memoirs of carwin the biloquist(卡尔维恩)-第21章
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which terminated with my departure； as his companion； for Europe； his
pauses were； I thought； a little longer and more museful than I liked。 At
this period； our first conference ended。 After a talk； which had
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
commenced at a late hour； and had continued many hours； it was time to
sleep； and it was agreed that next morning the conference should be
renewed。
On retiring to my pillow； and reviewing all the circumstances of this
interview； my mind was filled with apprehension and disquiet。 I seemed
to recollect a thousand things； which showed that Ludloe was not fully
satisfied with my part in this interview。 A strange and nameless mixture of
wrath and of pity appeared； on recollection； in the glances which； from
time to time； he cast upon me。 Some emotion played upon his features；
in which； as my fears conceived； there was a tincture of resentment and
ferocity。 In vain I called my usual sophistries to my aid。 In vain I
pondered on the inscrutable nature of my peculiar faculty。 In vain I
endeavoured to persuade myself； that； by telling the truth； instead of
entitling myself to Ludloe's approbation； I should only excite his anger； by
what he could not but deem an attempt to impose upon his belief an
incredible tale of impossible events。 I had never heard or read of any
instance of this faculty。 I supposed the case to be absolutely singular； and
I should be no more entitled to credit in proclaiming it； than if I should
maintain that a certain billet of wood possessed the faculty of articulate
speech。 It was now； however； too late to retract。 I had been guilty of a
solemn and deliberate concealment。 I was now in the path in which there
was no turning back； and I must go forward。
The return of day's encouraging beams in some degree quieted my
nocturnal terrors； and I went； at the appointed hour； to Ludloe's presence。
I found him with a much more cheerful aspect than I expected； and began
to chide myself； in secret； for the folly of my late apprehensions。
After a little pause； he reminded me； that he was only one among
many； engaged in a great and arduous design。 As each of us； continued
he； is mortal； each of us must； in time； yield his post to another。Each of
us is ambitious to provide himself a successor； to have his place filled by
one selected and instructed by himself。 All our personal feelings and
affections are by no means intended to be swallowed up by a passion for
the general interest； when they can be kept alive and be brought into play；
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
in subordination and subservience to the ~~great end~~； they are
cherished as useful； and revered as laudable； and whatever austerity and
rigour you may impute to my character； there are few more susceptible of
personal regards than I am。
You cannot know； till ~~you~~ are what ~~I~~ am； what deep； what
all…absorbing interest I have in the success of my tutorship on this
occasion。 Most joyfully would I embrace a thousand deaths； rather than
that you should prove a recreant。 The consequences of any failure in
your integrity will； it is true； be fatal to yourself： but there are some
minds； of a generous texture； who are more impatient under ills they have
inflicted upon others； than of those they have brought upon themselves；
who had rather perish； themselves； in infamy； than bring infamy or death
upon a benefactor。
Perhaps of such noble materials is your mind composed。 If I had not
thought so； you would never have been an object of my regard； and
therefore； in the motives that shall impel you to fidelity； sincerity； and
perseverance； some regard to my happiness and welfare will； no doubt；
have place。
And yet I exact nothing from you on this score。 If your own safety
be insufficient to controul you； you are not fit for us。 There is； indeed；
abundant need of all possible inducements to make you faithful。 The
task of concealing nothing from me must be easy。 That of concealing
every thing from others must be the only arduous one。 The ~~first~~ you
can hardly fail of performing； when the exigence requires it； for what
motive can you possibly have to practice evasion or disguise with me？
You have surely committed no crime； you have neither robbed； nor
murdered； nor betrayed。 If you have； there is no room for the fear of
punishment or the terror of disgrace to step in； and make you hide your
guilt from me。 You cannot dread any further disclosure； because I can
have no interest in your ruin or your shame： and what evil could ensue
the confession of the foulest murder； even before a bench of magistrates；
more dreadful than that which will inevitably follow the practice of the
least concealment to me； or the least undue disclosure to others？
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
You cannot easily conceive the emphatical solemnity with which this
was spoken。 Had he fixed piercing eyes on me while he spoke； had I
perceived him watching my looks； and labouring to penetrate my secret
thoughts； I should doubtless have been ruined： but he fixed his eyes
upon the floor； and no gesture or look indicated the smallest suspicion of
my conduct。 After some pause； he continued； in a more pathetic tone；
while his whole frame seemed to partake of his mental agitation。
I am greatly at a loss by what means to impress you with a full
conviction of the truth of what I have just said。 Endless are the
sophistries by which we seduce ourselves into perilous and doubtful paths。
What we do not see； we disbelieve； or we heed not。 The sword may
descend upon our infatuated head from above； but we who are； meanwhile；
busily inspecting the ground at our feet； or gazing at the scene around us；
are not aware or apprehensive of its irresistible coming。 In this case； it
must not be seen before it is felt； or before that time comes when the
danger of incurring it is over。 I cannot withdraw the veil； and disclose to
your view the exterminating angel。 All must be vacant and blank； and
the danger that stands armed with death at your elbow must continue to be
totally invisible； till that moment when its vengeance is provoked or
unprovokable。 I will do my part to encourage you in good； or intimidate
you from evil。 I am anxious to set before you all the motives which are
fitted to influence your conduct； but how
