the club of queer trades-第13章

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　you're　'is　mother。'

〃‘When　first　I　saw　'er　picture；'　said　the　man　Bill；　shaking　his　head　in　a　ruminant　manner；　‘when　I　first　saw　it　I　saidold　Shorter。　Those　were　my　exact　wordsold　Shorter。'

〃‘What　do　you　mean；　you　wild　creatures？'　　I　gasped。　‘What　am　I　to　do？'

〃‘That's　easy　said；　your　'oldness；'　said　the　man　with　the　revolver；　good…humouredly；　‘you've　got　to　put　on　those　clothes；'　and　he　pointed　to　a　poke…bonnet　and　a　heap　of　female　clothes　in　the　corner　of　the　room。

〃I　will　not　dwell；　Mr　Swinburne；　upon　the　details　of　what　followed。　I　had　no　choice。　I　could　not　fight　five　men；　to　say　nothing　of　a　loaded　pistol。　In　five　minutes；　sir；　the　Vicar　of　Chuntsey　was　dressed　as　an　old　womanas　somebody　else's　mother；　if　you　pleaseand　was　dragged　out　of　the　house　to　take　part　in　a　crime。

〃It　was　already　late　in　the　afternoon；　and　the　nights　of　winter　were　closing　in　fast。　On　a　dark　road；　in　a　blowing　wind；　we　set　out　towards　the　lonely　house　of　Colonel　Hawker；　perhaps　the　queerest　cortege　that　ever　straggled　up　that　or　any　other　road。　To　every　human　eye；　in　every　external；　we　were　six　very　respectable　old　ladies　of　small　means；　in　black　dresses　and　refined　but　antiquated　bonnets；　and　we　were　really　five　criminals　and　a　clergyman。

〃I　will　cut　a　long　story　short。　My　brain　was　whirling　like　a　windmill　as　I　walked；　trying　to　think　of　some　manner　of　escape。　To　cry　out；　so　long　as　we　were　far　from　houses；　would　be　suicidal；　for　it　would　be　easy　for　the　ruffians　to　knife　me　or　to　gag　me　and　fling　me　into　a　ditch。　On　the　other　hand；　to　attempt　to　stop　strangers　and　explain　the　situation　was　impossible；　because　of　the　frantic　folly　of　the　situation　itself。　Long　before　I　had　persuaded　the　chance　postman　or　carrier　of　so　absurd　a　story；　my　companions　would　certainly　have　got　off　themselves；　and　in　all　probability　would　have　carried　me　off；　as　a　friend　of　theirs　who　had　the　misfortune　to　be　mad　or　drunk。　The　last　thought；　however；　was　an　inspiration；　though　a　very　terrible　one。　Had　it　come　to　this；　that　the　Vicar　of　Chuntsey　must　pretend　to　be　mad　or　drunk？　It　had　come　to　this。

〃I　walked　along　with　the　rest　up　the　deserted　road；　imitating　and　keeping　pace；　as　far　as　I　could；　with　their　rapid　and　yet　lady…like　step；　until　at　length　I　saw　a　lamp…post　and　a　policeman　standing　under　it。　I　had　made　up　my　mind。　Until　we　reached　them　we　were　all　equally　demure　and　silent　and　swift。　When　we　reached　them　I　suddenly　flung　myself　against　the　railings　and　roared　out：　‘Hooray！　Hooray！　Hooray！　Rule　Britannia！　Get　your　'air　cut。　Hoop…la！　Boo！'　It　was　a　condition　of　no　little　novelty　for　a　man　in　my　position。

〃The　constable　instantly　flashed　his　lantern　on　me；　or　the　draggled；　drunken　old　woman　that　was　my　travesty。　‘Now　then；　mum；'　he　began　gruffly。

〃‘Come　along　quiet；　or　I'll　eat　your　heart；'　cried　Sam　in　my　ear　hoarsely。　‘Stop；　or　I'll　flay　you。'　It　was　frightful　to　hear　the　words　and　see　the　neatly　shawled　old　spinster　who　whispered　them。

〃I　yelled；　and　yelledI　was　in　for　it　now。　I　screamed　comic　refrains　that　vulgar　young　men　had　sung；　to　my　regret；　at　our　village　concerts；　I　rolled　to　and　fro　like　a　ninepin　about　to　fall。

〃‘If　you　can't　get　your　friend　on　quiet；　ladies；'　said　the　policeman；　‘I　shall　have　to　take　'er　up。　Drunk　and　disorderly　she　is　right　enough。'

〃I　redoubled　my　efforts。　I　had　not　been　brought　up　to　this　sort　of　thing；　but　I　believe　I　eclipsed　myself。　Words　that　I　did　not　know　I　had　ever　heard　of　seemed　to　come　pouring　out　of　my　open　mouth。

〃‘When　we　get　you　past；'　whispered　Bill；　‘you'll　howl　louder；　you'll　howl　louder　when　we're　burning　your　feet　off。'

〃I　screamed　in　my　terror　those　awful　songs　of　joy。　In　all　the　nightmares　that　men　have　ever　dreamed；　there　has　never　been　anything　so　blighting　and　horrible　as　the　faces　of　those　five　men；　looking　out　of　their　poke…bonnets；　the　figures　of　district　visitors　with　the　faces　of　devils。　I　cannot　think　there　is　anything　so　heart…breaking　in　hell。

