the expedition of humphry clinker-第38章

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now　set　up　for　themselves　in　various　departments　of　literature。
Not　only　their　talents；　but　also　their　nations　and　dialects　were
so　various；　that　our　conversation　resembled　the　confusion　of
tongues　at　Babel。　We　had　the　Irish　brogue；　the　Scotch　accent；　and
foreign　idiom；　twanged　off　by　the　most　discordant　vociferation；
for；　as　they　all　spoke　together；　no　man　had　any　chance　to　be
heard；　unless　he　could　bawl　louder　than　his　fellows。　It　must　be
owned；　however；　there　was　nothing　pedantic　in　their　discourse；
they　carefully　avoided　all　learned　disquisitions；　and　endeavoured
to　be　facetious；　nor　did　their　endeavours　always　miscarry　　some
droll　repartee　passed；　and　much　laughter　was　excited；　and　if　any
individual　lost　his　temper　so　far　as　to　transgress　the　bounds　of
decorum；　he　was　effectually　checked　by　the　master　of　the　feast；
who　exerted　a　sort　of　paternal　authority　over　this　irritable
tribe。

The　most　learned　philosopher　of　the　whole　collection；　who　had
been　expelled　the　university　for　atheism；　has　made　great　progress
in　a　refutation　of　lord　Bolingbroke's　metaphysical　works；　which
is　said　to　be　equally　ingenious；　and　orthodox；　but；　in　the　mean
time；　he　has　been　presented　to　the　grand　jury　as　a　public
nuisance；　for　having　blasphemed　in　an　ale…house　on　the　Lord's
day。　The　Scotchman　gives　lectures　on　the　pronunciation　of　the
English　language；　which　he　is　now　publishing　by　subscription。

The　Irishman　is　a　political　writer；　and　goes　by　the　name　of　my
Lord　Potatoe。　He　wrote　a　pamphlet　in　vindication　of　a　minister；
hoping　his　zeal　would　be　rewarded　with　some　place　or　pension；
but；　finding　himself　neglected　in　that　quarter；　he　whispered
about；　that　the　pamphlet　was　written　by　the　minister　himself；　and
he　published　an　answer　to　his　own　production。　In　this；　he
addressed　the　author　under　the　title　of　your　lordship　with　such
solemnity；　that　the　public　swallowed　the　deceit；　and　bought　up
the　whole　impression。　The　wise　politicians　of　the　metropolis
declared　they　were　both　masterly　performances；　and　chuckled　over
the　flimsy　reveries　of　an　ignorant　garretteer；　as　the　profound
speculations　of　a　veteran　statesman；　acquainted　with　all　the
secrets　of　the　cabinet。　The　imposture　was　detected　in　the　sequel；
and　our　Hibernian　pamphleteer　retains　no　part　of　his　assumed
importance；　but　the　bare　title　of　my　lord。　and　the　upper　part　of
the　table　at　the　potatoe…ordinary　in　Shoelane。

Opposite　to　me　sat　a　Piedmontese；　who　had　obliged　the　public　with
a　humorous　satire；　intituled；　The　Ballance　of　the　English　Poets；
a　performance　which　evinced　the　great　modesty　and　taste　of　the
author；　and；　in　particular；　his　intimacy　with　the　elegancies　of
the　English　language。　The　sage；　who　laboured　under　the
agrophobia；　or　horror　of　green　fields；　had　just　finished　a
treatise　on　practical　agriculture；　though；　in　fact；　he　had　never
seen　corn　growing　in　his　life；　and　was　so　ignorant　of　grain；　that
our　entertainer；　in　the　face　of　the　whole　company；　made　him　own；
that　a　plate　of　hominy　was　the　best　rice　pudding　he　had　ever　eat。

The　stutterer　had　almost　finished　his　travels　through　Europe　and
part　of　Asia；　without　ever　budging　beyond　the　liberties　of　the
King's　Bench；　except　in　term…time；　with　a　tipstaff　for　his
companion；　and　as　for　little　Tim　Cropdale；　the　most　facetious
member　of　the　whole　society；　he　had　happily　wound　up　the
catastrophe　of　a　virgin　tragedy；　from　the　exhibition　of　which　he
promised　himself　a　large　fund　of　profit　and　reputation。　Tim　had
made　shift　to　live　many　years　by　writing　novels；　at　the　rate　of
five　pounds　a　volume；　but　that　branch　of　business　is　now
engrossed　by　female　authors；　who　publish　merely　for　the
propagation　of　virtue；　with　so　much　ease　and　spirit；　and
delicacy；　and　knowledge　of　the　human　heart；　and　all　in　the　serene
tranquillity　of　high　life；　that　the　reader　is　not　only　inchanted
by　their　genius；　but　reformed　by　their　morality。

