the expedition of humphry clinker-第91章

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of　our　senses；　for　the　joke's　sake。'　'Ay；　and　such　a　joke！　（cried
our　landlord）　such　a　farce！　such　a　denouement！　such　a
catastrophe！'

'Have　a　little　patience　（replied　our　'squire）；　we　are　not　yet
come　to　the　catastrophe；　and　pray　God　it　may　not　turn　out　a
tragedy　instead　of　a　farce。　　The　captain　is　one　of　those
saturnine　subjects；　who　have　no　idea　of　humour。　　He　never　laughs
in　his　own　person；　nor　can　he　bear　that　other　people　should　laugh
at　his　expence。　Besides；　if　the　subject　had　been　properly　chosen；
the　joke　was　too　severe　in　all　conscience。'　''Sdeath！　（cried　the
knight）　I　could　not　have　bated　him　an　ace　had　he　been　my　own
father；　and　as　for　the　subject；　such　another　does　not　present
itself　once　in　half　a　century。'　Here　Mrs　Tabitha　interposing；　and
bridling　up；　declared；　she　did　not　see　that　Mr　Lismahago　was　a
fitter　subject　for　ridicule　than　the　knight　himself；　and　that　she
was　very　much　afraid；　he　would　very　soon　find　he　had　mistaken　his
man。　　The　baronet　was　a　good　deal　disconcerted　by　his　intimation；
saying；　that　he　must　be　a　Goth　and　a　barbarian；　if　he　did　not
enter　into　the　spirit　of　such　a　happy　and　humourous　contrivance。　
He　begged；　however；　that　Mr　Bramble　and　his　sister　would　bring
him　to　reason；　and　this　request　was　reinforced　by　lady　Bullford；
who　did　not　fail　to　read　the　baronet　a　lecture　upon　his
indiscretion；　which　lecture　he　received　with　submission　on　one
side　of　his　face；　and　a　leer　upon　the　other。

We　now　went　to　bed　for　the　second　time；　and　before　I　got　up；　my
uncle　had　visited　Lismahago　in　the　green　room；　and　used　such
arguments　with　him；　that　when　we　met　in　the　parlour　he　seemed　to
be　quite　appeased。　He　received　the　knight's　apology　with　good
grace；　and　even　professed　himself　pleased　at　finding　he　had
contributed　to　the　diversion　of　the　company。　　Sir　Thomas　shook
him　by　the　hand；　laughing　heartily；　and　then　desired　a　pinch　of
snuff；　in　token　of　perfect　reconciliation　　The　lieutenant；
putting　his　hand　in　his　waistcoat　pocket；　pulled　out；　instead　of
his　own　Scotch　mull；　a　very　fine　gold　snuff…box；　which　he　no
sooner　perceived　than　he　said；　'Here　is　a　small　mistake。'　'No
mistake　at　all　（cried　the　baronet）：　a　fair　exchange　is　no
robbery。　　Oblige　me　so　far；　captain；　as　to　let　me　keep　your　mull
as　a　memorial。'　'Sir　（said　the　lieutenant）；　the　mull　is　much　at
your　service；　but　this　machine　I　can　by　no　means　retain。　　It
looks　like　compounding　a　sort　of　felony　in　the　code　of　honour。
Besides；　I　don't　know　but　there　may　be　another　joke　in　this
conveyance；　and　I　don't　find　myself　disposed　to　be　brought　upon
the　stage　again。　　I　won't　presume　to　make　free　with　your　pockets；
but　I　beg　you　will　put　it　up　again　with　your　own　hand。'　So
saying；　with　a　certain　austerity　of　aspect；　he　presented　the
snuffbox　to　the　knight；　who　received　it　in　some　confusion；　and
restored　the　mull；　which　he　would　by　no　means　keep　except　on　the
terms　of　exchange。

This　transaction　was　like　to　give　a　grave　cast　to　the
conversation；　when　my　uncle　took　notice　that　Mr　Justice　Frogmore
had　not　made　his　appearance　either　at　the　night…alarm；　or　now　at
the　general　rendezvous。　The　baronet　hearing　Frogmore　mentioned；
'Odso！　（cried　he）　I　had　forgot　the　justice。　　Pr'ythee；　doctor；　go
and　bring　him　out　of　his　kennel。'　Then　laughing　till　his　sides
were　well　shaken；　he　said　he　would　shew　the　captain；　that　he　was
not　the　only　person　of　the　drama　exhibited　for　the　entertainment
of　the　company。　As　to　the　night…scene；　it　could　not　affect　the
justice；　who　had　been　purposely　lodged　in　the　farther　end　of　the
house；　remote　from　the　noise；　and　lulled　with　a　dose　of　opium
into　the　bargain。　In　a　few　minutes；　Mr　Justice　was　led　into　the
parlour　in　his　nightcap　and　loose　morning…gown；　rolling　his　head
from　side　to　side；　and　groaning　piteously　all　the　way。　　'Jesu！
neighbour　Frogmore　（exclaimed　the　baronet）；　what　is　the　matter？　
you　look　as　if　you　was　not　a　man　for　this　world。　　Set　him　down
softly　on　the　couch　　poor　gentlemen！　　Lord　have　mercy　upon　us！　
What　makes　him　so　pale；　and　yellow；　and　bloated？'　'Oh；　Sir
Thomas！　（cried　the　justice）　I　doubt　'tis　all　over　with　me　
Those　mushrooms　I　eat　at　your　table　have　done　my　business　　ah！
oh！　hey！'　'Now　the　Lord　forbid！　（said　the　other）　　what！　man；　have
a　good　heart　　How　does　thy　stomach　feel？　　hall？'

