the legacy of cain-第14章

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Staveley's。　Helena　shall　enjoy　it　here；　at　second　hand。　I　am
quite　changed　in　two　things。　First：　I　think　more　of　myself　than　I
ever　did　before。　Second：　writing　is　no　longer　a　difficulty　to　me。
I　could　fill　a　hundred　journals；　without　once　stopping　to　think。

Mrs。　Staveley　began　nicely；　〃I　suppose；　Eunice；　you　have　often
been　told　that　you　have　a　good　figure；　and　that　you　walk　well？〃

I　said：　〃Helena　thinks　my　figure　is　better　than　my　face。　But　do　I
really　walk　well？　Nobody　ever　told　me　that。〃

She　answered：　〃Philip　Dunboyne　thinks　so。　He　said　to　me；　'I
resist　the　temptation　because　I　might　be　wanting　in　respect　if　I
gave　way　to　it。　But　I　should　like　to　follow　her　when　she　goes
outmerely　for　the　pleasure　of　seeing　her　walk。'　〃

I　stood　stockstill。　I　said　nothing。　When　you　are　as　proud　as　a
peacock　（which　never　happened　to　me　before）；　I　find　you　can't
move　and　can't　talk。　You　can　only　enjoy　yourself。

Kind　Mrs。　Staveley　had　more　things　to　tell　me。　She　said：　〃I　am
interested　in　Philip。　I　lived　near　Fairmount　in　the　time　before　I
was　married；　and　in　those　days　he　was　a　child。　I　want　him　to
marry　a　charming　girl；　and　be　happy。〃

What　made　me　think　directly　of　Miss　Staveley？　What　made　me　mad　to
know　if　she　was　the　charming　girl？　I　was　bold　enough　to　ask　the
question。　Mrs。　Staveley　turned　to　me　with　that　mischievous　look
which　I　have　noticed　already。　I　felt　as　if　I　had　been　running　at
the　top　of　my　speed；　and　had　not　got　my　breath　again；　yet。

But　this　good　motherly　friend　set　me　at　my　ease。　She　explained
herself：　〃Philip　is　not　much　liked；　poor　fellow；　in　our　house。　My
husband　considers　him　to　be　weak　and　vain　and　fickle。　And　my
daughter　agrees　with　her　father。　There　are　times　when　she　is
barely　civil　to　Philip。　He　is　too　good…natured　to　complain；　but
_I_　see　it。　Tell　me；　my　dear；　do　you　like　Philip？〃

〃Of　course　I　do！〃　Out　it　came　in　those　words；　before　I　could　stop
it。　Was　there　something　unbecoming　to　a　young　lady　in
　saying　what　I　had　just　said？　Mrs。　Staveley　seemed　to　be　more
amused　than　angry　with　me。　She　took　my　arm　kindly；　and　led　me
along　with　her。　〃My　dear；　you　are　as　clear　as　crystal；　and　as
true　as　steel。　You　are　a　favorite　of　mine　already。〃

What　a　delightful　woman！　as　I　said　just　now。　I　asked　if　she
really　liked　me　as　well　as　she　liked　my　sister。

She　said：　〃Better。〃

I　didn't　expect　that；　and　didn't　want　it。　Helena　is　my　superior。
She　is　prettier　than　I　am；　cleverer　than　I　am；　better　worth
liking　than　I　am。　Mrs。　Staveley　shifted　the　talk　back　to　Philip。
I　ought　to　have　said　Mr。　Philip。　No；　I　won't；　I　shall　call　him
Philip。　If　I　had　a　heart　of　stone；　I　should　feel　interested　in
him；　after　what　Mrs。　Staveley　has　told　me。

Such　a　sad　story；　in　some　respects。　Mother　dead；　no　brothers　or
sisters。　Only　the　father　left；　he　lives　a　dismal　life　on　a　lonely
stormy　coast。　Not　a　severe　old　gentleman；　for　all　that。　His
reasons　for　taking　to　retirement　are　reasons　（so　Mrs。　Staveley
says）　which　nobody　knows。　He　buries　himself　among　his　books；　in
an　immense　library；　and　he　appears　to　like　it。　His　son　has　not
been　brought　up。　like　other　young　men；　at　school　and　college。　He
is　a　great　scholar；　educated　at　home　by　his　father。　To　hear　this
account　of　his　learning　depressed　me。　It　seemed　to　put　such　a
distance　between　us。　I　asked　Mrs。　Staveley　if　he　thought　me
ignorant。　As　long　as　I　live　I　shall　remember　the　reply：　〃He
thinks　you　charming。〃

Any　other　girl　would　have　been　satisfied　with　this。　I　am　the
miserable　creature　who　is　always　making　mistakes。　My　stupid
curiosity　spoiled　the　charm　of　Mrs。　Staveley's　conversation。　And
yet　it　seemed　to　be　a　harmless　question；　I　only　said　I　should
like　to　know　what　profession　Philip　belonged　to。

