the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第2章

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May　be　I've　rambled　a　bit　in　this　communycation。　　I'll　try　and　be
more　collected　in　my　next；　and　meanwhile；　b'lieve　me；

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Trooly　Yours；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。2。　　PERSONAL　RECOLLECTIONS。

You'll　be　glad　to　learn　that　I've　made　a　good　impression　onto　the
mind　of　the　lan'lord　of　the　Green　Lion　tavern。　　He　made　a　speech
about　me　last　night。　　Risin'　in　the　bar　he　spoke　as　follers；
there　bein　over　20　individooals　present：

〃This　North　American　has　been　a　inmate　of　my　'ouse　over　two
weeks；　yit　he　hasn't　made　no　attempt　to　scalp　any　member　of　my
fam'ly。　　He　hasn't　broke　no　cups　or　sassers；　or　furnitur　of　any
kind。　　（〃Hear；　hear。〃）　　I　find　I　can　trust　him　with　lited
candles。　　He　eats　his　wittles　with　a　knife　and　a　fork。　　People　of
this　kind　should　be　encurridged。　　I　purpose　'is　'elth！〃　　（〃Loud
'plaws。〃）

What　could　I　do　but　modestly　get　up　and　express　a　fervint　hope
that　the　Atlantic　Cable　would　bind　the　two　countries　still　more
closely　together？　　The　lan'lord　said　my　speech　was　full　of
orig'nality；　but　his　idee　was　the　old　stage　coach　was　more　safer；
and　he　tho't　peple　would　indors　that　opinyin　in　doo　time。

I'm　gettin'　on　exceedin'　well　in　London。　　I　see　now；　however；
that　I　made　a　mistake　in　orderin'　my　close　afore　I　left　home。
The　trooth　is　the　taler　in　our　little　villige　owed　me　for　a　pig
and　I　didn't　see　any　other　way　of　gettin'　my　pay。　　Ten　years　ago
these　close　would　no　doubt　have　been　fash'n'ble；　and　perhaps　they
would　be　ekally　sim'lar　ten　years　hens。　　But　now　they're
diff'rently。　　The　taler　said　he　know'd　they　was　all　right；
because　he　had　a　brother　in　Wales　who　kept　him　informed　about
London　fashins　reg'lar。　　This　was　a　infamus　falsehood。　　But　as
the　ballud　says　（which　I　heard　a　gen'l'man　in　a　new　soot　of　black
close　and　white　kid　gloves　sing　t'other　night）；　Never　don't　let
us　Despise　a　Man　because　he　wears　a　Raggid　Coat！　　I　don't　know　as
we　do；　by　the　way；　tho'　we　gen'rally　get　out　of　his　way　pretty
rapid；　prob'ly　on　account　of　the　pity　which　tears　our　boosums　for
his　onhappy　condition。

This　last　remark　is　a　sirkastic　and　witherin'　thrust　at　them
blotid　peple　who　live　in　gilded　saloons。　　I　tho't　I'd　explain　my
meanin'　to　you。　　I　frekently　have　to　explain　the　meanin'　of　my
remarks。　　I　know　one　manand　he's　a　man　of　varid　'complishments
who　often　reads　my　articles　over　20　times　afore　he　can　make
anything　of　'em　at　all。　　Our　skoolmaster　to　home　says　this　is　a
pecoolerarity　of　geneyus。　　My　wife　says　it　is　a　pecoolerarity　of
infernal　nonsens。　　She's　a　exceedin'　practycal　woman。　　I　luv　her
muchly；　however；　and　humer　her　little　ways。　　It's　a　recklis
falshood　that　she　henpecks　me；　and　the　young　man　in　our
neighborhood　who　said　to　me　one　evenin'；　as　I　was　mistenin'　my
diafram　with　a　gentle　cocktail　at　the　villige　tavunwho　said　to
me　in　these　very　langwidge；　〃Go　home；　old　man；　onless　you　desires
to　have　another　teapot　throwd　at　you　by　B。J。；〃　probly　regrets
havin　said　so。

I　said；　〃Betsy　Jane　is　my　wife's　front　name；　gentle　yooth；　and　I
permits　no　person　to　alood　to　her　as　B。J。　outside　of　the　family
circle；　of　which　I　am　it　principally　myself。　　Your　other
observations　I　scorn　and　disgust；　and　I　must　pollish　you　off。〃

He　was　a　able…bodied　young　man；　and；　remoovin　his　coat；　he
enquired　if　I　wanted　to　be　ground　to　powder？　　I　said；　Yes：　　if
there　was　a　Powder…grindist　handy；　nothin　would　'ford　me　greater
pleasure；　when　he　struck　me　a　painful　blow　into　my　right　eye；
causin'　me　to　make　a　rapid　retreat　into　the　fireplace。　　I　hadn't
no　idee　that　the　enemy　was　so　well　organized。　　But　I　rallied　and
went　for　him；　in　a　rayther　vigris　style　for　my　time　of　life。　　His
parunts　lived　near　by；　and　I　will　simply　state　15　minits　had　only
elapst　after　the　first　act　when　he　was　carried　home　on　a　shutter。
His　mama　met　the　sollum　procession　at　the　door；　and　after
keerfully　looking　her　orfspring　over；　she　said：

〃My　son；　I　see　how　it　is　distinctually。　　You've　been　foolin'
round　a　Trashin　Masheen。　　You　went　in　at　the　place　where　they　put
the　grain　in；　cum　out　with　the　straw；　and　you　got　up　into　the
thingamyjig；　and　let　the　horses　tred　on　you；　didn't　you；　my　son？〃

