the expedition of humphry clinker-第49章

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I　had　made　shift　to　swallow　it；　my　stomach　could　hardly　retain
what　it　had　received。　　The　only　effects　it　produced　were
sickness；　griping；　and　insurmountable　disgust。　　I　can　hardly
mention　it　without　puking。　　The　world　is　strangely　misled　by　the
affectation　of　singularity。　I　cannot　help　suspecting；　that　this
water　owes　its　reputation　in　a　great　measure　to　its　being　so
strikingly　offensive。　　On　the　same　kind　of　analogy；　a　German
doctor　has　introduced　hemlock　and　other　poisons；　as　specifics；
into　the　materia　medica。　　I　am　persuaded；　that　all　the　cures
ascribed　to　the　Harrigate　water；　would　have　been　as
efficaciously；　and　infinitely　more　agreeably　performed；　by　the
internal　and　external　use　of　seawater。　Sure　I　am；　this　last　is
much　less　nauseous　to　the　taste　and　smell；　and　much　more　gentle
in　its　operation　as　a　purge；　as　well　as　more　extensive　in　its
medical　qualities。

Two　days　ago　we　went　across　the　country　to　visit　'squire　Burdock；
who　married　a　first　cousin　of　my　father；　an　heiress；　who　brought
him　an　estate　of　a　thousand　a…year。　This　gentleman　is　a　declared
opponent　of　the　ministry　in　parliament；　and　having　an　opulent
fortune；　piques　himself　upon　living　in　the　country；　and
maintaining　old　English　hospitality　　By　the　bye；　this　is　a　phrase
very　much　used　by　the　English　themselves　both　in　words　and
writing；　but　I　never　heard　of　it　out　of　the　island；　except　by　way
of　irony　and　sarcasm。　What　the　hospitality　of　our　forefathers　has
been　I　should　be　glad　to　see　recorded；　rather　in　the　memoirs　of
strangers　who　have　visited　our　country；　and　were　the　proper
objects　and　judges　of　such　hospitality；　than　in　the　discourse　and
lucubrations　of　the　modern　English；　who　seem　to　describe　it　from
theory　and　conjecture。　Certain　it　is；　we　are　generally　looked
upon　by　foreigners；　as　a　people　totally　destitute　of　this　virtue；
and　I　never　was　in　any　country　abroad；　where　I　did　not　meet　with
persons　of　distinction；　who　complained　of　having　been
inhospitably　used　in　Great　Britain。　A　gentleman　of　France；　Italy；
or　Germany；　who　has　entertained　and　lodged　an　Englishman　at　his
house；　when　he　afterwards　meets　with　his　guest　at　London；　is
asked　to　dinner　at　the　Saracen's…head；　the　Turk's…head；　the
Boar's…head；　or　the　Bear；　eats　raw　beef　and　butter；　drinks
execrable　port；　and　is　allowed　to　pay　his　share　of　the　reckoning。

But　to　return　from　this　digression；　which　my　feeling　for　the
honour　of　my　country　obliged　me　to　make　　our　Yorkshire　cousin　has
been　a　mighty　fox…hunter　before　the　Lord；　but　now　he　is　too　fat
and　unwieldy　to　leap　ditches　and　five…bar　gates；　nevertheless；　he
still　keeps　a　pack　of　hounds；　which　are　well　exercised；　and　his
huntsman　every　night　entertains　him　with　the　adventures　of　the
day's　chace；　which　he　recites　in　a　tone　and　terms　that　are
extremely　curious　and　significant。　In　the　mean　time；　his　broad
brawn　is　scratched　by　one　of　his　grooms。　　This　fellow；　it
seems；　having　no　inclination　to　curry　any　beast　out　of　the
stable；　was　at　great　pains　to　scollop　his　nails　in　such　a　manner
that　the　blood　followed　at　every　stroke。　　He　was　in　hopes　that　he
would　be　dismissed　from　this　disagreeable　office；　but　the　event
turned　out　contrary　to　his　expectation。　　His　master　declared　he
was　the　best　scratcher　in　the　family；　and　now　he　will　not　suffer
any　other　servant　to　draw　a　nail　upon　his　carcase。

