winesburg,ohio-第42章

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illed　with　rubbish。　　Old　chairs；　carpen…　ter's　horses；　step　ladders　and　empty　boxes　lay　in　the　darkness　waiting　for　shins　to　be　barked。　　The　pile　of　rubbish　belonged　to　the　Paris　Dry　Goods　Company。　When　a　counter　or　a　row　of　shelves　in　the　store　became　useless；　clerks　carried　it　up　the　stairway　and　threw　it　on　the　pile。

Doctor　Reefy's　office　was　as　large　as　a　barn。　　A　stove　with　a　round　paunch　sat　in　the　middle　of　the　room。　　Around　its　base　was　piled　sawdust；　held　in　place　by　heavy　planks　nailed　to　the　floor。　　By　the　door　stood　a　huge　table　that　had　once　been　a　part　of　the　furniture　of　Herrick's　Clothing　Store　and　that　had　been　used　for　displaying　custom…made　clothes。　It　was　covered　with　books；　bottles；　and　surgical　in…　struments。　　Near　the　edge　of　the　table　lay　three　or　four　apples　left　by　John　Spaniard；　a　tree　nurseryman　who　was　Doctor　Reefy's　friend；　and　who　had　slipped　the　apples　out　of　his　pocket　as　he　came　in　at　the　door。

At　middle　age　Doctor　Reefy　was　tall　and　awk…　ward。　　The　grey　beard　he　later　wore　had　not　yet　ap…　peared；　but　on　the　upper　lip　grew　a　brown　mustache。　He　was　not　a　graceful　man；　as　when　he　grew　older；　and　was　much　occupied　with　the　problem　of　dispos…　ing　of　his　hands　and　feet。

On　summer　afternoons；　when　she　had　been　mar…　ried　many　years　and　when　her　son　George　was　a　boy　of　twelve　or　fourteen；　Elizabeth　Willard　some…　times　went　up　the　worn　steps　to　Doctor　Reefy's　of…　fice。　　Already　the　woman's　naturally　tall　figure　had　begun　to　droop　and　to　drag　itself　listlessly　about。　Ostensibly　she　went　to　see　the　doctor　because　of　her　health；　but　on　the　half　dozen　occasions　when　she　had　been　to　see　him　the　outcome　of　the　visits　did　not　primarily　concern　her　health。　　She　and　the　doctor　talked　of　that　but　they　talked　most　of　her　life；　of　their　two　lives　and　of　the　ideas　that　had　come　to　them　as　they　lived　their　lives　in　Winesburg。

In　the　big　empty　office　the　man　and　the　woman　sat　looking　at　each　other　and　they　were　a　good　deal　alike。　　Their　bodies　were　different；　as　were　also　the　color　of　their　eyes；　the　length　of　their　noses；　and　the　circumstances　of　their　existence；　but　something　inside　them　meant　the　same　thing；　wanted　the　same　release；　would　have　left　the　same　impression　on　the　memory　of　an　onlooker。　　Later；　and　when　he　grew　older　and　married　a　young　wife；　the　doctor　often　talked　to　her　of　the　hours　spent　with　the　sick　woman　and　expressed　a　good　many　things　he　had　been　un…　able　to　express　to　Elizabeth。　　He　was　almost　a　poet　in　his　old　age　and　his　notion　of　what　happened　took　a　poetic　turn。　　〃I　had　come　to　the　time　in　my　life　when　prayer　became　necessary　and　so　I　invented　gods　and　prayed　to　them；〃　he　said。　　〃I　did　not　say　my　prayers　in　words　nor　did　I　kneel　down　but　sat　perfectly　still　in　my　chair。　　In　the　late　afternoon　when　it　was　hot　and　quiet　on　Main　Street　or　in　the　winter　when　the　days　were　gloomy；　the　gods　came　into　the　office　and　I　thought　no　one　knew　about　them。　　Then　I　found　that　this　woman　Elizabeth　knew；　that　she　worshipped　also　the　same　gods。　　I　have　a　notion　that　she　came　to　the　office　because　she　thought　the　gods　would　be　there　but　she　was　happy　to　find　herself　not　alone　just　the　same。　　It　was　an　experience　that　cannot　be　explained；　although　I　suppose　it　is　always　happening　to　men　and　women　in　all　sorts　of　places。〃


On　the　summer　afternoons　when　Elizabeth　and　the　doctor　sat　in　the　office　and　talked　of　their　two　lives　they　talked　of　other　lives　also。　　Sometimes　the　doctor　made　philosophic　epigrams。　　Then　he　chuck…　led　with　amusement。　　Now　and　then　after　a　period　of　silence；　a　word　was　said　or　a　hint　given　that　strangely　illuminated　the　fife　of　the　speaker；　a　wish　became　a　desire；　or　a　dream；　half　dead；　flared　sud…　denly　into　life。　　For　the　most　part　the　words　came　from　the　woman　and　she　said　them　without　looking　at　the　man。

