the expedition of humphry clinker-第52章

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Tabby　would　have　probably　made　some　objection　to　our　departing　so
soon；　had　not　an　accident　embroiled　her　with　Mr　Micklewhimmen；
the　Scotch　advocate；　on　whose　heart　she　had　been　practising；　from
the　second　day　after　our　arrival　　That　original；　though　seemingly
precluded　from　the　use　of　his　limbs；　had　turned　his　genius　to
good　account　　In　short；　by　dint　of　groaning；　and　whining；　he　had
excited　the　compassion　of　the　company　so　effectually；　that　an　old
lady；　who　occupied　the　very　best　apartment　in　the　house；　gave　it
up　for　his　case　and　convenience。　When　his　man　led　him　into　the
Long　Room；　all　the　females　were　immediately　in　commotion　　One　set
an　elbow…chair；　another　shook　up　the　cushion；　a　third　brought　a
stool；　and　a　fourth　a　pillow；　for　the　accommodation　of　his　feet　
Two　ladies　（of　whom　Tabby　was　always　one）　supported　him　into　the
dining…room；　and　placed　him　properly　at　the　table；　and　his　taste
was　indulged　with　a　succession　of　delicacies；　culled　by　their
fair　hands。　All　this　attention　he　repaid　with　a　profusion　of
compliments　and　benedictions；　which　were　not　the　less　agreeable
for　being　delivered　in　the　Scottish　dialect。　As　for　Mrs　Tabitha；
his　respects　were　particularly　addressed　to　her；　and　he　did　not
fail　to　mingle　them　with　religious　reflections；　touching　free
grace；　knowing　her　bias　to　methodism；　which　he　also　professed
upon　a　calvinistical　model。

For　my　part；　I　could　not　help　thinking　this　lawyer　was　not　such
an　invalid　as　he　pretended　to　be。　I　observed　he　ate　very　heartily
three　times　a　day；　and　though　his　bottle　was　marked　stomachic
tincture；　he　had　recourse　to　it　so　often；　and　seemed　to　swallow
it　with　such　peculiar　relish；　that　I　suspected　it　was　not
compounded　in　the　apothecary's　shop；　or　the　chemist's　laboratory。
One　day；　while　he　was　earnest　in　discourse　with　Mrs　Tabitha；　and
his　servant　had　gone　out　on　some　occasion　or　other；　I　dexterously
exchanged　the　labels；　and　situation　of　his　bottle　and　mine；　and
having　tasted　his　tincture；　found　it　was　excellent　claret。　I
forthwith　handed　it　about　me　to　some　of　my　neighbours；　and　it　was
quite　emptied　before　Mr　Micklewhimmen　had　occasion　to　repeat　his
draught。　At　length；　turning　about；　he　took　hold　of　my　bottle；
instead　of　his　own；　and；　filling　a　large　glass；　drank　to　the
health　of　Mrs　Tabitha。　It　had　scarce　touched　his　lips；　when　he
perceived　the　change　which　had　been　put　upon　him；　and　was　at
first　a　little　out　of　countenance。　He　seemed　to　retire　within
himself；　in　order　to　deliberate；　and　in　half　a　minute　his
resolution　was　taken；　addressing　himself　to　our　quarter；　'I　give
the　gentleman　credit　for　his　wit　（said　he）；　it　was　a　gude
practical　joke；　but　sometimes　hi　joci　in　seria　ducunt　mala　　I
hope　for　his　own　sake　he　has　na　drank　all　the　liccor；　for　it　was
a　vara　poorful　infusion　of　jallap　in　Bourdeaux　wine；　at　its
possable　he　may　ha　ta'en　sic　a　dose　as　will　produce　a　terrible
catastrophe　in　his　ain　booels　'

By　far　the　greater　part　of　the　contents　had　fallen　to　the　share
of　a　young　clothier　from　Leeds；　who　had　come　to　make　a　figure　at
Harrigate；　and　was；　in　effect　a　great　coxcomb　in　his　way。　It　was
with　a　view　to　laugh　at　his　fellow…guests；　as　well　as　to　mortify
the　lawyer；　that　he　had　emptied　the　bottle；　when　it　came　to　his
turn；　and　he　had　laughed　accordingly：　but　now　his　mirth　gave　way
to　his　apprehension　　He　began　to　spit；　to　make　wry　faces；　and
writhe　himself　into　various　contorsions　　'Damn　the　stuff！　（cried
he）　I　thought　it　had　a　villainous　twang　　pah！　He　that　would　cozen
a　Scot；　mun　get　oope　betimes；　and　take　Old　Scratch　for　his
counsellor　'　'In　troth　mester　what　d'ye　ca'um　（replied　the
lawyer）；　your　wit　has　run　you　into　a　filthy　puddle　　I'm　truly
consarned　for　your　waeful　case　　The　best　advice　I　can　give　you；
in　sic　a　delemma；　is　to　send　an　express　to　Rippon　for　doctor
Waugh；　without　delay；　and；　in　the　mean　time；　swallow　all　the　oil
and　butter　you　can　find　in　the　hoose；　to　defend　your　poor　stomach
and　intastines　from　the　villication　of　the　particles　of　the
jallap；　which　is　vara　violent；　even　when　taken　in　moderation。'