Mrs。　Staveley　answered：　〃No　profession。〃

I　foolishly　put　a　wrong　meaning　on　this。　I　said：　〃Is　he　idle？〃

Mrs。　Staveley　laughed。　〃My　dear；　he　is　an　only　sonand　his
father　is　a　rich　man。〃

That　stopped　meat　last。

We　have　enough　to　live　on　in　comfort　at　homeno　more。　Papa　has
told　us　himself　that　he　is　not　（and　can　never　hope　to　be）　a　rich
man。　This　is　not　the　worst　of　it。　Last　year；　he　refused　to　marry
a　young　couple；　both　belonging　to　our　congregation。　This　was　very
unlike　his　usual　kind　self。　Helena　and　I　asked　him　for　his
reasons。　They　were　reasons　that　did　not　take　long　to　give。　The
young　gentleman's　father　was　a　rich　man。　He　had　forbidden　his　son
to　marry　a　sweet　girlbecause　she　had　no　fortune。

I　have　no　fortune。　And　Philip's　father　is　a　rich　man。

The　best　thing　I　can　do　is　to　wipe　my　pen；　and　shut　up　my
Journal；　and　go　home　by　the　next　train。

。　。　。　。　。　。　。

I　have　a　great　mind　to　burn　my　Journal。　It　tells　me　that　I　had
better　not　think　of　Philip　any　more。

On　second　thoughts；　I　won't　destroy　my　Journal；　I　will　only　put
it　away。　If　I　live　to　be　an　old　woman；　it　may　amuse　me　to　open　my
book　again；　and　see　how　foolish　the　poor　wretch　was　when　she　was
young。

What　is　this　aching　pain　in　my　heart？

I　don't　remember　it　at　any　other　time　in　my　life。　Is　it　trouble？
How　can　I　tell？I　have　had　so　little　trouble。　It　must　be　many
years　since　I　was　wretched　enough　to　cry。　I　don't　even　understand
why　I　am　crying　now。　My　last　sorrow；　so　far　as　I　can　remember；
was　the　toothache。　Other　girls'　mothers　comfort　them　when　they
are　wretched。　If　my　mother　had　livedit's　useless　to　think　about
that。　We　lost　her；　while　I　and　my　sister　were　too　young　to
understand　our　misfortune。

I　wish　I　had　never　seen　Philip。

This　seems　an　ungrateful　wish。　Seeing　him　at　the　picture…show　was
a　new　enjoyment。　Sitting　next　to　him　at　dinner　was　a　happiness
that　I　don't　recollect　feeling；　even　when　Papa　has　been　most
sweet　and　kind　to　me。　I　ought　to　be　ashamed　of　myself　to　confess
this。　Shall　I　write　to　my　sister？　But　how　should　she　know　what　is
the　matter　with　me；　when　I　don't　know　it　myself？　Besides；　Helena
is　angry；　she　wrote　unkindly　to　me　when　she　answered　my　last
letter。

There　is　a　dreadful　loneliness　in　this　great　house　at　night。　I
had　better　say　my　prayers；　and　try　to　sleep。　If　it　doesn't　make
me　feel　happier；　it　will　prevent　me　spoiling　my　Journal　by
dropping　tears　on　it。

。　。　。　。　。　。　。

What　an　evening　of　evenings　this　has　been！　Last　night　it　was
crying　that　kept　me　awake。　To…night　I　can't　sleep　for　joy。

Philip　called　on　us　again　to…day。　He　brought　with　him　tickets　for
the　performance　of　an　Oratorio。　Sacred　music　is　not　forbidden
music　among　our　people。　Mrs。　Staveley　and　Miss　Staveley　went　to
the　concert　with　us。　Philip　and　I　sat　next　to　each　other。

My　sister　is　a　musicianI　am　nothing。　That　sounds　bitter；　but　I
don't　mean　it　so。　All　I　mean　is；　that　I　like　simple　little　songs；
which　I　can　sing　to　myself　by　remembering　the　tune。　There；　my
musical　enjoyment　ends。　When　voices　and　instruments　burst　out
together　by　hundreds；　I　feel　bewildered。　I　also　get　attacked　by
fidgets。　This　last　misfortune　is　sure　to　overtake　me　when
choruses　are　being　performed。　The　unfortunate　people　employed　are
made　to　keep　singing　the　same　words；　over　and　over　and　over
again；　till　I　find　it　a　perfect　misery　to　listen　to　them。　The
choruses　were　unendurable　in　the　performance　to…night。　This　is
one　of　them：　〃Here　we　are　all　alone　in　the　wildernessalone　in
the　wildernessin　the　wilderness　alone；　alone；　alonehere　we
are　in　the　wildernessalone　in　the　wildernessall　all　alone　in
the　wilderness；〃　and　soon；　till　I　felt　inclined　to　call　for　the
learned　person　who　writes　Oratorios；　and　beg　him　to　give　the　poor
music　a　more　generous　allowance　of　words。

Whenever　I　looked　at　Philip；　I　found　him　looking　at　me。　Perhaps
he　saw　from　the　first　that　the　music　was　wearying　music　to　my
ignorant　ears。　With　his　usual　delicacy　he　said　nothing　for　some
time。　But　when　he　caught　me　yawning　（though　I　did　my　best　to　hide
it；　for　it　looked　like　being　ungrateful　for　the　tickets）；　then　he
could　restrain　himself　no　longer。　He　whispered　in　my　ear：

〃You　are　getting　tired　of　this。　And　so　am　I。〃

〃I　am　trying　to　like　it；〃　I　whispered　back。

〃Don't　try；〃　he　answered。　〃Let's　talk。〃

He　meant；　of　course；　talk　in　whispers。　We　were　a　good　deal
annoyedespecially　when　the　characters　were　all　alone　in　the
wildernessby　bursts　of　singing　and