the expedition of humphry clinker-第19章

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Ceremonies　offered　to　hand　her　into　the　chair；　she　rapped　him
over　the　knuckles　with　her　fan。　My　uncle's　footman　being　still　at
the　door；　she　and　Chowder　got　into　the　same　vehicle；　and　were
carried　off　amidst　the　jokes　of　the　chairmen　and　other　populace　
I　had　been　riding　out　on　Clerkendown；　and　happened　to　enter　just
as　the　fracas　was　over　　The　Baronet；　coming　up　to　me　with　an
affected　air　of　chagrin；　recounted　the　adventure；　at　which　I
laughed　heartily；　and　then　his　countenance　cleared　up。　'My　dear
soul　（said　he）　when　I　saw　a　sort　of　a　wild　baist；　snarling　with
open　mouth　at　the　Master　of　the　Ceremonies；　like　the　red　cow
going　to　devour　Tom　Thumb；　I　could　do　no　less　than　go　to　the
assistance　of　the　little　man；　but　I　never　dreamt　the　baist　was
one　of　Mrs　Bramble's　attendants　　O！　if　I　had；　he　might　have　made
his　breakfast　upon　Derrick　and　welcome　　But　you　know；　my　dear
friend；　how　natural　it　is　for　us　Irishmen　to　blunder；　and　to　take
the　wrong　sow　by　the　ear　　However；　I　will　confess　judgment；　and
cry　her　mercy；　and　it　is　to　be　hoped；　a　penitent　sinner　may　be
forgiven。'　I　told　him；　that　as　the　offence　was　not　voluntary　of
his　side；　it　was　to　be　hoped　he　would　not　find　her　implacable。

But；　in　truth；　all　this　concern　was　dissembled。　In　his　approaches
of　gallantry　to　Mrs　Tabitha；　he　had　been　misled　by　a　mistake　of
at　least　six　thousand　pounds；　in　the　calculation　of　her　fortune；
and　in　this　particular　he　was　just　undeceived。　He；　therefore；
seized　the　first　opportunity　of　incurring　her　displeasure
decently；　in　such　a　manner　as　would　certainly　annihilate　the
correspondence；　and　he　could　not　have　taken　a　more　effectual
method；　than　that　of　beating　her　dog。　When　he　presented　himself
at　our　door；　to　pay　his　respects　to　the　offended　fair；　he　was
refused　admittance；　and　given　to　understand　that　he　should　never
find　her　at　home　for　the　future。　She　was　not　so　inaccessible　to
Derrick；　who　came　to　demand　satisfaction　for　the　insult　she　had
offered　to　him；　even　in　the　verge　of　his　own　court。　She　knew　it
was　convenient　to　be　well　with　the　Master　of　the　Ceremonies；
while　she　continued　to　frequent　the　Rooms；　and；　having　heard　he
was　a　poet；　began　to　be　afraid　of　making　her　appearance　in　a
ballad　or　lampoon。　　She　therefore　made　excuses　for　what　she　had
done；　imputing　it　to　the　flutter　of　her　spirits；　and　subscribed
handsomely　for　his　poems：　so　that　he　was　perfectly　appeased；　and
overwhelmed　her　with　a　profusion　of
compliment。　He　even　solicited　a　reconciliation　with　Chowder；
which；　however；　the　latter　declined；　and　he　declared；　that　if　he
could　find　a　precedent　in　the　annals　of　the　Bath；　which　he　would
carefully　examine　for　that　purpose；　her　favourite　should　be
admitted　to　the　next　public　breakfasting　　But；　I；　believe；　she
will　not　expose　herself　or　him　to　the　risque　of　a　second
disgrace　　Who　will　supply　the　place　of　Mackilligut　in　her
affections；　I　cannot　foresee；　but　nothing　in　the　shape　of　man　can
come　amiss。　Though　she　is　a　violent　church…woman；　of　the　most
intolerant　zeal；　I　believe　in　my　conscience　she　would　have　no
objection；　at　present；　to　treat　on　the　score　of　matrimony　with　an
Anabaptist；　Quaker；　or　Jew；　and　even　ratify　the　treaty　at　the
expense　of　her　own　conversion。　But；　perhaps；　I　think　too　hardly
of　this　kinswoman；　who；　I　must　own；　is　very　little　beholden　to
the　good　opinion　of

