the diary of a nobody-第13章
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November 22。 … Gowing and Cummings dropped in during the evening。 Lupin also came in； bringing his friend； Mr。 Burwin…Fosselton … one of the 〃Holloway Comedians〃 … who was at our party the other night； and who cracked our little round table。 Happy to say Daisy Mutlar was never referred to。 The conversation was almost entirely monopolised by the young fellow Fosselton； who not only looked rather like Mr。 Irving； but seemed to imagine that he WAS the celebrated actor。 I must say he gave some capital imitations of him。 As he showed no signs of moving at supper time； I said： 〃If you like to stay； Mr。 Fosselton； for our usual crust … pray do。〃 He replied： 〃Oh！ thanks； but please call me Burwin…Fosselton。 It is a double name。 There are lots of Fosseltons； but please call me Burwin…Fosselton。〃
He began doing the Irving business all through supper。 He sank so low down in his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the table； and twice he kicked Carrie under the table； upset his wine； and flashed a knife uncomfortably near Gowing's face。 After supper he kept stretching out his legs on the fender； indulging in scraps of quotations from plays which were Greek to me； and more than once knocked over the fire…irons； making a hideous row … poor Carrie already having a bad head…ache。
When he went； he said； to our surprise： 〃I will come to…morrow and bring my Irving make…up。〃 Gowing and Cummings said they would like to see it and would come too。 I could not help thinking they might as well give a party at my house while they are about it。 However； as Carrie sensibly said： 〃Do anything； dear； to make Lupin forget the Daisy Mutlar business。〃
November 23。 … In the evening； Cummings came early。 Gowing came a little later and brought； without asking permission； a fat and； I think； very vulgar…looking man named Padge； who appeared to be all moustache。 Gowing never attempted any apology to either of us； but said Padge wanted to see the Irving business； to which Padge said： 〃That's right；〃 and that is about all he DID say during the entire evening。 Lupin came in and seemed in much better spirits。 He had prepared a bit of a surprise。 Mr。 Burwin…Fosselton had come in with him； but had gone upstairs to get ready。 In half…an…hour Lupin retired from the parlour； and returning in a few minutes； announced 〃Mr。 Henry Irving。〃
I must say we were all astounded。 I never saw such a resemblance。 It was astonishing。 The only person who did not appear interested was the man Padge； who had got the best arm…chair； and was puffing away at a foul pipe into the fireplace。 After some little time I said； 〃Why do actors always wear their hair so long？〃 Carrie in a moment said； 〃Mr。 Hare doesn't wear long HAIR。〃 How we laughed except Mr。 Fosselton； who said； in a rather patronising kind of way； 〃The joke； Mrs。 Pooter； is extremely appropriate； if not altogether new。〃 Thinking this rather a snub； I said： 〃Mr。 Fosselton； I fancy … 〃 He interrupted me by saying： 〃Mr。 BURWIN… Fosselton； if you please；〃 which made me quite forget what I was going to say to him。 During the supper Mr。 Burwin…Fosselton again monopolised the conversation with his Irving talk； and both Carrie and I came to the conclusion one can have even too much imitation of Irving。 After supper； Mr。 Burwin…Fosselton got a little too boisterous over his Irving imitation； and suddenly seizing Gowing by the collar of his coat； dug his thumb…nail； accidentally of course； into Gowing's neck and took a piece of flesh out。 Gowing was rightly annoyed； but that man Padge； who having declined our modest supper in order that he should not lose his comfortable chair； burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at the little misadventure。 I was so annoyed at the conduct of Padge； I said： 〃I suppose you would have laughed if he had poked Mr。 Gowing's eye out？〃 to which Padge replied： 〃That's right；〃 and laughed more than ever。 I think perhaps the greatest surprise was when we broke up； for Mr。 Burwin…Fosselton said： 〃Good…night； Mr。 Pooter。 I'm glad you like the imitation； I'll bring THE OTHER MAKE…UP TO…MORROW NIGHT。〃
November 24。 … I went to town without a pocket…handkerchief。 This is the second time I have done this during the last week。 I must be losing my memory。 Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar business； I would have written to Mr。 Burwin…Fosselton and told him I should be out this evening； but I fancy he is the sort of young man who would come all the same。
Dear old Cummings came in the evening； but Gowing sent round a little note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up； which rather amused me。 He added that his neck was still painful。 Of course； Burwin…Fosselton came； but Lupin never turned up； and imagine my utter disgust when that man Padge actually came again； and not even accompanied by Gowing。 I was exasperated； and said： 〃Mr。 Padge； this is a SURPRISE。〃 Dear Carrie； fearing unpleasantness； said： 〃Oh！ I suppose Mr。 Padge has only come to see the other Irving make…up。〃 Mr。 Padge said： 〃That's right；〃 and took the best chair again； from which he never moved the whole evening。
My only consolation is； he takes no supper； so he is not an expensive guest； but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter。 The Irving imitations and conversations occupied the whole evening； till I was sick of it。 Once we had a rather heated discussion； which was commenced by Cummings saying that it appeared to him that Mr。 Burwin…Fosselton was not only LIKE Mr。 Irving； but was in his judgment every way as GOOD or even BETTER。 I ventured to remark that after all it was but an imitation of an original。
Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the originals。 I made what I considered a very clever remark： 〃Without an original there can be no imitation。〃 Mr。 Burwin… Fosselton said quite impertinently： 〃Don't discuss me in my presence； if you please； and； Mr。 Pooter； I should advise you to talk about what you understand；〃 to which that cad Padge replied： 〃That's right。〃 Dear Carrie saved the whole thing by suddenly saying： 〃I'll be Ellen Terry。〃 Dear Carrie's imitation wasn't a bit liked； but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the disagreeable discussion passed off。 When they left； I very pointedly said to Mr。 Burwin…Fosselton and Mr。 Padge that we should be engaged to…morrow evening。
November 25。 … Had a long letter from Mr。 Fosselton respecting last night's Irving discussion。 I was very angry； and I wrote and said I knew little or nothing about stage matters； was not in the least interested in them and positively declined to be drawn into a discussion on the subject； even at the risk of its leading to a breach of friendship。 I never wrote a more determined letter。
On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I met near the Archway Daisy Mutlar。 My heart gave a leap。 I bowed rather stiffly； but she affected not to have seen me。 Very much annoyed in the evening by the laundress sending home an odd sock。 Sarah said she sent two pairs； and the laundress declared only a pair and a half were sent。 I spoke to Carrie about it； but she rather testily replied： 〃I am tired of speaking to her； you had better go and speak to her yourself。 She is outside。〃 I did so； but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent。
Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough to listen to the conversation； and interrupting； said： 〃Don't waste the odd sock； old man； do an act of charity and give it to some poor mar with only one leg。〃 The laundress giggled like an idiot。 I was disgusted and walked upstairs for the purpose of pinning down my collar； as the button had come off the back of my shirt。
When I returned to the parlour； Gowing was retailing his idiotic joke about the odd sock； and Carrie was roaring with laughter。 I suppose I am losing my sense of humour。 I spoke my mind pretty freely about Padge。 Gowing said he had met him only once before that evening。 He had been introduced by a friend； and as he （Padge） had 〃stood〃 a good dinner； Gowing wished to show him some little return。 Upon my word； Gowing's coolness surpasses all belief。 Lupin came in before I could reply； and Gowing unfortunate
