the legacy of cain-第37章
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the light rose higher； and； leaving me in darkness where I stood；
showed a collection of swords； daggers； and knives arranged on
the wall in imitation of the form of a star。
The whisper sounded again； close at my ear。 It echoed my own
thought； when I called to mind the ways of killing which history
had taught me。 It said： 〃Kill her with the knife。〃
No。 My heart failed me when I thought of the blood。 I hid the
dreadful weapons from my view。 I cried out： 〃Let me go！ let me
go！〃
Again； I was lost in darkness。 Again； I had no knowledge in me of
where I was。 Again； after an interval； the light showed me the
new place in which I stood。
I was alone in the burial…ground of our parish church。 The light
led me on； among the graves； to the lonely corner in which the
great yew tree stands； and； rising higher； revealed the solemn
foliage； brightened by the fatal red fruit which hides in itself
the seeds of death。
The whisper tempted me again。 It followed again the train of my
own thought。 It said： 〃Kill her by poison。〃
No。 Revenge by poison steals its way to its end。 The base
deceitfulness of Helena's crime against me seemed to call for a
day of reckoning that hid itself under no disguise。 I raised my
cry to be delivered from the sight of the deadly tree； The
changes which I have tried to describe followed once more the
confession of what I felt； the darkness was dispelled for the
third time。
I was standing in Helena's room； looking at her as she lay asleep
in her bed。
She was quite still now； but she must have been restless at some
earlier time。 The bedclothes were disordered； her head had sunk
so low that the pillow rose high and vacant above her。 There；
colored by a tender flush of sleep； was the face whose beauty put
my poor face to shame。 There； was the sister who had committed
the worst of murdersthe wretch who had killed in me all that
made life worth having。 While that thought was in my mind； I
heard the whisper again。 〃Kill her openly；〃 the tempter mother
said。 〃Kill her daringly。 Faint heart； do you still want courage？
Rouse your spirit； look！ see yourself in the act！〃
The temptation took a form which now tried me for the first time。
As if a mirror had reflected the scene； I saw myself standing by
the bedside； with the pillow that was to smother the sleeper in
my hands。 I heard the whispering voice telling me how to speak
the words that warned and condemned her： 〃Wake！ you who have
taken him from me！ Wake！ and meet your doom。〃
I saw her start up in bed。 The sudden movement disordered the
nightdress over her bosom and showed the miniature portrait of a
man； hung round her neck。
The man was Philip。 The likeness was looking at me。
So dear； so lovelythose eyes that had once been the light of my
heart； mourned for me and judged me now。 They saw the guilty
thought that polluted me； they brought me to my knees； imploring
him to help me back to my better self： 〃One last mercy； dear； to
comfort me under the loss of you。 Let the love that was once my
life； be my good angel still。 Save me； Philip； even though you
forsake mesave me from myself！〃
。 。 。 。 。 。 。
There was a sudden cry。
The agony of it pierced my braindrove away the ghastly
lightsilenced the tempting whispers。 I came to myself。 I
sawand not in a dream。
Helena _had_ started up in her bed。 That cry of terror； at the
sight of me in her room at night； _had_ burst from her lips。 The
miniature of Philip hung round her neck； a visible reality。
Though my head was dizzy； though my heart was sinking； I had not
lost my senses yet。 All that the night lamp could show me； I
still saw； and I heard the sound； faintly； when the door of the
bed…chamber was opened。 Alarmed by that piercing cry； my father
came hurrying into the room。
Not a word passed between us three。 The whispers that I had heard
were wicked； the thoughts that had been in my mind were vile。 Had
they left some poison in the air of the room； which killed the
words on our lips？
My father looked at Helena。 With a trembling hand she pointed to
me。 He put his arm round me and held me up。 I remember his
leading me awayand I remember nothing more。
My last words are written。 I lock up this journal of
miserynever； I hope and pray； to open it again。
…
Second Period （continued）。
EVENTS IN THE FAMILY； RELATED BY THE GOVERNOR。
…
CHAPTER XXXII。
THE MIDDLE…AGED LADY。
IN the year 1870 I found myself compelled to submit to the
demands of two hard task…masters。
Advancing age and failing health reminded the Governor of the
Prison of his duty to his successor； in one unanswerable
wordResign。
When they have employed us and interested us； for the greater
part of our lives； we bid farewell to our dutieseven to the
gloomy duties of a prisonwith a sense of regret。 My view of the
future presented a vacant prospect indeed； when I looked at my
idle life to come； and wondered what I should do with it。 Loose
on the worldat my age！I drifted into domestic refuge； under
the care of my two dear and good sons。 After a while （never mind
how long a while） I began to grow restless under the heavy burden
of idleness。 Having nothing else to complain of； I complained of
my health； and consulted a doctor。 That sagacious man hit on the
right way of getting rid of mehe recommended traveling。
This was unexpected advice。 After some hesitation； I accepted it
reluctantly。
The instincts of age recoil from making new acquaintances；
contemplating new places； and adopting new habits。 Besides； I
hate railway traveling。 However； I contrived to get as far as
Italy； and stopped to rest at Florence。 Here； I found pictures by
the old masters that I could really
enjoy； a public park that I could honestly admire； and an
excellent friend and colleague of former days； once chaplain to
the prison； now clergyman in charge of the English Church。 We met
in the gallery of the Pitti Palace； and he recognized me
immediately。 I was pleased to find that the lapse of years had
made so little difference in my personal appearance。
The traveler who advances as far as Florence； and does not go on
to Rome； must be regardless indeed of the opinions of his
friends。 Let me not attempt to conceal itI am that insensible
traveler。 Over and over again； I said to myself： 〃Rome must be
done〃； and over and over again I put off doing it。 To own the
truth； the fascinations of Florence； aided by the society of my
friend； laid so strong a hold on me that I believe I should have
ended my days in the delightful Italian city； but for the
dangerous illness of one of my sons。 This misfortune hurried me
back to England； in dread； every step of the way； of finding that
I had arrived too late。 The journey （thank God！） proved to have
been taken without need。 My son was no longer in danger； when I
reached London in the year 1875。
At that date I was near enough to the customary limit of human
life to feel the necessity of rest and quiet。 In other words； my
days of travel had come to their end。
Having established myself in my own country； I did not forget to
let old friends know where they might find me。 Among those to
whom I wrote was another colleague of past years； who still held
his medical appointment in the prison。 When I received the
doctor's reply； it inclosed a letter directed to me at my old
quarters in the Governor's rooms。 Who could possibly have sent a
letter to an address which I had left five years since？ My
correspondent proved to be no less a person than the
Congregational Ministerthe friend whom I had estranged from me
by the tone in which I had written to him； on the long…past
occasion of his wife's death。
It was a distressing letter to read。 I beg permission to give
only the substance of it in this place。
Entreating me； with touching expressions of humility and sorrow；
to forgive his long silence； the writer appealed to my friendly
remembrance of him。 He was in sore need of counsel； under serious
difficulties； and I was the only person to whom he could apply
for help。 In the disordered state of his health at that time； he
ventured to hope that I would visit him at his present place of
abode； and would
