the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第5章
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soar and the soarer you get the more we shall all be gratified！
That's so。〃
My young readers； who wish to know about Shakspeare； better get
these vallyable remarks framed。
I returned to the hotel。 Meetin a young married couple； they
asked me if I could direct them to the hotel which Washington
Irving used to keep？
〃I've understood that he was onsuccessful as a lan'lord；〃 said
the lady。
〃We've understood；〃 said the young man； 〃that he busted up。〃
I told 'em I was a stranger； and hurried away。 They were from my
country； and ondoubtedly represented a thrifty Ile well somewhere
in Pennsylvany。 It's a common thing； by the way； for a old farmer
in Pennsylvany to wake up some mornin' and find ile squirtin all
around his back yard。 He sells out for 'normous price； and his
children put on gorgeous harness and start on a tower to astonish
people。 They succeed in doin it。 Meantime the Ile squirts and
squirts； and Time rolls on。 Let it roll。
A very nice old town is Stratford； and a capital inn is the Red
Horse。 Every admirer of the great S。 must go there once
certinly； and to say one isn't a admirer of him； is equv'lent to
sayin one has jest about brains enough to become a efficient
tinker。
Some kind person has sent me Chawcer's 〃poems。〃 Mr。 C。 had
talent； but he couldn't spel。 No man has a right to be a
lit'rary man onless he knows how to spel。 It is a pity that
Chawcer； who had geneyus； was so unedicated。 He's the wuss
speller I know of。
I guess I'm through； and so I lay down the pen； which is more
mightier than the sword； but which I'm fraid would stand a
rayther slim chance beside the needle gun。
Adoo！ Adoo！
Artemus Ward。
5。5。 IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB。
MR。 PUNCH； My dear Sir；It is seldim that the Commercial
relations between Great Britain and the United States is mar'd
by Games。
It is Commerce after all； which will keep the two countries
friendly to'ards each other rather than statesmen。
I look at your last Parliament； and I can't see that a single
speech was encored during the entire session。
Look at Congressbut no； I'd rather not look at Congress。
Entertainin this great regard for Commerce； 〃whose sales whiten
every sea；〃 as everybody happily observes every chance he gets； I
learn with disgust and surprise that a British subjeck bo't a
Barril of Apple Sass in America recently； and when he arrove home
he found under a few deloosiv layers of sass nothin but sawdust。
I should have instintly gone into the City and called a meetin of
the leadin commercial men to condemn and repudiate； as a
American； this gross frawd； if I hadn't learned at the same time
that the draft given by the British subjeck in payment for this
frawdylent sass was drawed onto a Bankin House in London which
doesn't have a existance； but far otherwise； and never did。
There is those who larf at these things； but to me they merit
rebooks and frowns。
With the exception of my Uncle Wilyimwho； as I've before
stated； is a uncle by marrige only； who is a low cuss and filled
his coat pockets with pies and biled eggs at his weddin
breakfast； given to him by my father； and made the clergyman as
united him a present of my father's new overcoat； and when my
father on discoverin' it got in a rage and denounced him； Uncle
Wilyim said the old man （meanin my parent） hadn't any idee of
first class Humer！with the exception of this wretched Uncle the
escutchin of my fam'ly has never been stained by Games。 The
little harmless deceptions I resort to in my perfeshion I do not
call Games。 They are sacrifisses to Art。
I come of a very clever fam'ly。
The Wards is a very clever fam'ly indeed。
I believe we are descendid from the Puritins； who nobly fled from
a land of despitism to a land of freedim； where they could not
only enjoy their own religion； but prevent everybody else from
enjoyin HIS。
As I said before； we are a very clever fam'ly。
I was strolling up Regent Street the other day； thinkin what a