After　dinner；　we　adjourned　into　the　garden；　where；　I　observed；　Mr
S　gave　a　short　separate　audience　to　every　individual　in　a　small
remote　filbert　walk；　from　whence　most　of　them　dropt　off　one　after
another；　without　further　ceremony；　but　they　were　replaced　by
fresh　recruits　of　the　same　clan；　who　came　to　make　an　afternoon's
visit；　and；　among　others；　a　spruce　bookseller；　called　Birkin；　who
rode　his　own　gelding；　and　made　his　appearance　in　a　pair　of　new
jemmy　boots；　with　massy　spurs　of　plate。　It　was　not　without
reason；　that　this　midwife　of　the　Muses　used　exercise　a…horseback；
for　he　was　too　fat　to　walk　a…foot；　and　he　underwent　some　sarcasms
from　Tim　Cropdale；　on　his　unwieldy　size　and　inaptitude　for
motion。　Birkin；　who　took　umbrage　at　this　poor　author's　petulance
in　presuming　to　joke　upon　a　man　so　much　richer　than　himself；　told
him；　he　was　not　so　unwieldy　but　that　he　could　move　the　Marshalsea
court　for　a　writ；　and　even　overtake　him　with　it；　if　he　did　not
very　speedily　come　and　settle　accounts　with　him；　respecting　the
expence　of　publishing　his　last　ode　to　the　king　of　Prussia；　of
which　he　had　sold　but　three；　and　one　of　them　was　to　Whitfield　the
methodist。　Tim　affected　to　receive　this　intimation　with　good
humour；　saying；　he　expected　in　a　post　or　two；　from　Potsdam；　a
poem　of　thanks　from　his　Prussian　majesty；　who　knew　very　well　how
to　pay　poets　in　their　own　coin；　but；　in　the　mean　time；　he
proposed；　that　Mr　Birkin　and　he　should　run　three　times　round　the
garden　for　a　bowl　of　punch；　to　be　drank　at　Ashley's　in　the
evening；　and　he　would　run　boots　against　stockings。　The
bookseller；　who　valued　himself　upon　his　mettle；　was　persuaded　to
accept　the　challenge；　and　he　forthwith　resigned　his　boots　to
Cropdale；　who；　when　he　had　put　them　on；　was　no　bad　representation
of　captain　Pistol　in　the　play。

Every　thing　being　adjusted；　they　started　together　with　great
impetuosity；　and；　in　the　second　round；　Birkin　had　clearly　the
advantage；　larding　the　lean　earth　as　he　puff'd　along。　Cropdale
had　no　mind　to　contest　the　victory　further；　but；　in　a　twinkling；
disappeared　through　the　back…door　of　the　garden；　which　opened
into　a　private　lane；　that　had　communication　with　the　high　road。
The　spectators　immediately　began　to　hollow；　'Stole　away！'　and
Birkin　set　off　in　pursuit　of　him　with　great　eagerness；　but　he　had
not　advanced　twenty　yards　in　the　lane；　when　a　thorn　running　into
his　foot；　sent　him　hopping　back　into　the　garden；　roaring　with
pain；　and　swearing　with　vexation。　When　he　was　delivered　from　this
annoyance　by　the　Scotchman；　who　had　been　bred　to　surgery；　he
looked　about　him　wildly；　exclaiming；　'Sure；　the　fellow　won't　be
such　a　rogue　as　to　run　clear　away　with　my　boots！'　Our　landlord；
having　reconnoitered　the　shoes　he　had　left；　which；　indeed；　hardly
deserved　that　name；　'Pray　（said　he）；　Mr　Birkin；　wa'n't　your　boots
made　of　calf…skin？'　'Calf…skin　or　cow…skin　（replied　the　other）
I'll　find　a　slip　of　sheep…skin　that　will　do　his　business　　I　lost
twenty　pounds　by　his　farce　which　you　persuaded　me　to　buy　　I　am
out　of　pocket　five　pounds　by　his　damn'd　ode；　and　now　this　pair　of
boots；　bran　new；　cost　me　thirty　shillings；　as　per　receipt　　But
this　affair　of　the　boots　is　felony　　transportation。　　I'll　have
the　dog　indicted　at　the　Old　Bailey　　I　will；　Mr　S　I　will　be
reveng'd；　even　though　I　should　lose　my　debt　in　consequence　of　his
conviction。'

Mr　S　said　nothing　at　present；　but　accommodated　him　with　a　pair
of　shoes；　then　ordered　his　servant　to　rub　him　down；　and　comfort
him　with　a　glass　of　rum…punch；　which　seemed；　in　a　great　measure；
to　cool　the　rage　of　his　indignation。　'After　all　（said　our
landlord）　this　is　no　more　than　a　humbug　in　the　way　of　wit；　though
it　deserves　a　more　respectable　epithet；　when　considered　as　an
effort　of　invention。　Tim；　being　（I　suppose）　out　of　credit　with
the　cordwainer；　fell　upon　this　ingenious　expedient　to　supply　the
want　of　shoes；　knowing　that　Mr　Birkin；　who　loves　humour；　would
himself　relish　the　joke　upon　a　little　recollection。　Cropdale
literally　lives　by　his　wit；　which　he　has　exercised　upon　all　his
friends　in　their　turns。　He　once　borrowed　my　poney　for　five　or　six
days　to　go　to　Salisbury；　and　sold　him　in　Smithfield　at　his
return。　This　was　a　joke　of　such　a　serious　nature；　that；　in　the
first　transports　of　my　passion；　I　had　some　thoughts