the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第3章
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a first…class carriage； the sole ockepant of which was a rayther
prepossessin' female of about 30 summers。
〃No； I thank you；〃 I earnestly replied； 〃I prefer to walk。〃
I am； dear Sir；
Very respectivly yours；
Artemus WArd。
5。3。 THE GREEN LION AND OLIVER CROMWELL。
MR。 PUNCH： My Dear Sir；It is now two weeks since a rayther
strange lookin man engaged 'partments at the Green Lion。 He
stated he was from the celebrated United States； but beyond this
he said nothin。 He seem'd to prefer sollytood。 He remained
mostly in his room； and whenever he did show hisself he walkt in
a moody and morose manner in the garding； with his hed bowed down
and his arms foldid across his brest。 He reminded me sumwhat of
the celebrated but onhappy 〃Mr。 Haller；〃 in the cheerful play of
〃The Stranger。〃 This man puzzled me。 I'd been puzzled afore
several times； but never so severally as now。 Mine Ost of the
Greenlion said I must interregate this strange bein； who claimed
to be my countryman。
〃He hasn't called for a drop of beer since he's been in this ere
Ouse；〃 said the landlord。 〃I look to you；〃 he added； 〃to clear
up this dark； this orful mistry！〃
I wringed the lan'lord's honest hand； and told him to consider
the mistry cleared up。
I gained axes to the misterus bein's room； and by talkin sweet to
him for a few minits； I found out who he was。 Then returnin to
the lan'lord； who was nervisly pacin up and down the bar； I said；
〃Sweet ROLANDO； don't tremble no more！ I've torn the marsk from
the hawty stranger's face； and dived into the recesses of his
inmost sole！ He's a Trans…Mejim。〃
I'd been to the Beefanham theatre the previs evenin； and probly
the drammer I saw affected me； because I'm not in the habit of
goin on as per above。 I like the Beefanham theatre very much
indeed； because there a enthoosiastic lover of the theatre like
myself can unite the legitermit drammer with fish。 Thus； while
your enrapterd soul drinks in the lorfty and noble sentences of
the gifted artists； you can eat a biled mack'ril jest as
comfor'bly as in your own house。 I felt constrained； however； to
tell a fond mother who sot immegitly behind me； and who was
accompanied by a gin bottle； and a young infantI felt
constrained to tell that mother； when her infant playfully
mingled a rayther oily mack'ril with the little hair which is
left on my vener'ble hed； that I had a bottle of scented hair oil
at home； which on the whole I tho't I preferred to that which her
orfspring was greasin me with。 This riled the excellent feamale；
and she said：
〃Git out！ You never was a infank yourself； I spose！ Oh no！ You
was too good to be a infank； you was！ You slid into the world
all ready grow'd； didn't you？ Git out！〃
〃No； Madam；〃 I replied； 〃I too was once a infant！ I was a luvly
child。 People used to come in large and enthoosiastic crowds
from all parts of the country to see me； I was such a sweet and
intel'gent infant。 The excitement was so intens； in fack； that a
extra hotel was startid in the town to accomodate the peple who
thronged to my cradle。〃 Havin finished these troothful
statemints； I smilt sweetly on the worthy female。 She said：
〃Drat you； what do you come a…chaffin me for？〃 and the estymible
woman was really gettin furis； when I mollyfied her by praisin
her child； and by axin pardin for all I'd said。
〃This little gal；〃 I observed； 〃this surprisingly lively gal
when〃 the mother said；
〃It's t'other sect is he； Sir： it's a boy。〃
〃Wall；〃 I said； 〃then this little boy； whose eye is like a eagle
a…soaring proudly in the azure sky； will some day be a man； if he
don't choke hisself to death in childhood's sunny hours with a
smelt or a bloater； or some other drefful calamity。 How surblime
the tho't； my dear Madam； that this infant as you fondle on your
knee on this night； may grow up into a free and independent
citizen； whose vote will be worth from ten to fifteen pounds；
accordin as suffrage may range at that joyous perid！〃