clever fam'ly I come of； and looking at the gay shop…winders。
I've got some new close since you last saw me。 I saw them others
wouldn't do。 They carrid the observer too far back into the dim
vister of the past； and I gave 'em to a Orfun Asylum。 The close
I wear now I bo't of Mr。 Moses； in the Commercial Road。 They was
expressly made； Mr。 Moses inforemd me； for a nobleman； but as
they fitted him too muchly； partic'ly the trows'rs （which is
blue； with large red and white checks） he had said：
〃My dear feller； make me some more； only mindbe sure you sell
these to some genteel old feller。〃
I like to saunter thro' Regent Street。 The shops are pretty； and
it does the old man's hart good to see the troops of fine healthy
girls which one may always see there at certain hours in the
afternoon； who don't spile their beauty by devourin cakes and
sugar things； as too many of the American and French lasses do。
It's a mistake about everybody being out of town； I guess。
Regent Street is full。 I'm here； and as I said before； I come of
a very clever fam'ly。
As I was walkin along； amoosin myself by stickin my penknife into
the calves of the footmen who stood waitin by the swell…coaches
（not one of whom howled with angwish）； I was accosted by a man of
about thirty…five summers； who said； 〃I have seen that face
somewheres afore！〃
He was a little shabby in his wearin apparil。 His coat was one
of those black； shiny garments； which you can always tell have
been burnished by adversity； but he was very gentlemanly。
〃Was it in the Crimea； comrade？ Yes； it was。 It was at the
stormin of Sebastopol； where I had a narrow escape from death；
that we met。〃
I said； 〃No； I wasn't at Sebastopol； I escaped a fatal wound by
not bein there。 It was a healthy old fortress；〃 I added。
〃It was。 But it fell。 It came down with a crash。〃
〃And plucky boys they was who brought her down；〃 I added； 〃and
hurrah for 'em！〃
The man graspt me warmly by the hand； and said he had been in
America； Upper Canada； Africa； Asia Minor； and other towns； and
he'd never met a man he liked as much as he did me。
〃Let us；〃 he added； 〃let us to the shrine of Bachus！〃
And he dragged me into a public house。 I was determined to pay；
so I said； 〃Mr。 Bachus； giv this gen'l'man what he calls for。〃
We conversed there in a very pleasant manner till my dinner…time
arrove； when the agreeable gentleman insisted that I should dine
with him。 〃We'll have a banquet； Sir； fit for the gods！〃
I told him good plain vittles would soot me。 If the gods wanted
to have the dispepsy； they was welcome to it。
We had soop and fish； and a hot jint； and growsis； and wines of
rare and costly vintige。 We had ices； and we had froots from
Greenland's icy mountins and Injy's coral strands； and when the
sumptoous reparst was over； the agree'ble man said he'd
unfortnitly left his pocket…book at home on the marble centre…
table。
〃But； by Jove！〃 he said； 〃it was a feast fit for the gods！〃
I said； 〃Oh； never mind；〃 and drew out my puss； tho' I in'ardly
wished the gods； as the dinner was fit for 'em； was there to pay
for it。
I come of a very clever fam'ly。
The agree'ble gentleman then said； 〃Now； I will show you our
Club。 It dates back to the time of William the Conquerer。〃
〃Did Bill belong to it？〃 I inquired。
〃He did。〃
〃Wall；〃 I said； 〃if Billy was one of 'em； I need no other
endorsement as to its respectfulness； and I'll go with you； my
gay trooper boy！〃 And we went off arm…in…arm。
On the way the agree'ble man told me that the Club was called the
Sloshers。 He said I would notice that none of 'em appeared in
evenin dress。 He said it was agin the rools of the club。 In
fack； if any member appeared there in evenin dress he'd be
instantly expeld。 〃And yit；〃 he added； 〃there's geneyus there；
and lorfty emotions； and intelleck。 You'll be surprised at the
quantities of intelleck you'll see there。〃
We reached the Sloshers in due time； and I must say they was a
shaky…looking lot； and the public house where they convened was
certingly none of the best。
The Sloshers crowded