〃For　a　sickening　instant　I　thought　that　the　bustle　of　my　companions　and　the　perfect　respectability　of　all　our　dresses　would　overcome　the　policeman　and　induce　him　to　let　us　pass。　He　wavered；　so　far　as　one　can　describe　anything　so　solid　as　a　policeman　as　wavering。　I　lurched　suddenly　forward　and　ran　my　head　into　his　chest；　calling　out　（if　I　remember　correctly）；　‘Oh；　crikey；　blimey；　Bill。'　It　was　at　that　moment　that　I　remembered　most　dearly　that　I　was　the　Vicar　of　Chuntsey；　in　Essex。

〃My　desperate　coup　saved　me。　The　policeman　had　me　hard　by　the　back　of　the　neck。

〃‘You　come　along　with　me；'　he　began；　but　Bill　cut　in　with　his　perfect　imitation　of　a　lady's　finnicking　voice。

〃‘Oh；　pray；　constable；　don't　make　a　disturbance　with　our　poor　friend。　We　will　get　her　quietly　home。　She　does　drink　too　much；　but　she　is　quite　a　ladyonly　eccentric。'

〃‘She　butted　me　in　the　stomach；'　said　the　policeman　briefly。

〃‘Eccentricities　of　genius；'　said　Sam　earnestly。

〃‘Pray　let　me　take　her　home；'　reiterated　Bill；　in　the　resumed　character　of　Miss　James；　‘she　wants　looking　after。'　‘She　does；'　said　the　policeman；　‘but　I'll　look　after　her。'

〃‘That's　no　good；'　cried　Bill　feverishly。　‘She　wants　her　friends。　She　wants　a　particular　medicine　we've　got。'

〃‘Yes；'　assented　Miss　Mowbray；　with　excitement；　‘no　other　medicine　any　good；　constable。　Complaint　quite　unique。'

〃‘I'm　all　righ'。　Cutchy；　cutchy；　coo！'　remarked；　to　his　eternal　shame；　the　Vicar　of　Chuntsey。

〃‘Look　here；　ladies；'　said　the　constable　sternly；　‘I　don't　like　the　eccentricity　of　your　friend；　and　I　don't　like　'er　songs；　or　'er　'ead　in　my　stomach。　And　now　I　come　to　think　of　it；　I　don't　like　the　looks　of　you　I've　seen　many　as　quiet　dressed　as　you　as　was　wrong　'uns。　Who　are　you？'

〃‘We've　not　our　cards　with　us；'　said　Miss　Mowbray；　with　indescribable　dignity。　‘Nor　do　we　see　why　we　should　be　insulted　by　any　Jack…in…office　who　chooses　to　be　rude　to　ladies；　when　he　is　paid　to　protect　them。　If　you　choose　to　take　advantage　of　the　weakness　of　our　unfortunate　friend；　no　doubt　you　are　legally　entitled　to　take　her。　But　if　you　fancy　you　have　any　legal　right　to　bully　us；　you　will　find　yourself　in　the　wrong　box。'

〃The　truth　and　dignity　of　this　staggered　the　policeman　for　a　moment。　Under　cover　of　their　advantage　my　five　persecutors　turned　for　an　instant　on　me　faces　like　faces　of　the　damned　and　then　swished　off　into　the　darkness。　When　the　constable　first　turned　his　lantern　and　his　suspicions　on　to　them；　I　had　seen　the　telegraphic　look　flash　from　face　to　face　saying　that　only　retreat　was　possible　now。

〃By　this　time　I　was　sinking　slowly　to　the　pavement；　in　a　state　of　acute　reflection。　So　long　as　the　ruffians　were　with　me；　I　dared　not　quit　the　role　of　drunkard。　For　if　I　had　begun　to　talk　reasonably　and　explain　the　real　case；　the　officer　would　merely　have　thought　that　I　was　slightly　recovered　and　would　have　put　me　in　charge　of　my　friends。　Now；　however；　if　I　liked　I　might　safely　undeceive　him。

〃But　I　confess　I　did　not　like。　The　chances　of　life　are　many；　and　it　may　doubtless　sometimes　lie　in　the　narrow　path　of　duty　for　a　clergyman　of　the　Church　of　England　to　pretend　to　be　a　drunken　old　woman；　but　such　necessities　are；　I　imagine；　sufficiently　rare　to　appear　to　many　improbable。　Suppose　the　story　got　about　that　I　had　pretended　to　be　drunk。　Suppose　people　did　not　all　think　it　was　pretence！

〃I　lurched　up；　the　policeman　half…lifting　me。　I　went　along　weakly　and　quietly　for　about　a　hundred　yards。　The　officer　evidently　thought　that　I　was　too　sleepy　and　feeble　to　effect　an　escape；　and　so　held　me　lightly　and　easily　enough。　Past　one　turning；　two　turnings；　three　turnings；　four　turnings；　he　trailed　me　with　him；　a　limp　and　slow　and　reluctant　figure。　At　the　fourth　turning；　I　suddenly　broke　from　his　hand　and　tore　down　the　street　like　a　maddened　stag。　He　was　unprepared；　he　was　heavy；　and　it　was　dark。　I　ran　and　ran　and　ran；　and　in　five　minutes'　running；　found　I　was　gaining。　In　half　an　hour　I　was　out　in　the　fields　under　the　holy　and　blessed　stars；　where　I　tore　off　my　accursed　shawl　and　bonnet　and　buried　them　in　clean　earth。〃

The　old　gentleman　had　finished　his　story　and　leant　back　in　his　chair。　Both　the　matter　and　the　manner　of　his　narration　had；　as　time　went　on；　impressed　me　favourably。　He　was　an