Yours；
J。　MELFORD
BATH；　May　6。



To　Dr　LEWIS。

You　ask　me；　why　I　don't　take　the　air　a…horseback；　during　this
fine　weather？　　In　which　of　the　avenues　of　this　paradise　would　you
have　me　take　that　exercise？　Shall　I　commit　myself　to　the　high…roads
of　London　or　Bristol；　to　be　stifled　with　dust；　or　pressed
to　death　in　the　midst　of　post…chaises；　flying…machines；　waggons；
and　coal…horses；　besides　the　troops　of　fine　gentlemen　that　take
to　the　highway；　to　shew　their　horsemanship；　and　the　coaches　of
fine　ladies；　who　go　thither　to　shew　their　equipages？　Shall　I
attempt　the　Downs；　and　fatigue　myself　to　death　in　climbing　up　an
eternal　ascent；　without　any　hopes　of　reaching　the　summit？　Know
then；　I　have　made　divers　desperate　leaps　at　those　upper　regions；
but　always　fell　backward　into　this　vapour…pit；　exhausted　and
dispirited　by　those　ineffectual　efforts；　and　here　we　poor
valetudinarians　pant　and　struggle；　like　so　many　Chinese　gudgeons；
gasping　in　the　bottom　of　a　punch…bowl。　By　Heaven　it　is　a　kind　of
enchantment！　If　I　do　not　speedily　break　the　spell；　and　escape；　I
may　chance　to　give　up　the　ghost　in　this　nauseous　stew　of
corruption　　It　was　but　two　nights　ago；　that　I　had　like　to　have
made　my　public　exit；　at　a　minute's　warning。　One　of　my　greatest
weaknesses　is　that　of　suffering　myself　to　be　over…ruled　by　the
opinion　of　people；　whose　judgment　I　despise　　I　own；　with　shame
and　confusion　of　face；　that　importunity　of　any　kind　I　cannot
resist。　This　want　of　courage　and　constancy　is　an　original　flaw　in
my　nature；　which　you　must　have　often　observed　with　compassion；　if
not　with　contempt。　I　am　afraid　some　of　our　boasted　virtues　maybe
traced　up　to　this　defect。

Without　further　preamble；　I　was　persuaded　to　go　to　a　ball；　on
purpose　to　see　Liddy　dance　a　minuet　with　a　young　petulant
jackanapes；　the　only　son　of　a　wealthy　undertaker　from　London；
whose　mother　lodges　in　our　neighbourhood；　and　has　contracted　an
acquaintance　with　Tabby。　I　sat　a　couple　of　long　hours；　half
stifled；　in　the　midst　of　a　noisome　crowd；　and　could　not　help
wondering　that　so　many　hundreds　of　those　that　rank　as　rational
creatures；　could　find　entertainment　in　seeing　a　succession　of
insipid　animals；　describing　the　same　dull　figure　for　a　whole
evening；　on　an　area；　not　much　bigger　than　a　taylor's　shop…board。
If　there　had　been　any　beauty；　grace；　activity；　magnificent　dress；
or　variety　of　any　kind　howsoever　absurd；　to　engage　the　attention；
and　amuse　the　fancy；　I　should　not　have　been　surprised；　but　there
was　no　such　object：　it　was　a　tiresome　repetition　of　the　same
languid；　frivolous　scene；　performed　by　actors　that　seemed　to
sleep　in　all　their　motions。　The　continual　swimming　of　these
phantoms　before　my　eyes；　gave　me　a　swimming　of　the　head；　which
was　also　affected　by　the　fouled　air；　circulating　through　such　a
number　of　rotten　human　bellows。　I　therefore　retreated　towards　the
door；　and　stood　in　the　passage　to　the　next　room；　talking　to　my
friend　Quin；　when　an　end　being　put　to　the　minuets；　the　benches
were　removed　to　make　way　for　the　country…dances；　and　the
multitude　rising　at　once；　the　whole　atmosphere　was　put　in
commotion。　Then；　all　of　a　sudden；　came　rushing　upon　me　an
Egyptian　gale；　so　impregnated　with　pestilential　vapours；　that　my
nerves　were　overpowered；　and　I　dropt　senseless　upon　the　floor。

You　may　easily　conceive　what　a　clamour　and　confusion　this
accident　must　have　produced；　in　such　an　assembly　　I　soon
recovered；　however；　and　found　myself　in　an　easy　chair；　supported
by　my　own　people　　Sister　Tabby；　in　her　great　tenderness；　had　put
me　to　the　torture；　squeezing　my　hand　under　her　arm；　and　stuffing
my　nose　with　spirit　of　hartshorn；　till　the　whole　inside　was
excoriated。　I　no　sooner　got　home；　than　I　sent　for　Doctor　Ch；
who　assured　me　I　needed　not　be　alarmed；　for　my　swooning　was
entirely　occasioned　by　an　accidental　impression　of　fetid　effluvia
upon　nerves　of　uncommon　sensibility。　I　know　not　how　other
people's　nerves　are　constructed；　but　one　would　imagine　they　must
be　made　of　very　coarse　materials；　to　stand　the　shock　of　such　a
torrid　assault。　It　was；　indeed；　a　compound　of　villainous　smells；
in　which　the　most　violent　stinks；　and　the　most　powerful　perfumes；
contended　for　the　mastery。　Imagine　to　yourself　a　high　exalted
essence　of　mingled　odours；　arising　from　putrid　gums；
imposthumated　lungs；　sour　flatulencies；　rank　armpits；　sweating
feet；　running　sores　and　issues；　plasters；　ointments；　and
embrocations；　hungary…water；　spirit　of　lavender；　assafoetida
drops；　musk；　hartshorn；　and　sal　volatile；　besides　a　thousand
frowzy　steams；　which　I　could　not　analyse。　Such；　O　Dick！　is　the
fragrant　aether　we　breathe　in　the　polite　assemblies　of　Bath　　Such
is　the　atmosphere　I　have　exchanged　for　the　pure；　elastic；
animating　air　of　the　Welsh　mountains　　O　Rus；　quando　te　aspiciam！…
　I　wonder　what　the　devil　possessed　me　

But　few　words　ar