the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第4章
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round on the peple； 〃because if he don't there'll be a punched
'ed to be seen at the Green Lion； where I don't want no more of
this everlastin nonsens。 I'LL talk through 'im！ Here's a
sperrit；〃 said the lan'lord； a smile once more beamin on his
face； 〃which will talk through him like a Dutch father！ I'm the
sperrit for you； young feller！〃
〃You're a helthy old sperret；〃 I remarkt； and then I saw the
necessity of gettin him out of the hall。 The wimin was yellin
and screaming； and the men was hollerin' perlice。 A perliceman
really came and collerd my fat fren。
〃It's only a fit； Sir Richard；〃 I said。 I always call the
perlice Sir Richard。 It pleases them to think I'm the victim of
a deloosion； and they always treat me perlitely。 This one did；
certainly； for he let us go。 We saw no more of the Trans…Mejim。
It's diffikilt； of course； to say how long these noosances will
be allowed to prowl round。 I should say； however； if pressed for
a answer that they will prob'ly continner on jest about as long
as they can find peple to lis'en to 'em。 Am I right？
Yours； faithfull；
Artemus Ward。
5。4。 AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE。
Mr。 Punch； My dear Sir；I've been lingerin by the Tomb of the
lamentid Shakspeare。
It is a success。
I do not hes'tate to pronounce it as such。
You may make any use of this opinion that you see fit。 If you
think its publication will subswerve the cause of litteraoor； you
may publicate it。
I told my wife Betsy when I left home that I should go to the
birthplace of the orthur of 〃Otheller〃 and other Plays。 She said
that as long as I kept out of Newgate she didn't care where I
went。
〃But；〃 I said； 〃don't you know he was the greatest Poit that ever
lived？ Not one of these common poits； like that young idyit who
writes verses to our daughter； about the Roses as growses； and
the Breezes as blowsesbut a Boss Poitalso a philosopher； also
a man who knew a great deal about everything。〃
She was packing my things at the time； and the only answer she
made was to ask me if I was goin to carry both of my red flannel
night…caps。
Yes。 I've been to Stratford onto the Avon； the Birthplace of
Shakspeare。 Mr。 S。 is now no more。 He's been dead over three
hundred （300） years。 The peple of his native town are justly
proud of him。 They cherish his mem'ry； and them as sell pictures
of his birthplace； &c。； make it prof'tible cherishin it。 Almost
everybody buys a pictur to put into their Albiom。
As I stood gazing on the spot where Shakspeare is s'posed to have
fell down on the ice and hurt hisself when a boy； （this spot
cannot be boughtthe town authorities say it shall never be
taken from Stratford）； I wondered if three hundred years hence
picturs of MY birthplace will be in demand？ Will the peple of my
native town be proud of me in three hundred years？ I guess they
won't short of that time because they say the fat man weighing
1000 pounds which I exhibited there was stuffed out with pillers
and cushions； which he said one very hot day in July； 〃Oh bother；
I can't stand this；〃 and commenced pullin the pillers out from
under his weskit； and heavin 'em at the audience。 I never saw a
man lose flesh so fast in my life。 The audience said I was a
pretty man to come chiselin my own townsmen in that way。 I said；
〃Do not be angry； feller…citizens。 I exhibited him simply as a
work of art。 I simply wished to show you that a man could grow
fat without the aid of cod…liver oil。〃 But they wouldn't listen
to me。 They are a low and grovelin set of peple； who excite a
feelin of loathin in every brest where lorfty emotions and
original idees have a bidin place。
I stopped at Leamington a few minits on my way to Stratford onto
the Avon； and a very beautiful town it is。 I went into a shoe
shop to make a purchis； and as I entered I saw over the door
those dear familiar words； 〃By Appintment： H。R。H。；〃 and I said
to the man； 〃Squire； excuse me； but this is too much。 I have
