the legacy of cain-第32章
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there be any fear of discovery； when every possible care had been
taken to prevent it？ The danger from unexpected events was far
more disquieting。 A man might find himself bound in honor to
disclose what it had been the chief anxiety of his life to
conceal。 For example； could he let an innocent person be the
victim of deliberate suppression of the truthno matter how
justifiable that suppression might appear to be？ On the other
hand； dreadful consequences might follow an honorable confession。
There might be a cruel sacrifice of tender affection； there might
be a shocking betrayal of innocent hope and trust。〃
I remember those last words； just as he dictated them； because he
suddenly stopped there； looking； poor dear； distressed and
confused。 He put his hand to his head； and went back to the sofa。
〃I'm tired；〃 he said。 〃Wait for me while I rest。〃
In a few minutes he fell asleep。 It was a deep repose that came
to him now； and； though I don't think it lasted much longer than
half an hour； it produced a wonderful change in him for the
better when he woke。 He spoke quietly and kindly； and when he
returned to me at the table and looked at the page on which I had
been writing； he smiled。
〃Oh； my dear； what bad writing！ I declare I can't read what I
myself told you to write。 No！ no！ don't be downhearted about it。
You are not used to writing from dictation； and I daresay I have
been too quick for you。〃 He kissed me and encouraged me。 〃You
know how fond I am of my little girl；〃 he said； 〃I am afraid I
like my Eunice just the least in the world more than I like my
Helena。 Ah； you are beginning to look a little happier now！〃
He had filled me with such confidence and such pleasure that I
could not help thinking of my sweetheart。 Oh dear； when shall I
learn to be distrustful of my own feelings？ The temptation to say
a good word for Philip quite mastered any little discretion that
I possessed。
I said to papa： 〃If you knew how to make me happier than I have
ever been in all my life before； would you do it？〃
〃Of course I would。〃
〃Then send for Philip； dear； and be a little kinder to him； this
time。〃
His pale face turned red with anger； he pushed me away from him。
〃That man again！〃 he burst out。 〃Am I never to hear the last of
him？ Go away； Eunice。 You are of no use here。〃 He took up my
unfortunate page of writing and ridiculed it with a bitter laugh。
〃What is this fit for？〃 He crumpled it up in his hand and tossed
it into the fire。
I ran out of the room in such a state of mortification that I
hardly knew what I was about。 If some hard…hearted person had
come to me with a cup of poison； and had said： 〃Eunice； you are
not fit to live any longer； take this；〃 I do believe I should
have taken it。 If I thought of anything； I thought of going back
to Selina。 My ill luck still pursued me； she had disappeared。 I
looked about in a helpless way； completely at a loss what to do
nextso stupefied； I may even say； that it was some time before
I noticed a little three…cornered note on the table by which I
was standing。 The note was addressed to me：
〃EVER…DEAREST EUNEECEI have tried to make myself useful to you；
and have failed。 But how can I see the sad sight of your
wretchedness； and not feel the impulse to try again？ I have gone
to the hotel to find Philip； and to bring him back to you a
penitent and faithful man。 Wait for me； and hope for great
things。 A。 hundred thousand kisses to my sweet Euneece。
〃S。 J。〃
Wait for her； after reading that note！ How could she expect it？ I
had only to follow her； and to find Philip。 In another minute； I
was on my way to the hotel。
CHAPTER XXVIII。
HELENA'S DIARY。
LOOKING at the last entry in my Journal； I see myself
anticipating that the event of to…day will decide Philip's future
and mine。 This has proved prophetic。 All further concealment is
now at an end。
Forced to it by fate； or helped to it by chance； Eunice has made
the discovery of her lover's infidelity。 〃In all human
probability〃 （as my father says in his sermons）； we two sisters
are enemies for life。
I am not suspected； as Eunice is； of making appointments with a
sweetheart。 So I am free to go out alone； and to go where I
please。 Philip and I were punctual to our appointment this
afternoon。
Our place of meeting was in a secluded corner of the town park。
We found a rustic seat in our retirement； set up （one would
suppose） as a concession to the taste of visitors who are fond of
solitude。 The view in front of us was bounded by the park wall
and railings； and our seat was prettily approached on one side by
a plantation of young trees。 No entrance gate was near； no
carriage road crossed the grass。 A more safe and more solitary
nook for conversation； between two persons desiring to be alone；
it would be hard to find in most public parks。 Lovers are said to
know it well； and to be especially fon d of it toward evening。 We
were there in broad daylight； and we had the seat to ourselves。
My memory of what passed between us is； in some degree； disturbed
by the formidable interruption which brought our talk to an end。
But among other things； I remember that I showed him no mercy at
the outset。 At one time I was indignant； at another I was
scornful。 I declared； in regard to my object in meeting him； that
I had changed my mind； And had decided to shorten a disagreeable
interview by waiving my right to an explanation； and bidding him
farewell。 Eunice； as I pointed out； had the first claim to him；
Eunice was much more likely to suit him； as a companion for life；
than I was。 〃In short；〃 I said； in conclusion； 〃my inclination
for once takes sides with my duty； and leaves my sister in
undisturbed possession of young Mr。 Dunboyne。〃 With this
satirical explanation； I rose to say good…by。
I had merely intended to irritate him。 He showed a superiority to
anger for which I was not prepared。
〃Be so kind as to sit down again；〃 he said quietly。
He took my letter from his pocket； and pointed to that part of it
which alluded to his conduct； when we had met in my father 's
study。
〃You have offered me the opportunity of saying a word in my own
defense；〃 he went on。 〃I prize that privilege far too highly to
consent to your withdrawing it； merely because you have changed
your mind。 Let me at least tell you what my errand was； when I
called on your father。 Loving you； and you only； I had forced
myself to make a last effort to be true to your sister。 Remember
that； Helena； and then sayis it wonderful if I was beside
myself； when I found You in the study？〃
〃When you tell me you were beside yourself；〃 I said； 〃do you
mean； ashamed of yourself？〃
That touched him。 〃I mean nothing of the kind；〃 he burst out。
〃After the hell on earth in which I have been living between you
two sisters； a man hasn't virtue enough left in him to be
ashamed。 He's half madthat's what he is。 Look at my position！ I
had made up my mind never to see you again； I had made up my mind
（if I married Eunice） to rid myself of my own miserable life when
I could endure it no longer。 In that state of feeling； when my
sense of duty depended on my speaking with Mr。 Gracedieu alone；
whose was the first face I saw when I entered the room？ If I had
dared to look at you； or to speak to you； what do you think would
have become of my resolution to sacrifice myself？〃
〃What has become of it now？〃 I asked。
〃Tell me first if I am forgiven；〃 he said 〃and you shall know。〃
〃Do you deserve to be forgiven？〃
It has been discovered by wiser heads than mine that weak people
are always in extremes。 So far； I had seen Philip in the vain and
violent extreme。 He now shifted suddenly to the sad and
submissive extreme。 When I asked him if he deserved to be
forgiven； he made the humblest of all replieshe sighed and said
nothing。
〃If I did my duty to my sister；〃 I reminded him； 〃I should refuse
to forgive you； and send you back to Eunice。〃
〃Your father's language and your father's conduct；〃 he answered；
〃have released me from that entanglement。 I can never go back to
Eunice。 If you refuse to forgive me； neither you nor she will see
anything more of Philip D
