winesburg,ohio-第15章

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en　built　up　and　that　she　was　living　just　on　the　edge　of　some　warm　inner　circle　of　life　that　must　be　quite　open　and　under…　standable　to　others。　　She　became　obsessed　with　the　thought　that　it　wanted　but　a　courageous　act　on　her　part　to　make　all　of　her　association　with　people　some…　thing　quite　different；　and　that　it　was　possible　by　such　an　act　to　pass　into　a　new　life　as　one　opens　a　door　and　goes　into　a　room。　　Day　and　night　she　thought　of　the　matter；　but　although　the　thing　she　wanted　so　earnestly　was　something　very　warm　and　close　it　had　as　yet　no　conscious　connection　with　sex。　　It　had　not　become　that　definite；　and　her　mind　had　only　alighted　upon　the　person　of　John　Hardy　because　he　was　at　hand　and　unlike　his　sisters　had　not　been　un…　friendly　to　her。

The　Hardy　sisters；　Mary　and　Harriet；　were　both　older　than　Louise。　　In　a　certain　kind　of　knowledge　of　the　world　they　were　years　older。　　They　lived　as　all　of　the　young　women　of　Middle　Western　towns　lived。　　In　those　days　young　women　did　not　go　out　of　our　towns　to　Eastern　colleges　and　ideas　in　regard　to　social　classes　had　hardly　begun　to　exist。　　A　daugh…　ter　of　a　laborer　was　in　much　the　same　social　position　as　a　daughter　of　a　farmer　or　a　merchant；　and　there　were　no　leisure　classes。　　A　girl　was　〃nice〃　or　she　was　〃not　nice。〃　If　a　nice　girl；　she　had　a　young　man　who　came　to　her　house　to　see　her　on　Sunday　and　on　Wednesday　evenings。　　Sometimes　she　went　with　her　young　man　to　a　dance　or　a　church　social。　　At　other　times　she　received　him　at　the　house　and　was　given　the　use　of　the　parlor　for　that　purpose。　　No　one　in…　truded　upon　her。　　For　hours　the　two　sat　behind　closed　doors。　　Sometimes　the　lights　were　turned　low　and　the　young　man　and　woman　embraced。　　Cheeks　became　hot　and　hair　disarranged。　　After　a　year　or　two；　if　the　impulse　within　them　became　strong　and　insistent　enough；　they　married。

One　evening　during　her　first　winter　in　Winesburg；　Louise　had　an　adventure　that　gave　a　new　impulse　to　her　desire　to　break　down　the　wall　that　she　thought　stood　between　her　and　John　Hardy。　　It　was　Wednesday　and　immediately　after　the　evening　meal　Albert　Hardy　put　on　his　hat　and　went　away。　　Young　John　brought　the　wood　and　put　it　in　the　box　in　Louise's　room。　　〃You　do　work　hard；　don't　you？〃　he　said　awkwardly；　and　then　before　she　could　answer　he　also　went　away。

Louise　heard　him　go　out　of　the　house　and　had　a　mad　desire　to　run　after　him。　　Opening　her　window　she　leaned　out　and　called　softly；　〃John；　dear　John；　come　back；　don't　go　away。〃　The　night　was　cloudy　and　she　could　not　see　far　into　the　darkness；　but　as　she　waited　she　fancied　she　could　hear　a　soft　little　noise　as　of　someone　going　on　tiptoes　through　the　trees　in　the　orchard。　　She　was　frightened　and　closed　the　window　quickly。　　For　an　hour　she　moved　about　the　room　trembling　with　excitement　and　when　she　could　not　longer　bear　the　waiting；　she　crept　into　the　hall　and　down　the　stairs　into　a　closet…like　room　that　opened　off　the　parlor。

Louise　had　decided　that　she　would　perform　the　courageous　act　that　had　for　weeks　been　in　her　mind。　She　was　convinced　that　John　Hardy　had　concealed　himself　in　the　orchard　beneath　her　window　and　she　was　determined　to　find　him　and　tell　him　that　she　wanted　him　to　come　close　to　her；　to　hold　her　in　his　arms；　to　tell　her　of　his　thoughts　and　dreams　and　to　listen　while　she　told　him　her　thoughts　and　dreams。　〃In　the　darkness　it　will　be　easier　to　say　things；〃　she　whispered　to　herself；　as　she　stood　in　the　little　room　groping　for　the　door。

And　then　suddenly　Louise　realized　that　she　was　not　alone　in　the　house。　　In　the　parlor　on　the　other　side　of　the　door　a　man's　voice　spoke　softly　and　the　door　opened。　　Louise　just　had　time　to　conceal　herself　in　a　little　opening　beneath　the　stairway　when　Mary　Hardy；　accompanied　by　her　young　man；　came　into　the　little　dark　room。

For　an　hour　Louise　sat　on　the　floor　in　the　darkness　and　listened。　　Without　words　Mary　Hardy；　with　the　aid　of　the　man　who　had　come　to　spend　the　evening　with　her；　brought　to　the　country　girl　a　knowledge　of　men　and　women。　　Putting　her　head　down　until　she　was　curled　into　a　little　ball　she　lay　perfectly　still。　It　seemed　to　her　that　by　some　strange　impulse　of　the　gods；　a　great　gift　had　been　brought　to　Mary　Hardy　and　she　could　not　understand　the　older　wom…　an's　determined　protest。