seen in London four hundred boot and shoe shops by Appintment：
H。R。H。； and now YOU'RE at it。 It is simply onpossible that the
Prince can wear 400 pairs of boots。 Don't tell me；〃 I said； in a
voice choked with emotion〃Oh； do not tell me that you also make
boots for him。 Say slipperssay that you mend a boot now and
then for him； but do not tell me that you make 'em reg'lar for
him。〃
The man smilt； and said I didn't understand these things。 He
said I perhaps had not noticed in London that dealers in all
sorts of articles was By Appintment。 I said； 〃Oh； HADN'T I？〃
Then a sudden thought flasht over me。 〃I have it！〃 I said。
〃When the Prince walks through a street； he no doubt looks at the
shop windows。〃
The man said； 〃No doubt。〃
〃And the enterprisin tradesman；〃 I continnerd； 〃the moment the
Prince gets out of sight； rushes frantically and has a tin sign
painted； By Appintment； H。R。H。！ It is a beautiful； a great
idee！〃
I then bought a pair of shoe strings； and wringin the shopman's
honest hand； I started for the Tomb of Shakspeare in a hired fly。
It look't however more like a spider。
〃And this；〃 I said； as I stood in the old church…yard at
Stratford； beside a Tombstone； 〃this marks the spot where lies
William W。 Shakspeare。 Alars！ and this is the spot where〃
〃You've got the wrong grave；〃 said a mana worthy villager：
〃Shakspeare is buried inside the church。〃
〃Oh；〃 I said； 〃a boy told me this was it。〃 The boy larfed and
put the shillin I'd given him onto his left eye in a inglorious
manner； and commenced moving backwards towards the street。
I pursood and captered him； and after talking to him a spell in a
skarcastic stile； I let him went。
The old church was damp and chill。 It was rainin。 The only
persons there when I entered was a fine bluff old gentleman who
was talking in a excited manner to a fashnibly dressed young man。
〃No； Earnest Montresser；〃 the old gentleman said； 〃it is idle to
pursoo this subjeck no further。 You can never marry my daughter。
You were seen last Monday in Piccadilly without a umbreller！ I
said then； as I say now； any young man as venturs out in a
uncertain climit like this without a umbreller； lacks foresight；
caution； strength of mind and stability； and he is not a proper
person to intrust a daughter's happiness to。〃
I slapt the old gentleman on the shoulder； and I said： 〃You're
right！ You're one of those kind of men； you are〃
He wheeled suddenly round； and in a indignant voice； said； 〃Go
waygo way！ This is a privit intervoo。〃
I didn't stop to enrich the old gentleman's mind with my
conversation。 I sort of inferred that he wasn't inclined to
listen to me； and so I went on。 But he was right about the
umbreller。 I'm really delighted with this grand old country；
〃Mr。 Punch；〃 but you must admit that it does rain rayther
numerously here。 Whether this is owing to a monerkal form of
gov'ment or not I leave all candid and onprejudiced persons to
say。
William Shakspeare was born in Stratford in 1564。 All the
commentaters； Shaksperian scholars； etsetry； are agreed on this；
which is about the only thing they are agreed on in regard to
him； except that his mantle hasn't fallen onto any poet or
dramatist hard enough to hurt said poet or dramatist MUCH。 And
there is no doubt if these commentaters and persons continner
investigating Shakspeare's career； we shall not； in doo time；
know anything about it at all。
When a mere lad little William attended the Grammar School；
because； as he said； the Grammar School wouldn't attend him。
This remarkable remark； comin from one so young and inexperunced；
set peple to thinkin there might be somethin in this lad。 He
subsequently wrote 〃Hamlet〃 and 〃George Barnwell。〃 When his kind
teacher went to London to accept a position in the offices of the
Metropolitan Railway； little William was chosen by his fellow
pupils to deliver a farewell address。
〃Go on； Sir；〃 he said； 〃in a glorus career。 Be like a eagle； and
soar and the soarer you get the more we shall all be gratified！
That's so。〃
My young readers； who wish to know about Shakspeare； bette
