memoirs of carwin the biloquist(卡尔维恩)-第9章
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own time； the selection of my own occupations and companions should
belong to myself。
But these privileges； though while listening to his arguments I could
not deny them to be valuable； I would have willingly dispensed with。
The solitude in which I lived became daily more painful。 I ate and drank；
enjoyed clothing and shelter； without the exercise of forethought or
industry； I walked and sat； went out and returned for as long and at what
seasons I thought proper； yet my condition was a fertile source of
discontent。
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
I felt myself removed to a comfortless and chilling distance from
Ludloe。 I wanted to share in his occupations and views。 With all his
ingenuousness of aspect and overflow of thoughts； when he allowed me
his company； I felt myself painfully bewildered with regard to his genuine
condition and sentiments。
He had it in his power to introduce me to society； and without an
introduction； it was scarcely possible to gain access to any social circle or
domestic fireside。 Add to this； my own obscure prospects and dubious
situation。 Some regular intellectual pursuit would render my state less
irksome； but I had hitherto adopted no scheme of this kind。
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
Chapter V。
Time tended； in no degree； to alleviate my dissatisfaction。 It increased
till the determination became at length formed of opening my thoughts to
Ludloe。 At the next breakfast interview which took place； I introduced
the subject； and expatiated without reserve； on the state of my feelings。 I
concluded with entreating him to point out some path in which my talents
might be rendered useful to himself or to mankind。
After a pause of some minutes； he said； What would you do？ You
forget the immaturity of your age。 If you are qualified to act a part in the
theatre of life； step forth； but you are not qualified。 You want knowledge；
and with this you ought previously to endow yourself。 。 。 。 。 Means； for
this end； are within your reach。 Why should you waste your time in
idleness； and torment yourself with unprofitable wishes？ Books are at
hand 。 。 。 。 books from which most sciences and languages can be learned。
Read； analise； digest； collect facts； and investigate theories： ascertain the
dictates of reason； and supply yourself with the inclination and the power
to adhere to them。 You will not； legally speaking； be a man in less than
three years。 Let this period be devoted to the acquisition of wisdom。
Either stay here； or retire to an house I have on the banks of Killarney；
where you will find all the conveniences of study。
I could not but reflect with wonder at this man's treatment of me。 I
could plead none of the rights of relationship； yet I enjoyed the privileges
of a son。 He had not imparted to me any scheme； by pursuit of which I
might finally compensate him for the expense to which my maintenance
and education would subject him。 He gave me reason to hope for the
continuance of his bounty。 He talked and acted as if my fortune were
totally disjoined from his； yet was I indebted to him for the morsel which
sustained my life。 Now it was proposed to withdraw myself to studious
leisure； and romantic solitude。 All my wants； personal and intellectual；
were to be supplied gratuitously and copiously。 No means were
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
prescribed by which I might make compensation for all these benefits。 In
conferring them he seemed to be actuated by no view to his own ultimate
advantage。 He took no measures to secure my future services。
I suffered these thoughts to escape me； on this occasion； and observed
that to make my application successful； or useful； it was necessary to
pursue some end。 I must look forward to some post which I might
hereafter occupy beneficially to myself or others； and for which all the
efforts of my mind should be bent to qualify myself。
These hints gave him visible pleasure； and now； for the first time； he
deigned to advise me on this head。 His scheme； however； was not
suddenly produced。 The way to it was circuitous and long。 It was his
business to make every new step appear to be suggested by my own
reflections。 His own ideas were the seeming result of the moment； and
sprung out of the last idea that was uttered。 Being hastily taken up； they
were； of course； liable to objection。 These objections； sometimes occurring
to me and sometimes to him； were admitted or contested with the utmost
candour。 One scheme went through numerous modifications before it
was proved to be ineligible； or before it yielded place to a better。 It was
easy to perceive； that books alone were insufficient to impart knowledge：
that man must be examined with our own eyes to make us acquainted with
their nature： that ideas collected from observation and reading； must
correct and illustrate each other： that the value of all principles； and their
truth； lie in their practical effects。 Hence； gradually arose； the usefulness
of travelling； of inspecting the habits and manners of a nation； and
investigating； on the spot； the causes of their happiness and misery。
Finally； it was determined that Spain was more suitable than any other； to
the views of a judicious traveller。
My language； habits； and religion were mentioned as obstacles to close
and extensive views； but these difficulties successively and slowly
vanished。 Converse with books； and natives of Spain； a steadfast purpose
and unwearied diligence would efface all differences between me and a
Castilian with respect to speech。 Personal habits； were changeable； by the
same means。 The bars to unbounded intercourse； rising from the religion
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
of Spain being irreconcilably opposite to mine； cost us no little trouble to
surmount； and here the skill of Ludloe was eminently displayed。
I had been accustomed to regard as unquestionable； the fallacy of the
Romish faith。 This persuasion was habitual and the child of prejudice；
and was easily shaken by the artifices of this logician。 I was first led to
bestow a kind of assent on the doctrines of the Roman church； but my
convictions were easily subdued by a new species of argumentation； and；
in a short time； I reverted to my ancient disbelief； so that； if an exterior
conformity to the rights of Spain were requisite to the attainment of my
purpose； that conformity must be dissembled。
My moral principles had hitherto been vague and unsettled。