To　this　interrogation　he　made　no　reply；　but　throwing　aside　his
nightgown；　discovered　that　his　waist…coat　would　not　meet　upon　his
belly　by　five　good　inches　at　least。　'Heaven　protect　us　all！
（cried　Sir　Thomas）　what　a　melancholy　spectacle！　　never　did　I　see
a　man　so　suddenly　swelled；　but　when　he　was　either　just　dead；　or
just　dying。　　Doctor；　can'st　thou　do　nothing　for　this　poor
object？'　'I　don't　think　the　case　is　quite　desperate　（said　the
surgeon）；　but　I　would　advise　Mr　Frogmore　to　settle　his　affairs
with　all　expedition；　the　parson　may　come　and　pray　by　him；　while　I
prepare　a　glyster　and　an　emetic　draught。'　The　justice；　rolling
his　languid　eyes；　ejaculated　with　great　fervency；　'Lord；　have
mercy　upon　us！　Christ；　have　mercy　upon　us！'　　Then　he　begged　the
surgeon；　in　the　name　of　God；　to　dispatch　　'As　for　my　worldly
affairs　（said　he）；　they　are　all　settled　but　one　mortgage；　which
must　be　left　to　my　heirs　　but　my　poor　soul！　my　poor　soul！　what
will　become　of　my　poor　soul？　miserable　sinner　that　I　am！'　'Nay；
pr'ythee；　my　dear　boy；　compose　thyself　（resumed　the　knight）；
consider　the　mercy　of　heaven　is　infinite；　thou　can'st　not　have
any　sins　of　a　very　deep　dye　on　thy　conscience；　or　the　devil's
in't。'　'Name　not　the　devil　（exclaimed　the　terrified　Frogmore）；　I
have　more　sins　to　answer　for　than　the　world　dreams　of。　　Ah！
friend；　I　have　been　sly　　sly　damn'd　sly！　　Send　for　the　parson
without　loss　of　time；　and　put　me　to　bed；　for　I　am　posting　to
eternity。'　　He　was　accordingly　raised　from　the　couch；　and
supported　by　two　servants；　who　led　him　back　to　his　room；　but
before　he　quitted　the　parlour；　he　intreated　the　good　company　to
assist　him　with　their　prayers。　　He　added；　'Take　warning　by　me；
who　am　suddenly　cut　off　in　my　prime；　like　a　flower　of　the　field；
and　God　forgive　you；　Sir　Thomas；　for　suffering　such　poisonous
trash　to　be　eaten　at　your　table。'

He　was　no　sooner　removed　out　of　hearing；　than　the　baronet
abandoned　himself　to　a　violent　fit　of　laughing；　in　which　he　was
joined　by　the　greatest　part　of　the　company；　but　we　could　hardly
prevent　the　good　lady　from　going　to　undeceive　the　patient；　by
discovering；　that　while　he　slept　his　waistcoat　had　been
straitened　by　the　contrivance　of　the　surgeon；　and　that　the
disorder　in　his　stomach　and　bowels　was　occasioned　by　some
antimonial　wine；　which　he　had　taken　over　night；　under　the
denomination　of　plague…water。　She　seemed　to　think　that　his
apprehension　might　put　an　end　to　his　life：　the　knight　swore　he
was　no　such　chicken；　but　a　tough　old　rogue；　that　would　live　long
enough　to　plague　all　his　neighbours。　　Upon　enquiry；　we　found　his
character　did　not　intitle　him　to　much　compassion　or　respect；　and
therefore　we　let　our　landlord's　humour　take　its　course。　　A
glyster　was　actually　administered　by　an　old　woman　of　the　family；
who　had　been　Sir　Thomas's　nurse；　and　the　patient　took　a　draught
made　with　oxymel　of　squills　to　forward　the　operation　of　the
antimonial　wine；　which　had　been　retarded　by　the　opiate　of　the
preceding　night。　He　was　visited　by　the　vicar；　who　read　prayers；
and　began　to　take　an　account　of　the　state　of　his　soul；　when　those
medicines　produced　their　effect；　so　that　the　parson　was　obliged
to　hold　his　nose　while　he　poured　forth　spiritual　consolation　from
his　mouth。　The　same　expedient　was　used　by　the　knight　and　me；　who；
with　the　doctor；　entered　the　chamber　at　this　juncture；　and　found
Frogmore　enthroned　on　an　easing…chair；　under　the　pressure　of　a
double　evacuation。　The　short　intervals　betwixt　every　heave　he
employed　in　crying　for　mercy；　confessing　his　sins；　or　asking　the
vicar's　opinion　of　his　case；　and　the　vicar　answered；　in　a　solemn
snuffling　tone；　that　heightened　the　ridicule　of　the　scene。　The
emetic　having　done　its　office；　the　doctor　interfered；　and　ordered
the　patient　to　be　put　in　bed　again。　When　he　examined　the　egesta；
and　felt　his　pulse；　he　declared　that　much　of　the　virus　was
discharged；　and；　giv