn't　get　intoxicated；
which　is　a　beastly　way　of　amusin　oneself；　I　must　say。　　I　like　a
little　beer　now　and　then；　and　when　the　teetotallers　inform　us；　as
they　frekently　do；　that　it　is　vile　stuff；　and　that　even　the　swine
shrink　from　it；　I　say　it　only　shows　that　the　swine　is　a　ass　who
don't　know　what's　good；　but　to　pour　gin　and　brandy　down　one's
throat　as　freely　as　though　it　were　fresh　milk；　is　the　most
idiotic　way　of　goin'　to　the　devil　that　I　know　of。

I　enjoyed　myself　very　much　lookin　at　the　Egyptian　mummays；　the
Greek　vasis；　etc；　but　it　occurd　to　me　there　was　rayther　too　many
〃Roman　antiquitys　of　a　uncertin　date。〃　　Now；　I　like　the　British
Mooseum；　as　I　said　afore；　but　when　I　see　a　lot　of　erthen　jugs　and
pots　stuck　up　on　shelves；　and　all　〃of　a　uncertin　date；〃　I'm　at　a
loss　to　'zackly　determin　whether　they　are　a　thousand　years　old　or
was　bought　recent。　　I　can　cry　like　a　child　over　a　jug　one
thousand　years　of　age；　especially　if　it　is　a　Roman　jug；　but　a　jug
of　a　uncertin　date　doesn't　overwhelm　me　with　emotions。　　Jugs　and
pots　of　a　uncertin　age　is　doubtles　vallyable　property；　but；　like
the　debentures　of　the　London；　Chatham；　and　Dover　Railway；　a　man
doesn't　want　too　many　of　them。

I　was　debarred　out　of　the　great　readin…room。　　A　man　told　me　I
must　apply　by　letter　for　admission；　and　that　I　must　get　somebody
to　testify　that　I　was　respectable。　　I'm　a　little　'fraid　I
shan't　get　in　there。　　Seein　a　elderly　gentleman；　with　a
beneverlent…lookin　face　near　by；　I　venturd　to　ask　him　if　he　would
certifythat　I　was　respectable。　　He　said　he　certainly　would　not；
but　he　would　put　me　in　charge　of　a　policeman；　if　that　would　do　me
any　good。　　A　thought　struck　me。　　〃I　refer　you　to　'Mr。　Punch'；〃　I
said。

〃Well；〃　said　a　man；　who　had　listened　to　my　application；　〃you　HAVE
done　it　now！　　You　stood　some　chance　before。〃

I　will　get　this　infamus　wretch's　name　before　you　go　to　press；　so
you　can　denounce　him　in　the　present　number　of　your　excellent
journal。

The　statute　of　Apollo　is　a　pretty　slick　statute。　　A　young　yeoman
seemed　deeply　imprest　with　it。　　He　viewd　it　with　silent
admiration。　　At　home；　in　the　beautiful　rural　districks　where　the
daisy　sweetly　blooms；　he　would　be　swearin　in　a　horrible　manner　at
his　bullocks；　and　whacking　'em　over　the　head　with　a　hayfork；　but
here；　in　the　presence　of　Art；　he　is　a　changed　bein。

I　told　the　attendant　that　if　the　British　nation　would　stand　the
expens　of　a　marble　bust　of　myself；　I　would　willingly　sit　to　some
talented　sculpist。

〃I　feel；〃　I　said；　〃that　this　is　a　dooty　I　owe　to　posterity。〃

He　said　it　was　hily　prob'l；　but　he　was　inclined　to　think　that　the
British　nation　wouldn't　care　to　enrich　the　Mooseum　with　a　bust　of
me；　altho'　he　venturd　to　think　that　if　I　paid　for　one　myself　it
would　be　accepted　cheerfully　by　Madam　Tussaud；　who　would　give　it
a　prom'nent　position　in　her　Chamber　of　Horrers。　The　young　man　was
very　polite；　and　I　thankt　him　kindly。

After　visitin　the　Refreshment　room　and　partakin　of　half　a　chicken
〃of　a　uncertin　age；〃　like　the　Roman　antiquitys　I　have　previsly
spoken　of；　I　prepared　to　leave。　　As　I　passed　through　the　animal
room　I　observed　with　pane　that　a　benevolint　person　was　urgin　the
stufft　elephant　to　accept　a　cold　muffin；　but　I　did　not　feel
called　on　to　remostrate　with　him；　any　more　than　I　did　with　two
young　persons　of　diff'rent　sexes　who　had　retired　behind　the
Rynosserhoss　to　squeeze　each　other's　hands。　　In　fack；　I　rayther
approved　of　the　latter　proceedin；　for　it　carrid　me　back　to　the
sunny　spring…time　of　MY　life。　　I'm　in　the　shear　and　yeller　leaf
now；　but　I　don't　forgit　the　time　when　to　squeeze　my　Betsy's　hand
sent　a　thrill　through　me　like　fellin　off　the　roof　of　a　two…story
house；　and　I　never　squozed　that　gentle　hand　without　wantin　to　do
so　some　more；　and　feelin　that　it　did　me　good。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Trooly　yours；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。







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