Let us now return； jentle reader； to the lan'lord of the Green
Lion； who we left in the bar in a state of anxiety and perspire。
Rubbin his hot face with a red handkercher； he said； 〃Is the
strange bein a American？〃
〃He is。〃
〃A Gen'ral？〃
〃No。〃
〃A Colonial？〃
〃No。〃
〃A Majer？〃
〃Not a Majer。〃
〃A Capting？〃
〃He is not。〃
〃A leftenant？〃
〃Not even that。〃
〃Then；〃 said the lan'lord of the Green Lion； 〃you ar deceeved！
He is no countryman of yours。〃
〃Why not？〃 I said。
〃I will tell you； Sir；〃 said the lan'lord。 〃My son…in…law is
employed in a bankin house where ev'ry American as comes to these
shores goes to git his drafts casht； and he says that not one has
arrived on these shores during the last 18 months as wasn't a
Gen'ral； a Colonial； a Majer； a Capting； or a leftenant！ This
man； as I said afore； has deceeved you！ He's a imposture！〃
I reeled into a chair。 For a minit I was speechlis。 At length I
murmured； 〃Alars！ I fear it is too troo！ Even I was a Capting
of the Home Gards。〃
〃To be sure；〃 said the lan'lord； 〃you all do it over there。〃
〃Wall；〃 I said； 〃whatever nation this person belongs to； we may
as well go and hear him lectur this evenin。 He is one of these
spirit fellershe is a Trans…Mejim； and when he slings himself
into a trans…state he says the sperits of departed great men talk
through him。 He says that to…night sev'ril em'nent persons will
speak through himamong others； Cromwell。〃
〃And this Mr。 Cromwellis he dead？〃 said the lan'lord。
I told him that Oliver was no more。
〃It's a umbug；〃 said the lan'lord； to which I replied that we'd
best go and see； and we went。 We was late； on account of the
lan'lord's extensiv acquaintans with the public house keepers
along the road； and the hall was some two miles distant； but we
got there at last。 The hall was about half full； and the Mejim
was just then assumin' to be Benjamin Franklin； who was speakin
about the Atlantic Cable。
He said the Cable was really a merrytorious affair； and that
messiges could be sent to America； and there was no doubt about
their gettin there in the course of a week or two； which he said
was a beautiful idear； and much quicker than by steamer or
canal…boat。 It struck me that if this was Franklin a spiritooal
life hadn't improved the old gentleman's intellecks particly。
The audiens was mostly composed of rayther pale peple； whose eyes
I tho't rolled round in a somewhat wild manner。 But they was
well…behaved； and the females kept saying； 〃How beautiful！ What
a surblime thing it is；〃 et cetry； et cetry。 Among the females
was one who was a fair and rosy young woman。 She sot on the same
seat we did； and the lan'lord of the Green Lion； whose frekent
intervoos with other lan'lords that evenin had been too much for
him； fastened his left eye on the fair and rosy young person； and
smilin lovinly upon her； said：
〃You may give me； my dear； four…penny…worth of gincold gin。 I
take it cold； because〃
There was cries of 〃Silence！ Shame！ Put him out！ The Skoffer！〃
〃Ain't we at the Spotted Boar？〃 the lan'lord hoarsely whispered。
〃No；〃 I answered。 〃It's another kind of bore。 Lis'en。 Cromwell
is goin' to speak through our inspired fren'； now。〃
〃Is he？〃 said the lan'lord〃is he？ Wall； I've suthin to say；
also。 Was this Cromwell a licensed vittler？〃
〃Not that I ever heard；〃 I anserd。
〃I'm sorry for that；〃 said the lan'lord with a sigh； 〃but you
think he was a man who would wish to see licensed vittlers
respected in their rights？〃
〃No doubt。〃
〃Wall；〃 said the lan'lord； 〃jest you keep a eye on me。〃 Then
risin to his feet he said； in somewhat husky yet tol'bly distink
voice； 〃Mr。 Crumbwell！〃
〃Cromwell！〃 I cried。
〃Yes； Mr。 Cromwell： that's the man I mean； Mr。 Cromble！ won't
you please advise that gen'l'man who you're talkin through； won't
you advise'im during your elekant speech to settle his bill at my
'ouse tonight； Mr。 Crumbles；〃 said the lan'lord； glarin' savigely
round on the peple； 〃because if he don't there'll be a punched
'ed to be seen at the Green Lion； where I don't want no mor
