the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第6章

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certingly　none　of　the　best。

The　Sloshers　crowded　round　me；　and　said　I　was　welcome。

〃What　a　beautiful　brest…pin　you've　got；〃　said　one　of　'em。
〃Permit　me；〃　and　he　took　it　out　of　my　neckercher。　　〃Isn't　it
luvly；〃　he　said；　parsin　it　to　another；　who　parsed　it　to　another。

It　was　given　me　by　my　Aunt；　on　my　promisin　her　I'd　never　swear
profanely；　and　I　never　have；　except　on　very　special　occasions。　　I
see　that　beautiful　boosum　pin　a　parsin　from　one　Slosher　to
another；　and　I'm　reminded　of　them　sad　words　of　the　poit；　〃parsin
away！　parsin　away！〃　　I　never　saw　it　no　more。

Then　in　comes　a　athletic　female；　who　no　sooner　sees　me　than　she
utters　a　wild　yell；　and　cries：

〃At　larst！　at　larst！　　My　Wilyim；　from　the　seas！〃

I　said；　〃not　at　all；　Marm。　　Not　on　no　account。　　I　have　heard　the
boatswain　pipe　to　quartersbut　a　voice　in　my　heart　didn't
whisper　Seu…zan！　　I've　belayed　the　marlin…spikes　on　the　upper
jibpoop；　but　Seu…zan's　eye　wasn't　on　me；　much。　　Young　woman；　I
am　not　you're　Saler　boy。　　Far　different。〃

〃Oh　yes；　you　are！〃　she　howled；　seizin　me　round　the　neck。　　〃Oh；
how　I've　lookt　forwards　to　this　meetin！〃

〃And　you'll　presently；〃　I　said；　〃have　a　opportunity　of　lookin
backwards　to　it；　because　I'm　on　the　point　of　leavin　this
institution。〃

I　will　here　observe　that　I　come　of　a　very　clever　family。　　A　very
clever　fam'ly；　indeed。

〃Where；〃　I　cried；　as　I　struggled　in　vain　to　release　myself　from
the　eccentric　female's　claws；　〃where　is　the　Captingthe　man　who
was　into　the　Crimea；　amidst　the　cannon's　thunder？　　I　want　him。〃

He　came　forward；　and　cried；　〃What　do　I　see？　　Me　Sister！　me　sweet
Adulaide！　and　in　teers！　　Willin！〃　he　screamed；　〃and　you're　the
serpent　I　took　to　my　boosum；　and　borrowed　money　of；　and　went
round　with；　and　was　cheerful　with；　are　you？You　ought　to　be
ashamed　of　yourself。〃

Somehow　my　coat　was　jerked　off；　the　brest…pocket　of　which
contained　my　pocket…book；　and　it　parsed　away　like　the　brest　pin。
Then　they　sorter　quietly　hustled　me　into　the　street。

It　was　about　12　at　night　when　I　reached　the　Green　Lion。

〃Ha！　ha！　you　sly　old　rascal；　you've　been　up　to　larks！〃　said　the
lan'lord；　larfin　loudly；　and　digging　his　fist　into　my　ribs。

I　said；　〃Bigsby；　if　you　do　that　agin；　I　shall　hit　you！　　Much　as　I
respect　you　and　your　excellent　faml'y；　I　shall　disfiger　your
beneverlent　countenance　for　life！〃

〃What　has　ruffled　your　spirits；　friend？〃　said　the　lan'lord。

〃My　spirits　has　been　ruffled；〃　I　ansered　in　a　bittur　voice；　〃by　a
viper　who　was　into　the　Crimea。　　What　good　was　it；〃　I　cried；　〃for
Sebastopol　to　fall　down　without　enwelopin　in　its　ruins　that
viper？〃

I　then　went　to　bed。　　I　come　of　a　very　clever　fam'ly。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。6。　　THE　TOWER　OF　LONDON。

MR。　PUNCH；　My　dear　Sir；I　skurcely　need　inform　you　that　your
excellent　Tower　is　very　pop'lar　with　peple　from　the　agricultooral
districks；　and　it　was　chiefly　them　class　which　I　found　waitin　at
the　gates　the　other　mornin。

I　saw　at　once　that　the　Tower　was　established　on　a　firm　basis。　　In
the　entire　history　of　firm　basisis　I　don't　find　a　basis　more
firmer　than　this　one。

〃You　have　no　Tower　in　America？〃　said　a　man　in　the　crowd；　who　had
somehow　detected　my　denomination。

〃Alars！　no；〃　I　ansered；　〃we　boste　of　our　enterprise　and
improvements；　and　yit　we　are　devoid　of　a　Tower。　　America；　oh　my
onhappy　country！　thou　hast　not　got　no　Tower！　　It's　a　sweet　Boon。〃

The　gates　was　opened　after　awhile；　and　we　all　purchist　tickets
and　went　into　a　waitin…room。

〃My　frens；〃　said　a　pale…faced　little　man；　in　black　close；　〃this
is　a　sad　day。〃

〃Inasmuch　as　to　how？〃　I　said。

〃I　mean　it　is　sad　to　think　that　so　many　peple　have　been　killed
within　these　gloomy　walls。　　My　frens；　let　us　drop　a　tear！〃

〃No；〃　I　said；　〃you　must　excuse　me。　　Others　may　drop　one　if　they
feel　like　it；　but　as　for　me；　I　decline。　　The　early　managers　of
this　institootion　were　a　bad　lot；　and　their　crimes　were　trooly
orful；　but　I　can't　sob　for　those　who　died　four　or　five　hundred
years　ago。　　If　they　was　my　own　relations　I　couldn't。　　It's　absurd
to　shed　sobs　over　things　which　occurd　during　the　rain　of　Henry
the　Three。　　Let　us　be　cheerful；〃　I　continnerd　〃Look　at　the　festiv
Warders；　in　their　red　flannil　jackets。　　They　are　cheerful；　and
why　should　it　not　be　thusly　with　us？〃

