the expedition of humphry clinker-第89章

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endeavour　to　exceed　one　another　in　the　variety；　delicacy；　and
expence　of　their　dishes。　I　believe　it　will　be　found　upon　enquiry；
that　nineteen　out　of　twenty；　who　are　ruined　by　extravagance；　fall
a　sacrifice　to　the　ridiculous　pride　and　vanity　of　silly　women；
whose　parts　are　held　in　contempt　by　the　very　men　whom　they
pillage　and　enslave。　Thank　heaven；　Dick；　that　among　all　the
follies　and　weaknesses　of　human　nature；　I　have　not　yet　fallen
into　that　of　matrimony。

After　Baynard　and　I　had　discussed　all　these　matters　at　leisure；
we　returned　towards　the　house；　and　met　Jery　with　our　two　women；
who　had　come　forth　to　take　the　air；　as　the　lady　of　the　mansion
had　not　yet　made　her　appearance。　In　short；　Mrs　Baynard　did　not
produce　herself；　till　about　a　quarter　of　an　hour　before　dinner
was　upon　the　table。　Then　her　husband　brought　her　into　the
parlour；　accompanied　by　her　aunt　and　son；　and　she　received　us
with　a　coldness　of　reserve　sufficient　to　freeze　the　very　soul　of
hospitality。　Though　she　knew　I　had　been　the　intimate　friend　of
her　husband；　and　had　often　seen　me　with　him　in　London；　she　shewed
no　marks　of　recognition　or　regard；　when　I　addressed　myself　to　her
in　the　most　friendly　terms　of　salutation。　She　did　not　even
express　the　common　compliment　of；　I　am　glad　to　see　you；　or；　I
hope　you　have　enjoyed　your　health　since　we　had　the　pleasure　of
seeing　you；　or　some　such　words　of　course：　nor　did　she　once　open
her　mouth　in　the　way　of　welcome　to　my　sister　and　my　niece：　but
sat　in　silence　like　a　statue；　with　an　aspect　of　insensibility。
Her　aunt；　the　model　upon　which　she　had　been　formed；　was　indeed
the　very　essence　of　insipid　formality　but　the　boy　was　very　pert
and　impudent；　and　prated　without　ceasing。

At　dinner；　the　lady　maintained　the　same　ungracious　indifference；
never　speaking　but　in　whispers　to　her　aunt；　and　as　to　the　repast；
it　was　made　up　of　a　parcel　of　kickshaws；　contrived　by　a　French
cook；　without　one　substantial　article　adapted　to　the　satisfaction
of　an　English　appetite。　The　pottage　was　little　better　than　bread
soaked　in　dishwashings；　lukewarm。　The　ragouts　looked　as　if　they
had　been　once　eaten　and　half　digested：　the　fricassees　were
involved　in　a　nasty　yellow　poultice：　and　the　rotis　were　scorched
and　stinking；　for　the　honour　of　the　fumet。　The　desert　consisted
of　faded　fruit　and　iced　froth；　a　good　emblem　of　our　landlady's
character；　the　table…beer　was　sour；　the　water　foul；　and　the　wine
vapid；　but　there　was　a　parade　of　plate　and　china；　and　a　　powdered
lacquey　stood　behind　every　chair；　except　those　of　the　master　and
mistress　of　the　house；　who　were　served　by　two　valets　dressed　like
gentlemen。　We　dined　in　a　large　old　Gothic　parlour；　which　was
formerly　the　hall。　It　was　now　paved　with　marble；　and；
notwithstanding　the　fire　which　had　been　kindled　about　an　hour；
struck　me　with　such　a　chill　sensation；　that　when　I　entered　it　the
teeth　chattered　in　my　jaws　　In　short；　every　thing　was　cold；
comfortless；　and　disgusting；　except　the　looks　of　my　friend
Baynard；　which　declared　the　warmth　of　his　affection　and　humanity。

After　dinner　we　withdrew　into　another　apartment；　where　the　boy
began　to　be　impertinently　troublesome　to　my　niece　Liddy。　He
wanted　a　playfellow；　forsooth；　and　would　have　romped　with　her；
had　she　encouraged　his　advances　　He　was　even　so　impudent　as　to
snatch　a　kiss；　at　which　she　changed　countenance；　and　seemed
uneasy；　and　though　his　father　checked　him　for　the　rudeness　of　his
behaviour；　he　became　so　outrageous　as　to　thrust　his　hand　in　her
bosom：　an　insult　to　which　she　did　not　tamely　submit；　though　one
of　the　mildest　creatures　upon　earth。　Her　eyes　sparkling　with
resentment；　she　started　up；　and　lent　him　such　a　box　in　the　ear；
as　sent　him　staggering　to　the　other　side　of　the　room。

'Miss　Melford　（cried　his　father）；　you　have　treated　him　with　the
utmost　propriety　　I　am　only　sorry　that　the　impertinence　of　any
child　of　mine　should　have　occasioned　this　exertion　of　your　spirit；
which　I　cannot　but　applaud　and　admire。'　His　wife　was　so　far
from　assenting　to　the　candour　of　his　apology；　that　she　rose　from
the　table；　and；　taking　her　son　by　the　hand；　'Come；　child　（said
she）；　your　father　cannot　abide　you。'　So　saying；　she　retired　with
this　hopeful　youth；　and　was　followed　by　her　gouvernante：　but
neither　the　one　nor　the　other　deigned　to　take　the　least　notice　of
the　company。