The　pen　of　no　liven　Orthur　could　describe　that　disfortnit　young
man's　sittywation　more　clearer。　　But　I　was　sorry　for　him；　and　I
went　and　nussed　him　till　he　got　well。　　His　reg'lar　original
father　being　absent　to　the　war；　I　told　him　I'd　be　a　father　to　him
myself。　　He　smilt　a　sickly　smile；　and　said　I'd　already　been　wus
than　two　fathers　to　him。

I　will　here　obsarve　that　fitin　orter　be　allus　avided；　excep　in
extreem　cases。　　My　principle　is；　if　a　man　smites　me　on　the　right
cheek　I'll　turn　my　left　to　him；　prob'ly；　but　if　he　insinooates
that　my　gran'mother　wasn't　all　right；　I'll　punch　his　hed。　　But
fitin　is　mis'ble　bisniss；　gen'rally　speakin；　and　whenever　any
enterprisin　countryman　of　mine　cums　over　here　to　scoop　up　a
Briton　in　the　prize　ring　I'm　allus　excessively　tickled　when　he
gets　scooped　hisself；　which　it　is　a　sad　fack　has　thus　far　been
the　casemy　only　sorrer　bein'　that　t'other　feller　wasn't　scooped
likewise。　　It's　diff'rently　with　scullin　boats；　which　is　a　manly
sport；　and　I　can　only　explain　Mr。　Hamil's　resunt　defeat　in　this
country　on　the　grounds　that　he　wasn't　used　to　British　water。　　I
hope　this　explanation　will　be　entirely　satisfact'ry　to　all。

As　I　remarked　afore；　I'm　gettin'　on　well。　　I'm　aware　that　I'm　in
the　great　metrop'lis　of　the　world；　and　it　doesn't　make　me　onhappy
to　admit　the　fack。　A　man　is　a　ass　who　dispoots　it。　　That's　all
that　ails　HIM。　　I　know　there　is　sum　peple　who　cum　over　here　and
snap　and　snarl　'bout　this　and　that：　　I　know　one　man　who　says　it
is　a　shame　and　a　disgrace　that　St。　Paul's　Church　isn't　a　older
edifiss；　he　says　it　should　be　years　and　even　ages　older　than　it
is；　but　I　decline　to　hold　myself　responsible　for　the　conduck　of
this　idyit　simply　because　he's　my　countryman。　　I　spose　every
civ'lised　land　is　endowed　with　its　full　share　of　gibberin'
idyits；　and　it　can't　be　helptleastways　I　can't　think　of　any
effectooal　plan　of　helpin'　it。

I'm　a　little　sorry　you've　got　politics　over　here；　but　I　shall　not
diskuss　'em　with　nobody。　　Tear　me　to　pieces　with　wild　omnibus
hosses；　and　I　won't　diskuss　'em。　　I've　had　quite　enuff　of　'em　at
home；　thank　you。　　I　was　at　Birmingham　t'other　night；　and　went　to
the　great　meetin'　for　a　few　minits。　　I　hadn't　been　in　the　hall
long　when　a　stern…lookin'　artisan　said　to　me：

〃You　ar　from　Wales！〃

No；　I　told　him　I　didn't　think　I　was。　　A　hidgyis　tho't　flasht　over
me。　　It　was　of　that　onprincipled　taler；　and　I　said；　〃Has　my
clothin'　a　Welchy　appearance？〃

〃Not　by　no　means；〃　he　answered；　and　then　he　said；　〃And　what　is
your　opinyin　of　the　present　crisis？〃

I　said；　〃I　don't　zackly　know。　　Have　you　got　it　very　bad？〃

He　replied；　〃Sir；　it　is　sweepin'　England　like　the　Cymoon　of　the
Desert！〃

〃Wall；〃　I　said；　〃let　it　sweep！〃

He　ceased　me　by　the　arm　and　said；　〃Let　us　glance　at　hist'ry。　　It
is　now　some　two　thousand　years〃

〃Is　it；　indeed？〃　I　replied。

〃Listin！〃　he　fiercely　cried；　〃it　is　only　a　little　over　two
thousand　years　since〃

〃Oh；　bother！〃　I　remarkt；　〃let　us　go　out　and　git　some　beer。〃

〃No；　Sir。　　I　want　no　gross　and　sensual　beer。　　I'll　not　move　from
this　spot　till　I　can　vote。　　Who　ar　you？〃

I　handed　him　my　card；　which　in　addition　to　my　name；　contains　a
elabrit　description　of　my　show。　　〃Now；　Sir；〃　I　proudly　said；　〃you
know　me？〃

〃I　sollumly　swear；〃　he　sternly　replied；　〃that　I　never　heard　of
you；　or　your　show；　in　my　life！〃

〃And　this　man；〃　I　cried　bitterly；　〃calls　hisself　a　intelligent
man；　and　thinks　he　orter　be　allowed　to　vote！　　What　a　holler
mockery！〃

I've　no　objection　to　ev'ry　intelligent　man　votin'　if　he　wants　to。
It's　a　pleasant　amoosement；　no　doubt；　but　there　is　those　whose
igrance　is　so　dense　and　loathsum　that　they　shouldn't　be　trustid
with　a　ballit　any　more'n　one　of　my　trained　serpunts　should　be
trusted　with　a　child　to　play　with。

I　went　to　the　station　with　a　view　of　returnin'　to　town　on　the
cars。

〃This　way；　Sir；〃　said　the　guard；　〃here　you　ar；〃　and　he　pinted　to
a　first…class　carriage；　the　sole　ockepant　of　which　was　a