A　Warder　now　took　us　in　charge；　and　showed　us　the　Trater's　Gate；
the　armers；　and　things。　　The　Trater's　Gate　is　wide　enuff　to　admit
about　twenty　trater's　abrest；　I　should　jedge；　but　beyond　this；　I
couldn't　see　that　it　was　superior　to　gates　in　gen'ral。

Traters；　I　will　here　remark；　are　a　onfortnit　class　of　peple。　　If
they　wasn't；　they　wouldn't　be　traters。　　They　conspire　to　bust　up
a　countrythey　fail；　and　they're　traters。　　They　bust　her；　and
they　become　statesmen　and　heroes。

Take　the　case　of　Gloster；　afterwards　Old　Dick　the　Three；　who　may
be　seen　at　the　Tower；　on　horseback；　in　a　heavy　tin　overcoattake
Mr。　Gloster's　case。　Mr。　G。　was　a　conspirater　of　the　basist　dye；
and　if　he'd　failed；　he　would　have　been　hung　on　a　sour　apple　tree。
But　Mr。　G。　succeeded；　and　became　great。　　He　was　slewd　by　Col。
Richmond；　but　he　lives　in　histry；　and　his　equestrian　figger　may
be　seen　daily　for　a　sixpence；　in　conjunction　with　other　em'nent
persons；　and　no　extra　charge　for　the　Warder's　able　and　bootiful
lectur。

There's　one　king　in　the　room　who　is　mounted　onto　a　foamin　steed；
his　right　hand　graspin　a　barber's　pole。　　I　didn't　learn　his　name。

The　room　where　the　daggers　and　pistils　and　other　weppins　is　kept
is　interestin。　　Among　this　collection　of　choice　cutlery　I　notist
the　bow　and　arrer　which　those　hot…heded　old　chaps　used　to　conduct
battles　with。　　It　is　quite　like　the　bow　and　arrer　used　at　this
day　by　certin　tribes　of　American　Injuns；　and　they　shoot　'em　off
with　such　a　excellent　precision　that　I　almost　sigh'd　to　be　a
Injun；　when　I　was　in　the　Rocky　Mountain　regin。　　They　are　a
pleasant　lot　them　Injuns。　　Mr。　Cooper　and　Dr。　Catlin　have　told　us
of　the　red　man's　wonerful　eloquence；　and　I　found　it　so。　　Our
party　was　stopt　on　the　plains　of　Utah　by　a　band　of　Shoshones；
whose　chief　said：

　〃Brothers！　the　pale…face　is　welcome。　　Brothers！　the　sun　is
sinkin　in　the　West；　and　Wa…na…bucky…she　will　soon　cease　speakin。
Brothers！　the　poor　red　man　belongs　to　a　race　which　is　fast
becomin　extink。〃

He　then　whooped　in　a　shrill　manner；　stole　all　our　blankets　and
whisky；　and　fled　to　the　primeval　forest　to　conceal　his　emotions。

I　will　remark　here；　while　on　the　subjeck　of　Injuns；　that　they　are
in　the　main　a　very　shaky　set；　with　even　less　sense　than　the
Fenians；　and　when　I　hear　philanthropists　bewailin　the　fack　that
every　year　〃carries　the　noble　red　man　nearer　the　settin　sun；〃　I
simply　have　to　say　I'm　glad　of　it；　tho'　it　is　rough　on　the　settin
sun。　　They　call　you　by　the　sweet　name　of　Brother　one　minit；　and
the　next　they　scalp　you　with　their　Thomashawks。　　But　I　wander。
Let　us　return　to　the　Tower。

At　one　end　of　the　room　where　the　weppins　is　kept；　is　a　wax　figger
of　Queen　Elizabeth；　mounted　on　a　fiery　stuffed　hoss；　whose　glass
eye　flashes　with　pride；　and　whose　red　morocker　nostril　dilates
hawtily；　as　if　conscious　of　the　royal　burden　he　bears。　　I　have
associated　Elizabeth　with　the　Spanish　Armady。　　She's　mixed　up
with　it　at　the　Surry　Theatre；　where　〃Troo　to　the　Core〃　is　bein
acted；　and　in　which　a　full　bally　core　is　introjooced　on　board　the
Spanish　Admiral's　ship；　givin　the　audiens　the　idee　that　he
intends　openin　a　moosic…hall　in　Plymouth　the　moment　he　conkers
that　town。　　But　a　very　interesting　drammer　is　〃Troo　to　the　Core；〃
notwithstandin　the　eccentric　conduck　of　the　Spanish　Admiral；　and
very　nice　it　is　in　Queen　Elizabeth　to　make　Martin　Truegold　a
baronet。

The　Warder　shows　us　some　instrooments　of　tortur；　such　as
thumbscrews；　throat…collars；　etc。；　statin　that　these　was　conkerd
from　the　Spanish　Armady；　and　addin　what　a　crooil　peple　the
Spaniards　was　in　them　dayswhich　elissited　from　a　bright　eyed
little　girl　of　about　twelve　summers　the　remark　that　she　tho't　it
WAS　rich　to　talk　about　the　crooilty　of　the　Spaniards　usin
thumbscrews；　when　we　was　in　a　Tower　where　so　many　poor　pepl's
heads　had　been　cut　off。　　This　made　the　Warder　stammer　and　turn