Baynard　was　exceedingly　disconcerted；　but　I　perceived　his
uneasiness　was　tinctured　with　resentment；　and　derived　a　good　omen
from　this　discovery。　I　ordered　the　horses　to　be　put　to　the
carriage；　and；　though　he　made　some　efforts　to　detain　us　all
night；　I　insisted　upon　leaving　the　house　immediately；　but；　before
I　went　away；　I　took　an　opportunity　of　speaking　to　him　again　in
private。　I　said　every　thing　I　could　recollect；　to　animate　his
endeavours　in　shaking　off　those　shameful　trammels。　I　made　no
scruple　to　declare；　that　his　wife　was　unworthy　of　that　tender
complaisance　which　he　had　shewn　for　her　foibles：　that　she　was
dead　to　all　the　genuine　sentiments　of　conjugal　affection；
insensible　of　her　own　honour　and　interest；　and　seemingly
destitute　of　common　sense　and　reflection。　I　conjured　him　to
remember　what　he　owed　to　his　father's　house；　to　his　own
reputation；　and　to　his　family；　including　even　this　unreasonable
woman　herself；　who　was　driving　on　blindly　to　her　own　destruction。
I　advised　him　to　form　a　plan　for　retrenching　superfluous　expence；
and　try　to　convince　the　aunt　of　the　necessity　for　such　a
reformation；　that　she　might　gradually　prepare　her　niece　for　its
execution；　and　I　exhorted　him　to　turn　that　disagreeable　piece　of
formality　out　of　the　house；　if　he　should　find　her　averse　to　his
proposal。

Here　he　interrupted　me　with　a　sigh；　observing　that　such　a　step
would　undoubtedly　be　fatal　to　Mrs　Baynard　　'I　shall　lose　all
patience　（cried　I）；　to　hear　you　talk　so　weakly　　Mrs　Baynard's
fits　will　never　hurt　her　constitution。　I　believe　in　my　conscience
they　are　all　affected：　I　am　sure　she　has　no　feeling　for　your
distresses；　and；　when　you　are　ruined；　she　will　appear　to　have　no
feeling　for　her　own。'　Finally；　I　took　his　word　and　honour　that　he
would　make　an　effort；　such　as　I　had　advised；　that　he　would　form　a
plan　of　oeconomy；　and；　if　he　found　it　impracticable　without　my
assistance；　he　would　come　to　Bath　in　the　winter；　where　I　promised
to　give　him　the　meeting；　and　contribute　all　in　my　power　to　the
retrieval　of　his　affairs　　With　this　mutual　engagement　we　parted；
and　I　shall　think　myself　supremely　happy；　if；　by　my　means；　a
worthy　man；　whom　I　love　and　esteem；　can　be　saved　from　misery；
disgrace；　and　despair。

I　have　only　one　friend　more　to　visit　in　this　part　of　the　country；
but　he　is　of　a　complexion　very　different　from　that　of　Baynard。
You　have　heard　me　mention　Sir　Thomas　Bullford；　whom　I　knew　in
Italy。　He　is　now　become　a　country　gentleman；　but；　being　disabled
by　the　gout　from　enjoying　any　amusement　abroad；　he　entertains
himself　within　doors；　by　keeping　open　house　for　all　corners；　and
playing　upon　the　oddities　and　humours　of　his　company：　but　he
himself　is　generally　the　greatest　original　at　his　table。　He　is
very　good…humoured；　talks　much；　and　laughs　without　ceasing。　I　am
told　that　all　the　use　he　makes　of　his　understanding　at　present；
is　to　excite　mirth；　by　exhibiting　his　guests　in　ludicrous
attitudes。　I　know　not　how　far　we　may　furnish　him　with
entertainment　of　this　kind；　but　I　am　resolved　to　beat　up　his
quarters；　partly　with　a　view　to　laugh　with　the　knight　himself；
and　partly　to　pay　my　respects　to　his　lady；　a　good…natured
sensible　woman；　with　whom　he　lives　upon　very　easy　terms；　although
she　has　not　had　the　good　fortune　to　bring　him　an　heir　to　his
estate。

And　now；　dear　Dick；　I　must　tell　you　for　your　comfort；　that　you
are　the　only　man　upon　earth　to　whom　I　would　presume　to　send　such
a　longwinded　epistle；　which　I　could　not　find　in　my　heart　to
curtail；　because　the　subject　interested　the　warmest　passions　of
my　heart；　neither　will　I　make　any　other　apology　to　a
correspondent　who　has　been　so　long　accustomed　to　the　impertinence
of

MATT。　BRAMBLE
Sept。　30。




To　Sir　WATKIN　PHILLIPS；　Bart。　at　Oxon。

DEAR　KNIGHT；

I　believe　there　is　something　mischievous　in　my　disposition；　for
nothing　diverts　me　so　muc