the legacy of cain-第68章

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CHAPTER　LV。

HELENA'S　DIARY　RESUMED。


I　DID　think　of　it。　Philip　came　to　us；　and　lived　in　our　house。

Let　me　hasten　to　add　that　the　protest　of　Propriety　was　duly
entered；　on　the　day　before　my　promised　husband　arrived。　Standing
in　the　doorwaynothing　would　induce　her　to　take　a　chair；　or　even
to　enter　the　roomMiss　Jillgall　delivered　her　opinion　on
Philip's　approaching　visit。　Mrs。　Tenbruggen　reported　it　in　her
pocket…book；　as　if　she　was　representing　a　newspaper　at　a　public
meeting。　Here　it　is；　copied　from　her　notes：

〃Miss　Helena　Gracedieu；　my　first　impulse　under　the　present
disgusting　circumstances　was　to　leave　the　house；　and　earn　a　bare
crust　in　the　cheapest　garret　I　could　find　in　the　town。　But　my
grateful　heart　remembers　Mr。　Gracedieu。　My　poor　afflicted　cousin
was　good　to　me　when　I　was　helpless。　I　cannot　forsake　him　when
_he_　is　helpless。　At　whatever　sacrifice　of　my　own　self…respect；　I
remain　under　this　roof；　so　dear　to　me　for　the　Minister's　sake。　I
notice；　miss；　that　you　smile。　I　see　my　once　dear　Elizabeth；　the
friend　who　has　so　bitterly　disappointed　me〃　she　stopped；　and
put　her　handkerchief　to　her　eyes；　and　went　on　again〃the　friend
who　has　so　bitterly　disappointed　me；　taking　satirical　notes　of
what　I　say。　I　am　not　ashamed　of　what　I　say。　The　virtue　which　will
not　stretch　a　little；　where　the　motive　is　good；　is　feeble　virtue
indeed。　I　shall　stay　in　the　house；　and　witness　horrors；　and　rise
superior　to　them。　Good…morning；　Miss　Gracedieu。　Good…morning；
Elizabeth。〃　She　performed　a　magnificent　curtsey；　and　（as　Mrs。
Tenbruggen's　experience　of　the　stage　informed　me）　made　a　very
creditable　exit。


A　week　has　passed；　and　I　have　not　opened　my　Diary。

My　days　have　glided　away　in　one　delicious　flow　of　happiness。
Philip　has　been　delightfully　devoted　to　me。　His　fervent
courtship；　far　exceeding　any　similar　attentions　which　he　may　once
have　paid　to　Eunice；　has　shown　such　variety　and　such
steadfastness　of　worship；　that　I　despair　of　describing　it。　My
enjoyment　of　my　new　life　is　to　be　feltnot　to　be　coldly
considered；　and　reduced　to　an　imperfect　statement　in　words。

For　the　first　time　I　feel　capable；　if　the　circumstances
encouraged　me；　of　acts　of　exalted　virtue。　For　instance；　I　could
save　my　co　untry　if　my　country　was　worth　it。　I　could　die　a　martyr
to　religion　if　I　had　a　religion。　In　one　word；　I　am　exceedingly
well　satisfied　with　myself。　The　little　disappointments　of　life
pass　over　me　harmless。　I　do　not　even　regret　the　failure　of　good
Mrs。　Tenbruggen's　efforts　to　find　an　employment　for　Philip；
worthy　of　his　abilities　and　accomplishments。　The　member　of
Parliament　to　whom　she　had　applied　has　chosen　a　secretary
possessed　of　political　influence。　That　is　the　excuse　put　forward
in　his　letter　to　Mrs。　Tenbruggen。　Wretched　corrupt　creature！　If
he　was　worth　a　thought　I　should　pity　him。　He　has　lost　Philip's
services。


Three　days　more　have　slipped　by。　The　aspect　of　my　heaven　on　earth
is　beginning　to　alter。

Perhaps　the　author　of　that　wonderful　French　novel；　〃L'Ame
Damne'e；〃　is　right　when　he　tells　us　that　human　happiness　is
misery　in　masquerade。　It　would　be　wrong　to　say　that　I　am
miserable。　But　I　may　be　on　the　way　to　it；　I　am　anxious。

To…day；　when　he　did　not　know　that　I　was　observing　him；　I
discovered　a　preoccupied　look　in　Philip's　eyes。　He　laughed　when　I
asked　if　anything　had　happened　to　vex　him。　Was　it　a　natural
laugh？　He　put　his　arm　round　me　and　kissed　me。　Was　it　done
mechanically？　I　daresay　I　am　out　of　humor　myself。　I　think　I　had　a
little　headache。　Morbid；　probably。　I　won't　think　of　it　any　more。


It　has　occurred　to　me　this　morning　that　he　may　dislike　being　left
by　himself；　while　I　am　engaged　in　my　household　affairs。　If　this
is　the　case；　intensely　as　I　hate　her；　utterly　as　I　loathe　the
idea　of　putting　her　in　command　over　my　domestic　dominions；　I
shall　ask　Miss　Jillgall　to　take　my　place　as　housekeeper。

