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第63章

the expedition of humphry clinker-第63章

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English pudding; composed of good wholesome flour and suet; and
Dutton to a syllabub or iced froth; which; though agreeable to
the taste; has nothing solid or substantial。 The traitor not only
dazzled her; with his second…hand finery; but he fawned; and
flattered; and cringed  he taught her to take rappee; and
presented her with a snuff…box of papier mache  he supplied her
with a powder for her teeth  he mended her complexion; and he
dressed her hair in the Paris fashion  he undertook to be her
French master and her dancing…master; as well as friseur; and
thus imperceptibly wound himself into her good graces。 Clinker
perceived the progress he had made; and repined in secret。  He
attempted to open her eyes in the way of exhortation; and finding
it produced no effect had recourse to prayer。 At Newcastle; while
he attended Mrs Tabby to the methodist meeting his rival
accompanied Mrs Jenkins to the play。 He was dressed in a silk
coat; made at Paris for his former master; with a tawdry
waistcoat of tarnished brocade; he wore his hair in a great bag
with a huge solitaire; and a long sword dangled from his thigh。
The lady was all of a flutter with faded lutestring; washed
gauze; and ribbons three times refreshed; but she was most
remarkable for the frisure of her head; which rose; like a
pyramid; seven inches above the scalp; and her face was primed
and patched from the chin up to the eyes; nay; the gallant
himself had spared neither red nor white in improving the nature
of his own complexion。 In this attire; they walked together
through the high street to the theatre; and as they passed for
players ready dressed for acting; they reached it unmolested; but
as it was still light when they returned; and by that time the
people had got information of their real character and condition;
they hissed and hooted all the way; and Mrs Jenkins was all
bespattered with dirt; as well as insulted with the opprobrious
name of painted Jezabel; so that her fright and mortification
threw her into an hysteric fit the moment she came home。

Clinker was so incensed at Dutton; whom he considered as the
cause of her disgrace; that he upbraided him severely for having
turned the poor woman's brain。 The other affected to treat him
with contempt; and mistaking his forbearance for want of courage;
threatened to horse…whip him into good manners。 Humphry then came
to me; humbly begging I would give him leave to chastise my
servant for his insolence  'He has challenged me to fight him at
sword's point (said he); but I might as well challenge him to
make a horse…shoe; or a plough iron; for I know no more of the
one than he does of the other。  Besides; it doth not become
servants to use those weapons; or to claim the privilege of
gentlemen to kill one another when they fall out; moreover; I
would not have his blood upon my conscience for ten thousand
times the profit or satisfaction I should get by his death; but
if your honour won't be angry; I'll engage to gee 'en a good
drubbing; that; may hap; will do 'en service; and I'll take care
it shall do 'en no harm。' I said; I had no objection to what he
proposed; provided he could manage matters so as not to be found
the aggressor; in case Dutton should prosecute him for an assault
and battery。

Thus licensed; he retired; and that same evening easily provoked
his rival to strike the first blow; which Clinker returned with
such interest that he was obliged to call for quarter; declaring;
at the same time; that he would exact severe and bloody
satisfaction the moment we should pass the border; when he could
run him through the body without fear of the consequence。  This
scene passed in presence of lieutenant Lismahago; who encouraged
Clinker to hazard a thrust of cold iron with his antagonist。
'Cold iron (cried Humphry) I shall never use against the life of
any human creature; but I am so far from being afraid of his cold
iron; that I shall use nothing in my defence but a good cudgel;
which shall always be at his service。' In the mean time; the fair
cause of this contest; Mrs Winifred Jenkins; seemed overwhelmed
with affliction; and Mr Clinker acted much on the reserve; though
he did not presume to find fault with her conduct。

The dispute between the two rivals was soon brought to a very
unexpected issue。 Among our fellow…lodgers at Berwick; was a
couple from London; bound to Edinburgh; on the voyage of
matrimony。 The female was the daughter and heiress of a
pawnbroker deceased; who had given her guardians the slip; and
put herself under the tuition of a tall Hibernian; who had
conducted her thus far in quest of a clergyman to unite them in
marriage; without the formalities required by the law of England。
I know not how the lover had behaved on the road; so as to
decline in the favour of his inamorata; but; in all probability;
Dutton perceived a coldness on her side; which encouraged him to
whisper; it was a pity she should have cast affections upon a
taylor; which he affirmed the Irishman to be。 This discovery
completed her disgust; of which my man taking the advantage;
began to recommend himself to her good graces; and the smooth…tongued
rascal found no difficulty to insinuate himself into the
place of her heart; from which the other had been discarded 
Their resolution was immediately taken。 In the morning; before
day; while poor Teague lay snoring a…bed; his indefatigable rival
ordered a post…chaise; and set out with the lady for Coldstream;
a few miles up the Tweed; where there was a parson who dealt in
this branch of commerce; and there they were noosed; before the
Irishman ever dreamt of the matter。 But when he got up at six
o'clock; and found the bird was flown; he made such a noise as
alarmed the whole house。 One of the first persons he encountered;
was the postilion returned from Coldstream; where he had been
witness to the marriage; and over and above an handsome gratuity;
had received a bride's favour; which he now wore in his cap  When
the forsaken lover understood they were actually married; and set
out for London; and that Dutton had discovered to the lady; that
he (the Hibernian) was a taylor; he had like to have run
distracted。 He tore the ribbon from the fellow's cap; and beat it
about his ears。 He swore he would pursue him to the gates of
hell; and ordered a post…chaise and four to be got ready as soon
as possible; but; recollecting that his finances would not admit
of this way of travelling; he was obliged to countermand this
order。

For my part; I knew nothing at all of what had happened; till the
postilion brought me the keys of my trunk and portmanteau; which
he had received from Dutton; who sent me his respects; hoping I
would excuse him for his abrupt departure; as it was a step upon
which his fortune depended。 Before I had time to make my uncle
acquainted with this event; the Irishman burst into my chamber;
without any introduction; exclaiming;  'By my soul; your sarvant
has robbed me of five thousand pounds; and I'll have
satisfaction; if I should be hanged tomorrow。'  When I asked him
who he was; 'My name (said he) is Master Macloughlin but it
should be Leighlin Oneale; for I am come from Tir…Owen the Great;
and so I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland; and that
rogue; your sarvant; said I was a taylor; which was as big a lie
as if he had called me the pope  I'm a man of fortune; and have
spent all I had; and so being in distress; Mr Coshgrave; the
fashioner in Shuffolk…street; tuck me out; and made me his own
private shecretary: by the same token; I was the last he bailed;
for his friends obliged him to tie himself up; that he would bail
no more above ten pounds; for why; becaase as how; he could not
refuse any body that asked; and therefore in time would have
robbed himself of his whole fortune; and; if he had lived long at
that rate; must have died bankrupt very soon and so I made my
addresses to Miss Skinner; a young lady of five thousand pounds
fortune; who agreed to take me for better nor worse; and; to be
sure; this day would have put me in possession; if it had not
been for that rogue; your sarvant; who came like a tief; and
stole away my property; and m

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