the legacy of cain-第29章
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of England； I doubt if there is a much more wicked young woman to
be found than myself。 Is it nothing to feel that； and to endure
it as I do？
Upon my word； there is no excuse for me！
Is this sheer impudence？ No； it is the bent of my nature。 I have
a tendency to self…examination； accompanied by one meritI don't
spare myself。
There are excuses for Eunice。 She lives in a fools' paradise； and
she sees in her lover a radiant creature； shining in the halo
thrown over him by her own self…delusion； Nothing of this sort is
to be said for me。 I see Philip as he is。 My penetration looks
into the lowest depths of his characterwhen I am not in his
company。 There seems to be a foundation of good； somewhere in his
nature。 He despises and hates himself （he has confessed it to
me）； when Eunice is with himstill believing in her false
sweetheart。 But how long do these better influences last？ I have
only to show myself； in my sister's absence； and Philip is mine
body and soul。 His vanity and his weakness take possession of him
the moment he sees my face。 He is one of those meneven in my
little experience I have met with themwho are born to be led by
women。 If Eunice had possessed my strength of character； he would
have been true to her for life。
Ought I not； in justice to myself； to have lifted my heart high
above the reach of such a creature as this？ Certainly I ought！ I
know it； I feel it。 And yet； there is some fascination in having
him which I am absolutely unable to resist。
What； I ask myself； has fed the new flame which is burning in me？
Did it begin with gratified pride？ I might well feel proud when I
found myself admired by a man of his beauty； set off by such
manners and such accomplishments as his。 Or； has the growth of
this masterful feeling been encouraged by the envy and jealousy
stirred in me； when I found Eunice （my inferior in every respect）
distinguished by the devotion of a handsome lover； and having a
brilliant marriage in viewwhile I was left neglected； with no
prospect of changing my title from Miss to Mrs。？ Vain inquiries！
My wicked heart seems to have secrets of its own； and to keep
them a mystery to me。
What has become of my excellent education？ I don't care to
inquire； I have got beyond the reach of good books and religious
examples。 Among my other blamable actions there may now be
reckoned disobedience to my father。 I have been reading novels in
secret。
At first I tried some of the famous English works； published at a
price within the reach of small purses。 Very well written； no
doubtbut with one unpardonable drawback； so far as I am
concerned。 Our celebrated native authors address themselves to
good people； or to penitent people who want to be made good； not
to wicked readers like me。
Arriving at this conclusion； I tried another experiment。 In a
small bookseller's shop I discovered some cheap translations of
French novels。 Here； I found what I wantedsympathy with sin。
Here； there was opened to me a new world inhabited entirely by
unrepentant people； the magnificent women diabolically beautiful；
the satanic men dead to every sense of virtue； and aliveperhaps
rather dirtily aliveto the splendid fascinations of crime。 I
know now that Love is above everything but itself。 Love is the
one law that we are bound to obey。 How deep！ how consoling！ how
admirably true！ The novelists of England have reason indeed to
hide their heads before the novelists of France。 All that I have
felt； and have written here； is inspired by these wonderful
authors。
I have relieved my mind； and may now return to the business of my
diarythe record of domestic events。
An overwhelming disappointment has fallen on Eunice。 Our
dinner…party has been put off。
The state of father's health is answerable for this change in our
arrangements That wretched scene at the school； complicated by my
sister's undutiful behavior at the time； so seriously excited him
that he passed a sleepless night； and kept his bedroom throughout
the day。 Eunice's total want of discretion added； no doubt； to
his sufferings： she rudely intruded on him to express her regret
and to ask his pardon。 Having carried her point； she was at
leisure to come to me； and to ask （how amazingly simple of her！）
what she and Philip were to do next。
〃We had arranged it all so nicely；〃 the poor wretch began。
〃Philip was to have been so clever and agreeable
at dinner； and was to have chosen his time so very discreetly；
that papa would have been ready to listen to anything he said。
Oh； we should have succeeded； I haven't a doubt of it！ Our only
hope； Helena； is in you。 What are we to do now？〃
〃Wait；〃 I answered。
〃Wait？〃 she repeated； hotly。 〃Is my heart to be broken？ and； what
is more cruel still； is Philip to be disappointed？ I expected
something more sensible； my dear； from you。 What possible reason
can there be for waiting？〃
The reasonif I could only have mentioned itwas beyond
dispute。 I wanted time to quiet Philip's uneasy conscience； and
to harden his weak mind against outbursts of violence； on
Eunice's part； which would certainly exhibit themselves when she
found that she had lost her lover； and lost him to me。 In the
meanwhile； I had to produce my reason for advising her to wait。
It was easily done。 I reminded her of the irritable condition of
our father's nerves； and gave it as my opinion that he would
certainly say No； if she was unwise enough to excite him on the
subject of Philip； in his present frame of mind。
These unanswerable considerations seemed to produce the right
effect on her。 〃I suppose you know best；〃 was all she said。 And
then she left me。
I let her go without feeling any distrust of this act of
submission on her part； it was such a common experience； in my
life； to find my sister guiding herself by my advice。 But
experience is not always to be trusted。 Events soon showed that I
had failed to estimate Eunice's resources of obstinacy and
cunning at their true value。
Half an hour later I heard the street door closed； and looked out
of the window。 Miss Jillgall was leaving the house； no one was
with her。 My dislike of this person led me astray once more。 I
ought to have suspected her of being bent on some mischievous
errand； and to have devised some means of putting my suspicions
to the test。 I did nothing of the kind。 In the moment when I
turned my head away from the window； Miss Jillgall was a person
forgottenand I was a person who had made a serious mistake。
CHAPTER XXVI。
HELENA'S DIARY。
THE event of to…day began with the delivery of a message
summoning me to my father's study。 He had decidedtoo hastily；
as I fearedthat he was sufficiently recovered to resume his
usual employments。 I was writing to his dictation； when we were
interrupted。 Maria announced a visit from Mr。 Dunboyne。
Hitherto Philip had been content to send one of the servants of
the hotel to make inquiry after Mr。 Gracedieu's health。 Why had
he now called personally？ Noticing that father seemed to be
annoyed； I tried to make an opportunity of receiving Philip
myself。 〃Let me see him；〃 I suggested； 〃I can easily say you are
engaged。〃
Very unwillingly； as it was easy to see； my father declined to
allow this。 〃Mr。 Dunboyne's visit pays me a compliment；〃 he said；
〃and I must receive him。〃 I made a show of leaving the room； and
was called back to my chair。 〃This is not a private interview；
Helena； stay where you are。〃
Philip came inhandsomer than ever； beautifully dressedand
paid his respects to my father with his customary grace。 He was
too well…bred to allow any visible signs of embarrassment to
escape him。 But when he shook hands with me； I felt a little
trembling in his fingers； through the delicate gloves which
fitted him like a second skin。 Was it the true object of his
visit to try the experiment designed by Eunice and himself； and
deferred by the postponement of our dinner…party？ Impossible
surely that my sister could have practiced on his weakness； and
persuaded him to return to his first love！ I waited； in
breathless interest； for his next words。 They were not worth
listening to。 Oh； the poor commonplace creature！
〃I am glad；