The　young　man　took　Mary　Hardy　into　his　arms　and　kissed　her。　　When　she　struggled　and　laughed；　he　but　held　her　the　more　tightly。　　For　an　hour　the　contest　between　them　went　on　and　then　they　went　back　into　the　parlor　and　Louise　escaped　up　the　stairs。　　〃I　hope　you　were　quiet　out　there。　　You　must　not　disturb　the　little　mouse　at　her　studies；〃　she　heard　Harriet　saying　to　her　sister　as　she　stood　by　her　own　door　in　the　hallway　above。

Louise　wrote　a　note　to　John　Hardy　and　late　that　night；　when　all　in　the　house　were　asleep；　she　crept　downstairs　and　slipped　it　under　his　door。　　She　was　afraid　that　if　she　did　not　do　the　thing　at　once　her　courage　would　fail。　　In　the　note　she　tried　to　be　quite　definite　about　what　she　wanted。　　〃I　want　someone　to　love　me　and　I　want　to　love　someone；〃　she　wrote。　〃If　you　are　the　one　for　me　I　want　you　to　come　into　the　orchard　at　night　and　make　a　noise　under　my　window。　　It　will　be　easy　for　me　to　crawl　down　over　the　shed　and　come　to　you。　　I　am　thinking　about　it　all　the　time；　so　if　you　are　to　come　at　all　you　must　come　soon。〃

For　a　long　time　Louise　did　not　know　what　would　be　the　outcome　of　her　bold　attempt　to　secure　for　herself　a　lover。　　In　a　way　she　still　did　not　know　whether　or　not　she　wanted　him　to　come。　　Sometimes　it　seemed　to　her　that　to　be　held　tightly　and　kissed　was　the　whole　secret　of　life；　and　then　a　new　impulse　came　and　she　was　terribly　afraid。　　The　age…old　wom…　an's　desire　to　be　possessed　had　taken　possession　of　her；　but　so　vague　was　her　notion　of　life　that　it　seemed　to　her　just　the　touch　of　John　Hardy's　hand　upon　her　own　hand　would　satisfy。　　She　wondered　if　he　would　understand　that。　　At　the　table　next　day　while　Albert　Hardy　talked　and　the　two　girls　whis…　pered　and　laughed；　she　did　not　look　at　John　but　at　the　table　and　as　soon　as　possible　escaped。　　In　the　evening　she　went　out　of　the　house　until　she　was　sure　he　had　taken　the　wood　to　her　room　and　gone　away。　　When　after　several　evenings　of　intense　lis…　tening　she　heard　no　call　from　the　darkness　in　the　orchard；　she　was　half　beside　herself　with　grief　and　decided　that　for　her　there　was　no　way　to　break　through　the　wall　that　had　shut　her　off　from　the　joy　of　life。

And　then　on　a　Monday　evening　two　or　three　weeks　after　the　writing　of　the　note；　John　Hardy　came　for　her。　　Louise　had　so　entirely　given　up　the　thought　of　his　coming　that　for　a　long　time　she　did　not　hear　the　call　that　came　up　from　the　orchard。　　On　the　Friday　evening　before；　as　she　was　being　driven　back　to　the　farm　for　the　week…end　by　one　of　the　hired　men；　she　had　on　an　impulse　done　a　thing　that　had　startled　her；　and　as　John　Hardy　stood　in　the　darkness　below　and　called　her　name　softly　and　insis…　tently；　she　walked　about　in　her　room　and　wondered　what　new　impulse　had　led　her　to　commit　so　ridicu…　lous　an　act。

The　farm　hand；　a　young　fellow　with　black　curly　hair；　had　come　for　her　somewhat　late　on　that　Friday　evening　and　they　drove　home　in　the　darkness。　　Lou…　ise；　whose　mind　was　filled　with　thoughts　of　John　Hardy；　tried　to　make　talk　but　the　country　boy　was　embarrassed　and　would　say　nothing。　　Her　mind　began　to　review　the　loneliness　of　her　childhood　and　she　remembered　with　a　pang　the　sharp　new　loneli…　ness　that　had　just　come　to　her。　　〃I　hate　everyone；〃　she　cried　suddenly；　and　then　broke　forth　into　a　ti…　rade　that　frightened　her　escort。　　〃I　hate　father　and　the　old　man　Hardy；　too；〃　she　declared　vehemently。　〃I　get　my　lessons　there　in　the　school　in　town　but　I　hate　that　also。〃

Louise　frightened　the　farm　hand　still　more　by　turning　and　putting　her　cheek　down　upon　his　shoul…　der。　　Vaguely　she　hoped　that　he　like　that　young　man　who　had　stood　in　the　darkness　with　Mary　would　put　his　arms　about　her　and　kiss　her；　but　the　country　boy　was　only　alarmed。　　He　struck　the　horse　with　the　whip　and　began　to　whistle。　　〃The　road　is　rough；　eh？〃　he　said　loudly。　　Louise　was　so　angry　that　reaching　up　she　snatched　his　hat　from　his　head　and　threw　it　into　the　road。　　When　he　jumped　out　of　the　buggy　and　went　to　get　it；　she　drove　off　and　left　hi