Each　time　she　came　to　see　the　doctor　the　hotel　keeper's　wife　talked　a　little　more　freely　and　after　an　hour　or　two　in　his　presence　went　down　the　stairway　into　Main　Street　feeling　renewed　and　strengthened　against　the　dullness　of　her　days。　　With　something　approaching　a　girlhood　swing　to　her　body　she　walked　along；　but　when　she　had　got　back　to　her　chair　by　the　window　of　her　room　and　when　dark…　ness　had　come　on　and　a　girl　from　the　hotel　dining　room　brought　her　dinner　on　a　tray；　she　let　it　grow　cold。　　Her　thoughts　ran　away　to　her　girlhood　with　its　passionate　longing　for　adventure　and　she　remem…　bered　the　arms　of　men　that　had　held　her　when　ad…　venture　was　a　possible　thing　for　her。　　Particularly　she　remembered　one　who　had　for　a　time　been　her　lover　and　who　in　the　moment　of　his　passion　had　cried　out　to　her　more　than　a　hundred　times；　saying　the　same　words　madly　over　and　over：　〃You　dear！　You　dear！　You　lovely　dear！〃　The　words；　she　thought；　ex…　pressed　something　she　would　have　liked　to　have　achieved　in　life。

In　her　room　in　the　shabby　old　hotel　the　sick　wife　of　the　hotel　keeper　began　to　weep　and；　putting　her　hands　to　her　face；　rocked　back　and　forth。　　The　words　of　her　one　friend；　Doctor　Reefy；　rang　in　her　ears。　〃Love　is　like　a　wind　stirring　the　grass　beneath　trees　on　a　black　night；〃　he　had　said。　　〃You　must　not　try　to　make　love　definite。　　It　is　the　divine　accident　of　life。　If　you　try　to　be　definite　and　sure　about　it　and　to　live　beneath　the　trees；　where　soft　night　winds　blow；　the　long　hot　day　of　disappointment　comes　swiftly　and　the　gritty　dust　from　passing　wagons　gathers　upon　lips　inflamed　and　made　tender　by　kisses。〃

Elizabeth　Willard　could　not　remember　her　mother　who　had　died　when　she　was　but　five　years　old。　　Her　girlhood　had　been　lived　in　the　most　haphazard　man…　ner　imaginable。　　Her　father　was　a　man　who　had　wanted　to　be　let　alone　and　the　affairs　of　the　hotel　would　not　let　him　alone。　　He　also　had　lived　and　died　a　sick　man。　　Every　day　he　arose　with　a　cheerful　face；　but　by　ten　o'clock　in　the　morning　all　the　joy　had　gone　out　of　his　heart。　　When　a　guest　complained　of　the　fare　in　the　hotel　dining　room　or　one　of　the　girls　who　made　up　the　beds　got　married　and　went　away；　he　stamped　on　the　floor　and　swore。　　At　night　when　he　went　to　bed　he　thought　of　his　daughter　growing　up　among　the　stream　of　people　that　drifted　in　and　out　of　the　hotel　and　was　overcome　with　sadness。　　As　the　girl　grew　older　and　began　to　walk　out　in　the　evening　with　men　he　wanted　to　talk　to　her；　but　when　he　tried　was　not　successful。　　He　always　forgot　what　he　wanted　to　say　and　spent　the　time　complain…　ing　of　his　own　affairs。

In　her　girlhood　and　young　womanhood　Elizabeth　had　tried　to　be　a　real　adventurer　in　life。　　At　eighteen　life　had　so　gripped　her　that　she　was　no　longer　a　virgin　but；　although　she　had　a　half　dozen　lovers　before　she　married　Tom　Willard；　she　had　never　en…　tered　upon　an　adventure　prompted　by　desire　alone。　Like　all　the　women　in　the　world；　she　wanted　a　real　lover。　　Always　there　was　something　she　sought　blindly；　passionately；　some　hidden　wonder　in　life。　The　tall　beautiful　girl　with　the　swinging　stride　who　had　walked　under　the　trees　with　men　was　forever　putting　out　her　hand　into　the　darkness　and　trying　to　get　hold　of　some　other　hand。　　In　all　the　babble　of　words　that　fell　from　the　lips　of　the　men　with　whom　she　adventured　she　was　trying　to　find　what　would　be　for　her　the　true　word；

Elizabeth　had　married　Tom　Willard；　a　clerk　in　her　father's　hotel；　because　he　was　at　hand　and　wanted　to　marry　at　the　time　when　the　determination　to　marry　came　to　her。　　For　a　while；　like　most　young　girls；　she　thought　marriage　would　change　the　face　of　life。　　If　there　was　in　her　mind　a　doubt　of　the　out…　come　of　the　marriage　with　Tom　she　brushed　it　aside。　Her　father　was　ill　and　near　death　at　the　time　and　she　was　perplexed　because　of　the　meaningless　out…　come　of　an　affair　in　which　she　had　just　been　in…　volved。　　Other　girls　of　her　age　in　Winesburg　were　marrying　men　she　had　always　known；　grocery　clerks　or　young　farmers。　　In　the　evening　they　walked　in　Main　Street　with　their　husbands　and　when　she　passed　they　smiled　happily。　　She　began　to　think　that　the　fact　of　marriage　might　be　full　of　some　hidden　significance。　　Young　wives　with　whom　she　talked　spoke　softly　and　shyly。　　〃It　changes　things　to　have　a　man　of　your　own；〃　they　said。

On　the　evening　before　her　marriage　the　perplexed　girl　had　a　talk　with　her　father。　　Later　she　wondered　if　the　hours　alone　wi