The　'squire's　lady　is　very　proud；　without　being　stiff　or
inaccessible。　She　receives　even　her　inferiors　in　point　of　fortune
with　a　kind　of　arrogant　civility；　but　then　she　thinks　she　has　a
right　to　treat　them　with　the　most　ungracious　freedoms　of　speech；
and　never　fails　to　let　them　know　she　is　sensible　of　her　own
superior　affluence。　In　a　word；　she　speaks　well　of　no　living　soul；
and　has　not　one　single　friend　in　the　world。　Her　husband　hates　her
mortally；　but；　although　the　brute　is　sometimes　so　very　powerful
in　him　that　he　will　have　his　own　way；　he　generally　truckles　to
her　dominion；　and　dreads；　like　a　school…boy；　the　lash　of　her
tongue。　On　the　other　hand；　she　is　afraid　of　provoking　him　too
far；　lest　he　should　make　some　desperate　effort　to　shake　off　her
yoke。　　She；　therefore；　acquiesces　in　the　proofs　he　daily　gives　of
his　attachment　to　the　liberty　of　an　English　freeholder；　by　saying
and　doing；　at　his　own　table；　whatever　gratifies　the　brutality　of
his　disposition；　or　contributes　to　the　case　of　his　person。　The
house；　though　large；　is　neither　elegant　nor　comfortable。　　It
looks　like　a　great　inn；　crowded　with　travellers；　who　dine　at　the
landlord's　ordinary；　where　there　is　a　great　profusion　of　victuals
and　drink；　but　mine　host　seems　to　be　misplaced；　and　I　would
rather　dine　upon　filberts　with　a　hermit；　than　feed　upon　venison
with　a　hog。　The　footmen　might　be　aptly　compared　to　the　waiters　of
a　tavern；　if　they　were　more　serviceable　and　less　rapacious；　but
they　are　generally　insolent　and　inattentive；　and　so　greedy；　that；
I　think；　I　can　dine　better；　and　for　less　expence；　at　the　Star　and
Garter　in　Pall　mall；　than　at　our　cousin's　castle　in　Yorkshire。
The　'squire　is　not　only　accommodated　with　a　wife；　but　he　is　also
blessed　with　an　only　son；　about　two　and　twenty；　just　returned
from　Italy；　a　complete　fidler　and　dillettante；　and　he　slips　no
opportunity　of　manifesting　the　most　perfect　contempt　for　his　own
father。

When　we　arrived；　there　was　a　family　of　foreigners　at　the　house；
on　a　visit　to　this　virtuoso；　with　whom　they　had　been　acquainted
at　the　Spa；　it　was　the　count　de　Melville；　with　his　lady；　on　their
way　to　Scotland。　Mr　Burdock　had　met　with　an　accident；　in
consequence　of　which　both　the　count　and　I　would　have　retired　but
the　young　gentleman　and　his　mother　insisted　upon　our　staying
dinner；　and　their　serenity　seemed　to　be　so　little　ruffled　by　what
had　happened；　that　we　complied　with　their　invitation。　The　'squire
had　been　brought　home　over　night　in　his　post…chaise；　so　terribly
belaboured　about　the　pate；　that　he　seemed　to　be　in　a　state　of
stupefaction；　and　had　ever　since　remained　speechless。　A　country
apothecary；　called　Grieve；　who　lived　in　a　neighbouring　village；
having　been　called　to　his　assistance；　had　let　him　blood；　and
applied　a　poultice　to　his　head；　declaring；　that　he　had　no　fever；
nor　any　other　bad　symptom　but　the　loss　of　speech；　if　he　really
had　lost　that　faculty。　But　the　young　'squire　said　this
practitioner　was　an　ignorantaccio；　that　there　was　a　fracture　in
the　cranium；　and　that　there　was　a　necessity　for　having　him
trepanned　without　loss　of　time。　His　mother；　espousing　this
opinion；　had　sent　an　express　to　York　for　a　surgeon　to　perform　the
operation；　and　he　was　already　come　with　his　'prentice　and
instruments。　Having　examined　the　patient's　head；　he　began　to
prepare　his　dressings；　though　Grieve　still　retained　his　first
opinion　that　there　was　no　fracture；　and　was　the　more　confirmed　in
it　as　the　'squire　had　passed　the　night　in　profound　sleep；
uninterrupted　by　any　catching　or　convulsion。　The　York　surgeon
said　he　could　not　tell　whether　there　was　a　fracture；　until　he
should　take　off　the　scalp；　but；　at　any　rate；　the　operation　might
be　of　service　in　giving　vent　to　any　blood　that　might　be
extravasated；　either　above　or　below　the　dura　mater。　The　lady　and
her　son　were　clear　for　trying　the　experiment；　and　Grieve　was
dismissed　with　some　marks　of　contempt；　which；　perhaps；　he　owed　to
the　plainness　of　his　appearance。　He　seemed　to　be　about　the　middle
age；　wore　his　own　black　hair　without　any　sort　of　dressing；　by　his
garb；　one　would　have　taken　him　for　a　quaker；　but　he　had　none　of
the　stiffness　of　that　sect；　on　the　contrary　he　was　very
submissive；　respectful；　and　remarkably　taciturn。

Leaving　the　ladies　in　an　apartment　by　themselves；　we　adjourned　to
the　patient's　chamber；　where　the　dressings　and　instruments　were
displayed　in　order　upon　a　pewter　dish。　The　operator；　laying　aside
his　coat　and　periwig；　equipped　himself　with　a　night…cap；　apron；
and　sleeves；　while　his　'prentice　and　footman；　seizing　the
'squire's　head；　began　to　place　it　in　a　proper　posture。　　But　mark
what　followed。　　The　patient；　bolting　upright　in　the　bed；　collared
each　of　these　assistants　with　the　grasp　of　Hercules；　exclaiming；
in　a　bellowing　tone；　'I　ha'n't　lived　so　long　in　Yorkshire　to　be
trepanned　by　such　vermin　a