memoirs of carwin the biloquist(卡尔维恩)-第13章
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mention； mention not again。 Admit not even a doubt as to the propriety
of hiding it from all the world。 There are eyes who will discern this
doubt amidst the closest folds of your heart； and your life will instantly be
sacrificed。
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
At present be the subject dismissed。 Reflect deeply on the duty
which you have already incurred。 Think upon your strength of mind； and
be careful not to lay yourself under impracticable obligations。 It will
always be in your power to recede。 Even after you are solemnly enrolled
a member； you may consult the dictates of your own understanding； and
relinquish your post； but while you live； the obligation to be silent will
perpetually attend you。
We seek not the misery or death of any one； but we are swayed by an
immutable calculation。 Death is to be abhorred； but the life of the
betrayer is productive of more evil than his death： his death； therefore；
we chuse； and our means are instantaneous and unerring。
I love you。 The first impulse of my love is to dissuade you from
seeking to know more。 Your mind will be full of ideas； your hands will
be perpetually busy to a purpose into which no human creature； beyond
the verge of your brotherhood； must pry。 Believe me； who have made the
experiment； that compared with this task； the task of inviolable secrecy； all
others are easy。 To be dumb will not suffice； never to know any
remission in your zeal or your watchfulness will not suffice。 If the
sagacity of others detect your occupations； however strenuously you may
labour for concealment； your doom is ratified； as well as that of the wretch
whose evil destiny led him to pursue you。
Yet if your fidelity fail not； great will be your recompence。 For all your
toils and self…devotion； ample will be the retribution。 Hitherto you have
been wrapt in darkness and storm； then will you be exalted to a pure and
unruffled element。 It is only for a time that temptation will environ you；
and your path will be toilsome。 In a few years you will be permitted to
withdraw to a land of sages； and the remainder of your life will glide away
in the enjoyments of beneficence and wisdom。
Think deeply on what I have said。 Investigate your own motives and
opinions； and prepare to submit them to the test of numerous hazards and
experiments。
Here my friend passed to a new topic。 I was desirous of reverting to
this subject； and obtaining further information concerning it； but he
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
assiduously repelled all my attempts； and insisted on my bestowing deep
and impartial attention on what had already been disclosed。 I was not
slow to comply with his directions。 My mind refused to admit any other
theme of contemplation than this。
As yet I had no glimpse of the nature of this fraternity。 I was
permitted to form conjectures； and previous incidents bestowed but one
form upon my thoughts。 In reviewing the sentiments and deportment of
Ludloe； my belief continually acquired new strength。 I even recollected
hints and ambiguous allusions in his discourse； which were easily solved；
on the supposition of the existence of a new model of society； in some
unsuspected corner of the world。
I did not fully perceive the necessity of secrecy； but this necessity
perhaps would be rendered apparent； when I should come to know the
connection that subsisted between Europe and this imaginary colony。
But what was to be done？ I was willing to abide by these conditions。
My understanding might not approve of all the ends proposed by this
fraternity； and I had liberty to withdraw from it； or to refuse to ally myself
with them。 That the obligation of secrecy should still remain； was
unquestionably reasonable。
It appeared to be the plan of Ludloe rather to damp than to stimulate
my zeal。 He discouraged all attempts to renew the subject in
conversation。 He dwelt upon the arduousness of the office to which I
aspired； the temptations to violate my duty with which I should be
continually beset； the inevitable death with which the slightest breach of
my engagements would be followed； and the long apprenticeship which it
would be necessary for me to serve； before I should be fitted to enter into
this conclave。
Sometimes my courage was depressed by these representations。 。 。 。 。 。
My zeal； however； was sure to revive； and at length Ludloe declared
himself willing to assist me in the accomplishment of my wishes。 For
this end； it was necessary； he said； that I should be informed of a second
obligation； which every candidate must assume。 Before any one could be
deemed qualified； he must be thoroughly known to his associates。 For
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
this end； he must determine to disclose every fact in his history； and every
secret of his heart。 I must begin with making these confessions with
regard to my past life； to Ludloe； and must continue to communicate； at
stated seasons； every new thought； and every new occurrence； to him。
This confidence was to be absolutely limitless： no exceptions were to be
admitted； and no reserves to be practised； and the same penalty attended
the infraction of this rule as of the former。 Means would be employed；
by which the slightest deviation； in either case； would be detected； and the
deathful consequence would follow with instant and inevitable expedition。
If secrecy were difficult to practise； sincerity； in that degree in which it
was here demanded； was a task infinitely more arduous； and a period of
new deliberation was necessary before I should decide。 I was at liberty
to pause： nay； the longer was the period of deliberation which I took； the
better； but； when I had once entered this path； it was not in my power to
recede。 After having solemnly avowed my resolution to be thus sincere in
my confession； any particle of reserve or duplicity would cost me my life。
This indeed was a subject to be deeply thought upon。 Hitherto I had
been guilty of concealment with regard to my friend。 I had entered into
no formal compact； but had been conscious to a kind of tacit obligation to
hide no important transaction of my life from him。 This consciousness
was the source of continual anxiety。 I had exerted； on numerous
occasions； my bivocal faculty； but； in my intercourse with Ludloe； had
suffered not the slightest intimation to escape me with regard to it。 This
reserve was not easily explained。 It was； in a great degree； the product of
habit； but I likewise considered that