The　poor　clothier's　torments　had　already　begun：　he　retired；
roaring　with　pain；　to　his　own　chamber；　the　oil　was　swallowed；　and
the　doctor　sent　for；　but　before　he　arrived；　the　miserable　patient
had　made　such　discharges　upwards　and　downwards；　that　nothing
remained　to　give　him　further　offence；　and　this　double　evacuation；
was　produced　by　imagination　alone；　for　what　he　had　drank　was
genuine　wine　of　Bourdeaux；　which　the　lawyer　had　brought　from
Scotland　for　his　own　private　use。　The　clothier；　finding　the　joke
turn　out　so　expensive　and　disagreeable；　quitted　the　house　next
morning；　leaving　the　triumph　to　Micklewhimmen；　who　enjoyed　it
internally　without　any　outward　signs　of　exultation　　on　the
contrary；　he　affected　to　pity　the　young　man　for　what　he　had
suffered；　and　acquired　fresh　credit　from　this　shew　of　moderation。

It　was　about　the　middle　of　the　night；　which　succeeded　this
adventure；　that　the　vent　of　the　kitchen　chimney　being　foul；　the
soot　took　fire；　and　the　alarm　was　given　in　a　dreadful　manner。
Every　body　leaped　naked　out　of　bed；　and　in　a　minute　the　whole
house　was　filled　with　cries　and　confusion　　There　was　two　stairs
in　the　house；　and　to　these　we　naturally　ran；　but　they　were　both
so　blocked　up；　by　the　people　pressing　one　upon　another；　that　it
seemed　impossible　to　pass；　without　throwing　down　and　trampling
upon　the　women。　In　the　midst　of　this　anarchy；　Mr　Micklewhimmen；
with　a　leathern　portmanteau　on　his　back；　came　running　as　nimble
as　a　buck　along　the　passage；　and　Tabby　in　her　underpetticoat；
endeavouring　to　hook　him　under　the　arm；　that　she　might　escape
through　his　protection；　he　very　fairly　pushed　her　down；　crying；
'Na；　na；　gude　faith；　charity　begins　at　hame！'　Without　paying　the
least　respect　to　the　shrieks　and　intreaties　of　his　female
friends；　he　charged　through　the　midst　of　the　crowd；　overturning
every　thing　that　opposed　him；　and　actually　fought　his　way　to　the
bottom　of　the　Stair…case　　By　this　time　Clinker　had　found　a　ladder
by　which　he　entered　the　window　of　my　uncle's　chamber；　where　our
family　was　assembled；　and　proposed　that　we　should　make　our　exit
successively　by　that　conveyance。　The　'squire　exhorted　his　sister
to　begin　the　descent；　but；　before　she　could　resolve；　her　woman；
Mrs　Winifred　Jenkins；　in　a　transport　of　terror；　threw　herself　out　at
the　window　upon　the　ladder；　while　Humphry　dropped　upon　the
ground；　that　he　might　receive　her　in　her　descent　　This　maiden　was
just　as　she　had　started　out　of　bed；　the　moon　shone　very　bright；
and　a　fresh　breeze　of　wind　blowing；　none　of　Mrs　Winifred's
beauties　could　possibly　escape　the　view　of　the　fortunate　Clinker；
whose　heart　was　not　able　to　withstand　the　united　force　of　so　many
charms；　at　least　I　am　much　mistaken；　if　he　has　not　been　her
humble　slave　from　that　moment　　He　received　her　in　his　arms；　and；
giving　her　his　coat　to　protect　her　from　the　weather；　ascended
again　with　admirable　dexterity。

At　that　instant；　the　landlord　of　the　house　called　out　with　an
audible　voice；　that　the　fire　was　extinguished；　and　the　ladies　had
nothing　further　to　fear：　this　was　a　welcome　note　to　the　audience；
and　produced　an　immediate　effect；　the　shrieking　ceased；　and　a
confused　sound　of　expostulation　ensued。　I　conducted　Mrs　Tabitha
and　my　sister　to　their　own　chamber；　where　Liddy　fainted　away；　but
was　soon　brought　to　herself。　Then　I　went　to　offer　my　services　to
the　other　ladies；　who　might　want　assistance　　They　were　all
scudding　through　the　passage　to　their　several　apartments；　and　as
the　thoroughfair　was　lighted　by　two　lamps；　I　had　a　pretty　good
observation　of　them　in　their　transit；　but　as　most　of　them　were
naked　to　the　smock；　and　all　their　heads　shrowded　in　huge
nightcaps；　I　could　not　distinguish　one　face　from　another；　though
I　recognized　some　of　their　voices　　These　were　generally
plaintive；　some　wept；　some　scolded；　and　some　prayed　　I　lifted　up
one　poor　old　gentlewoman；　who　had　been　overturned　and　sore
bruised　by　a　multitude　of　feet；　and　this　was　also　the　case　with
the　lame　person　from　Northumberland；　whom　Micklewhimmen　had　in
his　passage　overthrown；　though　not　with　impunity；　for　the
cripple；　in　falling；　gave　him　suc