I　was　away　to…day　in　the　kitchen　regions　rather　longer　than
usual。　When　I　had　done　with　my　worries；　Philip　was　not　to　be
found。　Maria；　looking　out　of　one　of　the　bedroom　windows　instead
of　doing　her　work；　had　seen　Mr。　Dunboyne　leave　the　house。　It　was
possible　that　he　had　charged　Miss　Jillgall　with　a　message　for　me。
I　asked　if　she　was　in　her　room。　No；　she；　too；　had　gone　out。　It
was　a　fine　day；　and　Philip　had　no　doubt　taken　a　strollbut　he
might　have　waited　till　I　could　join　him。　There　were　some　orders
to　be　given　to　the　butcher　and　the　green…grocer。　I；　too；　left　the
house；　hoping　to　get　rid　of　some　little　discontent；　caused　by
thinking　of　what　had　happened。　Returning　by　the　way　of　High
StreetI　declare　I　can　hardly　believe　it　even　nowI　did
positively　see　Miss　Jillgall　coming　out　of　a　pawnbroker's　shop！

The　direction　in　which　she　turned　prevented　her　from　seeing　me。
She　was　quite　unaware　that　I　had　discovered　her；　and　I　have　said
nothing　about　it　since。　But　I　noticed　something　unusual　in　the
manner　in　which　her　watch…chain　was　hanging；　and　I　asked　her　what
o'clock　it　was。　She　said；　〃You　have　got　your　own　watch。〃　I　told
her　my　watch　had　stopped。　〃So　has　mine；〃　she　said。　There　is　no
doubt　about　it　now；　she　has　pawned　her　watch。　What　for？　She　lives
here　for　nothing；　and　she　has　not　had　a　new　dress　since　I　have
known　her。　Why　does　she　want　money？

Philip　had　not　returned　when　I　got　home。　Another　mysterious
journey　to　London？　No。　After　an　absence　of　more　than　two　hours；
he　came　back。

Naturally　enough；　I　asked　what　he　had　been　about。　He　had　been
taking　a　long　walk。　For　his　health's　sake？　No：　to　think。　To　think
of　what？　Well；　I　might　be　surprised　to　hear　it；　but　his　idle　life
was　beginning　to　weigh　on　his　spirits；　he　wanted　employment。　Had
he　thought　of　an　employment？　Not　yet。　Which　way　had　he　walked？
Anyway：　he　had　not　noticed　where　he　went。　These　replies　were　all
made　in　a　tone　that　offended　me。　Besides；　I　observed　there　was　no
dust　on　his　boots　（after　a　week　of　dry　weather）；　and　his　walk　of
two　hours　did　not　appear　to　have　heated　or　tired　him。　I　took　an
opportunity　of　consulting　Mrs。　Tenbruggen。

She　had　anticipated　that　I　should　appeal　to　her　opinion；　as　a
woman　of　the　world。

I　shall　not　set　down　in　detail　what　she　said。　Some　of　it
humiliated　me；　and　from　some　of　it　I　recoiled。　The　expression　of
her　opinion　came　to　this。　In　the　absence　of　experience；　a　certain
fervor　of　temperament　was　essential　to　success　in　the　art　of
fascinating　men。　Either　my　temperament　was　deficient；　or　my
intellect　overpowered　it。　It　was　natural　that　I　should　suppose
myself　to　be　as　susceptible　to　the　tender　passion　as　the　most
excitable　woman　living。　Delusion；　my　Helena；　amiable　delusion！
Had　I　ever　observed　or　had　any　friend　told　me　that　my　pretty
hands　were　cold　hands？　I　had　beautiful　eyes；　expressive　of
vivacity；　of　intelligence；　of　every　feminine　charm；　except　the
one　inviting　charm　that　finds　favor　in　the　eyes　of　a　man。　She
then　entered　into　particulars；　which　I　don't　deny　showed　a　true
interest　in　helping　me。　I　was　ungrateful；　sulky；
self…opinionated。　Dating　from　that　day's　talk　with　Mrs。
Tenbruggen；　my　new　friendship　began　to　show　signs　of　having
caught　a　chill。

But　I　did　my　best　to　follow　her　instructionsand　failed。

It　is　perhaps　true　that　my　temperament　is　overpowered　by　my
intellect。　Or　it　is　possibly　truer　still　that　the　fire　in　my
heart；　when　it　warms　to　love；　is　a　fire　that　burns　low。　My　belief
is　that　I　surprised　Philip　instead　of　charming　him。　He　responded
to　my　advances；　but　I　felt　that　it　was　not　done　in　earnest；　not
spontaneously。　Had　I　any　right　to　complain？　Was　I　in　earnest？　Was
I　spontaneous？　We　were　making　love　to　each　other　under　false
pretenses。　Oh；　what　a　fool　I　was　to　ask　for　Mrs。　Tenbruggen's
advice！

A　humiliating　doubt　has　come　to　me　suddenly。　Has　his　heart　been
inclining　to　Eunice　again？　After　such　a　letter　as　she　has　written
to　him？　Impossible！


Three　events　since　yesterday；　which　I　consider；　trifling　as　they
may　be；　intimations　of　something　wrong。

First；　Miss　Jillgall；　who　at　one　time　was　eager　to　take　my　place；
has　refused　to　relieve　me　of　my　housekeeping　duties。　Secondly；
Philip　has　been　absent　again；　on　another　long　walk。　Thirdly；　when
Philip　returned；　depressed　and　sulky；　I　caught　Miss　Jill